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Why am I horrible when I’m drunk?

I truly just turn into a viscous horrible person! I also get very manipulative and it’s horrible. It nearly ruins my relationship everytime and even if I drink the same amount as everyone else, it just affects me so badly. I look like a crazy woman. And then the next day I have to deal with the lingering anxiety and doom if the night before and worried if I’m a bad person.

I’m not an alcoholic at all but I suppose I always drink socially and it needs to stop! Does anyone have any advice on trying to cut our alcohol totally cos it leads to bad places?
Hey, the first thing is, well done for identifying this as something that needs to change. Alcohol impacts everyone differently because there are so many factors involved - everything from how much water you've had to drink to your body size to your personality to your mood can have an impact on how you react to alcohol, so it's really impossible to predict what your reaction is going to be. In all honesty, though, a lot of people don't become nicer when they're drunk - I do have friends who just become sweet and funny when they drink, but I have equally as many who (as someone who chooses not to drink most of the time) I have to tell off for being unkind or inappropriate when they're drunk. It's not just you by any means.

The first thing to work out is what your goal is - are you aiming to cut alcohol out, or to reduce the amount you drink to a level when you're in more control of yourself. If it's the former, then that's easier to work out. If it's the latter, try working out how many drinks (and then howsny units of alcohol) it takes for you to become a person you don't like. Compare that amount to the recommended weekly intake limit and work out a new limit for yourself, for example, you might choose to half the amount you drink in one go. The trick is to make sure it's an amount where you'll be in control of yourself to actually stop when you get there. For this reason it might be easier, at least at first, not to drink at all until you're used to it feeling ok not to drink just because other people are.

The next step is putting it into practice. I've found that people are always really nice about me not drinking. One thing is that most people use alcohol as a disinhibitor to make them more comfortable socialising. What they don't really is that alcohol is a depressant and (as people do realise!) Never makes you feel better the morning after. But when you're spending time with people who are drinking, you can bounce of their moods to help yourself feel more relaxed and comfortable socialising. It's not exactly the same, but I find that doing this means I have as much fun when I don't drink, or to be honest probably more, than when I don't drink, and then I can remember what happened and have memories with my friends to keep. And then you don't have to worry about becoming a person you don't want to be when it gets to a certain point in the evening.

Next, find things you want to drink instead. I really like mocktails, but also fruit in water tastes surprisingly like Pimm's. If you have a 'drink' in your hand then no one can tell whether it has alcohol or not, so if you're nervous about peer pressure or judgement then this can really help. I also really like it because a lot of mocktails taste really nice and J don't have to worry about how fast I drink or how many I have. But honestly people are usually really nice about it - in my first year at uni my friends would always get digestive biscuits for me to use when we played drinking games instead of alcohol I don't know why it was biscuits but it was very sweet if them anyway!

So that's how to cope with being with friends who do drink, but naturally there are a lot of people in the world who don't drink, and a lot of places where people who do drink won't drink. Sometimes it's nice to have hobbies where people are unlikely to drink, so you know you can spend time with friends every week where it won't be a worry. So if you don't have any of these yet, try out some different clubs and societies and see if you like anything. Some societies will include after sport drinking, for example, but a lot of even most won't

If you have any other questions then feel free to ask. You're taking a big step but the hardest bit is recognising that it needs to be taken, so you're doing so so well.
Reply 2
Original post by Anonymous
Hey, the first thing is, well done for identifying this as something that needs to change. Alcohol impacts everyone differently because there are so many factors involved - everything from how much water you've had to drink to your body size to your personality to your mood can have an impact on how you react to alcohol, so it's really impossible to predict what your reaction is going to be. In all honesty, though, a lot of people don't become nicer when they're drunk - I do have friends who just become sweet and funny when they drink, but I have equally as many who (as someone who chooses not to drink most of the time) I have to tell off for being unkind or inappropriate when they're drunk. It's not just you by any means.

The first thing to work out is what your goal is - are you aiming to cut alcohol out, or to reduce the amount you drink to a level when you're in more control of yourself. If it's the former, then that's easier to work out. If it's the latter, try working out how many drinks (and then howsny units of alcohol) it takes for you to become a person you don't like. Compare that amount to the recommended weekly intake limit and work out a new limit for yourself, for example, you might choose to half the amount you drink in one go. The trick is to make sure it's an amount where you'll be in control of yourself to actually stop when you get there. For this reason it might be easier, at least at first, not to drink at all until you're used to it feeling ok not to drink just because other people are.

The next step is putting it into practice. I've found that people are always really nice about me not drinking. One thing is that most people use alcohol as a disinhibitor to make them more comfortable socialising. What they don't really is that alcohol is a depressant and (as people do realise!) Never makes you feel better the morning after. But when you're spending time with people who are drinking, you can bounce of their moods to help yourself feel more relaxed and comfortable socialising. It's not exactly the same, but I find that doing this means I have as much fun when I don't drink, or to be honest probably more, than when I don't drink, and then I can remember what happened and have memories with my friends to keep. And then you don't have to worry about becoming a person you don't want to be when it gets to a certain point in the evening.

Next, find things you want to drink instead. I really like mocktails, but also fruit in water tastes surprisingly like Pimm's. If you have a 'drink' in your hand then no one can tell whether it has alcohol or not, so if you're nervous about peer pressure or judgement then this can really help. I also really like it because a lot of mocktails taste really nice and J don't have to worry about how fast I drink or how many I have. But honestly people are usually really nice about it - in my first year at uni my friends would always get digestive biscuits for me to use when we played drinking games instead of alcohol I don't know why it was biscuits but it was very sweet if them anyway!

So that's how to cope with being with friends who do drink, but naturally there are a lot of people in the world who don't drink, and a lot of places where people who do drink won't drink. Sometimes it's nice to have hobbies where people are unlikely to drink, so you know you can spend time with friends every week where it won't be a worry. So if you don't have any of these yet, try out some different clubs and societies and see if you like anything. Some societies will include after sport drinking, for example, but a lot of even most won't

If you have any other questions then feel free to ask. You're taking a big step but the hardest bit is recognising that it needs to be taken, so you're doing so so well.


Thank you so much, I’m really relieved to know it’s not just me as in my friendship group it is just me. My boyfriend and I have our worst arguments when I’m drunk, I say nasty things and I obviously don’t mean them - the fact that it may push him away is in itself a reason to not touch alcohol.

I just hate how much of a different person I can be - it’s scary. I agree mocktails are great and actually taste good - I don’t even like the taste of alcohol.

I just don’t want it to push the people I love around me, I hope it’s not too late to change!
Original post by Anonymous
Thank you so much, I’m really relieved to know it’s not just me as in my friendship group it is just me. My boyfriend and I have our worst arguments when I’m drunk, I say nasty things and I obviously don’t mean them - the fact that it may push him away is in itself a reason to not touch alcohol.

I just hate how much of a different person I can be - it’s scary. I agree mocktails are great and actually taste good - I don’t even like the taste of alcohol.

I just don’t want it to push the people I love around me, I hope it’s not too late to change!

I really understand, it's terrifying to feel out of control of behaviours that you don't like. It sounds like you're making a really good decision. I mainly don't drink because I don't like the taste, but also because I don't want to make decisions I would regret in the morning. If it would be helpful you could even use this thread as a journal to help yourself keep going, or else choose a friend or ask your boyfriend to check in at certain intervals to help you stay on track. And if you ever do drink and regret it in the future, please do be kind to yourself - perfection is great but as long as we keep trying, it's ok to make mistakes too :smile:

Like I said, try starting off with some concrete goals and boundaries for yourself, so that in the moment it's easy to decide how to react if someone offers your a drink - is all alcohol off limits? In all settings and with all people? How about special occasions? And what will you eat/drink instead? If you think out all these things now then there will be less pressure in the future.

Really good luck for everything, it's a hard but very good decision and you're doing so well <3
Reply 4
Original post by Anonymous
I really understand, it's terrifying to feel out of control of behaviours that you don't like. It sounds like you're making a really good decision. I mainly don't drink because I don't like the taste, but also because I don't want to make decisions I would regret in the morning. If it would be helpful you could even use this thread as a journal to help yourself keep going, or else choose a friend or ask your boyfriend to check in at certain intervals to help you stay on track. And if you ever do drink and regret it in the future, please do be kind to yourself - perfection is great but as long as we keep trying, it's ok to make mistakes too :smile:

Like I said, try starting off with some concrete goals and boundaries for yourself, so that in the moment it's easy to decide how to react if someone offers your a drink - is all alcohol off limits? In all settings and with all people? How about special occasions? And what will you eat/drink instead? If you think out all these things now then there will be less pressure in the future.

Really good luck for everything, it's a hard but very good decision and you're doing so well <3


That’s a brilliant idea and I will definitely keep referring to this thread - to remind myself the reasons why. I’m just going to ramble on - pls don’t feel like you have to read I’m just typing for my reference later on.

Sometimes I randomly feel a surge of guilt when I remember all the nasty / weird things I’ve done when intoxicated! I think what must people think of me” and particularly ( even tho I’m 24) I get scared of what my parents would think if they found out my behaviour when I’m drunk. They drink wine etc but they didn’t raise me to be a horrible, rude , selfish woman which is exactly what I become when under the influence.

although my friends love me unconditionally, I do feel like they must be like wtf she is crazy’ …..and my boyfriend too I worry that he will grow to hate me if he remembers all our drunken arguments. But I guess I have to remember I can’t change the past, and 95% of the time I am a caring, kind, loving and respectful person. I have a good job and it’s not like I let alcohol ruin my life in that sense.

if also scares me because I’ve put myself in such vulnerable situations when I’ve been drinking, anything could happen to me and I’m scared for my future ( if I have children) daughter because I’ll wonder if she’ll be like me and just completely hopeless when having a drunk. Luckily I’ve had some really nice strangers help me out when I’ve been drunk ie random Uber drivers that I haven’t ordered taking me home for free because I’m in too much of a state to find my card. But it could’ve ended very differently

I think the ultimate goal is to just eliminate it completely ( unless it’s in cooking) because if I say I’m only going to have 2 drinks tonight” ( which most of the time I would be fine) but there have been some occasions where I haven’t eaten much and those two drinks can still make me very anxious, rude and accusatory. So I think to avoid any room for error I should just not drink.
Just dint drink it if you dont like how it effects you. Plenty of other things you can drink. Its a poison anyway, so Id recommend not drinking it either way.
People drink for different reasons, sometimes socially, sometimes to deal with stress, sometimes just because they feel in the mood.

I do all three but I fortunately don't tend to have negative personality come out. If I'm really drunk I may look silly and regret how much I drunk the morning after.

To deal with that I now only drink cans of premix drink from the supermarket. It's more expensive pound for pound but I drink less as a result and avoid getting really drunk so it works :smile:

Part of the problem with drinking is that it feels great at first and everyone seems fine around us with us doing it. So we have another & another and it feels even better. We then don't want to get off that rollercoaster climb until it gets to the top and can drink no more as it feels great. But the higher the climb the steeper the fall and the more out of control we are. So hence why I try to just keep to the one or sometimes just ask for cola or whatever. I know it's kind of seems expectant that you ask fif alcoholic drink when you go out but I've just done cola drinks all night before and it's been fine. The odd thing others might mention at first then they tend to forget about it and aren't bothered that you're just wanting to drink non alcoholic. After all it's the social time that's more important not what someone is drinking. So perhaps give it a go one night to just drink non alcoholic drinks and see how it goes.
Don't drink again. You already are a problem drinker.
Reply 8
When the pain is outweighing the fun it’s time to reevaluate. Drinking often becomes a bad habit, and breaking it for only a short time let’s you see all the benefits. Do a dry month and see where that takes you. There’s some good resources on TikTok on this topic

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