Open relationships- do they ever really work?!
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Original post by Neil_K
I think the title of this thread should be changed to 'Monogamous relationships - do they really work?' or 'Marriage - does it really work?'.
The answer is NO, in both those cases.
As for open relationships, I can say that yes they work far better, since they go with and not against true human nature. See, we humans aren't designed to be monogamous. It's only society that invented to the concept of monogamy to control people....but in our true nature, we are not monogamous beings.
The answer is NO, in both those cases.
As for open relationships, I can say that yes they work far better, since they go with and not against true human nature. See, we humans aren't designed to be monogamous. It's only society that invented to the concept of monogamy to control people....but in our true nature, we are not monogamous beings.
Not true at all, jealousy is a human nature and that is everything to do with monogamy. We aren't 100% monogamous of course but to be honest I don't think there are very many species on the planet that are. However there are species that are mostly monogamous such as some species of birds, and us.
Jealousy is an instinctive emotion and it's hard wired, for the purpose of maintaining monogamy.
EDIT: The person posting above me speaks sense, listen to him/her.
(edited 13 years ago)
Original post by Frankio
Not true at all, jealousy is a human nature and that is everything to do with monogamy.
Jealousy is an instinctive emotion and it's hard wired, for the purpose of maintaining monogamy.
Jealousy is an instinctive emotion and it's hard wired, for the purpose of maintaining monogamy.
Jealousy is an emotion that insecure, needy and clingy people feel. And you've just pointed out, jealousy is a trait that (usually) occurs within MONOGAMOUS relationships....yet another one of the downsides of being monogamous.
Jealousy is a self-confidence issue!
Jealousy is ones' ego shouting "If your partner HAD THE CHOICE, they wouldn't choose you!". Think about this for a moment.
That is why people opt for the mythical 'happily monogamous relationship' in the first place, believing that by getting into a monogamous relationship with their beloved, they will eliminate competition, and thereby not fear losing their lover to a 'better option'.
I've totally freed myself from jealousy. How did I do this? By giving any girl I meet the choice to leave any time she wants, and do what she wants when she's not with me. This way, I am totally free from jealousy because I'm totally non needy. I don't get possessive, I don't get paranoid about what they're up to when they're not with me, I don't care what guys they meet with or talk to on Facebook, etc.
When you become non-needy and give your partner(s) the freedom to do what they want when they're not with you, and the freedom to leave you at any time, jealousy disappears totally.
Also, when you are busy living your own life and pursuing your goals and dreams, you tend to stop 'caring' about trying to 'cling' onto girls, and as a result you become very non-needy, and non-jealous, which is obviously a good thing!
Most guys in monogamous relationships try too hard to 'cling' onto their girlfriends, and end up jealous and paranoid about what she's up to. These are all unhealthy traits.
(edited 13 years ago)
Original post by Neil_K
Jealousy is an emotion that insecure, needy and clingy people feel. And you've just pointed out, jealousy is a trait that (usually) occurs within MONOGAMOUS relationships....yet another one of the downsides of being monogamous.
Jealousy is a self-confidence issue!
Jealousy is ones' ego shouting "If your partner HAD THE CHOICE, they wouldn't choose you!". Think about this for a moment.
That is why people opt for the mythical 'happily monogamous relationship' in the first place, believing that by getting into a monogamous relationship with their beloved, they will eliminate competition, and thereby not fear losing their lover to a 'better option'.
I've totally freed myself from jealousy. How did I do this? By giving any girl I meet the choice to leave any time she wants, and do what she wants when she's not with me. This way, I am totally free from jealousy because I'm totally non needy. I don't get possessive, I don't get paranoid about what they're up to when they're not with me, I don't care what guys they meet with or talk to on Facebook, etc.
When you become non-needy and give your partner(s) the freedom to do what they want when they're not with you, and the freedom to leave you at any time, jealousy disappears totally.
Also, when you are busy living your own life and pursuing your goals and dreams, you tend to stop 'caring' about trying to 'cling' onto girls, and as a result you become very non-needy, and non-jealous, which is obviously a good thing!
Most guys in monogamous relationships try too hard to 'cling' onto their girlfriends, and end up jealous and paranoid about what she's up to. These are all unhealthy traits.
Jealousy is a self-confidence issue!
Jealousy is ones' ego shouting "If your partner HAD THE CHOICE, they wouldn't choose you!". Think about this for a moment.
That is why people opt for the mythical 'happily monogamous relationship' in the first place, believing that by getting into a monogamous relationship with their beloved, they will eliminate competition, and thereby not fear losing their lover to a 'better option'.
I've totally freed myself from jealousy. How did I do this? By giving any girl I meet the choice to leave any time she wants, and do what she wants when she's not with me. This way, I am totally free from jealousy because I'm totally non needy. I don't get possessive, I don't get paranoid about what they're up to when they're not with me, I don't care what guys they meet with or talk to on Facebook, etc.
When you become non-needy and give your partner(s) the freedom to do what they want when they're not with you, and the freedom to leave you at any time, jealousy disappears totally.
Also, when you are busy living your own life and pursuing your goals and dreams, you tend to stop 'caring' about trying to 'cling' onto girls, and as a result you become very non-needy, and non-jealous, which is obviously a good thing!
Most guys in monogamous relationships try too hard to 'cling' onto their girlfriends, and end up jealous and paranoid about what she's up to. These are all unhealthy traits.
Jealousy and paranoia aren't the same thing, and believe me jealousy certainly isn't a cultural phenomenon or consciously originated thought (even animals experience it). There are many reasons in nature why monogamy works and is employed (mainly to do with offspring), it doesn't for all, but it definately works for some and arguably a majority.
Open relationships can work. In those that do the partners place a very high value in their emotional connection with their partner. There must be a very strong trust between the partners and that is usually accompanied by very strong ground rules. At least in the ones I have read about the partners are 100% committed to one another and if the other partner says no to a sexual encounter by their partner, it doesn’t happen. They keep each other at the very top of their priorities.
As to how monogamous we are, the statistics may seen at;
http://www.infidelityfacts.com/infidelity-statistics.html
The two most applicable are;
Percentage of men who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught: 74%
Percentage of women who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught: 68%
Obviously the numbers should be higher as many would never admit to something they felt was socially unacceptable.
If you really believe that married women will remain monogamous even when they feel secure that no one would ever know, just spend a month at some tropical island resort and observe the wives and grandmothers in action. It will probably be a shocker to most of you.
With all that said, I believe that most of us are just too insecure to live in that situation.
As to how monogamous we are, the statistics may seen at;
http://www.infidelityfacts.com/infidelity-statistics.html
The two most applicable are;
Percentage of men who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught: 74%
Percentage of women who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught: 68%
Obviously the numbers should be higher as many would never admit to something they felt was socially unacceptable.
If you really believe that married women will remain monogamous even when they feel secure that no one would ever know, just spend a month at some tropical island resort and observe the wives and grandmothers in action. It will probably be a shocker to most of you.
With all that said, I believe that most of us are just too insecure to live in that situation.
Hi Trooper,
Fair enough points, but i think that says more about our conscience rather than anything else. If you knew you could do something, and the chance of 'Getting away with it' was a certainty, the chances are we would do it.
If we knew we could Swindle the bank out of £100K, and knew we wouldn't get caught and that our conscience wouldn't catch up to us, the chances are, we would do it.
Fair enough points, but i think that says more about our conscience rather than anything else. If you knew you could do something, and the chance of 'Getting away with it' was a certainty, the chances are we would do it.
If we knew we could Swindle the bank out of £100K, and knew we wouldn't get caught and that our conscience wouldn't catch up to us, the chances are, we would do it.
For me personally an open or non-monogamous relationship would never work. Emotionally, I wouldn't be able to handle it and I would not be happy in one.
However...that's not to say they never work. I have friends who are actually married with children but are still non-monogamous and both sleep with other people of both genders. It isn't conventional and if I'd never known them I doubt I'd believe this could work or be healthy...but it works for them.
I think really the question at the heart of the OP's original post was whether their relationship could work if it was open and none of us can really answer that for them. I would definitely say though that an open relationship only works if it is truly equal and is what both parties want. If either one of them is only doing it to hang onto the other person however tenuously at any cost then I don't think you'll be sucessful. They would always be hurting below the surface and hoping that the arrangement will be a temporary measure.
However...that's not to say they never work. I have friends who are actually married with children but are still non-monogamous and both sleep with other people of both genders. It isn't conventional and if I'd never known them I doubt I'd believe this could work or be healthy...but it works for them.
I think really the question at the heart of the OP's original post was whether their relationship could work if it was open and none of us can really answer that for them. I would definitely say though that an open relationship only works if it is truly equal and is what both parties want. If either one of them is only doing it to hang onto the other person however tenuously at any cost then I don't think you'll be sucessful. They would always be hurting below the surface and hoping that the arrangement will be a temporary measure.
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