Ex gets in contact after half a year, still missing me !?

I appreciate you taking time to read this, i'm so sorry its so long:

I was very attached to my ex, but not in love.. However, her feelings were much stronger. So, I broke up with her before things got to serious

We spoke throughout that year, as friends, but we started to argue. For, say, 5 hours a day (Imagine!)! :s I was always upset and she cried nearly every day!! :/

So, I skipped school for about two months, (to revise and study at my dream uni for a fresh start.. and avoid her) and cut contact with her (ignored her texts & blocked her on facebook). She would tell me she cried everyday, she felt suicidal (!!), she hates me for what I'd done, etc - but I just ignored her texts.. In about 2 months, she stopped texting, and that's all I heard of her.

6 months pass: I've started Uni and she's back in our hometown on a gap year. I see her on facebook under a new profile - she has a new bf (turns out to be a false alarm), I did feel down over that, but I eventually got over it; I had definitely moved on by this point. I unblocked her (old) profile, just because it felt silly to keep it that way to this day.

Today, 6 months since we last spoke, she Facebooks me saying she still misses me .... !! I thought about her occasionally, but was definitely over it all, and I've moved on plenty. Anyway, she soon says she hates my guts, i'm a horrible person, and ceasing all contact was unforgivable. I totally agreed, so, in the nicest way I could: I heard her out, I apologised sincerely (I've never been apologetic), and I asked if she would like to be friends again.

She rejected my apology flat out, she was clear that she'd never forgive me, and that what I did was unforgiveably horrible. She seemed to warm to the idea of being friends, but she mentioned that she just didn't trust me enough to try it out, which is very understandable, I guess.

Anyway, I feel so terrible about all that's happened, she seems upset to this day and she literally seems emotionally scarred! Our little chat was quite therapeutic for her though, it seemed.. Anyway, my questions are:

Am I a terrible person? Was what I did genuinely that awful? I was so apologetic, I couldn't have been more sorry, but then, maybe what I did was not worth forgiving? o.O What SHOULD I have done? :frown:

I need somebody else's perspective please! :/

Is it normal to miss someone for 6 months of no contact?! What is the normal timeframe for getting over somebody? I was so flattered to be missed, but I really just wanted her to be over me, and for what happened between us to have no bearing on how fulfilling and happy her current life should be, just for my conscience's sake I guess. :s

Reply 1

killa78

13

She sounds nuts, run while you can.

Reply 2

Spongebob'sPants

14

What Killa says.

You broke up with her, she persisted, you tried being friends, ended up arguing way too much and she clung onto you..

It may have been harsh, but probably the best for both of you in the long wrong.

No need to feel too guilty now...just move on...

Reply 3

Llewellyn_J

9

Many people need an extended period of zero contact to move on from an ex, including myself. There is nothing obvious from your post that you've done wrong. To be honest she just sounds a bit crazy, mate. Just leave it be. Trust us, some of us including myself have been there and done that. Just leaving it be and not giving it any more thought is the best way.

Reply 4

username912610

2

Lol mate just leave her.

Reply 5

Skyelight

1

I'm assuming that this relationship lasted more than at least half a year? What some guys don't understand is that some girls get a lot more attached a lot more quickly than they do. Before someone abuses the trust she places in someone (not meant as a dag at you btw, just the way she sees it), girls tend to be very trusting in their partners. They often get very attached and, at the back of their mind, they are probably imagining weddings and kids after a few months etc. It's just a natural part of being a girl (nesting and all, etc). I understand where she's coming from. Something that doesn't seem like much to one person can make another person suicidal. She probably felt as if she'd 'never be in love again' and similar feelings, she'd then miss you, then she'd be angry with you, then she couldn't care less, then she'll be indifferent. This can take up to a year or longer. With guys, this normally takes a few months tops. Give her time before you jump in.

You haven't done anything wrong (as long as you told her in person). Someone did this to me on the phone...not nice.
I wouldn't have blocked her, she'd have done that in time herself to get over you.
All I would say is, don't leave her with hope or in suspense if there isn't anything to hope for. If you give her hope then she'll start to believe she can get you back. If it takes ignoring her again then so be it. It'll be better for her in the long run, to find someone who'll love her instead of wishing after you for ages.

All I'd say is not to think she's crazy, she's just going through a tough time. Think about if you were completely in love with a girl and she dumped you out of the blue and how you'd react...it might give you a better idea of how she's feeling if you put yourself in her shoes :smile:

I hope it all goes well, more than welcome to PM me if you need more help :smile:

Reply 6

LJStudent

15

Get rid, she's dragging you down. My ex girlfriend was exactly the same.

Sex

she doesn't sound 'nuts', shes human and she clearly really cares about you just speak to her respectfully and be understanding of her feelings without leading her on

Reply 9

Crumpet1

19

It's deeply hurtful to be dumped at all, and you then went one step further and blocked her on everything. That was pretty mean and immature, and from your description it sounds as though that is what she remains angry about. Maybe take it as a lesson for the future that dumping and blocking/ceasing all contact don't have to go hand in hand ... and that the WAY in which you dump somebody can make a big difference in terms of how they cope with it and whether you leave them emotionally scarred.

Also, it sounds also as though all this happened in the middle of your A'levels, and you have subsequently gone on to university whilst she was an emotional wreck who has taken a gap year ... did what happened affect her A'level results? If yes that will have a very serious impact on her university and future chances which would in turn have made me pretty angry too, if I'd been her!

Anyway, what she needed to do was vent and take out her anger. You've had six months of getting over it and new experiences at university, while she's had six months of not being able to vent her anger. Now she's had the opportunity to do it and she's done so. Take it like a man.

(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 10

llys

17

I don't think you did anything wrong (except unblock her - that was an honest mistake). And I think if she persists in arguing with you now you should cut contact for good. She will get over it eventually.

(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 11

username1332537

12

Hello no you didn't do anything wrong. I was like this with my ex. The kindest thing to do is go no contact. She has to get over it if you speak to her she won't.

Reply 12

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by Crumpet1

It's deeply hurtful to be dumped at all, and you then went one step further and blocked her on everything. That was pretty mean and immature, and from your description it sounds as though that is what she remains angry about. Maybe take it as a lesson for the future that dumping and blocking/ceasing all contact don't have to go hand in hand ... and that the WAY in which you dump somebody can make a big difference in terms of how they cope with it and whether you leave them emotionally scarred.

Also, it sounds also as though all this happened in the middle of your A'levels, and you have subsequently gone on to university whilst she was an emotional wreck who has taken a gap year ... did what happened affect her A'level results? If yes that will have a very serious impact on her university and future chances which would in turn have made me pretty angry too, if I'd been her!

Anyway, what she needed to do was vent and take out her anger. You've had six months of getting over it and new experiences at university, while she's had six months of not being able to vent her anger. Now she's had the opportunity to do it and she's done so. Take it like a man.

Thanks (seriously) - I needed someone to tell me like it is! :/ I've had the means to move on easily, but I guess she hasn't.. And you're spot on: This could've affected her results (Thankfully, she seemed to have done really well! Although i'd like to point out staying friends would have been equally damaging to our studies, since we never had time or motivation to study because we argued constantly), and it's just such a hurtful way to have done it. I guess I had no idea, it was my first relationship, and if I knew this is what the impact would be, i'd have done things completely differently. :frown:

The surreal thing is we were together for just 2 months (but we were friends for like, 8 months after the breakup, but still we were arguing).. So I just got it into my head that stay "Being friends just perpetuates the feelings, no-contact is clearly the only way people move on".

But yeah, so that I never put anyone through this again, what is the most considerate and respectful way to breakup with someone please? For me, and I'd say for her too, staying friends just did not work, we were arguing all the time and both reaching breaking point! And clearly, ceasing contact was just too extreme.. :s

And to everyone who said she's crazy: I can see how it could sound that way because of the way i've told the story, but she really isn't! She's one of the nicest people i've ever had the pleasure of knowing! :/ Besides, when I think about it, I took a year to get over my first flame! My emotions weren't nearly as heavy as the girl I originally posted about, but after a year, I just wanted to see this first flame of mine one last time, and that was it, I could (and have) fully moved on.

Reply 13

Crumpet1

19

Original post by Anonymous

But yeah, so that I never put anyone through this again, what is the most considerate and respectful way to breakup with someone please?

I think the old saying "do as you would be done by" goes a long way here. Think in advance about how you would like to be dumped (if you had to be dumped) and what would make it bearable and what would make it worse.

Realistically it’s very difficult to break up with somebody perfectly – somebody has always reached the realisation that there should be a breakup before the other person. But how about these steps as a rough guide:

1. Pave the way. Send them a text or email in advance saying, “I think we should talk”. That way they are emotionally prepared for a serious conversation.

2. Hold that discussion in person, no more than a few hours after your text/email. Yes you want them to be emotionally prepared, but you’re not intending to torture them.

3. Explain up front that you think you should break up. Then sit down and have a final talk about that. It’s impossible to say what might be discussed in each situation, but if you have reasons then mention them without being mean. Ideally you won’t allocate blame or give reasons at all, but if pushed one approach would be to take the ‘sandwich’ approach (nice things, followed by the nasty thing, followed by more nice things). For example in your case you could have said, “I think you’re a wonderful kind person – I thought that at the start and I still think it. But we argue so much, and it’s such an emotional rollercoaster – I don’t find it fun or enjoyable and I don’t think that’s how a relationship is supposed to be. That’s not to say that both of us aren’t excellent partner material – because I’m sure we are – it’s just that we don’t seem to be good together. I’ve always found you [beautiful / kind / warm etc.] and those are attractive traits that I will really miss, and some other lucky guy will get to enjoy with you.”

4. Be prepared for emotion. Listen to what she has to say but don’t get into a fight about it – preserve your decorum. Anticipate that she will be upset. Don’t be hurtful yourself, and bring the conversation to a close if she starts to get hurtful in a way you can’t handle (remember you knew what the conversation was going to be about, so you should be willing and able to accept a bit of verbal punching, she’s only letting her emotions out).

5. If things go well, give her a hug and thank her for what you have learned together.

6. If things are still fraught, leave open the option to meet and hold another discussion later after emotions have calmed down. But that needs to be with a view to clearing the air emotionally, not so that one party can beg the other to change their mind.

7. Don’t have breakup sex. You need to be disentangling your emotional ties, not reinforcing them.

8. Not for you, but for others reading this thread ... if things get violent, get the hell out of there.

Reply 14

princewmk

I think relationship that you had the most fun n then moved on will kind of never die you know... I think if you still sort of feel the same after even though u both have new partner, you might quickly end up banging again non stop...am sure am not the only one who feels this way... :colone:

Reply 15

Midlander

19

Original post by Crumpet1

I think the old saying "do as you would be done by" goes a long way here. Think in advance about how you would like to be dumped (if you had to be dumped) and what would make it bearable and what would make it worse.

Realistically it’s very difficult to break up with somebody perfectly – somebody has always reached the realisation that there should be a breakup before the other person. But how about these steps as a rough guide:

1. Pave the way. Send them a text or email in advance saying, “I think we should talk”. That way they are emotionally prepared for a serious conversation.

2. Hold that discussion in person, no more than a few hours after your text/email. Yes you want them to be emotionally prepared, but you’re not intending to torture them.

3. Explain up front that you think you should break up. Then sit down and have a final talk about that. It’s impossible to say what might be discussed in each situation, but if you have reasons then mention them without being mean. Ideally you won’t allocate blame or give reasons at all, but if pushed one approach would be to take the ‘sandwich’ approach (nice things, followed by the nasty thing, followed by more nice things). For example in your case you could have said, “I think you’re a wonderful kind person – I thought that at the start and I still think it. But we argue so much, and it’s such an emotional rollercoaster – I don’t find it fun or enjoyable and I don’t think that’s how a relationship is supposed to be. That’s not to say that both of us aren’t excellent partner material – because I’m sure we are – it’s just that we don’t seem to be good together. I’ve always found you [beautiful / kind / warm etc.] and those are attractive traits that I will really miss, and some other lucky guy will get to enjoy with you.”

4. Be prepared for emotion. Listen to what she has to say but don’t get into a fight about it – preserve your decorum. Anticipate that she will be upset. Don’t be hurtful yourself, and bring the conversation to a close if she starts to get hurtful in a way you can’t handle (remember you knew what the conversation was going to be about, so you should be willing and able to accept a bit of verbal punching, she’s only letting her emotions out).

5. If things go well, give her a hug and thank her for what you have learned together.

6. If things are still fraught, leave open the option to meet and hold another discussion later after emotions have calmed down. But that needs to be with a view to clearing the air emotionally, not so that one party can beg the other to change their mind.

7. Don’t have breakup sex. You need to be disentangling your emotional ties, not reinforcing them.

8. Not for you, but for others reading this thread ... if things get violent, get the hell out of there.

Don't do it 4 times either!

Reply 16

donutaud15

22

it is normal to miss someone no matter how long it has been since the last contact but I think she should have already moved on a bit. I can understand her though, it sounds fairly traumatic for her.

I think there's two things you can do, either be cruel to be kind and cut all contact with her or just carry on talking to her until she's a bit better.

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