my girlfriend's social anxiety is driving me away from her

Anonymous #1

I know the title sound awful but it's true. I'm so sick and tired of having to do everything for her.
examples:

•

I always have to ask for her lunch meat at the deli counter

•

If we can't find something in a store I have to ask

•

if she needs to see a doctor I have to call and make the appointment

•

we don't live in the UK and recently got some medical bills for a procedure she had, she just got all angry with me because I wouldn't call to sort them out/pay - she swears she paid before hand but I don't remember so it's me having to argue with someone on the phone about something I know nothing about.

•

if we go out for fast food, I have to order

•

if we need to call the landlord or anyone I have to do it

I know this sounds petty but I'm strugglnig to overcome severe social anxiety/avoidant personality disorder myself so always getting pushed stresses me out a lot, I think about it for hours beforehand worrying and it makes my other MH issues worse. I also have a pretty bad lisp and an accent but she still insists in me doing everything.

It's making me angry and driving me away from her, I've tried telling her I don't want to do it but she gets all huffy until I do.

What can I do?

Reply 1

EmilyLouiseR

11

Maybe a but of tough love will help her realise that she needs to become a but more independent. It can't always be you. Mental health is hard one too play with. Just explain how much you care about her, but she needs to start doing things for herself, even if its one step at a time. For example next time you go out for food, say today you order and the next time ill order, take turns for a bit and see how she does. It sounds like eventually it will drive a wedge between you if it carries on and if you dont want that too happen then something will have to change. Hope this helps. Good Luck :smile:

x

Reply 2

Tiger Rag

22

Do you really want a relationship like this? I know I wouldn't.

Reply 3

gyalfrombrum

3

Dump her. Why are you making yourself suffer to fit her needs? You said you have social anxiety too so what makes her more of a priority than you? She shouldn't be angry at you for not doing her work for her. If she can be angry at you than she can be angry whoever messed up her medical bills.

Reply 4

yungaheartz

16

thats fine, you're perfectly right to feel the way you do. you're her boyfriend, not her carer. it gets annoying when they become totally dependant on us and expect us to do everything for them. never had a boyfriend like that but i did have a friend like that once and i have a brother like that too and it annoys me to tears when i'm always expected to do every damn thing for them. like seriously you're an adult, try and have some control over your life!

anyways i'd suggest sitting her down and explaining to her that its annoying you and can she please try getting some professional help like a social worker and befriended to do those things for her. otherwise tell her you will walk - and do so if she doesn't make any changes.

Reply 5

Feastful

16

If you always do these things for her, then how is her anxiety supposed to get any better?
It may be easier for her to avoid confronting these ordinary situations, but long term the avoidance will only make her anxiety issues worsen.

You don't have to do these things for her. Refuse (for your sake and hers).

Steer her in the direction of getting some professional help for her anxiety problems. If she refuses to help herself then you shouldn'
t help her getting stuff done. She needs to put in an effort to address her issues (instead of just using you to avoid confronting them).

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by gyalfrombrum

Dump her. Why are you making yourself suffer to fit her needs? You said you have social anxiety too so what makes her more of a priority than you? She shouldn't be angry at you for not doing her work for her. If she can be angry at you than she can be angry whoever messed up her medical bills.

That's the thing. Initially it started as "I want you to do this so you can work on your anxiety" and I thought yeah ok that seems reasonable. But now I can see she also clearly has social anxiety and she's gotten so used to me doing everything that she outright refuses, then shouts at me, when I don't do things. And then things don't get done. I don't want debt collecters coming round or to wander about a store for ages looking for something so I just do it. I don't know how to wean her off me doing everything.

I've tried asking her to get professional help but because her MH is way better than mine she tells me she doesn't need it and gets angry when I even suggest she talk to someone about her SA.

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by Feastful

If you always do these things for her, then how is her anxiety supposed to get any better?
It may be easier for her to avoid confronting these ordinary situations, but long term the avoidance will only make her anxiety issues worsen.

You don't have to do these things for her. Refuse (for your sake and hers).

Steer her in the direction of getting some professional help for her anxiety problems. If she refuses to help herself then you shouldn'
t help her getting stuff done. She needs to put in an effort to address her issues (instead of just using you to avoid confronting them).

She always makes out she's trying to help my issues by getting me to do everything and to start with I thought that was good. But as the years have passed I've noticed she's completely incapable of having basic conversations with anyone who isn't me, her few friends or her family.

I tried encouraging her to get professional help but she denies needing it and I can't push the issue without her taking offence and getting angry.

Reply 8

gyalfrombrum

3

Original post by Anonymous

That's the thing. Initially it started as "I want you to do this so you can work on your anxiety" and I thought yeah ok that seems reasonable. But now I can see she also clearly has social anxiety and she's gotten so used to me doing everything that she outright refuses, then shouts at me, when I don't do things. And then things don't get done. I don't want debt collecters coming round or to wander about a store for ages looking for something so I just do it. I don't know how to wean her off me doing everything.

I've tried asking her to get professional help but because her MH is way better than mine she tells me she doesn't need it and gets angry when I even suggest she talk to someone about her SA.

That's a sign to leave. Everyone has times where they're down and need support but it shouldn't be their personality. If she refuses to help herself then why should you waste your time and let her be a drain on your own mental health?

The only way out from what I can see is to get rid. Leave her or at least leave her until she sorts herself out. You can't be fully responsible for another grown adult who has the capability to be independent. It's not fair on you and it will mess you up in the long term.

(edited 6 years ago)

Reply 9

Assembly

15

Original post by gyalfrombrum

That's a sign to leave. Everyone has times where they're down and need support but it shouldn't be their personality. If she refuses to help herself then why should you waste your time and let her be a drain on your own mental health?

The only way out from what I can see is to get rid. Leave her or at least leave her until she sorts herself out. You can't be fully responsible for another grown adult who has the capability to be independent. It's not fair on you and it will mess you up in the long term.

This^. From what you've said OP, its gotten out of hand. You can't be responsible for her at the cost of your own mental health. She's an adult at the end of the day. You've shown effort by trying to get her out of her bubble, but you have failed - not becase its your own fault, but because she isn't willing to do any work and help herself. Whether you leave her or not is entirely up to you, but from what i've read - i'd advise you to leave her as it seems to be a one sided relationship where only her needs are considered and you're left in the dust.

Reply 10

Feastful

16

Original post by Anonymous

She always makes out she's trying to help my issues by getting me to do everything and to start with I thought that was good. But as the years have passed I've noticed she's completely incapable of having basic conversations with anyone who isn't me, her few friends or her family.

I tried encouraging her to get professional help but she denies needing it and I can't push the issue without her taking offence and getting angry.

If she needs you to help her function in daily life, then she needs to get help.

One of the problems here though is that you've become an enabler for this bad behaviour of hers. And until you stop doing stuff for her, the situation is unlikely to change. Right now a part of why she will not see herself as having any serious issues is because:

1. Thanks to you doing stuff for her all the time, it prevents her from having to face up to her own problems.

2. (Even though you have complained), you have allowed this bad behaviour to become an acceptable norm in the relationship by always caving in to her demands.

She may not have purposely set out to use/manipulate you initially, but it is certainly what the situation has boiled down to. But if you refused to do things for her (and you can actually do that), it would force her to face up to the reality of her issues. You are supposed to be her boyfriend, not her carer (and it sounds like she hasn't treated you right for a long time).

Stand up to her; stop enabling this bad behaviour of hers. Point her in the direction of help (etc), but be prepared to leave her if she refuses to deal with her issues. It takes two to make a relationship work, but right now the effort in dealing with problems is largely one-sided (and this needs to change if the relationship stands any chance of a future).

my girlfriend's social anxiety is driving me away from her

Quick Reply

Related discussions

Latest

Trending

Trending

Articles for you