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my bf thought i was a virgin when we had sex but i wasn’t

not long before me and my bf started dating he briefly asked me if i was a virgin during a conversation and i don’t remember this very well but i know i didn’t say anything for a few seconds because i didn’t know what to say. i had lost my virginity about a year beforehand with my first bf but i regret this as we were both quite young and he wasn’t a nice person and pretty much pressured me into it. anyway my bf assumed i was a virgin (he was as well) and i think i just nodded in response or something along those lines. me and my bf became sexually active a few weeks later and it never once crossed my mind about my past till recently when we’re well into our relationship. i have no idea what to do. i feel awful as i have never lied to him about anything before. we never argue and have a very healthy relationship but i have started feeling guilty about it. any advice appreciated x

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Confess. He deserves to know
I can't see what your problem is tbh
Original post by ageshallnot
I can't see what your problem is tbh

how do you mean?
Original post by Anonymous
how do you mean?


Just keep your past to yourself.
Reply 5
How does he feel about the lie?
Let him think whatever he wants.
You haven't told him anything about your sexual history.
Nor lied to him.
Your private life and prior relationship history before you started seeing him is not relevant to his life.
Nor to your current relationship.
Reply 7
Previous sex lives are private, unless you choose to talk about them. I doubt he would have chosen not to sleep with you if you’d told him. I would do what you feel is right and to be honest wouldn’t worry so much about letting sleeping dogs lie if that’s what you want to do. I guess though you do need to decide what to say if it comes up again for any reason.
Original post by Anonymous
not long before me and my bf started dating he briefly asked me if i was a virgin during a conversation and i don’t remember this very well but i know i didn’t say anything for a few seconds because i didn’t know what to say. i had lost my virginity about a year beforehand with my first bf but i regret this as we were both quite young and he wasn’t a nice person and pretty much pressured me into it. anyway my bf assumed i was a virgin (he was as well) and i think i just nodded in response or something along those lines. me and my bf became sexually active a few weeks later and it never once crossed my mind about my past till recently when we’re well into our relationship. i have no idea what to do. i feel awful as i have never lied to him about anything before. we never argue and have a very healthy relationship but i have started feeling guilty about it. any advice appreciated x


update: i told him as i simply couldn’t handle the anxiety even though i’ve tried telling myself that it doesn’t matter and is in the past. turns out all my fear wasn’t needed anyway as he wasn’t angry in the slightest. i already have sexual trauma from this first bf and other things which i obviously won’t disclose so he was very understanding of why it has only recently emerged (we’ve been working on my trauma together) and just wanted to make sure i was okay. he doesn’t mind that my first time wasn’t with him as my first real, special one was with him. thank you for any responses x
Original post by Anonymous
update: i told him as i simply couldn’t handle the anxiety even though i’ve tried telling myself that it doesn’t matter and is in the past. turns out all my fear wasn’t needed anyway as he wasn’t angry in the slightest. i already have sexual trauma from this first bf and other things which i obviously won’t disclose so he was very understanding of why it has only recently emerged (we’ve been working on my trauma together) and just wanted to make sure i was okay. he doesn’t mind that my first time wasn’t with him as my first real, special one was with him. thank you for any responses x


Job done 😃
Original post by londonmyst
Let him think whatever he wants.
You haven't told him anything about your sexual history.
Nor lied to him.
Your private life and prior relationship history before you started seeing him is not relevant to his life.
Nor to your current relationship.

Lying by omission...
Original post by Anonymous
Lying by omission...

Nope.
Lying is via direct words that are spoken or written with dishonest intent.

The last ex kept his sordid high risk sexual antics with sex workers secret from me.
His behaviour was disgusting and he put my health at risk.
But he never lied to me.
Original post by anonymous
update: I told him as i simply couldn’t handle the anxiety even though i’ve tried telling myself that it doesn’t matter and is in the past. Turns out all my fear wasn’t needed anyway as he wasn’t angry in the slightest. I already have sexual trauma from this first bf and other things which i obviously won’t disclose so he was very understanding of why it has only recently emerged (we’ve been working on my trauma together) and just wanted to make sure i was okay. He doesn’t mind that my first time wasn’t with him as my first real, special one was with him. Thank you for any responses x

great well done :smile:
Original post by londonmyst
Nope.
Lying is via direct words that are spoken or written with dishonest intent.

The last ex kept his sordid high risk sexual antics with sex workers secret from me.
His behaviour was disgusting and he put my health at risk.
But he never lied to me.

Lying by omission, also known as a continuing misrepresentation or quote mining, occurs when an important fact is left out in order to foster a misconception. Lying by omission includes the failure to correct pre-existing misconceptions.
Original post by Anonymous
not long before me and my bf started dating he briefly asked me if i was a virgin during a conversation and i don’t remember this very well but i know i didn’t say anything for a few seconds because i didn’t know what to say. i had lost my virginity about a year beforehand with my first bf but i regret this as we were both quite young and he wasn’t a nice person and pretty much pressured me into it. anyway my bf assumed i was a virgin (he was as well) and i think i just nodded in response or something along those lines. me and my bf became sexually active a few weeks later and it never once crossed my mind about my past till recently when we’re well into our relationship. i have no idea what to do. i feel awful as i have never lied to him about anything before. we never argue and have a very healthy relationship but i have started feeling guilty about it. any advice appreciated x


You have to be honest about it. Tell him that you lied and you were not a virgin. Best to do it now than he finds out and dumps you, then you accuse him of being insecure.
Original post by Anonymous
update: i told him as i simply couldn’t handle the anxiety even though i’ve tried telling myself that it doesn’t matter and is in the past. turns out all my fear wasn’t needed anyway as he wasn’t angry in the slightest. i already have sexual trauma from this first bf and other things which i obviously won’t disclose so he was very understanding of why it has only recently emerged (we’ve been working on my trauma together) and just wanted to make sure i was okay. he doesn’t mind that my first time wasn’t with him as my first real, special one was with him. thank you for any responses x


Well done for telling him. Don't listen to people who tell you to lie to your bf. Always be honest and truthful with the person you claim to love. We have many relationships built on lies, then wonder why society is going down the toilet.

Next time, if you are in a serious relationship and you are asked, please be honest about your past. It would be for your own good. That approach would remove those guys who cannot handle it and those guys left would be for you.

You don't want to give years of your life to a guy who dumps you because you lied. Don't play yourself.
Original post by londonmyst
Nope.
Lying is via direct words that are spoken or written with dishonest intent.

The last ex kept his sordid high risk sexual antics with sex workers secret from me.
His behaviour was disgusting and he put my health at risk.
But he never lied to me.


That’s not really true. You can lie by omission or concealment.

If you asked your last ex whether he currently did not have an STD and he nodded in response or something along those lines, but in reality he knew he did, then he lied to you.
Original post by Anonymous
Lying by omission, also known as a continuing misrepresentation or quote mining, occurs when an important fact is left out in order to foster a misconception. Lying by omission includes the failure to correct pre-existing misconceptions.

That sounds like an attempt to reclassify complete silence, not correcting someone else's erroneous impressions or deliberately being economical with the facts as lying.
Original post by Wired_1800
That’s not really true. You can lie by omission or concealment.

If you asked your last ex whether he currently did not have an STD and he nodded in response or something along those lines, but in reality he knew he did, then he lied to you.

I disagree with including any of that under lying.
Swerving direct questions through diversionary verbal answers, never directly mentioning something or providing ambiguous responses based on facial expressions or body language- none of these are the same as telling a lie nor lying in writing.

Of course people can deliberately try to mislead, keep all/some of their past hidden or attempt to dupe others in any number of ways.
Often with unpleasant and dishonest motivations.
Whilst ensuring that they never resort to any direct lying.
But this is a different issue and shouldn't be conflated with lying.
Original post by Wired_1800
Well done for telling him. Don't listen to people who tell you to lie to your bf. Always be honest and truthful with the person you claim to love.


Lying is such an inherent part of being human that it's extremely rare for anyone to live up to the standards of ALWAYS being honest with one's partner and NEVER lying to them.

I'd have to admit to being a hypocrite if I advised someone to always be honest.

I'd also say that for the majority of people, if they wanted to improve themselves and improve their lives, there's 27 other things they should focus on ahead of being 100% honest for ever-more with their partners. And it's only when they've got those 27 things squared away that it would make sense to address the honesty.

This thread is a good example of a scenario where the truth didn't matter. Confessing didn't matter. There are loads of other things in the OP's budding romance that are more important - and which so far have been more than good enough.

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