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Open Relationships - Would you have one?
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Because I don't want to share my man?
Original post by BunnyMisery246
How does it work for you superwolf? Did you start off in one or did it become open? How do you both deal with jealously issues?
To be honest it started off more as friends with benefits than a full-on relationship, and it was me who was adamant from the start that I would retain the right to sleep with who I liked, when I liked (to an extent - as we developed into an actual relationship I started to take my partner's feelings more into account, and if he outright said he didn't want me to sleep with someone then I wouldn't).
I seem to be more or less impervious to jealousy, so that's not much of an issue for me. I think my partner does get a little jealous sometimes, but I guess that's just something he has to deal with, along with my messiness and caffeine fixation.
No relationship's ever going to be perfect, so I don't feel that in our case jealousy is a major issue. 
Things that are ultra-important in an open relationship:
- trusting each other and staying faithful within the prearranged boundaries (e.g. checking with your partner before arranging a date with someone else, or not doing certain things with other people [I decided as a sort of 'present' to my partner that I'd kiss him and no-one else, something I've absolutely stuck to])
- being very open about what you're putting into and getting out of the relationship
- safe sex and regular STI checks!
- have fun! If all this turns more into a chore and an encumbrance than something to enjoy, then it's time to rethink your priorities.
Original post by BunnyMisery246
Thanks for this that has really helped me, I think i'm going to have a serious word with him over the weekend, let him know where I stand because I know for a fact it's not something I want, not now not ever.
Good, you go go girl. Don't let him dictate the conditions to your relationship. The sign of a poor partner is someone who doesn't note the feelings of the other and acts selfishly. You need to tell him what your needs are to be happy in the relationship.
It's worth noting that I tried to come to an agreement with him about the boundaries of the open relationship and he couldn't even do that - i.e not seeing anyone more than twice etc. While I was on holiday he moved a girl into his house and declared he loved both of us when I got back.
That was the final straw to be honest. Thing is, you can have rules, but humans are emotional creatures and people often say "**** the rules" when the mood takes them. Inviting people into your relationship is inviting a lot of unpredictability as you never know how your partner is going to feel about every new sexual partner. It drove me to ongoing, knife edge paranoia and poor self esteem.
(edited 9 years ago)
Don't you get jealous when he's on dates with other girls superwolf? I just don't think I could handle it tbh.
Original post by BunnyMisery246
Don't you get jealous when he's on dates with other girls superwolf? I just don't think I could handle it tbh.
Nope, not in the slightest.
I know we love each other, I know he's got no intention of leaving me, and I know I've got plenty of opportunities to go have fun with other people too! 
I'm a woman who has been in open relationships in the past. My suggestion is, read up on the topic - more people than it may initially seem are in poly/open set ups and find it very fulfilling. There are many configurations and no standardised template.
Poly didn't work out for me, although I would say that many of my pals love it. I'm glad I tried it (I believe experimentation and testing things out to be helpful for me), but when the man of my dreams finally came along, and told me I'd only get him if it was on a mono basis, it was like I'd won the lottery. I'm now in a relationship which is infinitely more fulfilling than the open ones I was in.
Never, ever allow anyone to pressure you into doing something that doesn't feel right for you. Even if it means parting ways with them. Open relationships are in the media a lot at the mo and increasing numbers of people are debating the subject. You'll hear a *lot* of people say 'monogamy is unnatural'. If your persuasion is mono, and you know it in your heart, then ignore them. If open/poly works for others, good for them. If you're mono, good for you.
It's great to question one's beliefs and attitudes, and try things where appropriate. But please, a word of caution from an older person who's been there - stand your ground and don't let anyone coerce you at any point. You seem headstrong and like you know what you will and won't do. Please always maintain that strength because it will stand you in good stead. I've seen too many people get pressured into trying poly out of fear over losing their partner, and would urge you to look after yourself. I hope you feel better soon and that you both find happiness in whatever ways are right for you.x
Poly didn't work out for me, although I would say that many of my pals love it. I'm glad I tried it (I believe experimentation and testing things out to be helpful for me), but when the man of my dreams finally came along, and told me I'd only get him if it was on a mono basis, it was like I'd won the lottery. I'm now in a relationship which is infinitely more fulfilling than the open ones I was in.
Never, ever allow anyone to pressure you into doing something that doesn't feel right for you. Even if it means parting ways with them. Open relationships are in the media a lot at the mo and increasing numbers of people are debating the subject. You'll hear a *lot* of people say 'monogamy is unnatural'. If your persuasion is mono, and you know it in your heart, then ignore them. If open/poly works for others, good for them. If you're mono, good for you.
It's great to question one's beliefs and attitudes, and try things where appropriate. But please, a word of caution from an older person who's been there - stand your ground and don't let anyone coerce you at any point. You seem headstrong and like you know what you will and won't do. Please always maintain that strength because it will stand you in good stead. I've seen too many people get pressured into trying poly out of fear over losing their partner, and would urge you to look after yourself. I hope you feel better soon and that you both find happiness in whatever ways are right for you.x
Original post by superwolf
Nope, not in the slightest. I know we love each other, I know he's got no intention of leaving me, and I know I've got plenty of opportunities to go have fun with other people too!
I know we love each other, I know he's got no intention of leaving me, and I know I've got plenty of opportunities to go have fun with other people too! That's fair enough, the difference here though is you're both happy to be in an open relationship, if I was to get into an open relationship with my boyfriend the only one who'll be happy is him, even if i'm with other guys i'd still be really jealous about him being with other girls and can't see it working out long term for me.
Original post by superwolf
I'm in an open relationship and it's fantastic. However I suspect your boyfriend is a bit of an arse. 
Open relationships take a lot of work, understanding and mutual agreement. They're not something to enter into just because you're bored! I think you're quite right to be wary of his intentions, and I'd think carefully about what's important to you, and to him. Could be your interests are no longer compatible.
If you have any questions about being in an open relationship then go ahead.
Open relationships take a lot of work, understanding and mutual agreement. They're not something to enter into just because you're bored! I think you're quite right to be wary of his intentions, and I'd think carefully about what's important to you, and to him. Could be your interests are no longer compatible.If you have any questions about being in an open relationship then go ahead.
Excellent advice.
Original post by BunnyMisery246
That's fair enough, the difference here though is you're both happy to be in an open relationship, if I was to get into an open relationship with my boyfriend the only one who'll be happy is him, even if i'm with other guys i'd still be really jealous about him being with other girls and can't see it working out long term for me.
Then I guess the only question is if he'd still be happy remaining in a closed relationship with you.
If not, then if you stayed together then it'd be unfair on one of you one way or the other.
Original post by BunnyMisery246
So my boyfriend of two years asked me earlier what my thoughts on open relationships are, I told him I wouldn't want one now he's trying to convince me to have one, he thinks it will add more excitement to our realationship. What are your views on open relationships? If your partner asked you for one would you agree to it? I'm very confused right now and not sure what to do.
What are your views on open relationships? If your partner asked you for one would you agree to it? I'm very confused right now and not sure what to do."I care about you so much I want to put my dick in other women. It'll be fun. Guaranteed."
Why are you still with this guy?! First step is this, next step is cheating and the excuse will be "it's just sex". Ditch him.
Babe, I wouldn't personally want to have an open relationship. But if at 2 years he already wants an open relationship, he is not satisfied. I see an open relationship for people who aren't sure they want to be in a relationship so 'test the waters' or for a middle aged couple who want to spice up their sex lives.
If you are having seconds thoughts and do want to try it, ask him what his definition of an open relationship is and what is ok and not ok to get a full perspective rather than being pressured into it because you want to 'save your relationship'.
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If you are having seconds thoughts and do want to try it, ask him what his definition of an open relationship is and what is ok and not ok to get a full perspective rather than being pressured into it because you want to 'save your relationship'.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by BunnyMisery246
So my boyfriend of two years asked me earlier what my thoughts on open relationships are, I told him I wouldn't want one now he's trying to convince me to have one, he thinks it will add more excitement to our realationship. What are your views on open relationships? If your partner asked you for one would you agree to it? I'm very confused right now and not sure what to do.
What are your views on open relationships? If your partner asked you for one would you agree to it? I'm very confused right now and not sure what to do.If he asked you at the start of the relationship I would understand but two years in seriously???? If you want to stay with him it seems like he might be bored so try changing your usual dynamic and do things you wouldn't normally do... Keep him on his feet! Either in the bedroom or take spontaneous trips i don't know. After two years of being in a monogamous relationship I would confront him about if he really wants to stay with you
Original post by geoking
"I care about you so much I want to put my dick in other women. It'll be fun. Guaranteed."
.
.
You know that's exactly what I keep thinking when I go through it in my head.
Original post by BunnyMisery246
So my boyfriend of two years asked me earlier what my thoughts on open relationships are, I told him I wouldn't want one now he's trying to convince me to have one, he thinks it will add more excitement to our realationship. What are your views on open relationships? If your partner asked you for one would you agree to it? I'm very confused right now and not sure what to do.
What are your views on open relationships? If your partner asked you for one would you agree to it? I'm very confused right now and not sure what to do.No breakup and move on or stay as you are - when people want something open they're usually discontent with what they have.
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Original post by narusku
No breakup and move on or stay as you are - when people want something open they're usually discontent with what they have.
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Posted from TSR Mobile
That's what I fear, that he's no longer satisfied with being with just me. It's really sad because I love him but I know deep down I won't be able to handle an open relationship. I read only 5% of relationships are open so to be in that 5% is pretty sad for me.
Original post by BunnyMisery246
You know that's exactly what I keep thinking when I go through it in my head.
This has been going on since September. Just end it, you're dragging it out for no point.
Yes, no problem at all.
It erases the potential of 'cheating' in many occasions and avoid arguments that way.
It makes your partner less horny in case you have a weaker sex drive; if makes you less horny in case you have a stronger sex drive.
It focuses more on love, the romance, the support, and the relationship instead of focusing on superficial things like controlling sexual behaviour.
I'd also like to add that sleeping with someone is very different from 'seeing' them. You have sex with someone if you sleep with them, you go on a romantic date with a dinner, a film, and a nice walk along the coast at night with flowers and stuff if you're seeing them. With the latter, you may not even have sex with that person. They are very different and in an open relationship you should be able to negotiate where the boundaries are; even regarding the sleeping bit you can say 'no kissing' or 'no repeats', or anything like that.
Though personally I don't think it makes the relationship more 'exciting'. If you have sex with someone else together as a couple then perhaps; if he's referring to having more things to talk about/share, then perhaps. But it per se I don't think is 'exciting'.
Restricting sexual behaviour is no different from restricting someone from going out with other friends. It's just controlling, a lack of confidence in yourself (unless you're just controlling), or a lack of faith in the relationship. If you care about happiness and love, you shouldn't fear that your partner is going to leave you for someone just because s/he slept with someone else. If anything, there's less chance that your partner would leave you for someone else (doesn't mean you can't break up for other reasons) since being with you doesn't restrict their options in sex. If you really want to discourage sex with anyone else but you, you should have sex with him more and spice up the sex life so they won't feel the need to sleep with anyone else.
It erases the potential of 'cheating' in many occasions and avoid arguments that way.
It makes your partner less horny in case you have a weaker sex drive; if makes you less horny in case you have a stronger sex drive.
It focuses more on love, the romance, the support, and the relationship instead of focusing on superficial things like controlling sexual behaviour.
I'd also like to add that sleeping with someone is very different from 'seeing' them. You have sex with someone if you sleep with them, you go on a romantic date with a dinner, a film, and a nice walk along the coast at night with flowers and stuff if you're seeing them. With the latter, you may not even have sex with that person. They are very different and in an open relationship you should be able to negotiate where the boundaries are; even regarding the sleeping bit you can say 'no kissing' or 'no repeats', or anything like that.
Though personally I don't think it makes the relationship more 'exciting'. If you have sex with someone else together as a couple then perhaps; if he's referring to having more things to talk about/share, then perhaps. But it per se I don't think is 'exciting'.
Restricting sexual behaviour is no different from restricting someone from going out with other friends. It's just controlling, a lack of confidence in yourself (unless you're just controlling), or a lack of faith in the relationship. If you care about happiness and love, you shouldn't fear that your partner is going to leave you for someone just because s/he slept with someone else. If anything, there's less chance that your partner would leave you for someone else (doesn't mean you can't break up for other reasons) since being with you doesn't restrict their options in sex. If you really want to discourage sex with anyone else but you, you should have sex with him more and spice up the sex life so they won't feel the need to sleep with anyone else.
You're right I keep telling myself it will go away but then another "idea" pops up in his head, and it always involves wanting to add other people to our relationship, I just don't get why he wants to be with other people when I give him all the love and attention in the world. 
Related discussions
- Open relationships
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- I feel uneasy about my boyfriend’s female best friend
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