The Student Room Group

Bereavement Help and Support

Losing someone close to you at any age is difficult and can be life changing, but if you're still young and going through GCSEs, A Levels, or University, this may impact your life further. It's not a nice subject to talk or even think about, but facing up to it and finding support could be crucial. Whether you've lost someone close to you personally, or are friends with someone who has, being able to find the right help and support can make things that bit easier. If you need urgent help, you may want to contact the Samaritans on: 0845 790 9090.





There are so many emotions which can follow bereavement, and each person is different in how they feel and cope. Some of the emotions are likely to be:

Shock - such a significant event can be difficult to process.
Denial - not accepting it's happened.
Sadness - missing the person special to them.
Anger - wondering why me/them.
Relief - if the loved one had been very ill.
Exhaustion - emotionally and physically, which can lead to a reduced immune system.
Numbness - often the body's coping mechanism.
Guilt - if they hadn't said goodbye or had arguments prior to the death.
Anxiety - worrying another loved one or themselves will be ill or pass away.

All of these emotions are normal and common to a certain extent.

The 5 Stages of Grief:

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What to do if you lose someone close to you?

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What if I don't get over it?

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Strategies that can help you grieve:

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What do I do if this happens at an important time? e.g exams

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What about Counselling?

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What do I say to someone who has lost a loved one?

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Need more information?

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Do you have any other points or ideas to add? If so, post below :smile:

If anyone has been affected by this and wishes to talk more on a one-to-one basis, I'll happily chat via PM :h:

:hugs:

Scroll to see replies

I'm currently going through grief at the moment, and one thing I have to add is that it comes and goes in waves, and the waves can be all different sizes, right up to a huge tsunami... And although it's normal to feel guilty when those waves are smaller, the rational part of my brain knows that you should look after yourself and distract yourself (if that's what helps)...

One thing that I am finding difficult is how to deal with talking to people who were closer to the person, when you are still grieving yourself - 'sorry for your loss' and the other usual things people say sound weird when it's your loss as well...
Original post by Anonymous
I'm currently going through grief at the moment, and one thing I have to add is that it comes and goes in waves, and the waves can be all different sizes, right up to a huge tsunami... And although it's normal to feel guilty when those waves are smaller, the rational part of my brain knows that you should look after yourself and distract yourself (if that's what helps)...

One thing that I am finding difficult is how to deal with talking to people who were closer to the person, when you are still grieving yourself - 'sorry for your loss' and the other usual things people say sound weird when it's your loss as well...


It definitely does feel guilty to be happy sometimes. Having more good days than bad days feels like it's a betrayal - but really, it's not, it's an honour. They would be proud of you for those smaller waves and good days.

One of my friends went through a scarily similar experience to me, same cause of death and everything - I found it so difficult to know what to say. Maybe it was because I knew whatever I said wouldn't take the hurt away, but I knew being there for her was the most important thing :smile:
I work at an old peoples home part time -age 17. I have been in situations which some would argue I am way too young to be exposed to such as seeing dead bodies, and spending some of a residents last moments with them. I told my mum this and she's really upset and feels I've matured too quickly and shouldn't have to be dealing with these sort of experiences at such a young age. What are other people's opinions on this ? I would say I am physcologically ok and seeing those that I have supported at the end of their life laid to rest hasn't really had any negative or long term effect. ??
Original post by Anonymous
I work at an old peoples home part time -age 17. I have been in situations which some would argue I am way too young to be exposed to such as seeing dead bodies, and spending some of a residents last moments with them. I told my mum this and she's really upset and feels I've matured too quickly and shouldn't have to be dealing with these sort of experiences at such a young age. What are other people's opinions on this ? I would say I am physcologically ok and seeing those that I have supported at the end of their life laid to rest hasn't really had any negative or long term effect. ??


That must be really difficult :console: It's a tricky one, because if you want to pursue a career in healthcare, nursing for example, then this is the sort of thing that people might have to deal with on a daily basis. One of my flatmates last year saw a child pass away on her shift as a student nurse (at the age of 18). I'm not sure it's something that anyone can ever get used to, but they can also know that them being there for them at the end and helping loved ones makes such a positive impact :smile:
I lost my grandad in March. He was suddenly (over a few months), sick and died in front of me. I feel anger, exhaustion, and anxiety. There's no real logic to the process I'm going through. Daily it changes. I want to talk about everything that happened and make sense of it all, but 7 months on and I feel that people don't want to hear how I'm not coping any more.

It's tough.
Original post by EloiseStar
I lost my grandad in March. He was suddenly (over a few months), sick and died in front of me. I feel anger, exhaustion, and anxiety. There's no real logic to the process I'm going through. Daily it changes. I want to talk about everything that happened and make sense of it all, but 7 months on and I feel that people don't want to hear how I'm not coping any more.

It's tough.


I'm really sorry to hear that :redface: Who would you want to/feel most comfortable talking to? Chances are they probably want to help you and talk it through but are too worried about saying something wrong and upsetting you. If you don't want to talk to someone you know, then there is nothing wrong at all with using a counselling service, even just for one session or if that is too much, talking to me or other users on TSR :h: How are your family doing? Do they talk about your grandad much? I hope things improve with time :hugs:
Original post by BurstingBubbles
I'm really sorry to hear that :redface: Who would you want to/feel most comfortable talking to? Chances are they probably want to help you and talk it through but are too worried about saying something wrong and upsetting you. If you don't want to talk to someone you know, then there is nothing wrong at all with using a counselling service, even just for one session or if that is too much, talking to me or other users on TSR :h: How are your family doing? Do they talk about your grandad much? I hope things improve with time :hugs:


I've already been to counselling throughout the summer. I think I want to talk to my friends but they've heard it all enough :frown:
Original post by EloiseStar
I've already been to counselling throughout the summer. I think I want to talk to my friends but they've heard it all enough :frown:


How did you find counselling? I'm sure they won't mind at all - think of the reverse situation, if you really cared about someone, would you mind supporting them? 7 months isn't long at all, and no one expects you to suddenly be able to come to terms with it, never mind 'get over' it. Maybe think about who you feel most comfortable you feel talking to out of your friends and see if they would be okay with having a chat when you feel that you need to :smile:
Original post by BurstingBubbles
How did you find counselling? I'm sure they won't mind at all - think of the reverse situation, if you really cared about someone, would you mind supporting them? 7 months isn't long at all, and no one expects you to suddenly be able to come to terms with it, never mind 'get over' it. Maybe think about who you feel most comfortable you feel talking to out of your friends and see if they would be okay with having a chat when you feel that you need to :smile:


Counselling was good. We focused on the grieving for a little while and moved onto other issues. Grief seems to strike randomly.
i have a sick feeling in my stomach that my brother's gonna off himself. Some days he's fine, others he runs away and calls us (he's abroad) screaming that he's gonna end it. I'm trying to focus on my studies... but I just can't

And this isn't extentuating circumstances so if i fail i'm out

All i can do is hope...
Original post by EloiseStar
Counselling was good. We focused on the grieving for a little while and moved onto other issues. Grief seems to strike randomly.


I'm glad it was good, and don't think just because you have been, that you can't go back - I went back again and it was really helpful. It definitely can strike randomly, and I don't think it's always a bad thing, necessarily. Even after nearly 4 years, a Father's Day advert can bring a lot of grief back - but as well as grief, it brings back memories too! Have you noticed anything that makes grieving easier/harder for you? Something to think about regarding strategies to help you manage grief :smile:
I feel completely odd, my grandma died about 2 months ago (im 17) and like i was upset but after a couple days i just moved on
I did the same thing with my grandad a few years ago but i was completely fine the very same day
Is that normal...i feel like all of my mates get properly upset for weeks/months on end and i can tell that theyre confused when ive completely recovered straight away
Original post by Anonymous
i have a sick feeling in my stomach that my brother's gonna off himself. Some days he's fine, others he runs away and calls us (he's abroad) screaming that he's gonna end it. I'm trying to focus on my studies... but I just can't

And this isn't extentuating circumstances so if i fail i'm out

All i can do is hope...


That sounds like a lot for you to be dealing with right now. Have you spoken much to him? Has he been seeking help for this? Do you think he would consider or find Samaritans or Nightline helpful? Their details can be found here: http://www.samaritans.org/ and here: http://nightline.ac.uk/nightlines. They both offer a range of different listening services. You mention that your brother is abroad, so he could email them and they will usually respond within a few hours, or Nightline even offer a 1:1 instant messaging listening service :smile:

You've said you if you fail you're out - what level of study are you at currently? There's often really helpful people you can talk to at school/University, so I can't imagine there is no support at all available for you - it's definitely something to look into :h:
Original post by Anonymous
I feel completely odd, my grandma died about 2 months ago (im 17) and like i was upset but after a couple days i just moved on
I did the same thing with my grandad a few years ago but i was completely fine the very same day
Is that normal...i feel like all of my mates get properly upset for weeks/months on end and i can tell that theyre confused when ive completely recovered straight away


Firstly, I'm sorry to hear about your grandma and grandad. Everyone is completely individual. There are so many factors that can affect how we grieve - this may be that you felt more prepared for their passings, you didn't feel quite as close to them as some people do, or in some cases, it may be bottling up. We all cope in different ways, and we can't say what is 'normal', because no one will ever fully understand your experience. I would say that just know there is support for you if you do start to feel less able to cope, but that it's fine to feel how you do, and there is no set way to grieve.
Original post by BurstingBubbles
That sounds like a lot for you to be dealing with right now. Have you spoken much to him? Has he been seeking help for this? Do you think he would consider or find Samaritans or Nightline helpful? Their details can be found here: http://www.samaritans.org/ and here: http://nightline.ac.uk/nightlines. They both offer a range of different listening services. You mention that your brother is abroad, so he could email them and they will usually respond within a few hours, or Nightline even offer a 1:1 instant messaging listening service :smile:

You've said you if you fail you're out - what level of study are you at currently? There's often really helpful people you can talk to at school/University, so I can't imagine there is no support at all available for you - it's definitely something to look into :h:


Yeah I've spoken to him, he'd calm down for like a few hours and then he just gets worse than before. He hasn't been seeking help because he thinks there's nothing wrong with him. He's only 15 btw. I'll try and tell him about them but he'll probably think I'm patronising him and it will just cause another argument.

I'm in year 13, resitting modules from AS as well as doing A2 and trying hopelessly hard to get 3 As in order to qualify for applying to medicine... I don't wanna speak to teachers or those helplines for fear of them interrogating me and phoning parents and god knows what they would do. I'm really on my own... trying to use my textbook as a form of escapism so i can be more productive but instead I'm stuck on the internet tryna get my mind off everything which is a really bad habit to be developing now...

oh well... thanks for the help :redface:
Original post by Anonymous
Yeah I've spoken to him, he'd calm down for like a few hours and then he just gets worse than before. He hasn't been seeking help because he thinks there's nothing wrong with him. He's only 15 btw. I'll try and tell him about them but he'll probably think I'm patronising him and it will just cause another argument.

I'm in year 13, resitting modules from AS as well as doing A2 and trying hopelessly hard to get 3 As in order to qualify for applying to medicine... I don't wanna speak to teachers or those helplines for fear of them interrogating me and phoning parents and god knows what they would do. I'm really on my own... trying to use my textbook as a form of escapism so i can be more productive but instead I'm stuck on the internet tryna get my mind off everything which is a really bad habit to be developing now...

oh well... thanks for the help :redface:


It sounds like you're doing the best you can do. Even if he thinks it is patronising, him having those helplines could make a big difference. Teachers and helplines are bound to confidentiality rules, and wouldn't speak to your parents unless you're an urgent danger to yourself, which it doesn't sound like you are, plus, if you're in year 13 I'm assuming you're 16+ too. If you're distracted a lot then it's probably a lot more productive to talk to teachers etc. about this, so you feel more supported and do better in the long run! Good luck with your A levels and application to Medicine :smile:
Original post by BurstingBubbles
It sounds like you're doing the best you can do. Even if he thinks it is patronising, him having those helplines could make a big difference. Teachers and helplines are bound to confidentiality rules, and wouldn't speak to your parents unless you're an urgent danger to yourself, which it doesn't sound like you are, plus, if you're in year 13 I'm assuming you're 16+ too. If you're distracted a lot then it's probably a lot more productive to talk to teachers etc. about this, so you feel more supported and do better in the long run! Good luck with your A levels and application to Medicine :smile:


Yeah i'll tell him about it... i'll speak to someone if it distracts me too much, right now i think i'm managing. Thank you! :smile:
How do I tell someone that someone close to me (like a parent) is deceased? I'm sick of lying about my parents when introducing myself to new people but I don't want to kill the mood.
Original post by Anonymous
How do I tell someone that someone close to me (like a parent) is deceased? I'm sick of lying about my parents when introducing myself to new people but I don't want to kill the mood.


It always seems an awkward thing to mention in conversation. You want to mention it naturally and, as you say, not kill the mood... but it's tricky. I definitely think being honest and upfront is the most beneficial thing to do in the long run, or else it just becomes a bigger lie and more difficult to get out of. For a potentially short uncomfortable moment, it's much better than having to explain you lied, in my opinion. Plus, in the reverse situation, I'm sure you'd rather someone tell you earlier on. Obviously it depends on what you feel most comfortable doing, but it sounds like you don't like not telling people the truth. What do you tend to tell people? I'm sorry you feel like you have to lie :redface:

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