I have been in an on/off tempestuous relationship for 4 years. The reason it is a rocky relationship is due to his anger, although he blames me for making him angry, and I have to admit sometimes I do think its my fault. He has a tendency to shout, although he says he is simply 'raising his voice', and he does this to his parents and me.
It is things like, if I get a crumb on the floor, don't wear the clothes he likes, don't put something in the bin or drawer the minute I'm finished with it...he goes crazy and starts shouting at me, telling me that 'he shouldn't have to tell me twice' he will regularly swear at me in public, and tell me off if I do something 'wrong'. I have never had real relationship except him and I honestly believe that I am irritating and would get on anyones nerve. But then it changed, and he started to call me fat and make comments about my body, giving me looks like I am something truly repulsive. I am a small size 10, but he would say that my legs were huge like a ham and that my love handles were horrible.
When I was doing my third year dissertation this year, I distanced myself from him and didn't go visit him (he lives 2.5 hours away and doesn't visit me). During this time he would keep messaging me asking me to go over. He said things like 'no girl is worth what you are' and 'I don't care what you have done. I want you to come see me'. I ignored it until lonliness got the better of me. I don't have many friends and now uni is over I have just been stuck in my house with a suffocating family.
I went back to see , and I'm ashamed to say that I was needy for intimacy and I thought he could give it to me, but he is worse than he ever was. Although he appears nice to me when his friends are there, in private its a different story. He never hugs me, holds my hand, kisses me, or says that he loves me. I feel something I have never felt before, which is neglect in affection. He withholds sex, but would gleefully tell me about his masturbatory sessions. When we did once have sex, he would not kiss me or even acknowledge me, and when I said 'I love you' in the heat of the moment, he made me feel terrible and embarrassed about it the next morning, I have never felt so ashamed. We would watch tv and he would say 'why don't you look like her?' I feel like if I became thin and hot, I would have a boyfriend who gave me affection and wanted to be with me. Even though my brain tells me that average looking girls can get love just as much as pretty ones, there is something inside me that tells me that maybe I am just not deserving of a mans love, like I am nothing.
If I left again, I know he would message me and I would end up going back. Or I would become so lonely and go back anyway, as being virtually friendless has caused me to think its better to be in an unhappy relationship that just be alone. Does anyone have any advice, or is there anyone I can talk to who has experienced something similar