Me and my partner have been arguing more and more.

Sorry for the long post incoming...

My partner and I began dating nearly 4 years ago, when we met after both starting university together. A recurring problem for us has been how much we argue, and in almost all cases its my partner who starts these (which she agrees with). Things got particularly bad a year and a half ago and I ended up breaking up with her for a short while, but we bounced back and tried to work on it, making great progress. This is why I stick around, because other than these arguments I really love everything about my partner, and she seems so open to trying to work together on improving our relationship.

For our first three years we had lived in shared houses with other students, but a few months ago we moved in together in our own flat, but now we argue more and more and seem to make little progress. Its gotten to the point where I've been keeping track of arguments, and in the last 25 days we have had a major argument on 17 of them, almost all of which are started by my partner and about half of which she refused to apologise for.We're now looking into couples therapy, but the arguments continue and I don't know if I can hold up for much longer (she has even mentioned considering breaking up with me after some arguments). The previous time I broke up with her was because we had argued for about two weeks straight, and its now basically at that point again. Although since our lease on the flat dosen't expire until next July I have no idea what we'd do if we broke up now (we both can't afford to rent elsewhere). I blamed our previous arguments on us being at university and not having time to deal with our issues, I don't think I can keep using that excuse anymore though.

In each of these arguments I never insult my partner, I very rarely raise my voice, and I find myself mostly just on the defensive. She seems to always be on the offensive, and will blame the argument on something relatively minor (especially compared to the insults I get in response) that I had done earlier (e.g. forgetting something she had told me, miscalculating when I'd get home, getting confused about something she said).

To give some examples, over the past few weeks she has:
- threatened to tell my friends about 'how horrible a person I am'.
- repeatedly said 'you did' for about 10 minutes after I told her I didn't want to answer a certain question.
- clapped her hands loudly next to my ears when I told her I wanted to just drop the argument and stop talking to her for a bit.
- Worst of all was one time that she got right up in my face and shouted 'you did. you did. you did.' when we disagreed about something I said earlier, I was frightened and she suddenly had a terrifying happy smile on her face as if she enjoyed my reaction. She then refused to let me leave my desk to get lunch until I apologised to her.

I never treat my partner in anyway like these examples, and I keep the relationship going in hopes that we can work things out. Though honestly recently I have really been wondering if what she is doing to me counts as emotional abuse. I'll feel dreadful for hours after these arguments, but then we'll talk for a bit and she'll apologise and I seem to sink slowly back to normal in hopes that it'll be better, only for the process to repeat a day or two later. I've never discussed this stuff with anyone before, and I'm not really sure what advice I need tbh. Perhaps if anything, I'm wondering if you think this behaviour is emotional abuse, if you think couples therapy might help, or if you think maybe I should go to therapy on my own (my partner has been in therapy for a couple of years which has helped us with a handful of previous issues in our relationship).

TL;DR: My and my partner's relationship seems to be falling at the seams, I'm wondering what I can do to help save it.

Reply 1

Sorcerer's Storm

You have to break up with her, it’s as simple as that. Arguing that much is crazy and even how she treats you and speaks to you during arguments is not on. The fact these arguments were already a thing in the past when you broke up with her is a huge red flag. I appreciate the lease doesn’t end till July so unfortunately you might have to stick it out until then but don’t make the mistake of renewing or finding somewhere else to live with her because it honestly sounds like this relationship is irrevocably broken. When the lease is up you need to dump her and move on with your life.

Reply 2

Ab33r

Original post by Sorcerer of Old

Exactly. I agree with the above message.

Till your lease ends, ask her for space or just limit your interactions with her by keeping yourself busy and stuffs. If possible, communicate with her about how the arguments are really affecting you negatively. Cause honestly, man, that sounds so draining and toxic. You really need space away from her for your own emotional and mental sake. And if she truly cares and values you, she should respect that.