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What are the new dating rules? watch

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    I'm in my mid-20s, and going on my fourth date tonight with a boy I met on Tinder. Each time, we've been for drinks, chatted non-stop, and then kissed on leaving, at which point he's always said how much he enjoyed the date and then tried to convince me to come home with him. I don't want to, because I don't yet feel entirely comfortable with him (three sets of drinks doesn't really mean you know someone!) and because I feel he may just be after one thing.

    However, the dating rules seem to have changed and it seems now that boys (or at least boys in the country where I'm living) expect sex after the second or so date, and only after you've slept together do they begin considering taking the relationship to the next level of commitment.

    So, my question is what should I do tonight? I like this boy and would like things to develop but don't want to leap into bed with him only for him to then disappear. Should I explain to him that I don't want to sleep with him yet or will this freak him out and maybe I'm think I want to marry him first or something?
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    I usually stick with 'I like to take my time. I hope you don't mind. I'd rather get to know you properly first'. Gives them an opportunity to clarify if they have timelines in their head. Most guys have been like 'no worries, I'll wait until your ready' and then when it happens, they say it was good to wait and felt better than other sex they'd had because there was more connection.


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    There are rules??? :eek:
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    (Original post by whisper2012)
    I usually stick with 'I like to take my time. I hope you don't mind. I'd rather get to know you properly first'. Gives them an opportunity to clarify if they have timelines in their head. Most guys have been like 'no worries, I'll wait until your ready' and then when it happens, they say it was good to wait and felt better than other sex they'd had because there was more connection.


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    Hmm, thank you. I've already said this to him by text (to which he replied he didn't think he'd been in a rush, and then wondered why I liked to 'resist' the evident attraction between us) so maybe I need to say it to him in person.
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    If you're not ready then don't sleep with him :yy: I'd be absolutely gutted if I slept with someone and then they lost interest or disappeared. Just tell him you're not ready quite yet and would like to know him a bit better first.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm in my mid-20s, and going on my fourth date tonight with a boy I met on Tinder. Each time, we've been for drinks, chatted non-stop, and then kissed on leaving, at which point he's always said how much he enjoyed the date and then tried to convince me to come home with him. I don't want to, because I don't yet feel entirely comfortable with him (three sets of drinks doesn't really mean you know someone!) and because I feel he may just be after one thing.

    However, the dating rules seem to have changed and it seems now that boys (or at least boys in the country where I'm living) expect sex after the second or so date, and only after you've slept together do they begin considering taking the relationship to the next level of commitment.

    So, my question is what should I do tonight? I like this boy and would like things to develop but don't want to leap into bed with him only for him to then disappear. Should I explain to him that I don't want to sleep with him yet or will this freak him out and maybe I'm think I want to marry him first or something?
    Not true. I've prolonged sex for weeks with a man. Months and years, others. It's just Tinder; I hear it's for hookups. So yes, he's probably confused that it's been 4 dates already that he's waited.

    In any event, men will wait as long as you make them. It's up to you. No "rules."
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    This is great to know, thank you all! You've really reassured me. I like to think that if a boy is truly interested then he won't care how long he has to wait. I think tonight I'll reiterate in person what I've said by text: I'm attracted to you (i.e. I'm not 'rejecting' you by not sleeping with you) but I want to get to know you first. The fact we've only ever been for drinks puts me on my guard a bit too, tbh.
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    It's Tinder - sex! Been there, done that, unintentionally got the t shirt, it never works! Remain guarded and go with the glow!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm in my mid-20s, and going on my fourth date tonight with a boy I met on Tinder. Each time, we've been for drinks, chatted non-stop, and then kissed on leaving, at which point he's always said how much he enjoyed the date and then tried to convince me to come home with him. I don't want to, because I don't yet feel entirely comfortable with him (three sets of drinks doesn't really mean you know someone!) and because I feel he may just be after one thing.

    However, the dating rules seem to have changed and it seems now that boys (or at least boys in the country where I'm living) expect sex after the second or so date, and only after you've slept together do they begin considering taking the relationship to the next level of commitment.

    So, my question is what should I do tonight? I like this boy and would like things to develop but don't want to leap into bed with him only for him to then disappear. Should I explain to him that I don't want to sleep with him yet or will this freak him out and maybe I'm think I want to marry him first or something?
    As people have said, the fact you met on a "hook up" up is probably going to change expectations.

    As I see it, there's two main pressures on girls in these situations. You've got the pressure from the guy to have sex, and then the pressure from society not to, for risk of being seen as a "slut". The key is to try to ignore all of this, and to it when you want to, whether that's the first date or the twentieth.

    I would definitely prefer you to be up front about this, say you need a few dates before you feel happy getting intimate with someone. I'd rather know up front nothing further will happen today, than feel cockteased, which is a horrible feeling.

    If he likes you, he's gonna go a few more dates. The only time I'd feel really put off is if I felt the girl just wasn't having sex because she felt she shouldn't for a certain period of time, rather than just not feeling ready with me. I don't really want to date girls with a negative view on sex, or who use it as a method of control.
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    Isn't Tinder just a way of getting easy and quick sex? Maybe you should try find a guy not from Tinder that is looking for some commitment.
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    (Original post by Mankytoes)
    As people have said, the fact you met on a "hook up" up is probably going to change expectations.

    As I see it, there's two main pressures on girls in these situations. You've got the pressure from the guy to have sex, and then the pressure from society not to, for risk of being seen as a "slut". The key is to try to ignore all of this, and to it when you want to, whether that's the first date or the twentieth.

    I would definitely prefer you to be up front about this, say you need a few dates before you feel happy getting intimate with someone. I'd rather know up front nothing further will happen today, than feel cockteased, which is a horrible feeling.

    If he likes you, he's gonna go a few more dates. The only time I'd feel really put off is if I felt the girl just wasn't having sex because she felt she shouldn't for a certain period of time, rather than just not feeling ready with me. I don't really want to date girls with a negative view on sex, or who use it as a method of control.
    This is really helpful, thank you! Interesting to hear things from a guy's point of view, and I'll try and make it clear tonight that it's just I don't feel comfortable with him yet, rather than anything else.
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    I don't think Tinder always has to be about sex at all. It's so popular that there are surely people on there looking for all sorts of things.

    Don't feel pressured into sex, certainly not after two dates. If they can't keep it in their pants that long they're probably not worth you bothering with, it'll only end in tears. But also remember that having sex with a new person is always going to feel like a leap into the dark, if you hang around until you're 100% comfortable you'll be hanging around forever. It's plain as day when women are using sex as a way to control us, we just don't say anything because we like to get laid, and because we lack the vocabulary. So conversely if your reticence is due to not feeling ready we understand that.

    As for making it explicit, actually saying "you're not getting any tonight pal, sorry", that seems a bit artificial and transactional for me. Pace Mankytoes above, I think up to a point men like being cockteased, especially if it's well done. (Sometimes it makes you mysterious, other times just annoying.) You have to have some theatre about the whole thing, especially when you don't really know each other, same goes for in bed and the date itself. Though if you are socially awkward maybe go the direct route.

    Practical advice, I think you'll probably have to do it soon or risk him giving up on you. You could try limiting it to fingering and oral, I like to build things up over time like that personally. Would you feel more comfortable if you took the reins and brought him back to your place rather than the other way round? I think the more control you feel you have when it finally happens the better.
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    (Original post by Mankytoes)
    As people have said, the fact you met on a "hook up" up is probably going to change expectations.

    As I see it, there's two main pressures on girls in these situations. You've got the pressure from the guy to have sex, and then the pressure from society not to, for risk of being seen as a "slut". The key is to try to ignore all of this, and to it when you want to, whether that's the first date or the twentieth.

    I would definitely prefer you to be up front about this, say you need a few dates before you feel happy getting intimate with someone. I'd rather know up front nothing further will happen today, than feel cockteased, which is a horrible feeling.

    If he likes you, he's gonna go a few more dates. The only time I'd feel really put off is if I felt the girl just wasn't having sex because she felt she shouldn't for a certain period of time, rather than just not feeling ready with me. I don't really want to date girls with a negative view on sex, or who use it as a method of control.
    And by being up front, do you mean at the start of the date tonight saying something like 'I don't feel I know you well enough yet, but I'd like to keep on dating you, but if you just want casual sex then I won't judge you if you want to just end this now.' That kind of thing, or is that too forthright?
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    I don't believe they're rules that exist, as you say they do.

    If you're not ready then let him know, you don't have to do something you don't want to.

    If he genuinely likes you, he'll understand and you both can work together on getting to know each other.


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    (Original post by scrotgrot)
    I don't think Tinder always has to be about sex at all. It's so popular that there are surely people on there looking for all sorts of things.

    Don't feel pressured into sex, certainly not after two dates. If they can't keep it in their pants that long they're probably not worth you bothering with, it'll only end in tears. But also remember that having sex with a new person is always going to feel like a leap into the dark, if you hang around until you're 100% comfortable you'll be hanging around forever. It's plain as day when women are using sex as a way to control us, we just don't say anything because we like to get laid, and because we lack the vocabulary. So conversely if your reticence is due to not feeling ready we understand that.

    As for making it explicit, actually saying "you're not getting any tonight pal, sorry", that seems a bit artificial and transactional for me. Pace Mankytoes above, I think up to a point men like being cockteased, especially if it's well done. (Sometimes it makes you mysterious, other times just annoying.) You have to have some theatre about the whole thing, especially when you don't really know each other, same goes for in bed and the date itself. Though if you are socially awkward maybe go the direct route.

    Practical advice, I think you'll probably have to do it soon or risk him giving up on you. You could try limiting it to fingering and oral, I like to build things up over time like that personally. Would you feel more comfortable if you took the reins and brought him back to your place rather than the other way round? I think the more control you feel you have when it finally happens the better.
    Oh wow, this is also really interesting, thank you! (NB tonight is date 4...)

    Yes, you're right - I did think about building things up over time (because so far all we've done is kiss outside a bar) and you're right about the theatre of the thing, that's a very interesting point. Hmm, food for thought.

    Would boys not feel cockteased, though, if a girl agrees to go home with them but then stops them going all the way?

    The other 'complication' is that he lives with his parents, so I assume he wouldn't want us to go back to his place, and for me even the idea of bringing a guy back to my house feels intimate, in the sense that it's my bedroom, it's like showing off my personality, it's my private space etc etc. I'm probably overthinking things!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Oh wow, this is also really interesting, thank you! (NB tonight is date 4...)

    Yes, you're right - I did think about building things up over time (because so far all we've done is kiss outside a bar) and you're right about the theatre of the thing, that's a very interesting point. Hmm, food for thought.
    Yep. It is lovely feeling your relationship escalate like that and bonding slowly. There's always something over the hill to look forward to, and it helps you both learn about each other sexually, rather than rushing straight into the sex and then spending the next few months thinking of England while he pounds away. It also allows you to explore parts of your own sexuality which may have been neglected due to habit in a previous relationship.

    Would boys not feel cockteased, though, if a girl agrees to go home with them but then stops them going all the way?
    It depends what the guy wants, I guess. I don't think any non-douchebaggy guy is going to object if you say you'd rather build up slowly sexually. Going against my general point about cockteasing being about subtle hints, I think this is one where you'd have to spell it out.

    The other 'complication' is that he lives with his parents, so I assume he wouldn't want us to go back to his place, and for me even the idea of bringing a guy back to my house feels intimate, in the sense that it's my bedroom, it's like showing off my personality, it's my private space etc etc. I'm probably overthinking things!
    No I can understand that. Maybe a psychological routine like cleaning your room before the date could help? Similar to putting sexy pants on. Of course we all have different personalities but I do think in the event you would feel more comfortable on home turf. In the negative column I suppose you might feel like you can turn around and leave whenever at his place but at yours you have to make him leave.

    Still, you have to have sex eventually, and if his parents really are an obstacle surely it will have to be at yours anyway!
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    I honestly think that all of this a worry about rules stems from the fear that people have of being honest with a potential partner. We'll all told, consciously or sub-consciously, that dating is all about projecting the "best" you that you can, and that you need to be slightly coy in order to play the game properly. I say that's total nonsense. It took me until I was almost 26 to "successfully" date someone because before that I was too afraid that being totally honest about my fears and my reservations, and to be honest about myself in general, would put someone off. So I dated people but would always end it too soon because instead of being honest that I didn't want to be sexually intimate yet, I thought it was better to end things. I wasn't a virgin, but I didn't want to jump straight in to bed with people. Then I went the opposite way and had one night stands because dating scared me; and by that I mean being totally honest with someone scared me.

    Then 3 years ago I found someone who I was able to be completely honest with from the get go. and no, we didn't wait months to have sex, but just having that open and honest communication from the start made it so much easier to feel close to someone. My biggest advice to anyone when it comes to any dating issue like this is to be honest. Sure it might be hard, but it's going to make things easier in the long run. Either he's a stand up guy and he's willing to get to know you better before you have sex or he doesn't want that and you get off without having had to waste your time dating someone who doesn't share your view on things.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    And by being up front, do you mean at the start of the date tonight saying something like 'I don't feel I know you well enough yet, but I'd like to keep on dating you, but if you just want casual sex then I won't judge you if you want to just end this now.' That kind of thing, or is that too forthright?
    Personally I wouldn't be that explicit, I'd just say something like "I've always been someone who has to know a guy for a while before I do anything sexual". Also maybe say "I know some people just use Tinder for hook ups, but I was trying to find a boyfriend on there".
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    Have you had the ' what are you looking for? ' chat to make sure you're on the same page??
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    You gotta sing songs for the relation to be real:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mH3wtBeAkxc

    But nah, in truth, there aren't a set of "rules". Its just whatever makes both of you comfortable. Only take it to the next level if you're both happy with doing so.
 
 
 
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