So messed up :(
Hey guys. I can't sleep and I am feeling horrible and ended up on this site so I thought I would share my story.
I started uni in September and already after a couple of weeks I ended up kissing with a flat mate of mine. At first I thought it didn't mean anything as we were drunk but the next day he told me he didn't regret anything and asked to kiss me again. I said yes; it had been a long time since anyone had showed any interest on me and it felt exciting. I had heard he had a girlfriend back in his home country but since he told on the night that he kissed me that "I don't really have a girlfriend anymore" I thought it's ok. So soon we ended up having sex and it was awesome. Afterwards he said something like "it's so cool to have a friend like you. We can watch movies and ****.." It made me feel bad at the moment but I thought to myself it is way too early to expect anything else so I went along with it and we continued sleeping together every week. No one had ever made me feel so wanted and beautiful so I didn't see any reason to stop. Soon I found out he hadn't really broke up with his girlfriend back home. They were arguing, but he hadn't ended it with her, although he kept talking like it's "basically over" between them. I told him he should make a decision because it's not fair on any of us and that I don't want to keep sleeping with him if the girl still thinks they are together. We stopped sleeping together for a while but somehow I ended in his bed again and I realized I couldn't stay away from him. My feelings were getting too strong and I started hoping there could be something more between us once he just manages to sort out that **** with the girl. Although he had told me earlier he can't promise me anything and that he is not ready to commit for anything, I was naive and thought things would change with time.
This confusing situation went on for months. My feelings kept growing and I realized I was falling for him. For Valentine's I bought him a gift and left a note saying I think I am in love with him. When I asked him if he had read the note, he told me he doesn't want to talk about it. I said I couldn't keep that to myself anymore. He replied that he appreciates it, but "we've already talked about this." My heart was breaking because it seemed like he wasn't going to change his mind after all. I felt so stupid. Things had gone way too far and my feelings for him were so strong.
This week I finally felt like I can not take it anymore and told him we need to talk. I know he still keeps chatting with that girl and I don't think even he knows if they are still together or not. It has been hurting me so much, caring for someone a lot and not getting the same back. I told him how I feel like a piece of meat, that I want to be special to him but apparently he only wants one thing for me. He kept apologizing and telling me how he never wanted to hurt me. That he is not ready to date anyone and that there is nothing wrong with me, that any guy would be lucky to have me. It is really hard to believe. I have always struggled with low self-esteem and I can not help thinking he doesn't want me because I am not pretty or social enough etc.
One day after our talk I found out that he had set up a profile on a dating site. After he just told me he is not ready to date! I thought it couldn't hurt any more, but now I am really really messed up. I don'yt understand his behavior at all and I feel so worthless. It feels like a stab in the heart. I have hardly managed to get out of my room, haven't been eating properly, have been self-harming, haven't attended uni at all this week.. And this guy acts like nothing has ever happened between us. Seeing his picture on the dating site felt like a sick joke.
I keep thinking, I should have known better.. but I wanted to believe so much that things would change. I wish I could hate him, but I can't just turn off my feelings. Why did he do this to me.. I am so messed up and I have no idea how my heart can ever heal from this.. I have had depression for a long time but this has made everything a million times worse.
I started uni in September and already after a couple of weeks I ended up kissing with a flat mate of mine. At first I thought it didn't mean anything as we were drunk but the next day he told me he didn't regret anything and asked to kiss me again. I said yes; it had been a long time since anyone had showed any interest on me and it felt exciting. I had heard he had a girlfriend back in his home country but since he told on the night that he kissed me that "I don't really have a girlfriend anymore" I thought it's ok. So soon we ended up having sex and it was awesome. Afterwards he said something like "it's so cool to have a friend like you. We can watch movies and ****.." It made me feel bad at the moment but I thought to myself it is way too early to expect anything else so I went along with it and we continued sleeping together every week. No one had ever made me feel so wanted and beautiful so I didn't see any reason to stop. Soon I found out he hadn't really broke up with his girlfriend back home. They were arguing, but he hadn't ended it with her, although he kept talking like it's "basically over" between them. I told him he should make a decision because it's not fair on any of us and that I don't want to keep sleeping with him if the girl still thinks they are together. We stopped sleeping together for a while but somehow I ended in his bed again and I realized I couldn't stay away from him. My feelings were getting too strong and I started hoping there could be something more between us once he just manages to sort out that **** with the girl. Although he had told me earlier he can't promise me anything and that he is not ready to commit for anything, I was naive and thought things would change with time.
This confusing situation went on for months. My feelings kept growing and I realized I was falling for him. For Valentine's I bought him a gift and left a note saying I think I am in love with him. When I asked him if he had read the note, he told me he doesn't want to talk about it. I said I couldn't keep that to myself anymore. He replied that he appreciates it, but "we've already talked about this." My heart was breaking because it seemed like he wasn't going to change his mind after all. I felt so stupid. Things had gone way too far and my feelings for him were so strong.
This week I finally felt like I can not take it anymore and told him we need to talk. I know he still keeps chatting with that girl and I don't think even he knows if they are still together or not. It has been hurting me so much, caring for someone a lot and not getting the same back. I told him how I feel like a piece of meat, that I want to be special to him but apparently he only wants one thing for me. He kept apologizing and telling me how he never wanted to hurt me. That he is not ready to date anyone and that there is nothing wrong with me, that any guy would be lucky to have me. It is really hard to believe. I have always struggled with low self-esteem and I can not help thinking he doesn't want me because I am not pretty or social enough etc.
One day after our talk I found out that he had set up a profile on a dating site. After he just told me he is not ready to date! I thought it couldn't hurt any more, but now I am really really messed up. I don'yt understand his behavior at all and I feel so worthless. It feels like a stab in the heart. I have hardly managed to get out of my room, haven't been eating properly, have been self-harming, haven't attended uni at all this week.. And this guy acts like nothing has ever happened between us. Seeing his picture on the dating site felt like a sick joke.
I keep thinking, I should have known better.. but I wanted to believe so much that things would change. I wish I could hate him, but I can't just turn off my feelings. Why did he do this to me.. I am so messed up and I have no idea how my heart can ever heal from this.. I have had depression for a long time but this has made everything a million times worse.
You can't let him get to you anymore. Not eating and getting even more depressed isn't good at all. You need to remove him from your life, totally.
Have you not finished uni yet for the year? You can't be living with each other for much longer and when you aren't, it will get so much easier.
He isn't worth it. You need to realise that to move on. See your friends. Have a laugh with them. Go out and have fun. Flirt. Realise that there are so many more men out there who will treat you with respect and kindness.
Distance between both of you will make things so much easier after a while. I know it hurts so much right now, I have felt the same before where I didn't eat, didn't sleep and cried every day but trust me it gets easier. In the long run you will be so much happier without him in your life. You just have to wait things out for a while. But right now, eat! Be healthy!
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Have you not finished uni yet for the year? You can't be living with each other for much longer and when you aren't, it will get so much easier.
He isn't worth it. You need to realise that to move on. See your friends. Have a laugh with them. Go out and have fun. Flirt. Realise that there are so many more men out there who will treat you with respect and kindness.
Distance between both of you will make things so much easier after a while. I know it hurts so much right now, I have felt the same before where I didn't eat, didn't sleep and cried every day but trust me it gets easier. In the long run you will be so much happier without him in your life. You just have to wait things out for a while. But right now, eat! Be healthy!
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I suggest that if you could move out, you probably should.
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One the one hand, he told you that he wasn't with that girl - so you can't be blamed for that. However, you really should've completely left him alone once you found out he was in a relationship - so you are to blame for that bit. I do sympathise though, clearly you fell for him during the time you thought he was single, and those emotions don't go away just because you found out he's essentially cheating on another girl.
Firstly, please get some help through the University - counselling (especially for the self-harming) and don't let this guy dictate or get control of your life. You have to remember that he cheated on his girlfriend, do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who lies and cheats? He'll just do the same to you. You need to be strong and do what you should've done as soon as you found out he was in a relationship and stop having any kind of relations with him (I know this will be difficult because he's a flatmate).
No matter who you are, you deserve better than a liar and a cheat! Just to reiterate, please get some counselling, there's no shame in it - or go to see your doctor. Self-harming is no joke, don't feel it's a petty thing to see a GP about.
Firstly, please get some help through the University - counselling (especially for the self-harming) and don't let this guy dictate or get control of your life. You have to remember that he cheated on his girlfriend, do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who lies and cheats? He'll just do the same to you. You need to be strong and do what you should've done as soon as you found out he was in a relationship and stop having any kind of relations with him (I know this will be difficult because he's a flatmate).
No matter who you are, you deserve better than a liar and a cheat! Just to reiterate, please get some counselling, there's no shame in it - or go to see your doctor. Self-harming is no joke, don't feel it's a petty thing to see a GP about.
Original post by cl_steele
Dude getting on a man when he has a gf? Not cool.
It's more the guy's fault. Or are you of the opinion if a girl cheats, it's the girl's fault and if a guy cheats it's the girl he cheated with that's at fault - which is a rather hilarious opinion some men seem to hold.
(edited 11 years ago)
Original post by Noble.
It's more the guy's fault. Or are you of the opinion if a girl cheats, it's the girl's fault and if a guy cheats it's the girl he cheated with that's at fault - which is a rather hilarious opinion some men seem to hold.
Damn, long walk for a short drink of water...
When did I say the guy wasn't at fault? I'd more say both of them are equally at fault but hey ho
(edited 11 years ago)
Original post by cl_steele
Damn, short walk for a long way there...
When did I say the guy wasn't at fault? I'd more say both of them are equally at fault but hey ho
When did I say the guy wasn't at fault? I'd more say both of them are equally at fault but hey ho
Sorry, I didn't mean to make it sound like I was jumping down your thoat (which is how it sounds I know).
I always feel it's actually the person in the relationship who is more to blame. Yes, that person should just walk away once they realise the other person is in a relationship, however if they don't know the other person there's no motivation to walk away on the basis that you'll hurt someone you know - which is obviously supposed to be a motivation for the person in a relationship. So really, someone will only walk away if they have morals/standards.
Also, in the OP's case, it's clear the guy wasn't exactly black and white about the situation with the girlfriend, even after she found out he might still have a girlfriend he didn't give a straight answer - which is another reason I'd put most of the blame on him. Again, sorry for snapping at you!
Original post by Noble.
Sorry, I didn't mean to make it sound like I was jumping down your thoat (which is how it sounds I know).
I always feel it's actually the person in the relationship who is more to blame. Yes, that person should just walk away once they realise the other person is in a relationship, however if they don't know the other person there's no motivation to walk away on the basis that you'll hurt someone you know - which is obviously supposed to be a motivation for the person in a relationship. So really, someone will only walk away if they have morals/standards.
Also, in the OP's case, it's clear the guy wasn't exactly black and white about the situation with the girlfriend, even after she found out he might still have a girlfriend he didn't give a straight answer - which is another reason I'd put most of the blame on him. Again, sorry for snapping at you!
I always feel it's actually the person in the relationship who is more to blame. Yes, that person should just walk away once they realise the other person is in a relationship, however if they don't know the other person there's no motivation to walk away on the basis that you'll hurt someone you know - which is obviously supposed to be a motivation for the person in a relationship. So really, someone will only walk away if they have morals/standards.
Also, in the OP's case, it's clear the guy wasn't exactly black and white about the situation with the girlfriend, even after she found out he might still have a girlfriend he didn't give a straight answer - which is another reason I'd put most of the blame on him. Again, sorry for snapping at you!
Ah no s'all good!
I see where you're coming from I've just found that it tends to make it worse if said person believes the other may have a gf/bf but granted the chap not being especially forthright with the admission doesn't really help.
Unfortunately sounds like he was using excuses and he played you, I would cut him out completely before he hurts you even more.
Thanks for all the messages, guys.
I am seeing a counsellor so I am getting some help. I know self-harming because of this is really stupid.. I had'nt cut myself for ages (I used to do it in the past when I was struggling with depression) and I am sad I ended up doing it again..
The guy wasn't exactly lying to me, more like he left things unsaid and I was being naive so didn't ask. And when he did talk about it, he kept telling me how their relationship had been bad for a long time and it wasn't working. I thought I would just give him some time but for some reason he never really sorted things out. Thinking back, should have known better. The girl had cheated on him in the past so I guess he felt like it didn't matter if he wasn't faithful either.. Makes no sense though.
I thought things couldn't get any worse but soon after we had that talk I found out he had set up a dating site profile. It really hurts me he does something like that after he just told me he is not ready to date. He told me earlier he would definitely go out with me if he was in a different situation. I can't help thinking I was only good enough for sex but nothing else but that he told me otherwise to make me feel better. Apparently he is ready to date someone else, at least according to his profile. Makes me sick in the stomach to think he only wanted me for sex but might want someone else for more. It does not matter what he has said to me if what he does tells a different story.
I know I should forget him but it's not easy as he lives next door and we will be going to the same uni for the next two years. I am moving to a new house in June but until that, I will have to stand seeing him basically every day (unless I hide in my room all the time). I went away this weekend because I just couldn't stand being close to him. I am going back today and I have a horrible twist in my stomach. So scared to see him again. I know my feelings will be all over the place. I can't help it, when he starts talking to me, I seem to lose all my sense and despite the fact he has made me so sad, I can't stop loving him.
This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App
I am seeing a counsellor so I am getting some help. I know self-harming because of this is really stupid.. I had'nt cut myself for ages (I used to do it in the past when I was struggling with depression) and I am sad I ended up doing it again..
The guy wasn't exactly lying to me, more like he left things unsaid and I was being naive so didn't ask. And when he did talk about it, he kept telling me how their relationship had been bad for a long time and it wasn't working. I thought I would just give him some time but for some reason he never really sorted things out. Thinking back, should have known better. The girl had cheated on him in the past so I guess he felt like it didn't matter if he wasn't faithful either.. Makes no sense though.
I thought things couldn't get any worse but soon after we had that talk I found out he had set up a dating site profile. It really hurts me he does something like that after he just told me he is not ready to date. He told me earlier he would definitely go out with me if he was in a different situation. I can't help thinking I was only good enough for sex but nothing else but that he told me otherwise to make me feel better. Apparently he is ready to date someone else, at least according to his profile. Makes me sick in the stomach to think he only wanted me for sex but might want someone else for more. It does not matter what he has said to me if what he does tells a different story.
I know I should forget him but it's not easy as he lives next door and we will be going to the same uni for the next two years. I am moving to a new house in June but until that, I will have to stand seeing him basically every day (unless I hide in my room all the time). I went away this weekend because I just couldn't stand being close to him. I am going back today and I have a horrible twist in my stomach. So scared to see him again. I know my feelings will be all over the place. I can't help it, when he starts talking to me, I seem to lose all my sense and despite the fact he has made me so sad, I can't stop loving him.
This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App
Original post by Channah
Thanks for all the messages, guys.
I am seeing a counsellor so I am getting some help. I know self-harming because of this is really stupid.. I had'nt cut myself for ages (I used to do it in the past when I was struggling with depression) and I am sad I ended up doing it again..
The guy wasn't exactly lying to me, more like he left things unsaid and I was being naive so didn't ask. And when he did talk about it, he kept telling me how their relationship had been bad for a long time and it wasn't working. I thought I would just give him some time but for some reason he never really sorted things out. Thinking back, should have known better. The girl had cheated on him in the past so I guess he felt like it didn't matter if he wasn't faithful either.. Makes no sense though.
I thought things couldn't get any worse but soon after we had that talk I found out he had set up a dating site profile. It really hurts me he does something like that after he just told me he is not ready to date. He told me earlier he would definitely go out with me if he was in a different situation. I can't help thinking I was only good enough for sex but nothing else but that he told me otherwise to make me feel better. Apparently he is ready to date someone else, at least according to his profile. Makes me sick in the stomach to think he only wanted me for sex but might want someone else for more. It does not matter what he has said to me if what he does tells a different story.
I know I should forget him but it's not easy as he lives next door and we will be going to the same uni for the next two years. I am moving to a new house in June but until that, I will have to stand seeing him basically every day (unless I hide in my room all the time). I went away this weekend because I just couldn't stand being close to him. I am going back today and I have a horrible twist in my stomach. So scared to see him again. I know my feelings will be all over the place. I can't help it, when he starts talking to me, I seem to lose all my sense and despite the fact he has made me so sad, I can't stop loving him.
This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App
I am seeing a counsellor so I am getting some help. I know self-harming because of this is really stupid.. I had'nt cut myself for ages (I used to do it in the past when I was struggling with depression) and I am sad I ended up doing it again..
The guy wasn't exactly lying to me, more like he left things unsaid and I was being naive so didn't ask. And when he did talk about it, he kept telling me how their relationship had been bad for a long time and it wasn't working. I thought I would just give him some time but for some reason he never really sorted things out. Thinking back, should have known better. The girl had cheated on him in the past so I guess he felt like it didn't matter if he wasn't faithful either.. Makes no sense though.
I thought things couldn't get any worse but soon after we had that talk I found out he had set up a dating site profile. It really hurts me he does something like that after he just told me he is not ready to date. He told me earlier he would definitely go out with me if he was in a different situation. I can't help thinking I was only good enough for sex but nothing else but that he told me otherwise to make me feel better. Apparently he is ready to date someone else, at least according to his profile. Makes me sick in the stomach to think he only wanted me for sex but might want someone else for more. It does not matter what he has said to me if what he does tells a different story.
I know I should forget him but it's not easy as he lives next door and we will be going to the same uni for the next two years. I am moving to a new house in June but until that, I will have to stand seeing him basically every day (unless I hide in my room all the time). I went away this weekend because I just couldn't stand being close to him. I am going back today and I have a horrible twist in my stomach. So scared to see him again. I know my feelings will be all over the place. I can't help it, when he starts talking to me, I seem to lose all my sense and despite the fact he has made me so sad, I can't stop loving him.
This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App
Good that you decided to do so. I hope you will feel much better soon.
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