My boyfriend cheated, what do I do?
Me and my boyfriend have been dating just over 3 years and I would have said we had a very open and trusting relationship. He often goes out with friends without me and I’ve never worried about this beyond him getting home safe.
Just over a week ago he went out with some people he has met during his second year at university, he isn’t close friends with them and I have never met them however they are aware he has a girlfriend and my boyfriend says he has shown them all pictures of me/ talked about me. We had planned to meet up that evening but my boyfriend told me he had been asked to go bowling with them and asked me to pick him up in the evening which was no problem. He later messaged he was staying out and would stay at one of the guys houses, I just told him to be safe and then went to sleep.
The next morning he told me he had got so drunk to the point he was “paralytic” and woke up cold on the floor of this house with no memory of “anything” at all. I was obviously concerned asking him if he was okay and his behaviour in general was very defensive so I had asked him multiple times if anything had happened/ had he taken something, he just got annoyed at me and convinced me that I was just being controlling about him going out and nothing had happened. His weird behaviour continued throughout the following week, he wasn’t doing anything in particular but he just seemed distant and just off in general, but I had convinced myself I was just being paranoid.
Exactly a week later I got a text whilst I was at work saying “You know I have nothing without you” which I was immediately concerned about because it was very out of the blue and asked him what was wrong, he just kept saying he was sorry. I had to ask my boss if I can leave work as I thought something had happened to him or his family. When I got to his house he told me that the night he went out when they all got back to the guys house 4 of them got into bed to watch something/ chat, 2 of them then left leaving my boyfriend and this girl ( who is in a relationship herself and knows he is too) in bed together. He then said she leaned over and started to kiss him and they kissed for around a minute but he’s not too sure as he was really drunk. He told me he didn’t kiss her back but I can’t believe that they could kiss for a minute without him doing anything. He then said she started to rub him through his pants which at this point he pushed her off and nothing further happened.
A few days after this he said she approached him to tell him she had broken up with her boyfriend and wanted to starting talking/ meet up. He turned her down saying that he wants to be with me and that they shouldn’t speak anymore. He later blocked her.
He genuinely seems appalled and ashamed at his behaviour, both his drinking and his behaviour with this girl and he would do anything to win me back. I went away to think and then told him we can try and work through this but that was his one and only chance and anything in the future would be a complete dealbreaker, he has completely lost my trust and would have to work to build that back. I am heartbroken about this as I would of never imagined anything like this happening, it had never even entered my head.
In the 3 years we have been together I have had no reason to not trust him and I don’t want to waste all that time if this simply was just a “drunken mistake” but I don’t even know where to start with building back the trust.
Is there any way for us to work through this and build the trust back or do you feel I should have ended it then and there? Or maybe I have made this much bigger than it is and it simply was just a drunken kiss and that’s that.
Just over a week ago he went out with some people he has met during his second year at university, he isn’t close friends with them and I have never met them however they are aware he has a girlfriend and my boyfriend says he has shown them all pictures of me/ talked about me. We had planned to meet up that evening but my boyfriend told me he had been asked to go bowling with them and asked me to pick him up in the evening which was no problem. He later messaged he was staying out and would stay at one of the guys houses, I just told him to be safe and then went to sleep.
The next morning he told me he had got so drunk to the point he was “paralytic” and woke up cold on the floor of this house with no memory of “anything” at all. I was obviously concerned asking him if he was okay and his behaviour in general was very defensive so I had asked him multiple times if anything had happened/ had he taken something, he just got annoyed at me and convinced me that I was just being controlling about him going out and nothing had happened. His weird behaviour continued throughout the following week, he wasn’t doing anything in particular but he just seemed distant and just off in general, but I had convinced myself I was just being paranoid.
Exactly a week later I got a text whilst I was at work saying “You know I have nothing without you” which I was immediately concerned about because it was very out of the blue and asked him what was wrong, he just kept saying he was sorry. I had to ask my boss if I can leave work as I thought something had happened to him or his family. When I got to his house he told me that the night he went out when they all got back to the guys house 4 of them got into bed to watch something/ chat, 2 of them then left leaving my boyfriend and this girl ( who is in a relationship herself and knows he is too) in bed together. He then said she leaned over and started to kiss him and they kissed for around a minute but he’s not too sure as he was really drunk. He told me he didn’t kiss her back but I can’t believe that they could kiss for a minute without him doing anything. He then said she started to rub him through his pants which at this point he pushed her off and nothing further happened.
A few days after this he said she approached him to tell him she had broken up with her boyfriend and wanted to starting talking/ meet up. He turned her down saying that he wants to be with me and that they shouldn’t speak anymore. He later blocked her.
He genuinely seems appalled and ashamed at his behaviour, both his drinking and his behaviour with this girl and he would do anything to win me back. I went away to think and then told him we can try and work through this but that was his one and only chance and anything in the future would be a complete dealbreaker, he has completely lost my trust and would have to work to build that back. I am heartbroken about this as I would of never imagined anything like this happening, it had never even entered my head.
In the 3 years we have been together I have had no reason to not trust him and I don’t want to waste all that time if this simply was just a “drunken mistake” but I don’t even know where to start with building back the trust.
Is there any way for us to work through this and build the trust back or do you feel I should have ended it then and there? Or maybe I have made this much bigger than it is and it simply was just a drunken kiss and that’s that.
I’m sorry your going through this.
This is just from my experience so you don’t have to listen to anything I’m saying but I would tell this to anyone I cared about.
There were a lot of decisions that needed to be made to be where he was and do what he did. The going back to this place, letting his friends leave, being alone with a girl and everything else. At each point he didnt consider you. You can try to make it work if you choose but cheating is something that almost always follows you, you won’t trust him like you once did ever again. Is it worth ruining your peace. Nothing is worth ruining your peace imo.
If someone loves you, they wouldn’t put themselves in that position. You deserve better and believe me there are hundreds of men out there who wouldn’t have done the same in that situation.
If you wouldn’t have done it, find someone who also won’t do it.
This is just from my experience so you don’t have to listen to anything I’m saying but I would tell this to anyone I cared about.
There were a lot of decisions that needed to be made to be where he was and do what he did. The going back to this place, letting his friends leave, being alone with a girl and everything else. At each point he didnt consider you. You can try to make it work if you choose but cheating is something that almost always follows you, you won’t trust him like you once did ever again. Is it worth ruining your peace. Nothing is worth ruining your peace imo.
If someone loves you, they wouldn’t put themselves in that position. You deserve better and believe me there are hundreds of men out there who wouldn’t have done the same in that situation.
If you wouldn’t have done it, find someone who also won’t do it.
Original post by Anonymous #1
I’m sorry your going through this.
This is just from my experience so you don’t have to listen to anything I’m saying but I would tell this to anyone I cared about.
There were a lot of decisions that needed to be made to be where he was and do what he did. The going back to this place, letting his friends leave, being alone with a girl and everything else. At each point he didnt consider you. You can try to make it work if you choose but cheating is something that almost always follows you, you won’t trust him like you once did ever again. Is it worth ruining your peace. Nothing is worth ruining your peace imo.
If someone loves you, they wouldn’t put themselves in that position. You deserve better and believe me there are hundreds of men out there who wouldn’t have done the same in that situation.
If you wouldn’t have done it, find someone who also won’t do it.
This is just from my experience so you don’t have to listen to anything I’m saying but I would tell this to anyone I cared about.
There were a lot of decisions that needed to be made to be where he was and do what he did. The going back to this place, letting his friends leave, being alone with a girl and everything else. At each point he didnt consider you. You can try to make it work if you choose but cheating is something that almost always follows you, you won’t trust him like you once did ever again. Is it worth ruining your peace. Nothing is worth ruining your peace imo.
If someone loves you, they wouldn’t put themselves in that position. You deserve better and believe me there are hundreds of men out there who wouldn’t have done the same in that situation.
If you wouldn’t have done it, find someone who also won’t do it.
Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it.
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