Scared of losing my identity
Hi everyone, bit of an unusual (if disappointingly unsensational) one here...
I'm native american and being native american is a really important part of who I am. My family feel the same and we are all deeply saddened by how rare our race of people has now become. I only have a few friends who share the same background as me so it's not very often I get to spend time with my own kind!
Before you all jump down my throat, i have lots of other lovely friends who are english etc. and awesome and i wouldn't be without them.
However, I still feel very cut off and it's become important to me that I marry a suitable native american man to have children with. My mother has always insisted on it with the idea of "don't let us die out" but i never previously took much notice. Somehow, I care more now (rightly or wrongly). Aside from race or anything like that, it's more of a cultural thing. I simply want to be with someone i feel at home with - something I have found lacking in my relationships so far.
I am with a really amazing english guy at thr moment and we have been together for nearly a year. We're very happy but I'm starting to feel pressured into staying with him forever. He loves me and says I'm "the one". But i never know what to say back!
I love him dearly but i don't feel i could marry him and have children with him, because it's so important to me that i find a native american man.
Am i being really stupid? I just feel so panicky about losing my identity and having children that don't understand where they have come from...
For the record, my family is deeply the against the idea of me staying with my english boyfriend on the same grounds, as well as the fact they don't think he is intelligent enough....
Desperately need some advice! Anyone got any ideas what i should do?
I'm native american and being native american is a really important part of who I am. My family feel the same and we are all deeply saddened by how rare our race of people has now become. I only have a few friends who share the same background as me so it's not very often I get to spend time with my own kind!
Before you all jump down my throat, i have lots of other lovely friends who are english etc. and awesome and i wouldn't be without them.
However, I still feel very cut off and it's become important to me that I marry a suitable native american man to have children with. My mother has always insisted on it with the idea of "don't let us die out" but i never previously took much notice. Somehow, I care more now (rightly or wrongly). Aside from race or anything like that, it's more of a cultural thing. I simply want to be with someone i feel at home with - something I have found lacking in my relationships so far.
I am with a really amazing english guy at thr moment and we have been together for nearly a year. We're very happy but I'm starting to feel pressured into staying with him forever. He loves me and says I'm "the one". But i never know what to say back!
I love him dearly but i don't feel i could marry him and have children with him, because it's so important to me that i find a native american man.
Am i being really stupid? I just feel so panicky about losing my identity and having children that don't understand where they have come from...
For the record, my family is deeply the against the idea of me staying with my english boyfriend on the same grounds, as well as the fact they don't think he is intelligent enough....
Desperately need some advice! Anyone got any ideas what i should do?
Scroll to see replies
Anyone?
Pretty please...
Yes, you are being pretty stupid, why get with someone if you don't have the intention to marry? You're just waiting your own and most importantly your boyfriends time. 'Don't let us die out?' You taking the piss ????? If you love him, it doesn't matter about the country you were from. You're both human beings
Wasting***
Im currently with someone from a different ethnic background to and if she ever said what you said in this thread, I'd break up with her in a heartbeat.
Im currently with someone from a different ethnic background to and if she ever said what you said in this thread, I'd break up with her in a heartbeat.
Your roots are so important.
However, the only thing that matters is what's important to YOU. Not your family, not your boyfriend. You.
Is it your own personal happiness? Is it continuing your ancestry? Is it just going with the flow?
It's quite noble and mature of you to think like that, but think carefully...
If you choose your lineage, then let this boy down gently. That you love him, but you feel you have a duty to your people, etc. Because he clearly loves you, so don't string him along.
And if you do find a Native American man, make sure there are more reasons than just to continue your race. The relationship is for you as well, and you need to be happy.
However, the only thing that matters is what's important to YOU. Not your family, not your boyfriend. You.
Is it your own personal happiness? Is it continuing your ancestry? Is it just going with the flow?
It's quite noble and mature of you to think like that, but think carefully...
If you choose your lineage, then let this boy down gently. That you love him, but you feel you have a duty to your people, etc. Because he clearly loves you, so don't string him along.
And if you do find a Native American man, make sure there are more reasons than just to continue your race. The relationship is for you as well, and you need to be happy.
Original post by Anonymous
Yes, you are being pretty stupid, why get with someone if you don't have the intention to marry? You're just waiting your own and most importantly your boyfriends time. 'Don't let us die out?' You taking the piss ????? If you love him, it doesn't matter about the country you were from. You're both human beings
Original post by Anonymous
Wasting***
Im currently with someone from a different ethnic background to and if she ever said what you said in this thread, I'd break up with her in a heartbeat.
Im currently with someone from a different ethnic background to and if she ever said what you said in this thread, I'd break up with her in a heartbeat.
Yeah i totally get what you're both saying! I don't care about racial anything but as I said, it's the cultural historic side I'm referring to.
So for example, he offended my mother a couple of times by accident just over cultural differences and now she hates him and won't tolerate our relationship!
I KNOW i should just ignore it but it's not as simple as that.
A relationship is not just between two people, but rather two families.
We haven't even DARED introduce our families to each other because his family are mildly racist towards anyone nonwhite and my family want me to marry a native american!
I have serious concerns about raising children in such an environment of hate, in any case.
It's difficult though because apart from that i can see he:d make a great dad and life partner and i know this is what he so desperately wants. I just can't agree to it because im so worried about everything
I get your reasoning, but if you don't think he's the one go easy on him and tell him as soon as you decide
Posted from TSR Mobile
Posted from TSR Mobile
(edited 8 years ago)
Original post by donutellme
Your roots are so important.
However, the only thing that matters is what's important to YOU. Not your family, not your boyfriend. You.
Is it your own personal happiness? Is it continuing your ancestry? Is it just going with the flow?
It's quite noble and mature of you to think like that, but think carefully...
If you choose your lineage, then let this boy down gently. That you love him, but you feel you have a duty to your people, etc. Because he clearly loves you, so don't string him along.
And if you do find a Native American man, make sure there are more reasons than just to continue your race. The relationship is for you as well, and you need to be happy.
However, the only thing that matters is what's important to YOU. Not your family, not your boyfriend. You.
Is it your own personal happiness? Is it continuing your ancestry? Is it just going with the flow?
It's quite noble and mature of you to think like that, but think carefully...
If you choose your lineage, then let this boy down gently. That you love him, but you feel you have a duty to your people, etc. Because he clearly loves you, so don't string him along.
And if you do find a Native American man, make sure there are more reasons than just to continue your race. The relationship is for you as well, and you need to be happy.
Thanks, it's the toughest decision I've ever had to make and i'm really scared i'll do the wrong thing and throw everything away
I didn't care when i first started dating him and he made me so happy. It's more recently that he's been putting more pressure on me to make the commitment, but i just can't do it without my parents approval. My heritage is now just as important to me though as it is to them. If i met my boyfriend now, i probably never would have started dating him for these reasons alone.
It's the combination of pressure from him and my parents disapproval that is making this so unbearable. I hardly have the mental silence to compose my own thoughts
Original post by Andy98
I get your reasoning, but if you don't think he's the one go easy on him and tell him as soon as you decide
Posted from TSR Mobile
Posted from TSR Mobile
I think I'd hate myself forever...
Original post by furbybrain
I think I'd hate myself forever...
No you wouldn't, I've heard far worse, you'll get over it with time
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by Andy98
How could it be worse?
If that's your choice then fine, but I suggest telling your boyfriend immediately, because it's incredibly unfair and cruel to string him along when you know it's not going to last.
Original post by furbybrain
How could it be worse?
Well, not to put too fine a point on it but my ex girlfriend died (likely suicide) soon after I said something stupid and she dumped me....
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by Plantagenet Crown
If that's your choice then fine, but I suggest telling your boyfriend immediately, because it's incredibly unfair and cruel to string him along when you know it's not going to last.
Yeah I know and I feel guilty about that part a lot. And I imagine how rejected and angry I'd feel if it was the other way round.
We've talked about it a lot. He won't let me end it because he keeps insisting that i am "the one". I feel like I'm going mad...
Original post by furbybrain
Yeah I know and I feel guilty about that part a lot. And I imagine how rejected and angry I'd feel if it was the other way round.
We've talked about it a lot. He won't let me end it because he keeps insisting that i am "the one". I feel like I'm going mad...
We've talked about it a lot. He won't let me end it because he keeps insisting that i am "the one". I feel like I'm going mad...
Don't let him pressure you. Just be gentle and say you can't have the life you want with him
Posted from TSR Mobile
I want to get the farb gel spray criminal identifier which is basically a legal version of pepper spray just in case because when I come home late I'm a bit scared because my area is rough.
Original post by Andy98
Well, not to put too fine a point on it but my ex girlfriend died (likely suicide) soon after I said something stupid and she dumped me....
Posted from TSR Mobile
Posted from TSR Mobile
That is terrible, I am so sorry!!!
You mustn't blame yourself, however. Remember that suicide is the ultimate agressive statement used to hurt people you love, much more than anything else. She had no right to do that to you.
Certainly puts things into perspective for me...
Original post by furbybrain
That is terrible, I am so sorry!!!
You mustn't blame yourself, however. Remember that suicide is the ultimate agressive statement used to hurt people you love, much more than anything else. She had no right to do that to you.
Certainly puts things into perspective for me...
You mustn't blame yourself, however. Remember that suicide is the ultimate agressive statement used to hurt people you love, much more than anything else. She had no right to do that to you.
Certainly puts things into perspective for me...
If I hadn't said it, she wouldn't have done it
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by donutellme
Don't let him pressure you. Just be gentle and say you can't have the life you want with him
Posted from TSR Mobile
Posted from TSR Mobile
We had a long and very difficult conversation on the phone along those lines earlier.
I told him that i loved him and that i enjoy the times we share together, but that i couldn't envisage a future together.
He thought i was breaking up with him and got very upset.
I said i wasn't but rather needed to be free of the pressure of being expected to stay in the relationship forever. I said i just wanted to have a normal young relationship where we enjoy each day at a time rather than everything being CONDITIONAL of staying together for the rest of our lives.
I'm angry that he puts so much pressure on me but i feel guilty for upsetting him so much. We've had several talks like this over the last couple of months now. Our relationship is very much on the rocks due to both the pressure coming from him and my fixation on cultural preservation
Quick Reply
Related discussions
- Advanced mathematics
- Coming out to parents
- Anxiety about Uni
- anyone who beat themselves up over not getting all top grades in A-level?
- lnat essay feedback
- Confused about my sexuality after break-up
- UCL Politics and IR Applicants
- I accidentally wrote the wrong Centre Number for my AS exam...
- UCAS
- AS level art exam
- I'm very stuck with my results. HELP?
- Physiotherapy or pharmacy
- confirming identity for British passport need help
- Can I apply to University with just provisional drivers license?
- Imperial College or TU Delft?
- Missed trial shift
- Predictions for English Literature 2023 Edexcel
- Anyone else scared they'll get falsely marked as using AI?
- Losing virginity
- im going to lose my friends :(
Latest
Trending
Last reply 5 days ago
My friend might be getting extra time and i hate it.Last reply 5 days ago
Just found out about UCL stat test but can't afford to sit itLast reply 2 weeks ago
Dad keeps criticising my university degree choiceLast reply 3 weeks ago
Is this pathetic or genuinely something to be upset aboutTrending
Last reply 5 days ago
My friend might be getting extra time and i hate it.Last reply 5 days ago
Just found out about UCL stat test but can't afford to sit itLast reply 2 weeks ago
Dad keeps criticising my university degree choiceLast reply 3 weeks ago
Is this pathetic or genuinely something to be upset about
