Breaking up with boyfriend when he relies on me so much
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Original post by iAmanze
The emotions linked to not wanting to hurt him in his 'fragile state/times'
That's just empathy- the same you'd feel for a man asking for money on the street. You'd want to help him, but, ultimately, its in his own hands. We have an old saying where I am from- "The saving of the drowning is in the hands of the drowning themselves." This quote applies very much here.
So he's 30 no job, let's you pay the rent.
Yet he would do anything for you.
What exactly?
Not get a job
Not grow up
Not offer support
He says everybody leaves him. ( Are you surprised?) He makes you feel bad.
He's lazy, emotionally manipulative, selfish.
Go. Be prepared for tears, cries of pain - he has no morals this man . He will do anything to work on you.
Be thankful you have not had a family with him. Can you imagine what sort of father he would be? He'll manipulate his children emotionally too and leave them confused and hurt. He will be a catastrophic role model.
Do not try and keep any sort of contact with him. He will wreck your life for years to come.
By leaving him you are doing him a favour, making him grow up and take responsibility for his own life, And about time too. Do not pick up with another lame duck like him.
I think you are correct about the dynamic of the relationship and it is corrosive - bad for him, bad for you.
He is exploiting your natural caring side and you are treating him as if he were your child. You've got your wires crossed.
You get an equal partner first, then the babies.
Yet he would do anything for you.
What exactly?
Not get a job
Not grow up
Not offer support
He says everybody leaves him. ( Are you surprised?) He makes you feel bad.
He's lazy, emotionally manipulative, selfish.
Go. Be prepared for tears, cries of pain - he has no morals this man . He will do anything to work on you.
Be thankful you have not had a family with him. Can you imagine what sort of father he would be? He'll manipulate his children emotionally too and leave them confused and hurt. He will be a catastrophic role model.
Do not try and keep any sort of contact with him. He will wreck your life for years to come.
By leaving him you are doing him a favour, making him grow up and take responsibility for his own life, And about time too. Do not pick up with another lame duck like him.
I think you are correct about the dynamic of the relationship and it is corrosive - bad for him, bad for you.
He is exploiting your natural caring side and you are treating him as if he were your child. You've got your wires crossed.
You get an equal partner first, then the babies.
Original post by DerMann
That's just empathy- the same you'd feel for a man asking for money on the street. You'd want to help him, but, ultimately, its in his own hands. We have an old saying where I am from- "The saving of the drowning is in the hands of the drowning themselves." This quote applies very much here.
If I felt empathy each time, I would be very broke right now. Empathy is an emotion, which backs up what I said previously. + I agree with the quote
Original post by pickup
He says everybody leaves him. ( 1.111Are you surprised?) He makes you feel bad.
He's lazy, emotionally manipulative, selfish.
He says everybody leaves him. ( 1.111Are you surprised?) He makes you feel bad.
He's lazy, emotionally manipulative, selfish.
Hahaha. Agreed. He's not better than those emotionally hurtful guys before, just in a different way.
Original post by iAmanze
If I felt empathy each time, I would be very broke right now. Empathy is an emotion, which backs up what I said previously. + I agree with the quote
Empathy doesn't necessarily mean you will help them. But then, money isn't the only thing you can do. Directing them to the nearest employment agency & free CV writing agency helps more-it places the tools for self improvement in their hands. Better even, than, perhaps, giving money.
Yes dump him definitely.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Posted from TSR Mobile
Thanks again for all the input
I guess when you're in a relationship it's sometimes hard to see what's happening so it really helps when others point it out to you - I guess I didn't realise how much he was taking me for a ride. He has done lots of great things for me though - cooked romantic dinners and even written and recorded a song for me, but the bad things have unfortunately started to overtake the good things
Some have said it's not fair that he's suggesting my money be used to buy more furniture, but I should've said it's actually money that my parents gave us for Xmas especially to buy flat things with. I think it's best to save it though as what if I suddenly lose my job and we need that money for rent (hopefully I won't lose my job anytime soon, but you never know...).
Some have asked what he's studied, but to be honest he's not even done his country's equivalent of A Levels :/. From what I understand he's done something similar which aren't recognised in the country we're living in now. I've told him often that he should go to an evening school and do his A Levels as that's probably one of the reason he's not getting a job, but he says he's too embarrassed as he's 'too old' to go back to school, sigh. He has a few translation courses under his belt, which is a good thing, but they aren't enough to get a good job as zillions of people are more qualified than him.
He's been applying for literally any job that will take him right now, most of which have been call centres, but a lot of the interviewers have pointed out that he's too shy and have gone for someone else instead. He's been to a few things run by the job centre about how to improve your CV and interview techniques, but I don't know if they've really helped him :/
He has an interview tomorrow so I REALLY hope it goes well.
I almost had the talk with him yesterday when he suddenly said 'I bet you don't find me attractive anymore' due to me being distant, but I just couldn't bring myself to say anything If we'd broken up yesterday we'd have to continue living together until he started getting an income which could be months and I couldn't imagine the tension of living together when we're not actually together...although to be honest it might not be that much different from how it is now, sigh
I guess when you're in a relationship it's sometimes hard to see what's happening so it really helps when others point it out to you - I guess I didn't realise how much he was taking me for a ride. He has done lots of great things for me though - cooked romantic dinners and even written and recorded a song for me, but the bad things have unfortunately started to overtake the good things
Some have said it's not fair that he's suggesting my money be used to buy more furniture, but I should've said it's actually money that my parents gave us for Xmas especially to buy flat things with. I think it's best to save it though as what if I suddenly lose my job and we need that money for rent (hopefully I won't lose my job anytime soon, but you never know...).
Some have asked what he's studied, but to be honest he's not even done his country's equivalent of A Levels :/. From what I understand he's done something similar which aren't recognised in the country we're living in now. I've told him often that he should go to an evening school and do his A Levels as that's probably one of the reason he's not getting a job, but he says he's too embarrassed as he's 'too old' to go back to school, sigh. He has a few translation courses under his belt, which is a good thing, but they aren't enough to get a good job as zillions of people are more qualified than him.
He's been applying for literally any job that will take him right now, most of which have been call centres, but a lot of the interviewers have pointed out that he's too shy and have gone for someone else instead. He's been to a few things run by the job centre about how to improve your CV and interview techniques, but I don't know if they've really helped him :/
He has an interview tomorrow so I REALLY hope it goes well.
I almost had the talk with him yesterday when he suddenly said 'I bet you don't find me attractive anymore' due to me being distant, but I just couldn't bring myself to say anything
If we'd broken up yesterday we'd have to continue living together until he started getting an income which could be months and I couldn't imagine the tension of living together when we're not actually together...although to be honest it might not be that much different from how it is now, sigh 
UPDATE
Well everyone, I did it...I broke up with him on Monday. I thought I would feel relieved knowing I was doing the right thing, but I feel so guilty knowing I've just caused someone so much pain. He was heartbroken and couldn't stop crying and saying 'this can't be happening, this is a bad dream!'. The thing is that I thought he would've seen it coming as we almost broke up a few months ago AND had an argument about money on Saturday and he admitted he wasn't happy in the relationship. This is when I decided to end it on Monday, knowing he wasn't happy either, but then I find out he meant he's just unhappy with our relationship right now because he doesn't have a job and he presumed that when he got one, everything would be fine again. For me, the job/money issue was just one of our many problems.
I know we've only been broken up 2 days, but tbh nothing has changed :/ We live together so are acting exactly the same as in he emails me at work asking what he should buy for dinner and we still give each other a goodbye hug when I go to work :/ H even asked if we can still go to dinner on Valentine's Day like we planned to. I know we have to get on as we have to live together until one or both of us move out, but it doesn't seem like much has changed seeing as we were practically living as friends before and are doing so now. He definitely knows it's over and has even told his family and friends. I just hope he doesn't think I'll change my mind.
Has anyone else been in this situation where they broke up after moving in together and how did it turn out?
Thanks for reading
Well everyone, I did it...I broke up with him on Monday. I thought I would feel relieved knowing I was doing the right thing, but I feel so guilty knowing I've just caused someone so much pain. He was heartbroken and couldn't stop crying and saying 'this can't be happening, this is a bad dream!'. The thing is that I thought he would've seen it coming as we almost broke up a few months ago AND had an argument about money on Saturday and he admitted he wasn't happy in the relationship. This is when I decided to end it on Monday, knowing he wasn't happy either, but then I find out he meant he's just unhappy with our relationship right now because he doesn't have a job and he presumed that when he got one, everything would be fine again. For me, the job/money issue was just one of our many problems.
I know we've only been broken up 2 days, but tbh nothing has changed :/ We live together so are acting exactly the same as in he emails me at work asking what he should buy for dinner and we still give each other a goodbye hug when I go to work :/ H even asked if we can still go to dinner on Valentine's Day like we planned to. I know we have to get on as we have to live together until one or both of us move out, but it doesn't seem like much has changed seeing as we were practically living as friends before and are doing so now. He definitely knows it's over and has even told his family and friends. I just hope he doesn't think I'll change my mind.
Has anyone else been in this situation where they broke up after moving in together and how did it turn out?
Thanks for reading
Original post by shawn_o1Break up with him NOW oh wait you already have,
he shouldn't rely on you, he needs to MAN up
he shouldn't rely on you, he needs to MAN up
Sexist gender norms.
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(I APOLOGIZE FOR THE TYPOS IN ADVANCE)
I may not know you personally, but I am extremely happy for you for breaking up with him and leaving. I am a 24yr old female and I have been in the same situation you are in with my boyfriend for 2years and I feel EXACTLY the same way you did before you broke up with your boyfriend. I too have broken up with him before because he wouldn't get himself together.(he also deals with anxiety/depression that's a whole nother story) And now that he quit his work at home job (he claims that he took a leave of absence but he didn't go to work for a whole month before he "left" (this has been the 3rd job he has quit/or fired) and I am just over it. I am not perfect and I am not posting his to make him look bad. I am simply a girl trying to get advice and see if I could make this relationship work. I am enrolled full time in cosmetology school, and trying to find a job to work around my schedule, but I also do hair and have a nice little clientele so that I have some sort of income. (I do not rely on my parents, haven't lived with teen since I was 18 we are on speaking terms but I would be sleeping on he couch if I lived with them) But at this point I'm not sure what to do. I applaud you for putting your foot down and not getting persuaded by his apologies and excuses. We live together right now as well and I have a few bills to pay before I can move on my own again. We had an apartment last year EVERYTHING was in MY NAME (he stated that he had a repo and a Verizon bill on his credit and was in fear we would not get approved, I decided to move in with him anyway because we both had full time jobs we were working for more than 5 months and finically stable. at that time and needed somewhere to stay) we got settled in & everything was going okay for a little while and then we almost broke up due to a few arguments. Eventually we got evicted because he couldn't keep a job and our rent was too much for me to handle on my own. Now we're living with his mother who basically makes excuses for his actions.(she gives him money he mooches from her and his grandmother or friends but his mother or me pay for majority of everything) he tires to act like its she is amazing and I appreciate her for giving me a place to stay, but I am ready to be in my own place again. But for he past few months he has been unemployed and not looking for a job. (He sits at home plays the game make beats) He basically has his mothers car and he takes me where I need to go because my license is suspended at the moment due to fines. So I am great full that he drives me where I need to go, but I would also like for him to focus on him and stop making excuses. Just last month he was suppose to start school he told me he did is financial aid and was waiting for it to be processed. He ended up going to NYC for thanksgiving to see his family and since he's been back he said he's not starting. So now I'm upset because I'm working towards a future and I feel that he is not. We lived in a apartment together and now I owe $4000 in back rent! I do NOT feel that I should pay this on my own. I wonder if I leave will he think that he won't have to help pay? Some days I'm happy and can see us working on things because he will start to do things that show me that he is trying, but other days I feel like he is slowly bringing me down. Unfortunately I can't talk to my friends or family because they simply don't understand what I'm going through. I NEED HELP!!!!!😢😢😢
I may not know you personally, but I am extremely happy for you for breaking up with him and leaving. I am a 24yr old female and I have been in the same situation you are in with my boyfriend for 2years and I feel EXACTLY the same way you did before you broke up with your boyfriend. I too have broken up with him before because he wouldn't get himself together.(he also deals with anxiety/depression that's a whole nother story) And now that he quit his work at home job (he claims that he took a leave of absence but he didn't go to work for a whole month before he "left" (this has been the 3rd job he has quit/or fired) and I am just over it. I am not perfect and I am not posting his to make him look bad. I am simply a girl trying to get advice and see if I could make this relationship work. I am enrolled full time in cosmetology school, and trying to find a job to work around my schedule, but I also do hair and have a nice little clientele so that I have some sort of income. (I do not rely on my parents, haven't lived with teen since I was 18 we are on speaking terms but I would be sleeping on he couch if I lived with them) But at this point I'm not sure what to do. I applaud you for putting your foot down and not getting persuaded by his apologies and excuses. We live together right now as well and I have a few bills to pay before I can move on my own again. We had an apartment last year EVERYTHING was in MY NAME (he stated that he had a repo and a Verizon bill on his credit and was in fear we would not get approved, I decided to move in with him anyway because we both had full time jobs we were working for more than 5 months and finically stable. at that time and needed somewhere to stay) we got settled in & everything was going okay for a little while and then we almost broke up due to a few arguments. Eventually we got evicted because he couldn't keep a job and our rent was too much for me to handle on my own. Now we're living with his mother who basically makes excuses for his actions.(she gives him money he mooches from her and his grandmother or friends but his mother or me pay for majority of everything) he tires to act like its she is amazing and I appreciate her for giving me a place to stay, but I am ready to be in my own place again. But for he past few months he has been unemployed and not looking for a job. (He sits at home plays the game make beats) He basically has his mothers car and he takes me where I need to go because my license is suspended at the moment due to fines. So I am great full that he drives me where I need to go, but I would also like for him to focus on him and stop making excuses. Just last month he was suppose to start school he told me he did is financial aid and was waiting for it to be processed. He ended up going to NYC for thanksgiving to see his family and since he's been back he said he's not starting. So now I'm upset because I'm working towards a future and I feel that he is not. We lived in a apartment together and now I owe $4000 in back rent! I do NOT feel that I should pay this on my own. I wonder if I leave will he think that he won't have to help pay? Some days I'm happy and can see us working on things because he will start to do things that show me that he is trying, but other days I feel like he is slowly bringing me down. Unfortunately I can't talk to my friends or family because they simply don't understand what I'm going through. I NEED HELP!!!!!😢😢😢
(edited 8 years ago)
I’m going through a similar situation as you. For me, my boyfriend is three states away from me (one of the few differences). He’s been kicked out by his stepfather without his mother’s approval almost a month ago (my boyfriend has no substance/drug abuse issues. It’s because he’s been jobless for 2 months straight and the stepfather wants his daughter to live at the home instead). His family (except the mom) doesn’t want anything to do with him. Ever since then he’s been asking me for money so he can be able to eat and have a place to stay (I can confirm that because he shows screenshots when he’s low— transactions were only food and place to sleep). What’s extremely difficult is that I’m an 18 year old college student and he’s a 23 year old with basic English (his mother tongue is Spanish), no high school diploma due to immigration, and very little knowledge about the US. He’s also struggling to find a job due to the strict check in time at the homeless shelter he’s staying in. Unfortunately he isn’t allowed to live with me because I’m still with my family. I don’t have a job either so I rely on multiple side gigs while juggling online classes.I quickly became exhausted because of it and feeling like I’m looking after someone rather than having a genuine relationship.So with hesitation, I gave him an ultimatum: “Get back on your feet within three months or we’re through.”I know that ultimatums have a bad rep because it’s mainly used as abuse and manipulation, but this is intended for him to get better and have no ill will. I wasn’t a fan of having to give him a final demand because I know that being homeless is a huge struggle (not to mention he’s also my best friend), but I felt like I didn’t have any other choices. Right now our relationship is very rocky and every now and then I have thoughts of meeting new people.That being said, maybe try an ultimatum with the intention of good and no ill will
I can so relate to all you've said, only I've been in this same situation for almost 18 years. We're not married and Phillip has worked a total of 3.5 years while the rest of the time, I've supported us both, plus my 2 kids before they grew up and moved out. For 7 years now, I've been a long haul truck driver in the US. He rides with me. He complains constantly about our lifestyle and we rarely have sex. I don't want to. I'm tired of the nonstop complaining. I earn $70k/ year, which is 4x what I ever earned before I got my truck driver's license. I don't have a college degree, in fact, I never finished high school. I currently save 1/2 of my income for retirement and I want to increase that to 75% but every time I bring it up, he yells at me. He says he'll leave and I say fine, where can I drop you off? He has no answer, only to call me a heartless *****. I feel so trapped by his dependency. So yeah. I can relate. My advice to you, only 1.5 years in, is to run. Do it now. Someday I hope that I will take my own advice.
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