Does any other gay males feel under extreme pressure for their looks?
I know it's really bad but I get really depressed about my looks. I look at a lot of guys (being gay, duh lol) and I see that they are really good looking and confident about themselves yet I don't think I can even improve my looks and i'm stuck at a dead end. like the gay community are based heavily on looking good all the time and I can't even do that...
and I know that it's a stupid thing to complain about but it really does get me depressed and thinking that life would be so much easier if I didn't exist and into depressed spells like those. all just because of my looks.
also i'm 18 and going to university next month which then i'll be out but I don't think i'll be able to get any guys since everyone judges on looks damnit.
and yeah, I posted this anonymously haha...but if anyone wants to talk then i'm free to PM
and I know this topic is done to death and blah blah but I was wondering if you guys had any good advice
and i'll promise to shutup about it
and I know that it's a stupid thing to complain about but it really does get me depressed and thinking that life would be so much easier if I didn't exist and into depressed spells like those. all just because of my looks.
also i'm 18 and going to university next month which then i'll be out but I don't think i'll be able to get any guys since everyone judges on looks damnit.
and yeah, I posted this anonymously haha...but if anyone wants to talk then i'm free to PM
and I know this topic is done to death and blah blah but I was wondering if you guys had any good advice
and i'll promise to shutup about itScroll to see replies
Most guys care about the appearance to some degree - they're just less vocal about it, gay or straight.
Here's the way I see it - you look the way you do. Your core features are not going to change, but what you do with them can change your look drastically. Don't get hung up on it too much because it will effect your personality, your character. Be who you are, take pride in your appearance, learn to accept your 'flaws', work on the areas you can work on (grooming, fitness, body shape, etc.).
Yes we all judge on looks on some level, but it's not everything. Some people value it more than others but you can't let those people get to you. You're young, you're going to university - enjoy it. You don't want to spend the whole time worrying, it will get you absolutely nowhere in the end.
Here's the way I see it - you look the way you do. Your core features are not going to change, but what you do with them can change your look drastically. Don't get hung up on it too much because it will effect your personality, your character. Be who you are, take pride in your appearance, learn to accept your 'flaws', work on the areas you can work on (grooming, fitness, body shape, etc.).
Yes we all judge on looks on some level, but it's not everything. Some people value it more than others but you can't let those people get to you. You're young, you're going to university - enjoy it. You don't want to spend the whole time worrying, it will get you absolutely nowhere in the end.
(edited 12 years ago)
Original post by chris_h
Most guys care about the appearance to some degree - they're just less vocal about it, gay or straight.
Here's the way I see it - you look the way you do. Your core features are not going to change, but what you do with them can change your look drastically. Don't get hung up on it too much because it will effect your personality, your character. Be who you are, take pride in your appearance, learn to accept your 'flaws', work on the areas you can work on (grooming, fitness, body shape, etc.).
Yes we all judge on looks on some level, but it's not everything. Some people value it more than others but you can't let those people get to you. You're young, you're going to university - enjoy it. You don't want to spend the whole time worrying, it will get you absolutely nowhere in the end.
Here's the way I see it - you look the way you do. Your core features are not going to change, but what you do with them can change your look drastically. Don't get hung up on it too much because it will effect your personality, your character. Be who you are, take pride in your appearance, learn to accept your 'flaws', work on the areas you can work on (grooming, fitness, body shape, etc.).
Yes we all judge on looks on some level, but it's not everything. Some people value it more than others but you can't let those people get to you. You're young, you're going to university - enjoy it. You don't want to spend the whole time worrying, it will get you absolutely nowhere in the end.
not entirely; I mean I find that straight guys can get girls based on swag/game while being gay means that you definitely have to look good, you can't just have personality
and I know, I should have having a good time for uni rather than being depressed and pessimistic about me getting into a relationship and it is starting to hit my self-esteem and confidence but it's something that I can't really control
it's like i'll just fall into a massive depression because of it
and I hate it lol, but I can't change it
What are the problems? Why not hit the gym and get a great body, make the most of what you have, eat good foods, be healthy, wear nice clothes, do everything in your control. Not all gay guys base their relationships completely on looks. Again it's important but if you're a great person that has to count for at least something.
Original post by chris_h
What are the problems? Why not hit the gym and get a great body, make the most of what you have, eat good foods, be healthy, wear nice clothes, do everything in your control. Not all gay guys base their relationships completely on looks. Again it's important but if you're a great person that has to count for at least something.
I could hit the gym, that's something i'm planning to do when i'm in uni. I don't really want to go gym now because I can't really afford it and I do have some weights in my house. I used to work out with those in the beginning of the year but then I got lazy haha...
I started caring about what I wore last year and it's helped boost esteem a lot, and I eat healthily anyway. tbh it's my body that's fine, i'm at a good weight (maybe could gain a couple more pounds) but it's my face and I can't improve it :/
and looks is very important. it's looks that draw people in but then it's personality that keeps a relationship. and at the moment, I can't even draw people in...
Working out to any degree will help your self esteem too. It keeps you fit and it does good thing for your mind.
There's no excuse. If you can't afford the gym (it's really not that bad if you cut down on all the meaningless crap we spend money on, cut down on drinking, whatever your thing is), then there's still no excuse - the correct nutrition is available to you, and if you know where to buy, you can get it cheap (markets, etc.). You can do many great compound mass building excersizes without access to a gym.
If you want to be a slim guy without much muscle mass, then maybe it's not for you (though you could run, that's healthy for anybody - keeps your mind active too. Do early morning runs or maybe a night run, whatever you like best). But why not try out getting a great impressive body? Wouldn't that help your cause? If it would make you feel good, do it. But keep in mind that these superficial things may not have any effect on anybody else - they are also for ourselves, our own self esteem.
What do you dress like? Look man, accept your natural looks - and learn to work with what you have. Everybody has something about them they don't like, be it certain facial features or body image, whatever - but that doesn't mean other people see it in the same way. What you perceive yourself to look like and what others do can often be very different.
Take small steps. Maybe you're blaming your looks when you're really not putting yourself out there, afterall, nobody knows anything about you - when you meet a stranger, what else do they have to go on but your looks if you're not giving them a hell of a lot more to work on, and if you're quite self conscious then you're probably not a highly charasmatic guy who instantly transforms the room.
Think about that. You can blame your looks to a certain point, then it's all you. You take control. You make people see that you're interesting. Strangers know nothing about you. The smallest of details can make the world of difference.
There's no excuse. If you can't afford the gym (it's really not that bad if you cut down on all the meaningless crap we spend money on, cut down on drinking, whatever your thing is), then there's still no excuse - the correct nutrition is available to you, and if you know where to buy, you can get it cheap (markets, etc.). You can do many great compound mass building excersizes without access to a gym.
If you want to be a slim guy without much muscle mass, then maybe it's not for you (though you could run, that's healthy for anybody - keeps your mind active too. Do early morning runs or maybe a night run, whatever you like best). But why not try out getting a great impressive body? Wouldn't that help your cause? If it would make you feel good, do it. But keep in mind that these superficial things may not have any effect on anybody else - they are also for ourselves, our own self esteem.
What do you dress like? Look man, accept your natural looks - and learn to work with what you have. Everybody has something about them they don't like, be it certain facial features or body image, whatever - but that doesn't mean other people see it in the same way. What you perceive yourself to look like and what others do can often be very different.
Take small steps. Maybe you're blaming your looks when you're really not putting yourself out there, afterall, nobody knows anything about you - when you meet a stranger, what else do they have to go on but your looks if you're not giving them a hell of a lot more to work on, and if you're quite self conscious then you're probably not a highly charasmatic guy who instantly transforms the room.
Think about that. You can blame your looks to a certain point, then it's all you. You take control. You make people see that you're interesting. Strangers know nothing about you. The smallest of details can make the world of difference.
(edited 12 years ago)
Anonymous, if you want to PM me, you can.
Basically, I know how it feels - as a gay man, I also feel under a lot of pressure to conform to a general look (generally either sculpted hunk of muscle or uber-thin fashionable guy) ... neither of which are me :P I get guys either being like "Cute" or "Ugly" to me... some guys don't even bother talking to me online or whatever (beyond the general "Face Pic?" -blocked- thing going on) so I can see why it would be frustrating.
I'm not exactly ugly. Okay, I'm not going to win any awards for world's hottest man or anything, but the constant pressure on looks is incredibly unhealthy for the gay community as a whole - not everyone is model-standard (and nor should they be), but it seems looks > personality at the moment.
So anyway, if you want to PM me, feel free.
Basically, I know how it feels - as a gay man, I also feel under a lot of pressure to conform to a general look (generally either sculpted hunk of muscle or uber-thin fashionable guy) ... neither of which are me :P I get guys either being like "Cute" or "Ugly" to me... some guys don't even bother talking to me online or whatever (beyond the general "Face Pic?" -blocked- thing going on) so I can see why it would be frustrating.
I'm not exactly ugly. Okay, I'm not going to win any awards for world's hottest man or anything, but the constant pressure on looks is incredibly unhealthy for the gay community as a whole - not everyone is model-standard (and nor should they be), but it seems looks > personality at the moment.
So anyway, if you want to PM me, feel free.
Original post by chris_h
Working out to any degree will help your self esteem too. It keeps you fit and it does good thing for your mind.
There's no excuse. If you can't afford the gym (it's really not that bad if you cut down on all the meaningless crap we spend money on, cut down on drinking, whatever your thing is), then there's still no excuse - the correct nutrition is available to you, and if you know where to buy, you can get it cheap (markets, etc.). You can do many great compound mass building excersizes without access to a gym.
If you want to be a slim guy without much muscle mass, then maybe it's not for you (though you could run, that's healthy for anybody - keeps your mind active too. Do early morning runs or maybe a night run, whatever you like best). But why not try out getting a great impressive body? Wouldn't that help your cause? If it would make you feel good, do it. But keep in mind that these superficial things may not have any effect on anybody else - they are also for ourselves, our own self esteem.
What do you dress like? Look man, accept your natural looks - and learn to work with what you have. Everybody has something about them they don't like, be it certain facial features or body image, whatever - but that doesn't mean other people see it in the same way. What you perceive yourself to look like and what others do can often be very different.
Take small steps. Maybe you're blaming your looks when you're really not putting yourself out there, afterall, nobody knows anything about you - when you meet a stranger, what else do they have to go on but your looks if you're not giving them a hell of a lot more to work on, and if you're quite self conscious then you're probably not a highly charasmatic guy who instantly transforms the room.
Think about that. You can blame your looks to a certain point, then it's all you. You take control. You make people see that you're interesting. Strangers know nothing about you. The smallest of details can make the world of difference.
There's no excuse. If you can't afford the gym (it's really not that bad if you cut down on all the meaningless crap we spend money on, cut down on drinking, whatever your thing is), then there's still no excuse - the correct nutrition is available to you, and if you know where to buy, you can get it cheap (markets, etc.). You can do many great compound mass building excersizes without access to a gym.
If you want to be a slim guy without much muscle mass, then maybe it's not for you (though you could run, that's healthy for anybody - keeps your mind active too. Do early morning runs or maybe a night run, whatever you like best). But why not try out getting a great impressive body? Wouldn't that help your cause? If it would make you feel good, do it. But keep in mind that these superficial things may not have any effect on anybody else - they are also for ourselves, our own self esteem.
What do you dress like? Look man, accept your natural looks - and learn to work with what you have. Everybody has something about them they don't like, be it certain facial features or body image, whatever - but that doesn't mean other people see it in the same way. What you perceive yourself to look like and what others do can often be very different.
Take small steps. Maybe you're blaming your looks when you're really not putting yourself out there, afterall, nobody knows anything about you - when you meet a stranger, what else do they have to go on but your looks if you're not giving them a hell of a lot more to work on, and if you're quite self conscious then you're probably not a highly charasmatic guy who instantly transforms the room.
Think about that. You can blame your looks to a certain point, then it's all you. You take control. You make people see that you're interesting. Strangers know nothing about you. The smallest of details can make the world of difference.
I know that working out will make you feel better, but I don't think that it would have a dramatic effect on my life sadly.
but I know that if I put myself out there, 99% of the time it'll end up in rejection which will hit my self confidence even more. I tried to block out thinking about relationships but it's not working
Original post by Musether
Anonymous, if you want to PM me, you can.
Basically, I know how it feels - as a gay man, I also feel under a lot of pressure to conform to a general look (generally either sculpted hunk of muscle or uber-thin fashionable guy) ... neither of which are me :P I get guys either being like "Cute" or "Ugly" to me... some guys don't even bother talking to me online or whatever (beyond the general "Face Pic?" -blocked- thing going on) so I can see why it would be frustrating.
I'm not exactly ugly. Okay, I'm not going to win any awards for world's hottest man or anything, but the constant pressure on looks is incredibly unhealthy for the gay community as a whole - not everyone is model-standard (and nor should they be), but it seems looks > personality at the moment.
So anyway, if you want to PM me, feel free.
Basically, I know how it feels - as a gay man, I also feel under a lot of pressure to conform to a general look (generally either sculpted hunk of muscle or uber-thin fashionable guy) ... neither of which are me :P I get guys either being like "Cute" or "Ugly" to me... some guys don't even bother talking to me online or whatever (beyond the general "Face Pic?" -blocked- thing going on) so I can see why it would be frustrating.
I'm not exactly ugly. Okay, I'm not going to win any awards for world's hottest man or anything, but the constant pressure on looks is incredibly unhealthy for the gay community as a whole - not everyone is model-standard (and nor should they be), but it seems looks > personality at the moment.
So anyway, if you want to PM me, feel free.
yeah i'm not uber thin/extremely muscular, i'm pretty average so it affects me even more. a lot of guys are extremely shallow, especially online. they won't even bother talking to you properly if you're not good looking so it sucks a lot. my only hope is that when I do actually meet gay guys IRL they won't be as shallow and condensing :P
and yeah, this is making me dislike the gay community even more
but it's good to have someone feeling the same as I do
Yeah I feel like it does put a lot of pressure on me. I worry that I'd be laughed at and shunned by the other men if I went to a gay club/bar because I'm not as good-looking as them. It's not the only reason I'm quite insecure about my appearance and physique, but that has been a contributing factor.
It has changed now that I have a boyfriend I'm happy with though... I feel like I wouldn't care what other men think of me as much.
It has changed now that I have a boyfriend I'm happy with though... I feel like I wouldn't care what other men think of me as much.
(edited 12 years ago)
Original post by innerhollow
Yeah I feel like it does put a lot of pressure on me. I worry that I'd be laughed at and shunned by the other men if I went to a gay club/bar because I'm not as good-looking as them. It's not the only reason I'm quite insecure about my appearance and physique, but that has been a contributing factor.
It has changed now that I have a boyfriend I'm happy with though... I feel like I wouldn't care what other men think of me as much.
It has changed now that I have a boyfriend I'm happy with though... I feel like I wouldn't care what other men think of me as much.
yeah I feel as other gay men only care about looks as the driving factor in why they would want to get with another man. and solely because of that, I don't see myself getting into a relationship at all :|
I wish I could have a boyfriend right about now haha. that would make me feel a ton better
Original post by Anonymous
yeah I feel as other gay men only care about looks as the driving factor in why they would want to get with another man. and solely because of that, I don't see myself getting into a relationship at all :|
I wish I could have a boyfriend right about now haha. that would make me feel a ton better
I wish I could have a boyfriend right about now haha. that would make me feel a ton better
I'm guessing you're fairly young too then? I'm only 17, and I think a lot of guys our age (both gay and straight) aren't looking for anything more than a bit of sex so physical attraction is their own criterion. People looking for something more meaningful are different.
All the best man, I'm sure you'll find a nice guy soon =] Until then, don't worry about superficial people who try to bring you down and make you feel worthless, they can just **** right off.
Original post by innerhollow
I'm guessing you're fairly young too then? I'm only 17, and I think a lot of guys our age (both gay and straight) aren't looking for anything more than a bit of sex so physical attraction is their own criterion. People looking for something more meaningful are different.
All the best man, I'm sure you'll find a nice guy soon =] Until then, don't worry about superficial people who try to bring you down and make you feel worthless, they can just **** right off.
All the best man, I'm sure you'll find a nice guy soon =] Until then, don't worry about superficial people who try to bring you down and make you feel worthless, they can just **** right off.
17 and you have a boyfriend?
damn you're doing well
Original post by Anonymous
17 and you have a boyfriend?
damn you're doing well
damn you're doing well
Well I met both my current boyfriend and my ex through this website actually so you may want to stick around on TSR.
Seriously, though, age is just a number. And you may think having a bf will solve all your problems but it doesn't always make you feel better. For example, I went through some miserable experiences with my ex. It's much better being single than in an unhappy relationship.
(edited 12 years ago)
Original post by innerhollow
Well I met both my current boyfriend and my ex through this website actually so you may want to stick around on TSR.
Seriously, though, age is just a number. And you may think having a bf will solve all your problems but it doesn't always make you feel better. For example, I went through some miserable experiences with my ex. It's much better being single than in an unhappy relationship.
Seriously, though, age is just a number. And you may think having a bf will solve all your problems but it doesn't always make you feel better. For example, I went through some miserable experiences with my ex. It's much better being single than in an unhappy relationship.
that's really weird because I know another guy on TSR that met his boyfriend through this site as well. not weird as in crazy, but it made me think of that and maybe there is love on TSR haha
but yeah i'm 18 years old. not that I want a bf to make myself feel better but I just want one so there's someone that I can spend time with and would raise my esteem since I know that there's someone that cares for me in that type of romantic way. so maybe just a little to feel better I guess :P
Anonymous, can I PM you? (well, the real guy behind it...) ... you seem cool! 
But yeah, I understand self-esteem issues (I used to suffer from those; and still do a bit... not about myself, but about my abilities); just keep on perservering and it'll all turn out smashingly! (If not, blame the media for society's overhyped values and need for attraction over personality :P)
But yeah, I understand self-esteem issues (I used to suffer from those; and still do a bit... not about myself, but about my abilities); just keep on perservering and it'll all turn out smashingly! (If not, blame the media for society's overhyped values and need for attraction over personality :P)
Original post by Musether
Anonymous, can I PM you? (well, the real guy behind it...) ... you seem cool!
But yeah, I understand self-esteem issues (I used to suffer from those; and still do a bit... not about myself, but about my abilities); just keep on perservering and it'll all turn out smashingly! (If not, blame the media for society's overhyped values and need for attraction over personality :P)
But yeah, I understand self-esteem issues (I used to suffer from those; and still do a bit... not about myself, but about my abilities); just keep on perservering and it'll all turn out smashingly! (If not, blame the media for society's overhyped values and need for attraction over personality :P)
No way of doing that without him de-anoning, the OP will have to PM you if he hasn't already done so.
I understand how it can be, i can get these little periods where i become all depressed about my appearance but it subsides and then i wonder what on earth i was stressing about, but it still manages to return every now and then If I see a guy i like I start envying their appearance and want to be more like them - hate that feeling!
If I see a guy i like I start envying their appearance and want to be more like them - hate that feeling!(edited 12 years ago)
Original post by The Racist Dragon
I understand how it can be, i can get these little periods where i become all depressed about my appearance but it subsides and then i wonder what on earth i was stressing about, but it still manages to return every now and then If I see a guy i like I start envying their appearance and want to be more like them - hate that feeling!
If I see a guy i like I start envying their appearance and want to be more like them - hate that feeling!yeah most of my problems I would say stems from looking at other guys and wishing I could look as attractive as them, then I would have no problems in life and it would be infinitely better
of course I know that's crap :P I just want to be good looking enough not to get turned down by every guy that I like
but it seems as if the average gay guy is a lot hotter than me which annoys the hell out of me and makes me feel like crap...
you clearly are inexperienced. the gay world works differently to how u think it does. when two gay guys meet they talk about preferentials as opposed to looks for example top/bottom/versatile etc... penis size matters so if u look like a donkey but have an 11 inch ... ur pretty assured sex. and most gay guys don't like looks obsessed queens.
edit:
if you really feel uncomfortable, download grindr on iphone (if u got one) and upload a photo of you and see how many guys talk to u. if some do then your obviously know that you're not hideous.
edit:
if you really feel uncomfortable, download grindr on iphone (if u got one) and upload a photo of you and see how many guys talk to u. if some do then your obviously know that you're not hideous.
(edited 12 years ago)
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