Finished exams and now have 4 months of nothing

Basically got no friends atm, and just want to get ready for uni life?

I want to start hitting the gym and lose weight, start getting to know central a bit better, engage in hobbies more and work on my mental health. I also want to learn to drive and get a licence.

More than anything, I want to go outside.

I only have one issue. I am completely broke, like £0.00 kinda broke. My parents flat out refuse to give me any money because they aren’t that rich, and I’m rejected for every job I apply for.

I have barely gone out the past year because of the pandemic and exams and am scared that if I don’t even have enough cash to make a simple bus ride that my mental health is going to be completely wrecked by the time I go to uni and I’ll fail my first year.

The only thing in walking distance of my area is a park. I literally have no clue what to do. I have zero contact with any of my old friends anymore and they now live in different parts of the country. Talking online just isn’t the same, and feels empty and depressing.

I am trying to plan these four months out so I can do things and work on becoming more social again, but having no money makes it so hard.

I’ve literally cried three times today and begged my mum to allow me to afford travel fees but she said no and started shouting at me for wasting money. I haven’t left the house for an entire month and feel agitated, depressed and constantly like I’m going to cry. My exams only ended last Friday. I wish I lived near nicer places but I don’t.

Going to the park just makes me miserable because the only time I go there is when I literally cannot do anything else and it’s empty and depressing.

I have so many goals and wishes but I feel I can’t meet even a single one of them because of the kind of household I’m stuck in. I feel pathetic and can’t stop spiralling into negativity.

I worked so hard to do well in my exams and my one single hope had been to enjoy this summer after so much struggling and countless failures. It really feels like without money and connections you truly are helpless in this world.

I feel even more pathetic when I see twelve year olds being able to go anywhere they want whatever the time of day and never having to worry about how much they spend. I wish I had such a free life like that, but these days I feel the overwhelming amount of restrictions I have because of my situation makes me feel constricted and hard to breathe.

When I try to explain anything to my parents they take it the wrong way and always put it back on me. I love my parents and I feel bad for them because they haven’t had a great life either but I wish they could sometimes be more understanding and just let me live a little.

I don’t know if I’m making any sense but I’m so distraught and sad I cant tell.