Independence

Last summer my parents found cigarettes in my bag and asked what id been doing. I told them honestly that I did smoke and I’d also tried a few drugs (nothing hardcore really). What my mum said next has stuck with me for a while

‘Please stop for me.’

Now before I carry on, I don’t want any of the ‘drugs and cigs are bad for you you shouldn’t do them anyway’ chat. This isn’t about that. What this is about is independence and freedom.

I’m 21 years old, nearly 22, and still feel constant vigilance from my parents. They’re Christian, and I’d still call myself a Christian. So they weren’t necessarily very strict but they disguised a lot of ‘you can never do this’ out of love. Which I get, and I do love them immensely and I’m so grateful for what they’ve done for me in my life.

The bit that frustrates me is feeling like I’m living for them, and that I’m not being treated as an adult who can make his own decisions. I don’t really care if they’re the wrong decisions, they’re my decisions and that’s what I’m concerned about not having.

I stopped for a while on my own accord, but on reflection their words did have an affect on my choice. Anyway, recently I started smoking again and it comes with so much guilt that it just shouldn’t. Again, not because of the smoking itself or whatever, but because I shouldn’t feel like I can’t make my own choices.

There’s rarely any conflict in the family. Everything’s always tied up neatly in a bow, with any issues being resolved as quickly as possible. Not long ago, before I started smoking again, my mum made me promise that I wasn’t doing it, which I honestly said yes. And now that I am, there’s so much guilt that I feel like shouldn’t be there.

I just want to feel like the adult that I am, capable of making his own decisions without fear of what they’ll think.