mental health and my girlfriend - is this normal?
I've been with my girlfriend for 7 years and throughout our whole relationship I've had mental health problems (schizophrenia, anxiety, and occasionally depression). I know I'm often not fun to be around but I want to know if my girlfriend's reaction is normal or not.
We live together and I understand that it can be hard to live with someone with mental health problems. It's like she no longer sympathises with me at all, I get that it's been a long time but is that normal? I can be crying my eyes out on the sofa blasting music through headphones trying to block out the voices and she will totally ignore me. I keep asking her to talk to me as one of the best things I've found to block them out is having a conversation with someone but she never initiates it and seems annoyed when I try to talk to her - because of this I've mostly given up trying to talk and will probably damage my hearing with the loud music.
Yesterday they were being extremely aggressive so I told her. She was on the computer and asked "what I want her to do about it", I told her I want a cuddle in bed but she was too busy. She also wouldn't let me go lie in bed because she didn't trust me so I just lay on the sofa crying again with the music.
I know it's been a long time, but I've always been honest with her, she knew what she was getting into. But do you think this is a normal reaction over the years? I just want a cuddle, even a hug and a conversation, some kind of support because I find things really hard to deal with on my own.
And yes, I am on medication. And yes, I am seeing my psychiatrist to discuss medication increase/changes soon.
Mods: this is about my relationship rather than asking for mental health advice so I think this is the right section.
Sorry about the length. Any advice appreciated.
We live together and I understand that it can be hard to live with someone with mental health problems. It's like she no longer sympathises with me at all, I get that it's been a long time but is that normal? I can be crying my eyes out on the sofa blasting music through headphones trying to block out the voices and she will totally ignore me. I keep asking her to talk to me as one of the best things I've found to block them out is having a conversation with someone but she never initiates it and seems annoyed when I try to talk to her - because of this I've mostly given up trying to talk and will probably damage my hearing with the loud music.
Yesterday they were being extremely aggressive so I told her. She was on the computer and asked "what I want her to do about it", I told her I want a cuddle in bed but she was too busy. She also wouldn't let me go lie in bed because she didn't trust me so I just lay on the sofa crying again with the music.
I know it's been a long time, but I've always been honest with her, she knew what she was getting into. But do you think this is a normal reaction over the years? I just want a cuddle, even a hug and a conversation, some kind of support because I find things really hard to deal with on my own.
And yes, I am on medication. And yes, I am seeing my psychiatrist to discuss medication increase/changes soon.
Mods: this is about my relationship rather than asking for mental health advice so I think this is the right section.
Sorry about the length. Any advice appreciated.
Original post by Anonymous
She also wouldn't let me go lie in bed because she didn't trust me .
wut? She didn't want you to sleep with her? or didn't want you going to the bed on your own?
Because she didn't trust you? trust you to do what? lol
Original post by ChickenMadness
wut? She didn't want you to sleep with her? or didn't want you going to the bed on your own?
Because she didn't trust you? trust you to do what? lol
Because she didn't trust you? trust you to do what? lol
I have, in the past, hurt myself on the orders of the voices (although I haven't done this in a few years). She made me lie on the sofa in the same room as her.
Original post by Anonymous
I have, in the past, hurt myself on the orders of the voices (although I haven't done this in a few years). She made me lie on the sofa in the same room as her.
ye its kind of understandable that she can't really look after you 24/7 and go to bed with you when she's busy. What was she doing? was it important?
Original post by ChickenMadness
ye its kind of understandable that she can't really look after you 24/7 and go to bed with you when she's busy. What was she doing? was it important?
It's not really 24/7, I would understand that a lot more. Maybe 3 or 4 times a week. All I want is a hug and a conversation (mainly the latter), the other week she did join me in bed but brought her phone and read the news. I try to talk, I don't really care what we talk about even, literally anything helps, but she doesn't. a 20 minute conversation can save me hours of torment.
I think she was doing uni work but I know she doesn't have any deadlines coming up.
Do you think I'm being selfish? Honestly?
Original post by Anonymous
It's not really 24/7, I would understand that a lot more. Maybe 3 or 4 times a week. All I want is a hug and a conversation (mainly the latter), the other week she did join me in bed but brought her phone and read the news. I try to talk, I don't really care what we talk about even, literally anything helps, but she doesn't. a 20 minute conversation can save me hours of torment.
I think she was doing uni work but I know she doesn't have any deadlines coming up.
Do you think I'm being selfish? Honestly?
I think she was doing uni work but I know she doesn't have any deadlines coming up.
Do you think I'm being selfish? Honestly?
have you specifically told her that you want a conversation? Why wasn't there any conversation when you were in bed? was she ignoring you when you were trying to talk? Did you try talking about the news on the phone with her?
I don't think you're selfish lol. I think she's trying to help but is making it less tiresome for herself by bringing her phone + carrying on with her work so she can hit two birds with one stone.
But ye have you explained this stuff to her clearly that you need a conversation to get rid of the voices?
Original post by ChickenMadness
have you specifically told her that you want a conversation? Why wasn't there any conversation when you were in bed? was she ignoring you when you were trying to talk? Did you try talking about the news on the phone with her?
I don't think you're selfish lol. I think she's trying to help but is making it less tiresome for herself by bringing her phone + carrying on with her work so she can hit two birds with one stone.
But ye have you explained this stuff to her clearly that you need a conversation to get rid of the voices?
I don't think you're selfish lol. I think she's trying to help but is making it less tiresome for herself by bringing her phone + carrying on with her work so she can hit two birds with one stone.
But ye have you explained this stuff to her clearly that you need a conversation to get rid of the voices?
I've told her a lot of times that conversation really helps me deal with them but she never initiates it and when I do try I get short answers. This is why I'm thinking she's just tired of dealing with me. When we first got together we could lie in bed and talk, or just sit on the sofa and have a conversation but, and I know her academic work has become more important as time has gone on but like I said 15/20 minutes would be greatly appreciated.
And yes,she was mostly ignoring me when she was on the phone.
Original post by Anonymous
I've told her a lot of times that conversation really helps me deal with them but she never initiates it and when I do try I get short answers. This is why I'm thinking she's just tired of dealing with me. When we first got together we could lie in bed and talk, or just sit on the sofa and have a conversation but, and I know her academic work has become more important as time has gone on but like I said 15/20 minutes would be greatly appreciated.
And yes,she was mostly ignoring me when she was on the phone.
And yes,she was mostly ignoring me when she was on the phone.
ye it does sound like she can't be arsed anymore. Doesn't take much effort to have a conversation, for example talking about the news on her phone.
She might even be planning on just staying with you for a convenient place to live until she's finished her studies and then at that point she'l leave. But I don't know your relationship.
Original post by ChickenMadness
She might even be planning on just staying with you for a convenient place to live until she's finished her studies and then at that point she'l leave. But I don't know your relationship.
That makes me feel much better.
Though she has more money and better prospects than me so maybe not?
Ain't a specialist but it seems she is tired of being tied down, maybe just have a talk with her and ask if her commitment is wearing thin
(edited 7 years ago)
The only way you're really going to find out what's going on with your gf is to confront her about it upfront. Posting on tsr about it likely isn't going to help or give any answers, it is probably just going to cause you to worry more about your situation
Ok OP, I understand that your illness is certainly hard and debilitating - but look at it from her point of view.
Caring is hard work, very hard. and its difficult to maintain that level of care for that level of intensity. If you are having three to four episodes a week then the issue here is not her its you. You need to look into how you can deal with this better. Because every other day is a clear sign your medication is not doing what it should. Id surmise seh simply doesnt know what to do anymore, possibly shes feeling trapped. 7 years is a long time.
So all in all (speaking as a carer) yes id say her reaction is completely normal. Do i think shes ready to leave? No, shes stuck with you for seven years (though people change from thier teens to twenties) which is a lot to give up. But she does need a break. you dont mention any support that SHE gets, is she dealing with this on her own? What about the rest of your family?
Caring is hard work, very hard. and its difficult to maintain that level of care for that level of intensity. If you are having three to four episodes a week then the issue here is not her its you. You need to look into how you can deal with this better. Because every other day is a clear sign your medication is not doing what it should. Id surmise seh simply doesnt know what to do anymore, possibly shes feeling trapped. 7 years is a long time.
So all in all (speaking as a carer) yes id say her reaction is completely normal. Do i think shes ready to leave? No, shes stuck with you for seven years (though people change from thier teens to twenties) which is a lot to give up. But she does need a break. you dont mention any support that SHE gets, is she dealing with this on her own? What about the rest of your family?
Original post by silverbolt
Ok OP, I understand that your illness is certainly hard and debilitating - but look at it from her point of view.
Caring is hard work, very hard. and its difficult to maintain that level of care for that level of intensity. If you are having three to four episodes a week then the issue here is not her its you. You need to look into how you can deal with this better. Because every other day is a clear sign your medication is not doing what it should. Id surmise seh simply doesnt know what to do anymore, possibly shes feeling trapped. 7 years is a long time.
So all in all (speaking as a carer) yes id say her reaction is completely normal. Do i think shes ready to leave? No, shes stuck with you for seven years (though people change from thier teens to twenties) which is a lot to give up. But she does need a break. you dont mention any support that SHE gets, is she dealing with this on her own? What about the rest of your family?
Caring is hard work, very hard. and its difficult to maintain that level of care for that level of intensity. If you are having three to four episodes a week then the issue here is not her its you. You need to look into how you can deal with this better. Because every other day is a clear sign your medication is not doing what it should. Id surmise seh simply doesnt know what to do anymore, possibly shes feeling trapped. 7 years is a long time.
So all in all (speaking as a carer) yes id say her reaction is completely normal. Do i think shes ready to leave? No, shes stuck with you for seven years (though people change from thier teens to twenties) which is a lot to give up. But she does need a break. you dont mention any support that SHE gets, is she dealing with this on her own? What about the rest of your family?
I have a psychiatrist appointment coming up and plan on talking about my medication then. I'm also in therapy trying to learn coping strategies though I often find it hard to implement what I've learned but I am trying.
My family lives in a different country to us and hers are pretty far away. She does speak on the phone a lot with her mum and grandparents and she has quite a few friends that she and I go out with a few times a week. Her mum is aware of my depression, but I think you're right that maybe my girlfriend feels alone because her family doesn't know the full picture and neither do her friends so she has no one to talk to.
Do you have any advice on what I could do to help her cope with things better? Or what I could do to help her get support herself?
Original post by Anonymous
I have a psychiatrist appointment coming up and plan on talking about my medication then. I'm also in therapy trying to learn coping strategies though I often find it hard to implement what I've learned but I am trying.
My family lives in a different country to us and hers are pretty far away. She does speak on the phone a lot with her mum and grandparents and she has quite a few friends that she and I go out with a few times a week. Her mum is aware of my depression, but I think you're right that maybe my girlfriend feels alone because her family doesn't know the full picture and neither do her friends so she has no one to talk to.
Do you have any advice on what I could do to help her cope with things better? Or what I could do to help her get support herself?
My family lives in a different country to us and hers are pretty far away. She does speak on the phone a lot with her mum and grandparents and she has quite a few friends that she and I go out with a few times a week. Her mum is aware of my depression, but I think you're right that maybe my girlfriend feels alone because her family doesn't know the full picture and neither do her friends so she has no one to talk to.
Do you have any advice on what I could do to help her cope with things better? Or what I could do to help her get support herself?
Firstly let her go out with her friends on her own. Part of being a couple is being apart. Give her a break for a few hours.
Id suggest that she needs counciling. Someone she can actually talk/vent to. Even an online support group.
Thirdly and this is on you - start managing yourself better. I dont mean that as a condescension. You cant cure yourself but you can control it better. Speak to your mental health professionals - for her sake but more importantly for your own.
You should talk to her.
I've struggled with my mental health (anorexia + anxiety) and if I have a bad day sometimes my boyfriend doesn't have the time to spend ages talking and cheering me up, or sometimes it's been a bad few weeks and he just doesn't have the energy left as it's been so hard for him. So there are valid reasons that sometimes you can't have the support you want when you want it.
That said, in a healthy relationship you would expect to support each other most of the times the other person needs it. There could be other reasons this isn't happening - maybe she feels you never support her (it's easy to get caught up in yourself when your mental health takes a nosedive), maybe she is just exhausted by always looking after you - or maybe she isn't as invested in the relationship anymore. Whatever the reason you're better off knowing about it so tell her how you're feeling and ask how she feels.
Just saw the above comments - you should also allow her to talk to family/friends about your problems, at least a couple of people. It must be very hard on her and having no one to talk to will make that 10x worse.
I've struggled with my mental health (anorexia + anxiety) and if I have a bad day sometimes my boyfriend doesn't have the time to spend ages talking and cheering me up, or sometimes it's been a bad few weeks and he just doesn't have the energy left as it's been so hard for him. So there are valid reasons that sometimes you can't have the support you want when you want it.
That said, in a healthy relationship you would expect to support each other most of the times the other person needs it. There could be other reasons this isn't happening - maybe she feels you never support her (it's easy to get caught up in yourself when your mental health takes a nosedive), maybe she is just exhausted by always looking after you - or maybe she isn't as invested in the relationship anymore. Whatever the reason you're better off knowing about it so tell her how you're feeling and ask how she feels.
Just saw the above comments - you should also allow her to talk to family/friends about your problems, at least a couple of people. It must be very hard on her and having no one to talk to will make that 10x worse.
(edited 7 years ago)
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