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She cheated on me while drunk

MaroonWalnut

Fish food

(edited 5 years ago)

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Reply 1

C_tinie_D

If it was me, I'd leave her. Seems like theres nothing left to go back to but paranoia and anxiety. There are so many girls out there that won't get that "drunk" or put themselves in that situation.

Seems like you two are both young and have a few lessons/experiences to go through (not that this should happen in any case).

It might be hard to move on but think about how hard it would be to sit at home the next time she goes out to a party/club? This isn't just going to go away after she has a few nights out.

Reply 2

a.c.s_x

Original post by MaroonWalnut

So, me and this girl who have loved each other for the last three years and are so close its actually crazy have suddenly shattered. She is at uni and I am at home retaking a few A levels and going in September to a different Uni. We have always been totally dedicated and supportive of each other and felt like we were each others rock. A short time ago she went out to a party with some friends and we were texting lots of soppy stuff and she was going to call me and we were going to have that drunk lovey chat that im sure some of you are familiar with! She didnt call which was no issue as I assumed she was busy or something. The next morning she awoke with a huge hangover and was pretty sick and I woke up to some lovely texts from her. She then that morning told me how she may have kissed da guy who she regarded as a friend. I was pretty let down but its one small mistake so was prepared to move on if she was a bit more careful next time and I was glad she was honest. She didnt remember the night past a particular drink which is odd and kind of hints at spiking.... maybe I dont know about these things. Anyway she talked to the guy and people there and she actually started kissing him in front of everyone and (she doesnt remember) but he ended up ahem fingering her and there was a possible handjob but its very unlikley and almost certainly didnt happen. she told me this as soon as she found out and was really upset, confused and ashamed - she never wanted to be with anyone else. Its been about a week and she is home friday, I have been so upset all week and really struggled ot to think about it for more than a few minutes - I feel like my heart has broken, I cant believe she did this and didnt even think of me and stop at the time. We have talked a few times on skype and both got very upset and confused. It is clear that we still love each other and half of me wants to forgive and move on and half cant stop thinking about what she did and just breaking down constantly. although she was really drunk she still made the decision at the time to kiss and go into a room with him alone and this really upsets me and I feel like I cant trust her at all. Has anyone had a similar thing or got any advice? We are both very hurt and I have no trust but have no idea what to do.

If it's out of character for her to get that drunk to the point where she 'maybe, possibly, but doesn't know' that she gave a guy a handjob or not, then kiss make-up and never speak of it again.

If it's not out of character, i.e. she quite often gets really drunk to the point where she isn't in full control of her body, actions and what's happening around her then shame on her.

My boyfriend's at uni and Im not anymore, he's gotten so drunk that he's had to be carried home sometimes. But he knows when to call it a night, and knows not to go into his room with a girl who has no business being in that room. Same for this girl. Obviously if he was a 'friend' he would have took her to her room and left. But instead he fingered her first and then left. So if you do take her back you have to deal with knowing one of her guy friends, who she will end up seeing again as they are friends and go to the same uni, has had his finger in her vajayjay. Can you deal with that?

Being drunk really shouldn't be an excuse, or it shouldn’t be the only excuse. If her drink was spiked, her priority should have been to get to her room safely, without any action inbetween. And that should have been her 'friends' priority.

I hope you're a forgiving person but I also hope you aren't naive!

Reply 3

lou 22

Have not read your whole post but cheating is not acceptable, you should try to either forgive and forget or just forget her, I can see how it can happen but self control is needed, the whole relationship and dating game is mad. I have had the guys trying to get with me when I have said I am with someone or thought i was with someone but have turned them down politely as that is the kind of woman I am. I now though really want to cry.

Reply 4

SaucissonSecCy

Get rid. It's a slippery slope.

Reply 5

R0ckTillWeDr0p

I'll say what I always say... being drunk doesn't make you forget about someone, no matter how drunk you are, being 'drunk' isn't an excuse.

Reply 6

MaroonWalnut

Jfh hh

(edited 5 years ago)

Reply 7

Alaric III

Hard as it is to accept, for your own sanity you need to end it. Yeah, perhaps it was a mistake - but it shouldn't have happened in the first place. Alcohol removes your inhibitions, not control of your body. If she couldn't stop herself, then while she may love you it's highly likely to happen again. You don't need to forgive her and give her a second chance. There will be others for you. Don't worry, man and don't let this embitter you either.

Just focus on yourself and your retakes, and have fun along the way. Sometimes love just doesn't work out.

Reply 8

MaroonWalnut

Bb Bb

(edited 5 years ago)

Reply 9

MaroonWalnut

Kk kk

(edited 5 years ago)

Reply 10

MaroonWalnut

Original post by Alaric III

I myself know I would never do anything like this, the situations have arised and I havnt even considered it, it feels like if she really loved me it simply wouldnt have happened, I was the kind of person who would write it off after this but I really have so much feeling for her and am not sure what is better. Thank you, either way i will have to move on from it and I will lose her in some capacity - either short or long term.

Reply 11

MaroonWalnut

Original post by lou 22

I agree, although I struggle to see how no matter how much you trust a friend after kissing him why would you go into a room with him if you didnt want it to escelate... You want to cry?

Reply 12

C_tinie_D

Original post by MaroonWalnut

Thats what hurts so much, she has forsaken 3 years of awesomeness in a moment where I didnt even pop into her head, kinda tears my feelings.

Stay strong man, it hasn't killed you so you will be stronger in your next relationship or if you decide to stay in this current one. Just remember she was wrong not you, there was nothing you could do to prevent it. Bright side is that she didn't sleep with the guy, maybe you should ask her why that didn't happen? and go from her answer. I'm sure you have a thousand questions that you want to ask but don't want answered right now.

Reply 13

lou 22

Original post by MaroonWalnut

I agree, although I struggle to see how no matter how much you trust a friend after kissing him why would you go into a room with him if you didnt want it to escelate... You want to cry?

As I said never read your full story, but no kissing leads to touching so if there is no excuse even if she was drunk if she has that principal in her head she should not of let it get to that point.

Yep, I need a hug right now, the guy I truly truly truly liked has not long stomped on my heart or at least I feel that way as I was thinking that minus our distance we could be exclusive but he has been dating another female, I had a guy ask me on a date but I politely turned him down as I thought me and said above guy were more than we obviously were :frown:

Reply 14

R0ckTillWeDr0p

Original post by MaroonWalnut

Thats what hurts so much, she has forsaken 3 years of awesomeness in a moment where I didnt even pop into her head, kinda tears my feelings.

I kinda understand your pain man, I've been cheated on myself, but it's a lot better to tell yourself and to have the knowledge that it wasn't something you did wrong

Reply 15

automobile

I've been talking to a guy online we didn't label ourselves as exclusive or anything but on a night out when i was too v drunk a guy kissed me, I pulled away as I wasn't interested anyway but yh we are exclusive now so idk how things will go down when I'm next out because it is difficult to control yourself and know what your doing when your drunk but the fingering part idk I think even if your drunk you can tell the guy to stop.. and as it's her friend it's not as if he was going to force it upon her, if she would of said she was unhappy or didn't want that to happen i'm sure he would of respected her and left her alone.. personally if you truly are happy inlove and apart from that things are going well, i'd move on from it and see how things go in the future if anything happens again then that's when i'd say move on and leave her because that isn't love if she is willingly getting into these situations..

Reply 16

Northern Downpour

If she seems genuinely sorry and its out of character for her, perhaps say you need a bit of space to think about things. Give it some time and if you feel like you can give her a second chance then great, if not I guess you'll just have to move on.

Obviously the trust will take time to rebuild so tread carefully for the next few weeks. But idk I feel like its a bit extreme for anyone to say dump her immediately considering none of us really know how serious you guys are, and just the context of the whole thing but I guess everyone has different boundaries. For me the boundary would be if she'd slept with him, because even if she was going through a really tough time and her drink was spiked or whatever, any excuse just wouldn't cut it.
Maybe ask her if she was feeling lonely or emotional before or while she was drunk, whether she ever had feelings for that guy in the past etc. because it might help. Like if she doesn't communicate too well with you when she has stuff on her mind and you've talked about it in the past then you might feel like you've already tried to work on this problem and it clearly isn't getting better, and you can't give her another chance.

Reply 17

randdom

It is one of those situations where there isn't an easy answer. What is boils down to is two main things. Firstly do you think you could ever forgive her secondly do you want to. If the answer if no or unlikely to either of those questions then ending it now will probably save you both a lot of time and pain in the longer run.

If you can honestly answer yes to both of those questions and want to give it a shot then I would see her this weekend and have a sit down and open discussion about how you are both feeling. She needs to be honest about why this happened (and being drunk isn't really a reason) was she feeling unhappy about your relationship, was she feeling low because you were apart and most importantly does she or did she feel attracted to this guy. You both need to lay your cards on the table and be completely honest. If after that you still want to make a go of it to be honest what you need to focus on doing is forgiving her and moving on (which I know is easier said than done). You need to try to move forward as a couple (at a speed that you are happy with) and both need to make each other a priority for a bit.

I have seen couples who have got over infidelity in the past and while it is rarely quite the same as it was before that doesn't mean that it isn't a good and sometimes closer relationship.

I hope you are able to make a decision that you are happy with and I am sorry this has happened to you

Reply 18

KimHayHo

being 'drunk' isn't an excuse, 100%

Reply 19

kiki37

Even though it seems a long time, tell her you want a 6 month break. After my ex cheated on me I broke up with him and told myself if in 9 months I thought getting back with him seemed right, I would. I knew at that time my mind was all over the place and I couldn't make such a decision based on logic. 9 months later I was so certain I wanted nothing to do with him, I had began talking to my current boyfriend and my life is fabulous. I'm so glad I didn't just take him back because I was heartbroken. If you don't think she'll wait 6 months, then clearly she isn't worth it anyway.