Boyfriend puts sport before me.

I'm important... I you loved me you'll.... More moaning...
Too many women expect the earth and the moon.
Leave the lad alone, if it's important to him I'm sure you'd understand. And if he loves you as much as you appear to love him there'll be many more birthdays.

Reply 21

Habibul Bashar

7

Original post by NerdGlasses

I've tried that. Didn't go quite the way I hoped....

Posted from TSR Mobile

Only join up if you genuinely want too. It's important to have space in relationships.

Reply 22

Sagga

5

Original post by NerdGlasses

So basically, I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now, and he does karate. He's done it since he started high school, and now were both at college 5 years later. However, I recently got a job making it a lot harder to see him, and when I can see him it's usually 'karate' nights. I've been ok with it for the past year, because I completely accept that it's a hobby of his and he wants to do well in it, but he has no interest in quitting any time soon. Now, I've been fine with the karate, up until he tells me that he's going to be missing my birthday and a party of my families because of it. I don't really know whether I am over reacting, or acting how anyone would to this situation. Anyway, I'm just stuck. It's been a long term relationship, and it's not an "on-and-off" one, but we don't agree on much, and this karate situation is one of them. Now, because of how long I've been with him, and how close he's gotten to my family, I know that I'm in love with him. I don't think I'll find anyone else, however I don't know how many times I can take getting dropped because his karate is more important. What would you do in this situation? And am I overreacting?

Just like you have got a job, his thing is karate. Yes I do agree that missing your birthday is not ideal so try speaking to him about it :smile:

Reply 23

NerdGlasses

OP

Original post by DH-Biker

To be fair, if he's been doing it that long, its largely a life style rather then a hobby. Whilst its obviously a perfectly reasonable request to see him more, he's been at Karate for that much time and with maintained it so by now you're not going to push him away from it; not that I'm suggesting that's your goal, but still.

You said Karate nights, so its more then one, depending on how many nights he goes to it per week and what else he does (if he's got a job, how much his college work takes up his time, etc), he might drop one of the Karate nights.

Honestly, I put cycling before a lot of other things in my life though two girls I've been with live in a nearby town and thus I could just cycle or drive in most nights.
What's your situation in regards to where you both live and what other things you've both got going on?

He does it twice a week, which hasn't really been a massive problem, but with all the college work we have, and I've started working, we rarely see each other now... I don't aim to make him quit, I just feel like I want him to realise that it upsets me when he misses dates that we've planned for ages.
I don't think people quite understand that when you plan something for ages, and then it gets dropped suddenly due to that, it's actually rather upsetting.
He lives about 3 hours away (walking) and its an hour bus journey just to get to him. His parents aren't the most helpful either, his parents will come up with excuses like they're too tired at 2 in the afternoon just so they don't take him, and so my mum has to go and pick him up. He doesn't cycle, and neither of us are driving yet, but it's just so hard to see each other.

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Reply 24

NerdGlasses

OP

Original post by Anonymous

I'm important... I you loved me you'll.... More moaning...
Too many women expect the earth and the moon.
Leave the lad alone, if it's important to him I'm sure you'd understand. And if he loves you as much as you appear to love him there'll be many more birthdays.

I'm not actually saying that though. I don't want him to quit. I just want him to be there on my birthday, it's not like I assumed he would be, for the last month we've spoken about it, for suddenly he's dropped me.

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Reply 25

silverbolt

19

Original post by NerdGlasses

I know, and I understand that, and I don't expect him to miss his competitions, but it's so often that our plans clash, and he has to change it last minute. I've tried to arrange things for a different day, but the only days we can both do are Wednesdays, and shocker, that's his karate night:/ looks like I'm just going to have to deal with it.

Posted from TSR Mobile

is wednesday the only night he can go? If he can go another night then suggest that. If not - well its always been his night and its your life that has forced this change due to your job. - i know its harsh but youll just have to make more of the time you have together

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 26

username447608

14

I can see why it could be upsetting you love your boyfriend you want to spend time with him yet you feel like he puts a sport above you. But trust me that is not true in the slightest, you have to have something YOU are passionate about that you do for YOU away from your partner , your family etc etc something that you enjoy and that makes you happy this is his karate. Its healthy that he has this sport that you spend time apart so he can do this sport, your partner should yes be the centre of your world but not the only thing in your world.

I have to balance my boyfriend with my sports, I do eventing which means I have to get up at 5:30 am everyday to go muck out my horses and if i have shows the next day I cant see my boyfriend this meant I missed his christmas party as i was away competing up North, that I go away competing with my horses for long periods of time, but he accepts it. Sometimes ive had to cancel dates half an hour before its supposed to happen as my horse has gone lame or has colic but he accepts this, he knows that if i didnt have horses and go away competing i would be very very unhappy. He is also into his football and the gym, so there are many times when he's away playing football or going on football boys nights out and therefore cant see me. And yes it gets frustrating sometimes however its the most healthy thing for our relationship

Imagine if he didnt have a sport and he spent lots of time with you and had nothing else he enjoyed or got excited for, youd get so intense youd both suffocate. Why dont you look into starting a sport or even just join the gym or what not.

Him being attached to his sports doesnt mean hes putting them above you but its giving your relationship a healthy balance you cant expect him to give up something he clearly loves as then he will resent you

Reply 27

Michaelj

10

Bit selfish to assume he'll give up a life long hobby for you, don't you think? Ok missing birthdays and events is harsh but he shouldn't have to give up stuff for you.

Reply 28

scrotgrot

16

Original post by NerdGlasses

Trying to work things out with him is like trying to talk to a brick wall, and I just end up wanting to punch him in the face.

Mightn't be the best idea :p:

Reply 29

Anonymous #2

Original post by NerdGlasses

So basically, I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now, and he does karate. He's done it since he started high school, and now were both at college 5 years later. However, I recently got a job making it a lot harder to see him, and when I can see him it's usually 'karate' nights. I've been ok with it for the past year, because I completely accept that it's a hobby of his and he wants to do well in it, but he has no interest in quitting any time soon. Now, I've been fine with the karate, up until he tells me that he's going to be missing my birthday and a party of my families because of it. I don't really know whether I am over reacting, or acting how anyone would to this situation. Anyway, I'm just stuck. It's been a long term relationship, and it's not an "on-and-off" one, but we don't agree on much, and this karate situation is one of them. Now, because of how long I've been with him, and how close he's gotten to my family, I know that I'm in love with him. I don't think I'll find anyone else, however I don't know how many times I can take getting dropped because his karate is more important. What would you do in this situation? And am I overreacting?

Posted from TSR Mobile

lucky you, at least he is not gay.

Reply 30

such_a_lady

16

Original post by NerdGlasses

So basically, I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now, and he does karate. He's done it since he started high school, and now were both at college 5 years later. However, I recently got a job making it a lot harder to see him, and when I can see him it's usually 'karate' nights. I've been ok with it for the past year, because I completely accept that it's a hobby of his and he wants to do well in it, but he has no interest in quitting any time soon. Now, I've been fine with the karate, up until he tells me that he's going to be missing my birthday and a party of my families because of it. I don't really know whether I am over reacting, or acting how anyone would to this situation. Anyway, I'm just stuck. It's been a long term relationship, and it's not an "on-and-off" one, but we don't agree on much, and this karate situation is one of them. Now, because of how long I've been with him, and how close he's gotten to my family, I know that I'm in love with him. I don't think I'll find anyone else, however I don't know how many times I can take getting dropped because his karate is more important. What would you do in this situation? And am I overreacting?

Posted from TSR Mobile

1. Did no one else notice that? That's not an especially good sign.

2. Untrue. Should never be a big reason for staying in a relationship.

Reply 31

Pigling

8

Several issues:

1) He loves karate and its a big part of his life. This you have to take or leave. It's not unreasonable for him to have a passion which often "comes first", it would never be good for your relationship to try and force him away from that. It's part of him.

2) He makes promises he doesn't keep. This is more of an issue. Unless something particularly, un-missably important comes up in karate, he shouldn't be ditching plans with you made months in advance at the last minute. That's just rude, and inconsiderate of your feelings.

3) You've stated you can't see yourself finding anyone else?! *alarm bells* Is this the reason you're with your boyfriend?

Reply 32

AdviceSeeker09

2

I don't think you're overreacting. Having a hobby is obviously fine, but to miss important parts of your life for it is a bit selfish. He can go to Karate any time.

Reply 33

xoxAngel_Kxox

21

He's been doing karate longer than he's known you. That is his life, you knew that when you got together, you can't expect him to change his lifestyle because YOUR daily timetable has changed. I have things on certain nights of the week, and my boyfriend would never expect me to change that just because it didn't suit him.

Part of choosing who you are in a relationship with is whether you fit together. If you don't, then break up. If he gave up karate for you, he would resent you for it.

Reply 34

Steezy

15

Get your own hobby....

I can understand the frustration at missing your birthday though, that's a bit harsh... Unless it's a competition or grading which is very important..

Reply 35

jess_m94

12

Original post by NerdGlasses

x

Have you told him exactly how you feel about it? Because if you have just said 'it annoys me that you put karate before me', then he might not realise how serious it is to you. I would probably tell him flat out how you feel, and that it makes you consider breaking up with him (but emphasise that you don't want to break up). Once you do, then you guys can start to talk things through, and work out a compromise e.g. if he misses the party then he has to go to the next event with you or something :smile:

And also the suggestion that you join karate as well was quite good :smile:

Reply 36

Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not approve of this thread.

Reply 37

medbh4805

20

If this guy has been doing karate for a long time and is serious about it, missing sessions would have an effect on his fitness, mess up his training schedule and possibly lead to him being deselected from squads for major events if he missed too many of them. When I did judo seriously I had to have a damn good reason for missing certain sessions (regional squad events etc) and meeting up with a boyfriend didn't cut it.

It might be trivial to you but this is possibly something he takes very seriously and is a major part of his life. Missing sessions might not seem like a big deal to you but it very well could be to him.

Reply 38

JohnC2211

17

As someone who trains in Karate and other martial arts myself I think you're over-reacting. Yes he may not be handling things in the best way but those nights are his Karate nights. If you've been doing it for a long time then it is more of a life style and an escape than a 'hobby'. He will resent you forever if you try and get him to quit. At least he's not 'out drinking with the lads'. His Karate nights are always going to be at the same time on the same day too, so if you are incapable of working around this maybe you should re-evaluate your relationship.