Got a boyfriend and I'm having a sleepover (with my guy friend)
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Original post by 3309will
I've read all of these comments with great interest.
What has society come to.
What has society come to.
What society are you referring to?
What amazes me is how discrete different aspects of our "society" are.
On the one hand we have people brought up with the mores of the Indian sub continent, or those from an Islamic tradition who seek to separate the sexes before marriage, and/or choose marriage partners. Sex before marriage is forbidden. In some cases the cover themselves up so only their eyes are visible to prevent men from having lustful thoughts.
On the other we have someone who is seriously contemplating sleeping with a male who is not her partner. Not having sex necessarily, but sleeping.
In what case is there one society for anything to come to? There isn't: just a lot of relativism and subjective morality.
Responding to the OP's question, it really isn't complicated. If her boyfriend is very upset about this (and he is) she needs to make a choice. What is more important to her, his feelings, and her respect for him, or her desire to do as she chooses?
Concomitant with that is the seriousness and depth of the relationship. If this is a casual relationship, which she doesn't really mind seeing imperilled, then the selfish course might be the one to follow.
No-one in a serious relationship would do this against their partner's wishes. If he agrees that is another matter.
It lacks consideration and respect and those are what a deep and committed relationship are founded on.
Some really good arguments on the liberal side so far:
What has society come to.
red herring
That is not how mature relationships work
moving the goalposts fallacy
Real men trust and respect you enough
straw-man
I wonder what the average age of this thread is
ad hominem
I'm really glad there's people still left on this site that aren't bitter towards women/humanity
straw-man
Why are you guys/girls so jealous? It's such an ugly trait
ad hominem & loaded question
red herring
That is not how mature relationships work
moving the goalposts fallacy
Real men trust and respect you enough
straw-man
I wonder what the average age of this thread is
ad hominem
I'm really glad there's people still left on this site that aren't bitter towards women/humanity
straw-man
Why are you guys/girls so jealous? It's such an ugly trait
ad hominem & loaded question
(edited 9 years ago)
Original post by xylas
Some really good arguments on the liberal side so far:
Not an argument
Original post by chocolate hottie
What society are you referring to?
What amazes me is how discrete different aspects of our "society" are.
On the one hand we have people brought up with the mores of the Indian sub continent, or those from an Islamic tradition who seek to separate the sexes before marriage, and/or choose marriage partners. Sex before marriage is forbidden. In some cases the cover themselves up so only their eyes are visible to prevent men from having lustful thoughts.
On the other we have someone who is seriously contemplating sleeping with a male who is not her partner. Not having sex necessarily, but sleeping.
In what case is there one society for anything to come to? There isn't: just a lot of relativism and subjective morality.
Responding to the OP's question, it really isn't complicated. If her boyfriend is very upset about this (and he is) she needs to make a choice. What is more important to her, his feelings, and her respect for him, or her desire to do as she chooses?
Concomitant with that is the seriousness and depth of the relationship. If this is a casual relationship, which she doesn't really mind seeing imperilled, then the selfish course might be the one to follow.
No-one in a serious relationship would do this against their partner's wishes. If he agrees that is another matter.
It lacks consideration and respect and those are what a deep and committed relationship are founded on.
What amazes me is how discrete different aspects of our "society" are.
On the one hand we have people brought up with the mores of the Indian sub continent, or those from an Islamic tradition who seek to separate the sexes before marriage, and/or choose marriage partners. Sex before marriage is forbidden. In some cases the cover themselves up so only their eyes are visible to prevent men from having lustful thoughts.
On the other we have someone who is seriously contemplating sleeping with a male who is not her partner. Not having sex necessarily, but sleeping.
In what case is there one society for anything to come to? There isn't: just a lot of relativism and subjective morality.
Responding to the OP's question, it really isn't complicated. If her boyfriend is very upset about this (and he is) she needs to make a choice. What is more important to her, his feelings, and her respect for him, or her desire to do as she chooses?
Concomitant with that is the seriousness and depth of the relationship. If this is a casual relationship, which she doesn't really mind seeing imperilled, then the selfish course might be the one to follow.
No-one in a serious relationship would do this against their partner's wishes. If he agrees that is another matter.
It lacks consideration and respect and those are what a deep and committed relationship are founded on.
If I'd wanted such a critique of what I'd said I'd have taken a BA in Philosophy or the like, however I was referring to the culture here on this website, and the mentality of the majority of people that have taken the time out to reply to this thread.
I think it is a rather sad state of affairs when as soon as a male and a female are friends, people instantly jump to the conclusion that said male is going to try and sleep with said female. We live in a world where I would hope that this isn't necessarily the case 100% of the time.
Maybe I come from a rather sheltered background, but I would hope that friends -- emphasis on the word friends -- would have more respect for each other than that. On the other hand, maybe that is me clinging onto what naïvety I have left.
Original post by 3309will
If I'd wanted such a critique of what I'd said I'd have taken a BA in Philosophy or the like, however I was referring to the culture here on this website, and the mentality of the majority of people that have taken the time out to reply to this thread.
I think it is a rather sad state of affairs when as soon as a male and a female are friends, people instantly jump to the conclusion that said male is going to try and sleep with said female. We live in a world where I would hope that this isn't necessarily the case 100% of the time.
Maybe I come from a rather sheltered background, but I would hope that friends -- emphasis on the word friends -- would have more respect for each other than that. On the other hand, maybe that is me clinging onto what naïvety I have left.
I think it is a rather sad state of affairs when as soon as a male and a female are friends, people instantly jump to the conclusion that said male is going to try and sleep with said female. We live in a world where I would hope that this isn't necessarily the case 100% of the time.
Maybe I come from a rather sheltered background, but I would hope that friends -- emphasis on the word friends -- would have more respect for each other than that. On the other hand, maybe that is me clinging onto what naïvety I have left.
Didn't you know???? ALL men think with their penis...they can only view females as sexual conquests of which they must succeed!
It's ridiculous. A mature relationship wouldn't display these levels of jealousy or mistrust. And not all men want to sleep with all women. Some genuinely are just friends and the thought of sex with that person is revolting. I have many male friends who I love as friends but the thought of sex with them.....well let's just say I'd rather hump a cheese grater.
Equally I have male friends who'd stick their penis is an electric pencil Sharpener than entertain the thought of sleeping with me.
The common theme here....we're none-sexual entities to each other.
Original post by macromicro
If you go for sleepovers with one single man, just the two of you, for a planned sleepover, then you are displaying very little respect for your relationship and your boyfriend's masculinity, and that will be the downfall of you both.
If the male friend was a close friend of mine and we were all part of the same friendship group then it would perhaps be different, but that isn't the case here from what the OP has said, and even then things can, and often do, turn sour.
If the male friend was a close friend of mine and we were all part of the same friendship group then it would perhaps be different, but that isn't the case here from what the OP has said, and even then things can, and often do, turn sour.
Well I do that fairly regularly when I go for drinks with a friend and he is busy and we've lasted 3 years so far and live together....
Original post by SnooFnoo
Not an argument
Not an argument either, what's your point?
Original post by macromicro
It's impossible to draw parallels without the details and nuances of how everyone knows each other, what the sleeping arrangements are, what the plan for the night is, etc. It's very different going for drinks and crashing at someone's place on the sofa when you're all in the same friendship group as you seem to have implied, rather than specifically inviting a man round your house for a sleepover. The OP has also not provided sufficient detail but her example already sounds very different to your own.
Three years is absolutely nothing.
Three years is absolutely nothing.
She clearly said it was so he didn't have to get the train back. He's coming over, they'll probably have a drink and watch some tv/a film and eat and then he'll stay.
I don't see what the big deal is, it's perfectly normal behavior.
Also no my boyfriend is not in the same friendship group as these guys however obviously 3 years into our relationship he knows them. Of course it was different at the start but he has never had a problem with it.
He appreciates that I can stay at male friends/vice versa without banging them...
Original post by Tpx
I haven't been on this site properly for about a year or so. It must have been taken over by the Saudi Arabian morality police in that time.
If the Saudi Arabian morality police hate muslims, then yes, you would be correct.
Original post by jakeel1
I would dump you immediately. Anyone who even thinks this is a good idea is nuts.
In a serious, committed relationship there should be enough trust, so WHO CARES?!
I occasionally visit my best friend (a girl) who lives far away, and I naturally sleep there (in her room). Heck, we've even slept in the same bed, in a hotel that didn't have twin rooms. She's got a boyfriend and he's mature enough to not care, because he knows, she knows, and I know that there's nothing between us.
(edited 9 years ago)
Original post by macromicro
No she didn't. Are you in the right thread?!
That could already be very different to the OP's example - it sounds like the boyfriend does not know the man at all. And as I keep saying, it's not just about trusting your girlfriend not to do anything, it's also about trusting the man not to try anything and for "mistakes" not to occur which often do in these situations where a man and a woman are drinking at their house and sleeping over. It doesn't matter how much you trust someone, these things can occur. And lastly, it's about respect for your partner and your relationship. By all means socialise with whomever you want, but there is absolutely no need for the intimacy of a planned sleepover with one man, hence everyone's surprise that the OP is not much younger. My girlfriend often goes got coffee and drinks and plays sport with her male friends, and I often do the same with my female friends, but I don't invite one over for a one-to-one sleepover. I would be happy for them to crash on my sofa after a night out or if they nowhere to stay - that's what friends do - but that is completely different to the OP's example.
That could already be very different to the OP's example - it sounds like the boyfriend does not know the man at all. And as I keep saying, it's not just about trusting your girlfriend not to do anything, it's also about trusting the man not to try anything and for "mistakes" not to occur which often do in these situations where a man and a woman are drinking at their house and sleeping over. It doesn't matter how much you trust someone, these things can occur. And lastly, it's about respect for your partner and your relationship. By all means socialise with whomever you want, but there is absolutely no need for the intimacy of a planned sleepover with one man, hence everyone's surprise that the OP is not much younger. My girlfriend often goes got coffee and drinks and plays sport with her male friends, and I often do the same with my female friends, but I don't invite one over for a one-to-one sleepover. I would be happy for them to crash on my sofa after a night out or if they nowhere to stay - that's what friends do - but that is completely different to the OP's example.
Ok let me put it this way for you - when me and my boyfriend first started going out I stayed at male friends houses that he didn't know and had them to stay at mine.
Everything was fine.
He's not sleeping in her bed for gods sake...
Original post by icup12
What do you think of this?
What are your thoughts and opinions on this?
Is it okay?
What about if it's vice versa?
I'm 19 and he's 20 and I told him I'm having a sleepover with a guy and he was pissed. He's just a friend - nothing more. What can I do?
What are your thoughts and opinions on this?
Is it okay?
What about if it's vice versa?
I'm 19 and he's 20 and I told him I'm having a sleepover with a guy and he was pissed. He's just a friend - nothing more. What can I do?
Sleeping over with another guy when you're in a relationship is a pretty rookie mistake, but you ARE a rookie only being 19 and all.
Relationships come with responsibilities as much as benefits. For the security and fidelity of a single guy you have to give up a few little things, like freedom to 'sleepover' with other guys.
Best of luck with what remains of your current relationship, it shouldn't be too long.
Original post by macromicro
More to the point, the lack of trust is rarely with the girlfriend and entirely with the male friend.
More to the point, the lack of trust is rarely with the girlfriend and entirely with the male friend.
So you worry that the friend will rape your gf?
Original post by redferry
You two are in wonderfully successful relationships then I take it?
Yes. My sentiments also appear to have wide support.
To be honest I really dont see the big deal it's not like your doin anything behind his back, I youre just mates I don't see why he's getting so arsey, if my gf wanted to have a sleep over with her best mate who she's known longer than me I wouldn't say anything because I trust her
Original post by macromicro
It's not just about trust. Do you understand what respect is? Or masculinity? You are undermining both.
Real males are proud animals - in another lifetime we were hunters of dangerous game and guardians of our community. We thrive on leadership and taking care of close ones. We hold respect and courage above all other virtues. We will die ourselves lest our women and children be harmed.
And your reply to this is: "kk cool, can I go spend the night with another man?"
Real males are proud animals - in another lifetime we were hunters of dangerous game and guardians of our community. We thrive on leadership and taking care of close ones. We hold respect and courage above all other virtues. We will die ourselves lest our women and children be harmed.
And your reply to this is: "kk cool, can I go spend the night with another man?"
Any guy who calls themself a proud animal deserve a punch in the face haha
Original post by icup12
What do you think of this?
What are your thoughts and opinions on this?
Is it okay?
What about if it's vice versa?
I'm 19 and he's 20 and I told him I'm having a sleepover with a guy and he was pissed. He's just a friend - nothing more. What can I do?
What are your thoughts and opinions on this?
Is it okay?
What about if it's vice versa?
I'm 19 and he's 20 and I told him I'm having a sleepover with a guy and he was pissed. He's just a friend - nothing more. What can I do?
I can't quite believe the amount of people saying that you are in the wrong here and your boyfriend is right to be pissed off.
One simple question for you:
Are you planning on shagging your friend?
If the answer is yes then you're a horrible person.
If the answer is no then there is absolutely nothing wrong with it and your boyfriend is being completely and utterly pathetic about the whole thing and needs to get a ****ing grip.
Original post by 3309will
What has society come to.
Mutual respect. It's a pretty simple and well-known boundary that in monogamous relationships you don't run off for one-on-one nights with other guys/girls.
I know you're trying to appear all cool and 'no ****s given' and 'enlightened' but as someone who has absolutely no issue with guy friends or guys hitting on my g/f, it's just sloppy form, a poor show and a rookie mistake. There are some of her guy friends I have no issue with, but I am not comfortable with sleepovers. My girlfriend knows this. I don't 'sleepover' at my female friend's places, she doesn't sleepover with her guy mates. If there is something 'dodgey' coming up we actually talk to each other and if it is seen to create too much discomfort usually it's nixed because we consider each other. At the least it helps to be consulted on these sort of things. It's called mutual respect and it works wonders.
It's about putting yourself in your partner's shoes. How would they feel if I decided to run off to have a 'sleepover' with one of my girl mates?
Yes people are allowed to have friends, but even open relationships tend to come with some basic ground rules, and monogamous relationships are strictly and broadly governed.
This tends to not be such a big issue for adults because we tend to be aware that it's inappropriate for sleep-overs, 'stay-overs' or whatever you want to call it where one partner spends a whole day and/or night alone with a member of the opposite sex.
If your partner is fine with it then maybe, but if your partner is uncomfortable you have a responsibility of respect to reconsider.
After all if you can do what you want regardless of their feelings then they are equally then 'justified' in ignoring yours and doing things you don't like.
Eye for an eye and the whole world's blind, etc.
I can forgive the OP for not knowing better, she's 19 and doesn't 'get it' yet. Chances are her current relationship is hardly destined for happy ever after. But still. Considering your partner in your decisions that effect both of you is a basic adult skill which she needs to pick up sooner rather than later.
This goes for the rest of you who seem to think that a healthy relationship = YOU get to do what you want, when you want to do it regardless of the feelings of your partner.
You are free to do as you wish, it just means they're free to see you as the inconsiderate idiot you are and dump you.
I'm sorry but that is a bad idea.
However much he trusts you he will forever be thinking 'why is she having a guy to sleepover, why not her friends who are a girl?'
This is such a bad idea on so many levels. Going to grab a coffee or a bite to eat with someone of the opposite gender sure, but a sleepover? Hell no.
However much he trusts you he will forever be thinking 'why is she having a guy to sleepover, why not her friends who are a girl?'
This is such a bad idea on so many levels. Going to grab a coffee or a bite to eat with someone of the opposite gender sure, but a sleepover? Hell no.
Original post by macromicro
I don't think you know what trust means.
I don't think you know the difference between cheating and just sleeping in the same room together.
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