Unexpected Break Up - Ex is Housemate

I started a relationship with my housemate at university about six weeks after term began last year (we didn't know each other previously, so when I moved into the house it was the first time we met). He'd been crazy into me the whole time, but I was initially nervous- going out with someone you live with is never a good idea, right? Plus I'd never actually been in a proper relationship before, so the whole thing was new and slightly terrifying. I liked him, but I wasn't sure just how much I liked him, and whether it was worth it. But he convinced me to give it a try; he adored me so much, and there was a lot I liked about him, and along with promises that this would be "the best year together", I was happy to give it a go.

He had a change of heart around two weeks ago, and broke up with me last week. To say that it was a shock is an understatement- I can't describe just how into me he was when we first got together- he even told me that the six weeks we spent as friends before getting together were painful for him, because he wanted to be with me so much. I'm not doubting the veracity of his original feelings, and he's saying that I've done nothing wrong in the relationship- that he still cares about me as a person, that I was a great girlfriend and so on. But apparently recently it just hasn't felt 'right'.

I understand that these things happen, and I'm trying to focus on getting on with my work and keeping busy to stop myself from being upset. But unfortunately in the last month of our relationship I really fell for him- it's as though as his feelings waned, my feelings grew. The most difficult thing is, of course, that we live together, and he wants us (when I'm ready) to still be friends like we were before, to hang out together sometimes, but without the romantic side of things.

I'm not really sure how to deal with this. When I see him I feel better, but I'm guessing that's just because I still want to be with him, and I miss him and spending time together (even doing things like hanging out in the kitchen) is the closest I'll get. But another part of me thinks that I'm going to struggle to move on, even if we only spend the odd evening together.

I'm pretty cut up about the whole thing, especially because he's the first guy that I've ever fallen for. Ultimately I don't want to lose his friendship, but am I right in thinking that perhaps it's too soon for us to just go back to hanging out? It also really upsets me how he seems to be dealing with the break-up okay (he said he'd already processed all of the horrible feelings beforehand, whereas I'm having to deal with it all now) and I swing from being annoyed at him for being somewhat insensitive, to just longing to be with him and thinking that he's done nothing wrong.

TL;DR: first relationship with housemate who was originally doting but decided to end it after a change of heart. He wants to hang out now like we used to when we were just friends, but I'm not sure whether I should- will it help, or will I struggle to move on?

Reply 1

Studentus-anonymous

12

Eh, you'll learn in time that relationships come and go, and it isn't a bad thing that they end.

I'd agree that hooking up with a house/flatmate is probably best avoided but chalk it up to experience.

You'll be fine, and as long as you keep heading forward and just accept it's over with no ill feelings, you should be able to hang out and be mates perhaps.

Because whether you want to get back together or not, it's over. And in the grand scheme of things it wasn't that serious a relationship.

Best of luck.

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by Studentus-anonymous

Eh, you'll learn in time that relationships come and go, and it isn't a bad thing that they end.

I'd agree that hooking up with a house/flatmate is probably best avoided but chalk it up to experience.

You'll be fine, and as long as you keep heading forward and just accept it's over with no ill feelings, you should be able to hang out and be mates perhaps.

Because whether you want to get back together or not, it's over. And in the grand scheme of things it wasn't that serious a relationship.

Best of luck.

You're right that it wasn't that serious...But I guess to me it seems like it was more serious than it actually was, just because it was my first time doing this stuff. And I really have fallen for him of late...But yes, there are no ill feelings on either side, which is something. I'm just sort of fed up of the whole wanting to cry at random intervals and feeling lonely and missing him and so on, but I guess that's part of the break up process. Still sucks, though.

Thanks for the advice and kind words, I appreciate it.

Reply 3

llys

17

Yeah, I agree - just decide that it's over (switch gear mentally) and do not worry about the why and how. That's done now and worrying doesn't change anything. It'll still hurt, but in a few weeks you should be doing ok.

Reply 4

Studentus-anonymous

12

Original post by Anonymous

You're right that it wasn't that serious...But I guess to me it seems like it was more serious than it actually was, just because it was my first time doing this stuff. And I really have fallen for him of late...But yes, there are no ill feelings on either side, which is something. I'm just sort of fed up of the whole wanting to cry at random intervals and feeling lonely and missing him and so on, but I guess that's part of the break up process. Still sucks, though.

Thanks for the advice and kind words, I appreciate it.

No worries, tbf you seem to have a better handle on it than a lot of people after one of their early relationships.

Reply 5

Zarek

21

Sorry to hear this. It is quite incomprehensible, and distressing, the way love can change. I had a similar experience in my first relationship. You seem to handling it much better than I did, mind. The only cure is time and new love. I would consider moving out at the next opportunity too.

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by llys

Yeah, I agree - just decide that it's over (switch gear mentally) and do not worry about the why and how. That's done now and worrying doesn't change anything. It'll still hurt, but in a few weeks you should be doing ok.

It's been a bit of a struggle to switch gear mentally so far- but it only happened at the weekend, so I guess it will take longer. I hope it'll be better in a few weeks; thanks for your thoughts.

Original post by Zarek

Sorry to hear this. It is quite incomprehensible, and distressing, the way love can change. I had a similar experience in my first relationship. You seem to handling it much better than I did, mind. The only cure is time and new love. I would consider moving out at the next opportunity too.

Isn't it? I keep thinking, "but how can his feelings have changed so much?" And then I realise that my feelings also changed (though in the 'opposite' direction) so I guess it can happen. I'm not sure if I am handling it well- to be honest, I've never felt so awful. And I'm still at the stage where the thought of being with anyone else just seems repulsive to me...I hope that will change.

I'm not sure if moving out is really an option, unfortunately. I love the house I'm in, and it's the cheapest accommodation on offer so I can't really afford to pay more. Plus part of me thinks that I can be okay without moving out- but then I start thinking about how much I miss him and want to be with him and it all seems a bit much...And now I'm crying again! Haha.

Oh, god. I really do hope this gets better with time. Thanks for your advice, though.

Unexpected Break Up - Ex is Housemate

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