The Student Room Group

Relationship Problems… Help

Just looking for some advice really…

last week my now ex girlfriend broke up with me on our one year anniversary at a work Christmas party…
Our relationship on the whole had been amazing for the first 6 months and then after that, it’s like things changed overnight. We began arguing and falling into a negative cycle which we never really fixed. A lot of the arguing had been blamed on me for various things: not managing my stress etc. There’s never been a shared responsibility for her involvement in the arguments and never been any apology for any nasty things she’s said.

I ended up getting some therapy because I found myself in a bad place over the summer - completely overwhelmed and worried about the relationship and some other external stresses relating to work. Whilst I was on the therapy she decided that she wanted to put a break into place. It felt horrible, like she was walking away when I was at a low point. It lasted for 3 days before we were speaking again. Following that we had 6/7 very good weeks where the relationship felt the strongest it had ever been. I laid all of my trust and hope into her and loved her with everything.

Until about two weeks ago when things blew up again, she threatened another break which would run over Christmas, New Year and into Mid January, she asked for “minimal communication” and never explained what that meant. I respected her request and stepped back, as hard as it was. She’d communicated with my parents and left some very mixed messages about what was to come - said she loved me and cared about me: but then pushed all the blame of the arguing onto me.

the work Christmas party came around and things were awkward, she’d offered me a lift there and back. I accepted. That night she excluded me from the conversations with her friends, was very friendly to another male colleague, made several nasty comments about the relationship to one of her close friends and then when I was out of the room, she was dancing with a colleague who had his hands all over her and she had hers over him. It was very hurtful.
she then broke up with me publicly in front of our colleagues. It was humiliating. I left early and walked home as I didn’t want to be there anymore with the awkwardness of what had gone on and I didn’t feel it was right for me to sit in the car with her after that.

We work together at the same place and will come across each other in an environment where we will have to be professional. We’ve spoken only briefly following the breakup and I’ve asked if we can be civil to each other and respect each other. The messages we’ve exchanged this week have only been argumentative. Her mother phoned me yesterday and asked me to call her regarding Christmas Day, her mum beloved that my ex partner could be civil and would speak- I asked to call her politely in a text message and I got a torrent of abuse and ended up closing the conversation down immediately with my reply.

Her parent has always said “your welcome to come here on Christmas Day, we don’t want you to be alone”. Although I respect the offer and think it’s very kind - I do think it would be uncomfortable going there so I have chosen now to decline.

The thing is. I really loved this girl and I’m finding it very hard to take the break up. I don’t want to lose her from my life but I feel that she is wanting that by her actions. But I’m caught in this horrible situation of having to work alongside her occasionally. We would see each other in work every day.

What do I do? - I’ve tried communicating in a friendly manner and accepted fault for my part in the breakup and apologised for it.

How can I best get a solution for this situation? - I’ve tried asking to be civil and maintaining a distant friendship where we say hello etc. it didn’t go down well.

What would other people do?

Thank you.
The solution is simple. It's one you can apply by thinking about things clearly over Christmas. And then deciding to change.

Stop taking yourself and your life so seriously.

You didn't manage your stress well because you took things too seriously
You argued too much because you took what she said too seriously
You lost your girlfriend because you were too serious and not enough fun
You're wishing you could get her back because you're taking your broken relationship too seriously
You're feeling devastated now because you're taking her dumping you and humiliating you too seriously
You're worried about working with her in the New Year because you're taking what other people think too seriously

This doesn't mean that you should become some deadbeat hippy lounging around all year in a beach hut in Thailand.
It does mean that you should stop being uptight about so many things in your life. And that you should use this new you to proceed with optimism, positivity, a default state of laughing at stuff that used to get you down, the embracement of failure, a generally much lighter outlook and general attitude.

It's better if you don't get back with your ex. Your life will be more fun with a new woman. Or new women.

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