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Should I end long term relationship? Watch

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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Sorry, I disagree in part and some of the earlier posters have got nearer the issue. My point made at the begining of this thread is that from the outset mylself and my partner just kind of fell together because we were outsiders and lonely and didnt fit in with anyone else. I was never "in love" with her as such nor her with me. We just got on together well in other ways as companions - and its always been like that and not much sex involved for years. I have never felt particularly passionate about her nor found her partiicularly physically attractive. Shes quite manly in appearance, and behaviour, and with short hair has often been mistaken for a man. I know w'eve even received homophobic abuse from people thinking we were a gay couple. Right from the outset there were other more feminine women I felt for more, but neither had the courage to ask them out nor the bravery to end it with my partner.

    I do however take your point about ending with my parnter first, although its interesting that women Ive spoken to from non anglo-saxon countries I have spoken to think in my circumstances that it would be quite legitimate to do this - there may be some cultural elements to your view.
    The early posters didn't realise that you had children, they thought you were just a university student in a teenage relationship. You only revealed that (rather key) piece of information later on in the thread.

    My point is that you are being unrealistic if you think that the exciting, powerful, 'in love' emotions last for ever and that you have in some way missed out on it. On average those feelings last 1 to 3 years, before settling down into something more comfortable (but just as loving, in a different way). So don't throw over an existing relationship with children involved, for a feeling that is only likely to last for a relatively short period.

    It doesn't matter whether you think your partner is feminine or not. The point is that you have children with her, and therefore you need to treat her with consideration and respect both because of your history together and because that is fundamentally the humane and decent thing to do.

    Even if you believe the relationship is doomed, attending marriage counselling together will help her to come to terms with that more gently and with the support of a third party, compared with you just walking out on her and your family for another woman.

    I would view the starting of a new relationship whilst still being in your old relationship as being a totally selfish and unnecessary way to behave, to your current partner, to your children, and to any new partner. It says nothing good about you whatsoever. Culturally if you are in the UK and you are hoping to have a new relationship with a woman in the UK, society's moral expectation is that you will only be in one relationship at once, not lining your women up on a conveyor belt.
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    You should never have got together with a woman you didn't even like, let alone have children with her. You've been very spineless and weak. I think it's pretty telling that you didn't even mention your children in your first post. It almost sounds like you're having a mid-life crisis.
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    A happy home is what the kids need. So stop drinking to hide your emotions first and foremost. You'll be generally more snappy and that isn't fair on them.

    If you honestly feel that your relationship is beyond a point where happiness is found, then you should end it. Your current feelings will only grow and make you resentful to her if they are allowed to fester and you do not act upon it. This will in turn make a bad environment for the kids to live in.

    You need to talk to her about this though. You need to tell her everything you've told us about your perception of this relationship, and your perception of her understanding of this relationship and why it doesn't make you happy. Then you need to talk to her to see how she feels about this relationship too. After this, you need to come to an agreement of how to proceed with the view to catering for your children's needs most, taking in to consideration all what you want, all what she wants and all that the kids need.

    Should you both agree that ending it is ultimately for the best, then you need to be honest with your kids and reassuring.

    Finally, if you do break up with her, show some respect to your relationship and just stay single until you, her and the kids are all settled in to a new routine. You don't want to appear like you've had another girl 'lined up', it'd be disgraceful.

    Before all of this though, consider two things:

    1) do I really want other women, or do I get excited because I know I cant / shouldn't be with them?

    2) if my wife put a bit more effort in to her appearance, perhaps with some help from one of her more girly friends, would that help?
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    (Original post by abc101)
    You should never have got together with a woman you didn't even like, let alone have children with her. You've been very spineless and weak. I think it's pretty telling that you didn't even mention your children in your first post. It almost sounds like you're having a mid-life crisis.
    Yes I agree It was spineless and weak. Yes I do think Im having a crisis. Why was it "telling" not to mention the children in the first post? I didnt say I didnt like my partner - we have quite a lot in common and are good friends - shes my best friend in fact. I just said I never had any great romantic love or physical passion for her.

    The question was - should I stay in the relationship?
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    2) if my wife put a bit more effort in to her appearance, perhaps with some help from one of her more girly friends, would that help?[/QUOTE]

    Sorry - this really makes me laugh. Firstly, its her build and physical appearance which is the problem. She has had pituitary problems with her growth hormones which meant that things like her hands and feet are abnoramlly large and she has a very masculine jaw and forehead. I actually prefer the natural look - makeup and girly clothes on her makes her look kind of transgender, which I really dislike.
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    (Original post by Climbontoyourseahorse)
    You very obviously had sexual intentions when you asked this woman on your course out for a drink. How is that acceptable when you are in a relationship? No, you might not love your partner, but that does not mean that you can sneak around behind her back. What would you have done if this woman had said yes? Began an affair? It's very possible that if this woman knows about your partner this may have been the reason for the rejection, or at least part of it. You will not get the passionate relationship you so want while festering in an unfulfilling one.
    No they werent ovetly sexual - they were extremely soppy and romantic. I really like this woman a lot - even though I dont know her well enough to say I was in love with her. Nor will I - more's the pity as she has refused to talk to me in private, and Ive decided to leave my current course and revert back to my previous one. Theres only one woman in my life who I have ever wanted as much as this one, and I regret to say it was not my current partner. It was someone I used to know before I ever went out with my current partner. I was just too shy to make a physical move. It seems the more I really want a person the least likely I am to do anything about it. I used to freeze and clam up in her presence. With my partner I took the easy option, I decided to have a realtionship with someone who didnt scare me, but I also didnt fancy that much - until now. Even though some of the posters here would argut it is immoral It took a great deal of courage on my part to ask this latest woman out. Its the first time Ive ever done this believe it or not. I crave romantic love. I had every intention of explaining fully my situation and leaving my current partner if my crush on this woman developed into more.
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    (Original post by Crumpet1)
    The early posters didn't realise that you had children, they thought you were just a university student in a teenage relationship. You only revealed that (rather key) piece of information later on in the thread.

    My point is that you are being unrealistic if you think that the exciting, powerful, 'in love' emotions last for ever and that you have in some way missed out on it. On average those feelings last 1 to 3 years, before settling down into something more comfortable (but just as loving, in a different way). So don't throw over an existing relationship with children involved, for a feeling that is only likely to last for a relatively short period.

    It doesn't matter whether you think your partner is feminine or not. The point is that you have children with her, and therefore you need to treat her with consideration and respect both because of your history together and because that is fundamentally the humane and decent thing to do.

    Even if you believe the relationship is doomed, attending marriage counselling together will help her to come to terms with that more gently and with the support of a third party, compared with you just walking out on her and your family for another woman.

    I would view the starting of a new relationship whilst still being in your old relationship as being a totally selfish and unnecessary way to behave, to your current partner, to your children, and to any new partner. It says nothing good about you whatsoever. Culturally if you are in the UK and you are hoping to have a new relationship with a woman in the UK, society's moral expectation is that you will only be in one relationship at once, not lining your women up on a conveyor belt.
    Mmmmmmmmm - Yes this is a very didactic conservative anglo saxon (USA too) view - I suspect that you maybe a neo-conservative christian. Id be intereste in seiing your evidence of the views of the majoriy of people in the UK. Ive no intention of starting a conveyor belt of women. Ive neither the time nor inclincation. I just happen to have fallen for someone who isnt my partner. I do treat my partner with repect I spend my whole life attending to the needs of my parttner and three children. I do the bulk of the childcare actually because shes at work a lot. Throughout my life whenever I try to stand up for myself or think of myself at all i seem to get banged down - im vey upset by your remarks. Im extremely loving and caring patner and dad --I shoudnt rise to this stuff - you have a very simplistic world view.
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    End it lad... Stayin together through habbit isnt the way forward.. I was getting married and had bought a house and all... I met a guy some years before hand and never had the courage to leave the bf for him.. He was my one that got away... I didnt leave him and this guy met someone else and got engaged... three years later they finished and 1 year after that I got teh courage to leave.. Now? Now Im in my gorgeous cottage, with my little puppy and the one that got away? Hes sittin beside the fire and just made me toast.. Im lucky.. I got a second chance.. Do what you know is right.. Dont stay where you are because its handy
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Mmmmmmmmm - Yes this is a very didactic conservative anglo saxon (USA too) view - I suspect that you maybe a neo-conservative christian. Id be intereste in seiing your evidence of the views of the majoriy of people in the UK. Ive no intention of starting a conveyor belt of women. Ive neither the time nor inclincation. I just happen to have fallen for someone who isnt my partner. I do treat my partner with repect I spend my whole life attending to the needs of my parttner and three children. I do the bulk of the childcare actually because shes at work a lot. Throughout my life whenever I try to stand up for myself or think of myself at all i seem to get banged down - im vey upset by your remarks. Im extremely loving and caring patner and dad --I shoudnt rise to this stuff - you have a very simplistic world view.
    Excellent, we'll be fascinated to hear you justify how:
    - asking out another woman; and
    - talking about your partner in the way you have in this thread;
    is consistent with treating your partner with respect.

    Actually no, don't bother. I call troll on this one. Nobody could be this narcissistic outside of greek mythology.
    :troll:
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    despite my earlier comments about how you should leave and deserve to be happy ect I do agree with the poster saying you should end this relationship before making any attempts to start another one.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Mmmmmmmmm - Yes this is a very didactic conservative anglo saxon (USA too) view - I suspect that you maybe a neo-conservative christian. Id be intereste in seiing your evidence of the views of the majoriy of people in the UK. Ive no intention of starting a conveyor belt of women. Ive neither the time nor inclincation. I just happen to have fallen for someone who isnt my partner. I do treat my partner with repect I spend my whole life attending to the needs of my parttner and three children. I do the bulk of the childcare actually because shes at work a lot. Throughout my life whenever I try to stand up for myself or think of myself at all i seem to get banged down - im vey upset by your remarks. Im extremely loving and caring patner and dad --I shoudnt rise to this stuff - you have a very simplistic world view.
    I fail to see what is particularly neo-conservative Christian about having a problem with you trying to cheat on your wife/partner and the mother of your kids.

    In fact in this thread you barely mention your children at all. It's all about trying to hook up with another woman. Reassess your priorities, man.


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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yes I agree It was spineless and weak. Yes I do think Im having a crisis. Why was it "telling" not to mention the children in the first post? I didnt say I didnt like my partner - we have quite a lot in common and are good friends - shes my best friend in fact. I just said I never had any great romantic love or physical passion for her.

    The question was - should I stay in the relationship?
    There is no point staying with someone you have no feelings for, if someone has no feelings for you wouldn't you rather them be honest and tell you? I think you need to be honest with her and tell her.
 
 
 
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