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My past is keeping me from getting in to a relationship

I decided to post this because I have nobody to speak to. It's a long post but I hope someone who's been in my shoes can help me, otherwise I'll consider seeing a psychiatrist.

I'm a 23 year old guy. I was physically abused and bullied as a kid (nothing sexual). When I left school and entered sixth form at 16, the abuse and bullying stopped but my anxiety and depression started. The last 7 years were rough, I considered suicide many times. I kept it bottled up because frankly it's seen as weak for a guy to talk about such things. When I did open up to my friends, I was laughed at for my depression and was told I brought it upon myself. I got fat, needy and had low self-esteem. All my free time was consumed by anime, videogames and eating. I couldn't even imagine getting a girlfriend. Fast forward to my 23rd birthday. I decided enough was enough. I wanted to start living life. I left all my toxic friends, joined the gym, discovered real hobbies, and took my diet very seriously. I will be turning 24 later this month and I've completely turned my body and habits around. I don't recognise the boy I was a year ago.

Now the problem. With my improved body and confidence, interest from girls has skyrocketed over the last year. But I consider myself too damaged. Each time I can potentially escalate with a girl, a voice inside me reminds me of the abuse/bullying/depression I faced and tells me I'm not good enough. For example: there was a medic in my uni who asked me out for coffee. I didn't consider myself good enough to date a future doctor so I never got back to her. Another girl agreed to go out with me over text after I met her at a networking event, again I used exams an excuse and ghosted her. I met a third girl at a salsa class, she gave me her number and was asking where I am at the next class - I just stopped going to salsa and she's also been ghosted. There are a few more. Even now, girls give me eye contact everywhere I go and try to talk to me at work. I just avoid eye contact and pretend I'm focused or haven't noticed. I feel like if I look back and smile, they'll see the hideous monster I was and cringe. My thoughts are always to just get back in the gym until one day I feel I'm good enough, but I fear I never will be.

I will be starting my masters later this month at a new university. I just want to move on and find a girl I can cherish. Besides, I fancy this girl at work and I think she fancies me too but again the voice inside my head stops me from doing anything. What steps can I take to move on and put my past behind me?

Reply 1

phyf

If you don't already, I would talk to a therapist or if not just someone you trust. It will probably be impossible for you to just forget about all the stuff you've gone through, but talking to someone about your problems may help you feel a little better. Also, if a girl shows signs of liking you, that means you're definitely good enough to be with them ! Good luck!!