Strict parents

Im a 15 year old. Since the past 4 years things have changed between me and my mother especially. Growing up ive become very introverted, an anti social person which is not acceptable in my family where everyone wants u to interact and stop being shy. Being a muslim girl living in Pakistan there have been Loads of restrictions on me, never went to my frnd's house alone, never going with them to malls, cinema etc. My father worked abroad and so my mother would be here alone. Growing up i constantly moved away from my mother due to all the restrictions because of which i developed a hatred, got indulged in mental health issues, depression, stress and anxiety,

CONTENT WARNING: mention of previous suicidal thoughts / self harm


All around i would see my friends having fun at school, going to each other's places, and i just heard stories of it all and felt deprived. I had to be the perfect girl, had to be good in studies and household work, never question anything and living according to what my mother wanted. I became extremely conscious of my acts around people and started doing everything very perfectly, not leaving any chance of mistakes, and restricted my choices for myself. All this started suffocating me and yet i couldn't talk to my mother about it because of the fear of her not understanding and breaking her hopes in me. Only my close friends knew about it and no one else. My father couldn't come home for 4 years due to covid and i was used to living without him. As the time of returning got close, my fears of being restricted further grew and i didnt want him to come back. After he came back it happened as i had thought, even more restrictions and consequently i moved away from both of my parents, became absolutely quite and stopped taking fun in anything and just didnt want to talk to anyone. Now my mother talks about my behavior with the whole family which makes me even more angry and fed up. My behavior is criticized a lot by everybody around and no one understands what they have done to me. I am just waiting for the time for me to become independent and finally get to do something the way i want, choose the career i want, wear what i like, eat what i like, go somewhere freely, and just being allowed some freedom.

I completely empathise and sympathise because I have been in the same situation as yourself, and I also thank heavens for the privilege of, inter alia, independence that employment has bestowed upon me, allowing me to make autonomous decisions.

I would have advised on opening up to your parents or a senior, extended family but you seem to imply that there’s really no one to take your side, they’re all operating from the same playbook. However, you can inform your teachers/counsellor at school to intervene, your parents will probably take the advice from a professional more seriously, and it would signal the seriousness of the issue that you face to your parents.

I guess my other advice would be to work really hard towards your independence. Since it seems as though there’s a conspiracy from everyone around you to ‘make everyone proud’, at the expense of your health and autonomy; I would, if I were in your position, grab this opportunity to utilise every means at my disposal to gain financial independence (education and employment), and as a result, gain familial independence.

Just ensure you persevere, but if things get really out of hand for you, open up to your family about how they’re making life almost not worth living. That, or conform to escape, I guess.

Thanks! Well, I have chosen the path of working for my independence since opening up about it to my parents/family member is something i can never do. Im trying to improve my focus on studies even more to achieve the goals i have set for my future. Hoping for the best...

Im a 15 year old. Since the past 4 years things have changed between me and my mother especially. Growing up ive become very introverted, an anti social person which is not acceptable in my family where everyone wants u to interact and stop being shy. Being a muslim girl living in Pakistan there have been Loads of restrictions on me, never went to my frnd's house alone, never going with them to malls, cinema etc. My father worked abroad and so my mother would be here alone. Growing up i constantly moved away from my mother due to all the restrictions because of which i developed a hatred, got indulged in mental health issues, depression, stress and anxiety,

CONTENT WARNING: mention of previous suicidal thoughts / self harm


All around i would see my friends having fun at school, going to each other's places, and i just heard stories of it all and felt deprived. I had to be the perfect girl, had to be good in studies and household work, never question anything and living according to what my mother wanted. I became extremely conscious of my acts around people and started doing everything very perfectly, not leaving any chance of mistakes, and restricted my choices for myself. All this started suffocating me and yet i couldn't talk to my mother about it because of the fear of her not understanding and breaking her hopes in me. Only my close friends knew about it and no one else. My father couldn't come home for 4 years due to covid and i was used to living without him. As the time of returning got close, my fears of being restricted further grew and i didnt want him to come back. After he came back it happened as i had thought, even more restrictions and consequently i moved away from both of my parents, became absolutely quite and stopped taking fun in anything and just didnt want to talk to anyone. Now my mother talks about my behavior with the whole family which makes me even more angry and fed up. My behavior is criticized a lot by everybody around and no one understands what they have done to me. I am just waiting for the time for me to become independent and finally get to do something the way i want, choose the career i want, wear what i like, eat what i like, go somewhere freely, and just being allowed some freedom.

I'm sorry you feel like this.

I grew up in a similiar but definitely not as strict household. I was never able to go out with friends etc. and felt like i was missing out on so much and although you should have the freedom to do something so innocent, it really wont matter in the future that you couldnt go out, had to wear certain clothes, etc. That is probably easy for me to say given I am older than you are but my point is that it wont always be this way.

I gained freedom when I got a job, could afford to live and do things for myself, drive, etc.

For the long term, I would say to focus on your education, get a good job that you enjoy and let that be what sets you free in a way. However, for the short term, I would suggest speaking to somebody. Maybe a counsellor in school about your pressures. If you cant go out, find hobbies that you can enjoy at home to shift your mind from the depression. You are 15 and should not be under the pressure to be 'perfect' by anybody and should not need to act like it just to please the people around you. If you feel like you dont want to talk, dont talk, it is your parents responsibility to figure out what is wrong and if they choose to make comments about your behaviour instead of help, then that is a wrongdoing on their part and not yours. It may be worth speaking to your mum about this and how much it is affecting you, but if you feel like you wont get a great reaction from this, focus on yourself and finding happiness in other ways, coping with their comments and finding ways to dismiss them.