Bf who struggled to commit, has sex with another girl and then returns

My boyfriend of 6/7 months and I broke up at the end of November for multiple reasons but one main reason was the fact the he was struggling with the idea of being committed to a long term relationship (I did not know this at the time but was revealed to me later). It was a rough break up and it resulted in me blocking him on everything in order to allow myself to move on. Around three weeks later, he writes me emails saying that he regrets everything that he has done. A lot of discussion and going around in circles later, I decide to give it one last shot (we had argued and broken up very very briefly and then quickly reversed it once before). Since we got back together, things have been good, however, simultaneously, my self esteem and body image issues have been worsening. Recently, he told me that he had met a girl few times while we weren't together and they ended up having sex together.

The inevitable hurt that I feel (even though he didn't *technically* do anything wrong since we weren't together) and my extreme anxiety and insecurity all combined, keep making me think that he only returned to me because I am a safe easy option to fill his loneliness. I feel like a plan B because the other plan didn't go so well, and it's all really affecting my self esteem further obviously. I know he loves me and cares for me but I can't help this feeling. I'm too scared to bring it up to him because I feel like I have always been that person raising concerns in our relationship and having bouts of insecurity, and I don't want him to think I am restarting it all again. Please could someone tell me if I am overthinking and being silly or whatever?

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

OP

I feel all of this more intensely when I remember that he got with her so soon after our breakup.

Reply 2

Toki the Dumdum

18

It all comes down to whether or not you trust the things he says to be true. If you asked him about this tomorrow he would tell you he loves you or you're the one he wants to be with. Even if it's true that you're a backup option, you can't really force that out of him. It's ultimately you're call on whether to believe the things he says.

You need to not be a place of having bad feelings about yourself though. Either park this, trust him and accept your the dogs *******s/have confidence in yourself or leave him and be that, or work towards it, on your own. It's not worth it being in a relationship if your feeling crummy.

It might be worth talking to him to try and get your head around his thought process wrt you over the whole pre-break/break/post-break but it'll ultimately come back around to whether you believe the things he says to you. Good luck :yy:

Reply 3

Chicken.M.

20

lol

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2X_2IdybTV0

Reply 4

Scottishflavour

12

Talk to him about your insecurities. If he is serious about the relationship then he can help ease them.

Also, there are things you can do to help yourself which in my opinion is even more rewarding and beneficial. Meditation, discussion groups, regular exercise and eating well are just a few.

Ultimately, you should never be unhappy in a lovely relationship no matter how hard it is to detach. Being happy is the least you deserve .

Reply 5

xoxAngel_Kxox

21

It doesn't necessarily mean you're "Plan B". Some people panic at the thought of committment, and end relationships, and go and partake in casual sex just to prove (to themselves) that they're free and not committed to anyone.

I don't know all of the details, you know more than we do, but I think the fact that he's come back to you means he knows he made a mistake, and that he's willing to give committment another go.

But you have to think carefully about exactly how you feel about the situation. If you don't trust him, it won't work. If you're constantly worried he's going to leave you, it won't work. If you're going to throw this other girl in his face every time you have an argument, it definitely won't work.

You either need to move on, or take him back but with a clean slate. Anything in the middle of those two will cause issues at a later date, for sure.

Reply 6

thedoulamom

6

Original post by Anonymous

My boyfriend of 6/7 months and I broke up at the end of November for multiple reasons but one main reason was the fact the he was struggling with the idea of being committed to a long term relationship (I did not know this at the time but was revealed to me later). It was a rough break up and it resulted in me blocking him on everything in order to allow myself to move on. Around three weeks later, he writes me emails saying that he regrets everything that he has done. A lot of discussion and going around in circles later, I decide to give it one last shot (we had argued and broken up very very briefly and then quickly reversed it once before). Since we got back together, things have been good, however, simultaneously, my self esteem and body image issues have been worsening. Recently, he told me that he had met a girl few times while we weren't together and they ended up having sex together.

The inevitable hurt that I feel (even though he didn't *technically* do anything wrong since we weren't together) and my extreme anxiety and insecurity all combined, keep making me think that he only returned to me because I am a safe easy option to fill his loneliness. I feel like a plan B because the other plan didn't go so well, and it's all really affecting my self esteem further obviously. I know he loves me and cares for me but I can't help this feeling. I'm too scared to bring it up to him because I feel like I have always been that person raising concerns in our relationship and having bouts of insecurity, and I don't want him to think I am restarting it all again. Please could someone tell me if I am overthinking and being silly or whatever?

If you can't be open and honest with him about your insecurities then what's the point of being with him? Just because you love someone doesn't mean you're right for one another. Talk with him about it. Also, have you sought counseling about this? I know from my own experience with this (self-esteem issues and such) that going to therapy really helped. You can call 855-382-5433 for a free consultation and free referral to a LPC in your area too. I hope you find what you're looking for. <3

Reply 7

QueenTbiomed

13

Original post by Anonymous

I feel all of this more intensely when I remember that he got with her so soon after our breakup.

To be honest, I think she was a rebound and happened to make him realise that he's in love with you/you're better than her etc. So actually, I'd see the fact that he's back with you as a compliment.

Reply 8

ANM775

20

Original post by ChickenMadness

lol

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2X_2IdybTV0

please embed next time

it's quicker to view, plus you don't get full adverts when you embed. i also had to wait a full 5 seconds before it let me skip an advert to actually get to the vid because you linked directly to youtube

Reply 9

Chicken.M.

20

Original post by ANM775

please embed next time

it's quicker to view, plus you don't get full adverts when you embed. i also had to wait a full 5 seconds before it let me skip an advert to actually get to the vid because you linked directly to youtube