Both of my parents had a stroke from their unhealthy ways

My parents keep having an unhealthy diet that Im not surprised they both had a stroke.
I knew the foods were unhealthy ( like takeaways once a week unhealthy), and I tried to convince them to stop but I always had the same
" Oh I just ate a little"
"We only eat a small amount and its been a while we had it"
"Oh I will eat more vegetables the next day"
All talk but its not true of course. And imo it didnt matter how much vegetables you eat, the frequency of processed foods consumed (which was VERY often) does not just disappear because of it! I got fed up of the frequent meals sometimes more than 3-4 meals a day.
Now my parents are old and my Dad had a stroke a year ago which messed up our family. I hoped it was a wake up call for my parents and they said to me "they will change"
But no. It was the same thing all over again. I now cook and try to cook healthy meals they consume but still they would just add on more unhealthy foods alongside it, makes my efforts redundant
Now, for a month my Mom had a stroke a more serious one than Dad. And I tried so hard to help my family (which I have more personal struggles with them) and visiting my mom every day. She saw the other people that had a stroke and hated it felt like it was a "dying place" for her so I thought her complaining motivated her to change after leaving. This is what my Dad said to me but I had strong doubts and didnt believe him or my mom. I dont trust them anymore and to sum up we had a heated frustrated discussion of me just saying the truth as if Im like their parent which is ****ed up.

But now my mom is out of the hospital, she is back to her OLD WAYS
Im crying right now because Im going to uni and it feels like Im gonna be stuck with my family for the rest of my life which I dont want to. I wish I am financially independent and gone right now after years of this on top of struggling with an autistic brother that would target me violently most of the time. Im in a strict household with a curfew and Im not allowed to go anywhere else without permission still despite nearly 20 years old

I dont know what to do anymore as I feel like I was so close to leaving my family for good, I may now have MORE responsibilities to take on taking care of my parents (as its kind of part of our culture) for the rest of my life
Because they seem not to care with their life anyway until they are back to the hospital possibly worse, I would definitely have to take care of them and I honestly dont want to.

I wanted to vent but can someone pls help me
Am I wrong thinking like this ?
I feel bad abandoning my family as they said I would be "giving up on our family" which honestly I really want to now

Reply 1

sixthformstress

11

Original post by Anonymous

My parents keep having an unhealthy diet that Im not surprised they both had a stroke.
I knew the foods were unhealthy ( like takeaways once a week unhealthy), and I tried to convince them to stop but I always had the same
" Oh I just ate a little"
"We only eat a small amount and its been a while we had it"
"Oh I will eat more vegetables the next day"
All talk but its not true of course. And imo it didnt matter how much vegetables you eat, the frequency of processed foods consumed (which was VERY often) does not just disappear because of it! I got fed up of the frequent meals sometimes more than 3-4 meals a day.
Now my parents are old and my Dad had a stroke a year ago which messed up our family. I hoped it was a wake up call for my parents and they said to me "they will change"
But no. It was the same thing all over again. I now cook and try to cook healthy meals they consume but still they would just add on more unhealthy foods alongside it, makes my efforts redundant
Now, for a month my Mom had a stroke a more serious one than Dad. And I tried so hard to help my family (which I have more personal struggles with them) and visiting my mom every day. She saw the other people that had a stroke and hated it felt like it was a "dying place" for her so I thought her complaining motivated her to change after leaving. This is what my Dad said to me but I had strong doubts and didnt believe him or my mom. I dont trust them anymore and to sum up we had a heated frustrated discussion of me just saying the truth as if Im like their parent which is ****ed up.

But now my mom is out of the hospital, she is back to her OLD WAYS
Im crying right now because Im going to uni and it feels like Im gonna be stuck with my family for the rest of my life which I dont want to. I wish I am financially independent and gone right now after years of this on top of struggling with an autistic brother that would target me violently most of the time. Im in a strict household with a curfew and Im not allowed to go anywhere else without permission still despite nearly 20 years old

I dont know what to do anymore as I feel like I was so close to leaving my family for good, I may now have MORE responsibilities to take on taking care of my parents (as its kind of part of our culture) for the rest of my life
Because they seem not to care with their life anyway until they are back to the hospital possibly worse, I would definitely have to take care of them and I honestly dont want to.

I wanted to vent but can someone pls help me
Am I wrong thinking like this ?
I feel bad abandoning my family as they said I would be "giving up on our family" which honestly I really want to now

Firstly, I am so sorry you are going through this situation - it sounds really tough. My answer is a little autobiographical as I had a similar experience so I hope that can help you feel as though you aren't alone. It's completely okay to feel how you're feeling and in no way are you abandoning anybody, you're simply feeling the stress of being in a situation noone should have to be in (particularly not if they're put there by their own family).

My Dad had a stroke in December (partly due to his own unhealthy ways although he does also have a history of heart problems in his family and is quite a lot older than most dads of 17 year old girls, so I'll cut him some slack). When we put so much effort into helping people and they seem to ignore those efforts it's easy to feel as though there's no point helping at all. I don't know the exact specificsof your situation but it sounds like it's really hard and I'm sorry you're having to deal with all of that on top of going to uni! My dad's stroke happened around mocks and that was stressful enough...

Truthfully I think it depends on what you can reasonably take; my nan also had a stroke and sometimes it's very difficult to visit her but I know that if I didn't visit her and help her with things at her house I would feel really bad about it - far worse than I feel when I'm there. I also don't have the best relationship with my dad, but unfortunately my conscience is too loud to allow me to cut him off entirely or stop trying to help him (no matter how much it feels as though that help is not appreciated, and in some cases is even disdained).

I definitely don't think you would be 'giving up' as it seems as though you've put loads of effort in already; if anything, uni should be the time where you are really separate from your parents for you to enjoy and explore things on your own rather than worrying about being shackled to them and looking after them. No child should have to be a parent to their own parents! However if you're talking about 'giving up' in the sense of after becoming financially independent you wouldn't want to see them again then I think it basically depends on whether or not you would personally be able to deal the consequences of that (there's no right or wrong it's literally just your personal preference).

All in all I hope the situation somewhat improves but if not please don't beat yourself up over it - things with your brother must just exacerbate the parent situation and I can imagine your having to console him as well considering your parents health (on top of him you treating you awfully). I don't really have much further advice aside from possibly seeing if your parents might be eligible for carers (that could definitely stand to make things easier for you while you're at uni and as they get into old age).

Reply 2

artful_lounger

Universities Forum Helper

21

There's a lot of issues raised here but I would just point out, diet and lifestyle are not the only factors that may cause strokes or even underlying conditions that make a stroke more likely, such as high blood pressure. While they are certainly major factors there are plenty of potential other factors (e.g. genetic) which can contribute. I mostly point this out because if both of your parents had strokes, you can't assume that you will never have one if you eat "healthy" for the rest of your life, so it is something to be aware of for your own health and to share with your GP and follow their guidance for your own health.

In terms of your parent's health and how their lifestyle is affecting it, ultimately as long as they have capacity to make their decisions there is not going to be any medical intervention, and following that line of ethical thought on some level you probably do need to accept that it is their life and you need to let them make their own decisions - good and bad.

It is also worth recognising that you need to lead your own life, and so at 20 years old you maybe need to think about looking for a job and saving money to move out and get on with your own life. That doesn't need to mean you "abandon your family", but simply living outside of your family home, even if you are close enough to visit regularly (even daily) can do a lot to help you feel more comfortable with yourself and their situation by putting some (health level of) distance between you.

Both of my parents had a stroke from their unhealthy ways

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