What are the new dating rules?

I usually stick with 'I like to take my time. I hope you don't mind. I'd rather get to know you properly first'. Gives them an opportunity to clarify if they have timelines in their head. Most guys have been like 'no worries, I'll wait until your ready' and then when it happens, they say it was good to wait and felt better than other sex they'd had because there was more connection.


Posted from TSR Mobile

I'm in my mid-20s, and going on my fourth date tonight with a boy I met on Tinder. Each time, we've been for drinks, chatted non-stop, and then kissed on leaving, at which point he's always said how much he enjoyed the date and then tried to convince me to come home with him. I don't want to, because I don't yet feel entirely comfortable with him (three sets of drinks doesn't really mean you know someone!) and because I feel he may just be after one thing.

However, the dating rules seem to have changed and it seems now that boys (or at least boys in the country where I'm living) expect sex after the second or so date, and only after you've slept together do they begin considering taking the relationship to the next level of commitment.

So, my question is what should I do tonight? I like this boy and would like things to develop but don't want to leap into bed with him only for him to then disappear. Should I explain to him that I don't want to sleep with him yet or will this freak him out and maybe I'm think I want to marry him first or something?

I'm in my mid-20s, and going on my fourth date tonight with a boy I met on Tinder. Each time, we've been for drinks, chatted non-stop, and then kissed on leaving, at which point he's always said how much he enjoyed the date and then tried to convince me to come home with him. I don't want to, because I don't yet feel entirely comfortable with him (three sets of drinks doesn't really mean you know someone!) and because I feel he may just be after one thing.

However, the dating rules seem to have changed and it seems now that boys (or at least boys in the country where I'm living) expect sex after the second or so date, and only after you've slept together do they begin considering taking the relationship to the next level of commitment.

So, my question is what should I do tonight? I like this boy and would like things to develop but don't want to leap into bed with him only for him to then disappear. Should I explain to him that I don't want to sleep with him yet or will this freak him out and maybe I'm think I want to marry him first or something?

As people have said, the fact you met on a "hook up" up is probably going to change expectations.

As I see it, there's two main pressures on girls in these situations. You've got the pressure from the guy to have sex, and then the pressure from society not to, for risk of being seen as a "slut". The key is to try to ignore all of this, and to it when you want to, whether that's the first date or the twentieth.

I would definitely prefer you to be up front about this, say you need a few dates before you feel happy getting intimate with someone. I'd rather know up front nothing further will happen today, than feel cockteased, which is a horrible feeling.

If he likes you, he's gonna go a few more dates. The only time I'd feel really put off is if I felt the girl just wasn't having sex because she felt she shouldn't for a certain period of time, rather than just not feeling ready with me. I don't really want to date girls with a negative view on sex, or who use it as a method of control.

As people have said, the fact you met on a "hook up" up is probably going to change expectations.

As I see it, there's two main pressures on girls in these situations. You've got the pressure from the guy to have sex, and then the pressure from society not to, for risk of being seen as a "slut". The key is to try to ignore all of this, and to it when you want to, whether that's the first date or the twentieth.

I would definitely prefer you to be up front about this, say you need a few dates before you feel happy getting intimate with someone. I'd rather know up front nothing further will happen today, than feel cockteased, which is a horrible feeling.

If he likes you, he's gonna go a few more dates. The only time I'd feel really put off is if I felt the girl just wasn't having sex because she felt she shouldn't for a certain period of time, rather than just not feeling ready with me. I don't really want to date girls with a negative view on sex, or who use it as a method of control.

I don't think Tinder always has to be about sex at all. It's so popular that there are surely people on there looking for all sorts of things.

Don't feel pressured into sex, certainly not after two dates. If they can't keep it in their pants that long they're probably not worth you bothering with, it'll only end in tears. But also remember that having sex with a new person is always going to feel like a leap into the dark, if you hang around until you're 100% comfortable you'll be hanging around forever. It's plain as day when women are using sex as a way to control us, we just don't say anything because we like to get laid, and because we lack the vocabulary. So conversely if your reticence is due to not feeling ready we understand that.

As for making it explicit, actually saying "you're not getting any tonight pal, sorry", that seems a bit artificial and transactional for me. Pace Mankytoes above, I think up to a point men like being cockteased, especially if it's well done. (Sometimes it makes you mysterious, other times just annoying.) You have to have some theatre about the whole thing, especially when you don't really know each other, same goes for in bed and the date itself. Though if you are socially awkward maybe go the direct route.

Practical advice, I think you'll probably have to do it soon or risk him giving up on you. You could try limiting it to fingering and oral, I like to build things up over time like that personally. Would you feel more comfortable if you took the reins and brought him back to your place rather than the other way round? I think the more control you feel you have when it finally happens the better.

Oh wow, this is also really interesting, thank you! (NB tonight is date 4...)

Yes, you're right - I did think about building things up over time (because so far all we've done is kiss outside a bar) and you're right about the theatre of the thing, that's a very interesting point. Hmm, food for thought.

Would boys not feel cockteased, though, if a girl agrees to go home with them but then stops them going all the way?

The other 'complication' is that he lives with his parents, so I assume he wouldn't want us to go back to his place, and for me even the idea of bringing a guy back to my house feels intimate, in the sense that it's my bedroom, it's like showing off my personality, it's my private space etc etc. I'm probably overthinking things!

And by being up front, do you mean at the start of the date tonight saying something like 'I don't feel I know you well enough yet, but I'd like to keep on dating you, but if you just want casual sex then I won't judge you if you want to just end this now.' That kind of thing, or is that too forthright?