Going through a crisis and don't know where to turn. (Hating uni)

I'm not too sure why I'm writing this, perhaps it's to collect my thought, but I am hoping that maybe somebody could give me a little advice if they have experienced anything I am going through.

First of all, I am a 24 year old mature student, in the middle of my first year as a Psychology UG. I was meaning to go to uni at the typical age of 18, but dropped out of my A-levels during year 12 because I suffered severe social anxiety bought about by bullying in secondary school, I had no friends there and despite the good grades I was getting, I just couldn't cope and I left and moved to another part of the country to live with my mother.

There, I worked my first job before starting my A-levels again the following September, only to suffer the same fate. My social anxiety was so severe that it led to me dropping out of education 2 years in a row. For the following couple of year I worked a few different jobs, and I recovered massively from the effects of my bullying, and became a confident, headstrong individual. I took the Access course route at the age of 21, thoroughly enjoyed it, and earned a very high overall grade as well as meeting a beautiful European girl whom I have now been with for 3 years. That year was the best of my life, I travelled with her, shared love and ultimately had a great time...I was the happiest I had ever been. I applied for a Sociology degree at Durham and was accepted, but I changed my mind as it would mean the end of my relationship and I would be so far from family and friends and I feared I could end up suffering again if I didn't enjoy it or fit in. I instead applied for Psychology at my current uni, only to be told that I would have to wait until the following year as all places had been taken. It was a disappointment, but at least I had a place close to home and the course looked good, and I spent the year working and gained some decent work experience.

So moving on, I begun my degree last September, happy and excited to be there. I was living in my current home for the time being (A rented room at a friends house), but enjoyed a good Freshers with people I met on the course. The thing is, my friend was selling his property and found a buyer in mid October, and so I had to move asap. I found it hard to find anywhere to rent because my parents are too poor to be guarantors, so my only choice was to take a place in halls. I joined a flat, and liked my room and the flatmates, though younger than me, seemed pretty chill. I went for a couple of nights out with them and my gf stayed over fairly often, but in general I didn't like the environment and managed to find a private room just off campus. This place is alright, but it is the exact opposite, in that it is too quiet and I feel immensely lonely.

Over the past few months, I have become incredibly depressed for various reasons. I owe the uni money for the time I spent in accommodation, and have been unable to find part time work so far...meaning I am absolutely penniless (literally). I don't receive my next loan installment until May, and even then I will use it to cover my accommodation debt, as well as paying back my VC loan and a Smartpig loan that I have had to borrow just to get by, so it seems like I am in a kind of cycle now. The fact that I have no money means that I have become isolated, I can't afford to go out and do anything, not even a coffee, and so I spend all my time in my room except when I go and play the piano in the music centre. My gf is also losing patience with my economic situation. She is a trainee accountant and wants to set up a secure life, get out own flat etc. I want that too, but unfortunately have to clear up my debts and find work before I can do so.

I am a massive over-thinker and very self-critical, and I have been tossing and turning in my head about where I should be in life and what I actually want to do after uni, as well as panicking that although I enjoy the subject, my degree is a waste of time as it is not strictly vocational. I have fallen into a deep depression and have been skipping most lectures and seminars, also submitting assignments late (Although I have had some good grades). In fact, I have a report that was due 4 days ago, which I am only half way through. My head is far away from uni right now.

I am considering dropping uni and instead finding a decent career job, that way I will have a good daily structure, the means to a secure life, be able to keep my gf and have prospects of career progression. Most would argue that I am a clever guy and I have impressed in my previous roles whilst holding very good relationships with management so I do think I would have hope. The thing is, I have tried and failed numerous times to reach where I am now, and although I am struggling heavily, I feel like I am letting myself and others down if I leave, as well as consigning to the fact that those years were wasted. I also feel like the potential is there to enjoy my uni experience, but that I am being constrained by my external situation.

Idk, I am at a loss really. I am sitting in my room wide awake at 5:30 am, a lecture at 9am, contemplating whether my life is even worth it. Reading my post, you can see what a mess my life has been so far. I feel like I am not cut out for this society of competitiveness, where self-worth is so closely aligned to your income and job. I feel like I just want to live simply for a while, have a steady job, a home with the girl I love, learn to drive, go on holidays and have pets. That sounds like happiness to me. My only real dream is to become a songwriter, it's my real passion and I spend about 6 hours a day atm playing piano and writing songs instead of studying. That and a book that I am writing. It's not very realistic I know. Anyway...perhaps I am rambling on now, I need to remember that this isn't a diary entry and I probably seem pathetic to everyone.

Hopefully someone out there will read this and maybe they are sharing a similar experience. If you have made it to the end, then thanks for your time, and I hope you have a blessed day.

Speak to your university student funding team. You’re almost guaranteed some level of help from hardship funds and they’ll be able to help you work out a plan to deal with any devts that a hardship grant can’t cover (they should be able to negotiate an affordable repayment plan with your university for your time in halls for example).

It’s also worth speaking to your tutor or student office about your options for intermitting/suspending your studies. You don’t have to commit to doing this formally at the moment but knowing about your options and what you need to do and when means that you can shift some of your focus from the long term (you’ll know how to take a year away from your studies to work) and help you get back into your studies between now and the end of the academic year.

Hi there PQ, thanks for the reply. So the university should be able to shift my debts into a payment plan? That would be very helpful and resolve some of the weight that is hanging over me. In terms of a hardship fund, although I am penniless and don't know how I am going to eat, I have already had a VC loan which I failed to pay back in January as I couldn't afford it. I don't think they will help me, and i many ways I feel like I am scrounging if I do that.

I don't want to postpone my studies again, I either want to get on track and complete my studies efficiently, or else leave and never come back. But I will speak to my tutor as you said. That's the thing, I know there are support structures out there, but it seems that part of my depressive state atm is an extreme disengagement and I always put things off, even something as simple as a drop in with support services. But I will actually get up and do this today.

Does your university have a counselling team? If you haven’t already then reaching out to them today would be good.

You have done really well to get to where you are today. And you’ve shown some great judgement and decision making in finding a situation that suits you. You’re obviously very capable and even if things are difficult right now you’re going to find a way through.

I hope you find a way out with the financial struggle. If you want to meet people without paying for coffee etc you could perhaps try volunteering. You would meet many nice people and it would be useful for a psychologist career