Am I being selfish?
My mother has done everything for me and I recognise that. Living with my father makes her miserable and she keeps saying that she wants to leave. She has done so a couple of times then has come back (probably for me). All she does is talk about how depressed she is and how she regrets meeting my father, or other topics of bitterness She rarely speaks of anything else. I ask her how I can help her and she says I can't, so I end up bearing all of her misery alone.
Now she is saying she doesn't want me to go on a gap year so she can leave our home as quickly as possible.
I'm mostly venting, because I can't do anything else, but I would welcome advice.
Now she is saying she doesn't want me to go on a gap year so she can leave our home as quickly as possible.
I'm mostly venting, because I can't do anything else, but I would welcome advice.
Hi,
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It gets draining holding onto other people’s bitterness.
What does your dad think of this? Have they ever discussed couples counselling? I wonder what keeps bringing her back? She sounds almost lost. I want to leave but I don’t know what I will be doing when I’ve left. Does your mum have an identity of her own? Her own hobbies and social circle?
In terms of your gap year, you can only live for yourself. As blunt as it sounds, your mum is making her choices and that is her right. Whether she leaves or not, should not be linked to your gap year. Nor in my mind does it make a difference if you go on the gap year or not. Perhaps it is for you to think about - if your mum left permanently after the gap year, would you be willing to live with one parent in probably a smaller place than now?
Maybe try to convince your mum to take up a hobby that she can attend to consistently at least once a week so you both have some respite there
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It gets draining holding onto other people’s bitterness.
What does your dad think of this? Have they ever discussed couples counselling? I wonder what keeps bringing her back? She sounds almost lost. I want to leave but I don’t know what I will be doing when I’ve left. Does your mum have an identity of her own? Her own hobbies and social circle?
In terms of your gap year, you can only live for yourself. As blunt as it sounds, your mum is making her choices and that is her right. Whether she leaves or not, should not be linked to your gap year. Nor in my mind does it make a difference if you go on the gap year or not. Perhaps it is for you to think about - if your mum left permanently after the gap year, would you be willing to live with one parent in probably a smaller place than now?
Maybe try to convince your mum to take up a hobby that she can attend to consistently at least once a week so you both have some respite there
No, you are not being selfish. 
Always put your own health and ambitions first.
Does your mother have some savings and a monthly source of income?
Is she healthy and working?
Has she spoken with a lawyer about seeking a divorce or the financial implications of separation?
Does she have any close friends or relatives that she will be able to move in with if she leaves your father?
Always put your own health and ambitions first.
Does your mother have some savings and a monthly source of income?
Is she healthy and working?
Has she spoken with a lawyer about seeking a divorce or the financial implications of separation?
Does she have any close friends or relatives that she will be able to move in with if she leaves your father?
Original post by Anonymous
Hi,
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It gets draining holding onto other people’s bitterness.
What does your dad think of this? Have they ever discussed couples counselling? I wonder what keeps bringing her back? She sounds almost lost. I want to leave but I don’t know what I will be doing when I’ve left. Does your mum have an identity of her own? Her own hobbies and social circle?
In terms of your gap year, you can only live for yourself. As blunt as it sounds, your mum is making her choices and that is her right. Whether she leaves or not, should not be linked to your gap year. Nor in my mind does it make a difference if you go on the gap year or not. Perhaps it is for you to think about - if your mum left permanently after the gap year, would you be willing to live with one parent in probably a smaller place than now?
Maybe try to convince your mum to take up a hobby that she can attend to consistently at least once a week so you both have some respite there
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It gets draining holding onto other people’s bitterness.
What does your dad think of this? Have they ever discussed couples counselling? I wonder what keeps bringing her back? She sounds almost lost. I want to leave but I don’t know what I will be doing when I’ve left. Does your mum have an identity of her own? Her own hobbies and social circle?
In terms of your gap year, you can only live for yourself. As blunt as it sounds, your mum is making her choices and that is her right. Whether she leaves or not, should not be linked to your gap year. Nor in my mind does it make a difference if you go on the gap year or not. Perhaps it is for you to think about - if your mum left permanently after the gap year, would you be willing to live with one parent in probably a smaller place than now?
Maybe try to convince your mum to take up a hobby that she can attend to consistently at least once a week so you both have some respite there
She's probably fincially depedent on him and can't leave. My mum is in the same situation my dad is abusive to her but she can't leave as he finically controls her (ie stopping her from working) so she's forced to stick with him and deal with the abuse. She also doesn't want to live in a refuge and I don't blame her to be honest they aren't nice places, what the goverment give homeless and abuse victims to live in. I've lived in them shitholes trust me.
I agree, my mum has recently taken the gym to avoid seeing my dad as he works from home and thankfully he didn't stop or control her doing that so a few days a week she gets a peace of mind away from him at least, me I'm not so fortunate. But I'm in the process of moving out so I don't have to deal with his **** anymore since he is abusive to me as well.
Original post by Anonymous
She's probably fincially depedent on him and can't leave. My mum is in the same situation my dad is abusive to her but she can't leave as he finically controls her (ie stopping her from working) so she's forced to stick with him and deal with the abuse. She also doesn't want to live in a refuge and I don't blame her to be honest they aren't nice places, what the goverment give homeless and abuse victims to live in. I've lived in them shitholes trust me.
I agree, my mum has recently taken the gym to avoid seeing my dad as he works from home and thankfully he didn't stop or control her doing that so a few days a week she gets a peace of mind away from him at least, me I'm not so fortunate. But I'm in the process of moving out so I don't have to deal with his **** anymore since he is abusive to me as well.
I agree, my mum has recently taken the gym to avoid seeing my dad as he works from home and thankfully he didn't stop or control her doing that so a few days a week she gets a peace of mind away from him at least, me I'm not so fortunate. But I'm in the process of moving out so I don't have to deal with his **** anymore since he is abusive to me as well.
I’m sorry to hear that, that’s genuinely awful. May god protect us all from people like that.
It’s so upsetting there are no better choices for abuse victims in this country even. Has your mum ever sought counselling before eg at a women’s shelter/ charity? Oftentimes they are low-cost or even free.
The Freedom Programme is good for info and runs a support group. Herts Sunflower has some practical advice. MIND have subsections where they help DV survivors and also homeless.
I understand you’re probably familiar with these but as you know then, there’s never a 1 quick fix and there will be a nasty transition if you or your mum ever decide to leave. I hope you have family around to support?
Glad to hear your mum is getting respite from the gym. I hope you are getting some respite too. Good luck with the move. Keeping you in my prayers.
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