I am a ‘Muslim’ girl but my BF is not...
Alright...
I put Muslim in quotations because I’m agnostic myself but Muslim on paper.
So summer 2019 I started to fall in a guy I met online. We first spoke as friends but over time I fell in love with him. He’s European so white and lives very far from me in Scotland and I live in London. So we have an online relationship basically- I’ve never met him. We’ve been together around a year. And before you say you can’t love someone you’ve never met and I would’ve agreed with you but this guy is different. He is my perfect guy personality wise, what he wants out of life, his morals etc. He ticks every single of my boxes. For example, he’s white and not religious but doesn’t drink, smoke, go partying which are some of the few boxes he ticks.
We’ve spoken on the phone many times and honestly I truly love him. We’re even planning on meeting after the coronavirus **** is over before we hopefully move in together permanently which is minimum 4 years because (im 19 he’s 21 btw) I’m starting University this year after my gap year finishes and he’s already on his 3rd year at uni. My course takes 4 years to complete so if I do live with him in Scotland I would actually have to finish uni first.
The problem is my family. They are very strict Muslims. Like my sister (who got married at 32) got married to a Turkish guy (who was Muslim), my family especially my Dad completely disowned her to the extent my dad was about to beat her up because even though he was Muslim he wasn’t Afghan. It’s been 3 years and I haven’t seen my sister because dad threatened us that we can’t have ANY contact with her.
My family don’t really care for my true happiness. They said to my sister they don’t care if she would be miserable with an Afghan guy, if she married even a non-Afghan Muslim guy, their ‘reputation’ would be tarnished.
That’s all my family care about and what’s really important to them- reputation.
And also family life hasn’t been great, they are very emotionally abusive me, used to be physically abusive but not as much.
When I told some of my family members that I don’t know if I believe in god, my brother literally locked me in the room and told me to say I Believe in god or else he would disown me.
There are many reasons as to why I want to move out to Scotland with my bf. Not just for him, but I’m NEVER going to marry an Afghan for many many reasons. Family tell me If you don’t marry an Afghan then I can’t marry anyone my whole life else I would be a kafir. I can’t call myself a Muslim either because my belief in god is very very weak and I’m trying to force myself to believe but I can’t. If I was fully religious I would have chosen religion over BF but I’m not.
If that’s how my dad and family reacted to my sister marrying a Muslim non afghani guy, I’m worried to death how they would react to when I eventually tell them. I’m frightened, would they kill me I don’t know.
And if for whatever reason it doesn’t work out with my BF to can’t go back to my family.
And if you guys are worried about our kids. I don’t ever want kids anyway, my bf isn’t sure if he wants them eventually but he says he would never break up with me if I wanted them.
After finishing uni would I have to find a job in Scotland or something? I’m worried I won’t be able to financially sustain myself, there’s just so many thoughts.
I just know that if I stay with my family forever, I will never marry and Afghan and then they won’t allow me to marry anyone- and I can’t do that, I want to marry someone so there would be issues.
I’m just not that kind of Muslim girl that’s like ‘I don’t give a **** it’s my life I can do what I want’
I never expected this boy to come into my life, but I love him unconditionally, I want him.
What should I do
I put Muslim in quotations because I’m agnostic myself but Muslim on paper.
So summer 2019 I started to fall in a guy I met online. We first spoke as friends but over time I fell in love with him. He’s European so white and lives very far from me in Scotland and I live in London. So we have an online relationship basically- I’ve never met him. We’ve been together around a year. And before you say you can’t love someone you’ve never met and I would’ve agreed with you but this guy is different. He is my perfect guy personality wise, what he wants out of life, his morals etc. He ticks every single of my boxes. For example, he’s white and not religious but doesn’t drink, smoke, go partying which are some of the few boxes he ticks.
We’ve spoken on the phone many times and honestly I truly love him. We’re even planning on meeting after the coronavirus **** is over before we hopefully move in together permanently which is minimum 4 years because (im 19 he’s 21 btw) I’m starting University this year after my gap year finishes and he’s already on his 3rd year at uni. My course takes 4 years to complete so if I do live with him in Scotland I would actually have to finish uni first.
The problem is my family. They are very strict Muslims. Like my sister (who got married at 32) got married to a Turkish guy (who was Muslim), my family especially my Dad completely disowned her to the extent my dad was about to beat her up because even though he was Muslim he wasn’t Afghan. It’s been 3 years and I haven’t seen my sister because dad threatened us that we can’t have ANY contact with her.
My family don’t really care for my true happiness. They said to my sister they don’t care if she would be miserable with an Afghan guy, if she married even a non-Afghan Muslim guy, their ‘reputation’ would be tarnished.
That’s all my family care about and what’s really important to them- reputation.
And also family life hasn’t been great, they are very emotionally abusive me, used to be physically abusive but not as much.
When I told some of my family members that I don’t know if I believe in god, my brother literally locked me in the room and told me to say I Believe in god or else he would disown me.
There are many reasons as to why I want to move out to Scotland with my bf. Not just for him, but I’m NEVER going to marry an Afghan for many many reasons. Family tell me If you don’t marry an Afghan then I can’t marry anyone my whole life else I would be a kafir. I can’t call myself a Muslim either because my belief in god is very very weak and I’m trying to force myself to believe but I can’t. If I was fully religious I would have chosen religion over BF but I’m not.
If that’s how my dad and family reacted to my sister marrying a Muslim non afghani guy, I’m worried to death how they would react to when I eventually tell them. I’m frightened, would they kill me I don’t know.
And if for whatever reason it doesn’t work out with my BF to can’t go back to my family.
And if you guys are worried about our kids. I don’t ever want kids anyway, my bf isn’t sure if he wants them eventually but he says he would never break up with me if I wanted them.
After finishing uni would I have to find a job in Scotland or something? I’m worried I won’t be able to financially sustain myself, there’s just so many thoughts.
I just know that if I stay with my family forever, I will never marry and Afghan and then they won’t allow me to marry anyone- and I can’t do that, I want to marry someone so there would be issues.
I’m just not that kind of Muslim girl that’s like ‘I don’t give a **** it’s my life I can do what I want’
I never expected this boy to come into my life, but I love him unconditionally, I want him.
What should I do
Scroll to see replies
*he would never break up with me if I didn’t want them
I'm a white person in a non-religious family, but most of my close friends are Asians, of many faiths, and I have heard so many similar stories to yours and it's heart-breaking. Honestly, I know I can't talk since I'm not in your position, but honestly this older generation with their backward views need to be put in check. If they have to be without any of their daughters because of their disgusting view on the world then honestly they can suck it. You should be able to do what's right for you, this "family reputation" nonsense just shows how insecure your parents are.
Of course, you mustn't mention anything to them for many many years. You need to be financially independent and out of harms way before doing anything like that. Do you ever talk to your sister? Do your parents go through your phone? If you think you won't get caught, maybe see if you can talk to her about it????
Honestly bless you I'm so sorry you have to deal with your parents bull**** traditional views.
Of course, you mustn't mention anything to them for many many years. You need to be financially independent and out of harms way before doing anything like that. Do you ever talk to your sister? Do your parents go through your phone? If you think you won't get caught, maybe see if you can talk to her about it????
Honestly bless you I'm so sorry you have to deal with your parents bull**** traditional views.
Original post by randomsheep11
I'm a white person in a non-religious family, but most of my close friends are Asians, of many faiths, and I have heard so many similar stories to yours and it's heart-breaking. Honestly, I know I can't talk since I'm not in your position, but honestly this older generation with their backward views need to be put in check. If they have to be without any of their daughters because of their disgusting view on the world then honestly they can suck it. You should be able to do what's right for you, this "family reputation" nonsense just shows how insecure your parents are.
Of course, you mustn't mention anything to them for many many years. You need to be financially independent and out of harms way before doing anything like that. Do you ever talk to your sister? Do your parents go through your phone? If you think you won't get caught, maybe see if you can talk to her about it????
Honestly bless you I'm so sorry you have to deal with your parents bull**** traditional views.
Of course, you mustn't mention anything to them for many many years. You need to be financially independent and out of harms way before doing anything like that. Do you ever talk to your sister? Do your parents go through your phone? If you think you won't get caught, maybe see if you can talk to her about it????
Honestly bless you I'm so sorry you have to deal with your parents bull**** traditional views.
No you raise great points.
Did I say my brother married a white non Muslim girl they couldn’t give a ****, they even allowed her in the house and were 100% accepting. Do you know why?
Because in Islam men are able to marry non Muslim girls but woman aren’t allowed to marry non Muslim guys
The sexism sickens me honestly
Family doesn’t truly care about you if reputation and what the Afghan community thinks of them. When I told my mum I don’t want to marry an Afghan she told me to put reputation first and how they would feel if the families reputation gets ruined- it would kill them inside according to them.
My mums even telling me if I marry a kafir (non Muslim) she would have a heart attack and so would my dad because they are both old. Emotional manipulation.
No no contact with my sister- nothing.
See yourre right and that’s what I’m worried about. For me to be financially stable I would need to start working that would be after 4 years minumum. My BF said that even waiting 4 years to permanently be with me I still long enough and even more years it would be hard for him, he says for me an inline relationship for that long would be completely fine but for him it would be very hard- I totally understand where he’s coming from
I’m just in such a predicament 😣😔😖
If your BF isn't a 'Muslim' girl, what kind of girl is your Best Friend?
Original post by awkwardshortguy
If your BF isn't a 'Muslim' girl, what kind of girl is your Best Friend?
Sorry realised the Q wasn’t worded greatly 😂
He’s non-Muslim and Male and my boyfriend
Original post by Anonymous
No you raise great points.
Did I say my brother married a white non Muslim girl they couldn’t give a ****, they even allowed her in the house and were 100% accepting. Do you know why?
Because in Islam men are able to marry non Muslim girls but woman aren’t allowed to marry non Muslim guys
The sexism sickens me honestly
Family doesn’t truly care about you if reputation and what the Afghan community thinks of them. When I told my mum I don’t want to marry an Afghan she told me to put reputation first and how they would feel if the families reputation gets ruined- it would kill them inside according to them.
My mums even telling me if I marry a kafir (non Muslim) she would have a heart attack and so would my dad because they are both old. Emotional manipulation.
No no contact with my sister- nothing.
See yourre right and that’s what I’m worried about. For me to be financially stable I would need to start working that would be after 4 years minumum. My BF said that even waiting 4 years to permanently be with me I still long enough and even more years it would be hard for him, he says for me an inline relationship for that long would be completely fine but for him it would be very hard- I totally understand where he’s coming from
I’m just in such a predicament 😣😔😖
Did I say my brother married a white non Muslim girl they couldn’t give a ****, they even allowed her in the house and were 100% accepting. Do you know why?
Because in Islam men are able to marry non Muslim girls but woman aren’t allowed to marry non Muslim guys
The sexism sickens me honestly
Family doesn’t truly care about you if reputation and what the Afghan community thinks of them. When I told my mum I don’t want to marry an Afghan she told me to put reputation first and how they would feel if the families reputation gets ruined- it would kill them inside according to them.
My mums even telling me if I marry a kafir (non Muslim) she would have a heart attack and so would my dad because they are both old. Emotional manipulation.
No no contact with my sister- nothing.
See yourre right and that’s what I’m worried about. For me to be financially stable I would need to start working that would be after 4 years minumum. My BF said that even waiting 4 years to permanently be with me I still long enough and even more years it would be hard for him, he says for me an inline relationship for that long would be completely fine but for him it would be very hard- I totally understand where he’s coming from
I’m just in such a predicament 😣😔😖
Not gonna lie, I have heard of many of these Asian/middle eastern parents say that they will "have a heart attack" if their child didn't marry someone of the same nationality. I guess it's a pretty common tactic that these idiots use???
And yes the sexism is so appalling. I'm personally not a feminist (as I believe in western culture we have general equality) but you can bet me that hearing about how women are treated in these toxic cultures sickens me and makes me want to do something about it!
I'm so sorry to hear that you can't contact your sister at all
All you can do now is wait and keep quiet about it for a few years, hopefully move up to Scotland with your boyfriend (I'm hoping you're going to a university in Scotland, or at least far away from your family).
Original post by Anonymous
No you raise great points.
Did I say my brother married a white non Muslim girl they couldn’t give a ****, they even allowed her in the house and were 100% accepting. Do you know why?
Because in Islam men are able to marry non Muslim girls but woman aren’t allowed to marry non Muslim guys
The sexism sickens me honestly
Family doesn’t truly care about you if reputation and what the Afghan community thinks of them. When I told my mum I don’t want to marry an Afghan she told me to put reputation first and how they would feel if the families reputation gets ruined- it would kill them inside according to them.
My mums even telling me if I marry a kafir (non Muslim) she would have a heart attack and so would my dad because they are both old. Emotional manipulation.
No no contact with my sister- nothing.
See yourre right and that’s what I’m worried about. For me to be financially stable I would need to start working that would be after 4 years minumum. My BF said that even waiting 4 years to permanently be with me I still long enough and even more years it would be hard for him, he says for me an inline relationship for that long would be completely fine but for him it would be very hard- I totally understand where he’s coming from
I’m just in such a predicament 😣😔😖
Did I say my brother married a white non Muslim girl they couldn’t give a ****, they even allowed her in the house and were 100% accepting. Do you know why?
Because in Islam men are able to marry non Muslim girls but woman aren’t allowed to marry non Muslim guys
The sexism sickens me honestly
Family doesn’t truly care about you if reputation and what the Afghan community thinks of them. When I told my mum I don’t want to marry an Afghan she told me to put reputation first and how they would feel if the families reputation gets ruined- it would kill them inside according to them.
My mums even telling me if I marry a kafir (non Muslim) she would have a heart attack and so would my dad because they are both old. Emotional manipulation.
No no contact with my sister- nothing.
See yourre right and that’s what I’m worried about. For me to be financially stable I would need to start working that would be after 4 years minumum. My BF said that even waiting 4 years to permanently be with me I still long enough and even more years it would be hard for him, he says for me an inline relationship for that long would be completely fine but for him it would be very hard- I totally understand where he’s coming from
I’m just in such a predicament 😣😔😖
No offence to your fam,but how the hell they let your bro marry a white woman and your sis isnt allowed to marry A turkish MUSLIM man. thats so so so very stupid smh, also in Islam you're allowed to marry any race, in fact what your family is doing is haram since they're saying your a kafir for not wanting to marry an afghan guy, and are basically establishing their own type of haram. good luck to you sis i hope everything works out for you, im not sure on what advice to give other than le A V e your house if possible because honestly you'd rather be happy and living your best life with your bf rather than stay in a toxic household where you feel trapped, which could probably lead to depression
I am in the exact situation as you. I am a 19 year old afghan muslim girl who is in love with a 22 year old european. My parents will never let me marry a non afghan let alone a non muslim.
My mom found out about him and it was horrible. She said I can't ever talk to him again, because just like you parents, my parents care about reputation only. I will never marry anyone else because I am deeply in love with my boyfriend and he is the only one for me.
The only thing you can do is be financially independent and run away to scotland before your parents find out. Unless you're the same as me and you don't want to be on bad terms with your family. I've started an online business that's working out for me, but I don't want to run, because I don't want to be on bad terms with them.
Oh, and just like you, I never expected a boy to come into my life like this. It's a horrible situation but I'm in it with you.
My mom found out about him and it was horrible. She said I can't ever talk to him again, because just like you parents, my parents care about reputation only. I will never marry anyone else because I am deeply in love with my boyfriend and he is the only one for me.
The only thing you can do is be financially independent and run away to scotland before your parents find out. Unless you're the same as me and you don't want to be on bad terms with your family. I've started an online business that's working out for me, but I don't want to run, because I don't want to be on bad terms with them.
Oh, and just like you, I never expected a boy to come into my life like this. It's a horrible situation but I'm in it with you.
Also, did you facetime your bf to make sure hes not a catfish or something?
Original post by Anonymous
No offence to your fam,but how the hell they let your bro marry a white woman and your sis isnt allowed to marry A turkish MUSLIM man. thats so so so very stupid smh, also in Islam you're allowed to marry any race, in fact what your family is doing is haram since they're saying your a kafir for not wanting to marry an afghan guy, and are basically establishing their own type of haram. good luck to you sis i hope everything works out for you, im not sure on what advice to give other than le A V e your house if possible because honestly you'd rather be happy and living your best life with your bf rather than stay in a toxic household where you feel trapped, which could probably lead to depression
PRSOM.
kids are a lot of work girl so don't have kids cos i regret having them!!! go chase your prince xx
OMG you want some of that harami salami 
gunna do the cyber nasty I bet
gunna do the cyber nasty I bet
Original post by londonmyst
PRSOM.
are you hacking me
Absolutely shocking to hear. I’ve been brought up in a Muslim house and I thought my parents were strict, but this is f*cking ridiculous.
My suggestion: your parents can do one. It’s a terrible thing to say and I don’t recall saying that about anybody’s parents ever but if they’re willing to disown their own daughter solely because of the race of her husband, that is seriously messed up and backwards.
But yeah, you need to focus on yourself and what’s best for you. I’ve been dating a white girl for almost 3 years now and although my parents are no where near as strict as yours about these things, I haven’t been able to tell them I’m in a relationship. I’m (hopefully) off to uni this year so you’re in the same boat as me and honestly I think the best option is to do as you please. If you find a Muslim afghan man then that’s great. If not, then brilliant 🤣 invite your parents to your wedding, if they don’t come then it’s their loss. That’s my plan anyway. Bottom line is it’s your life and you deserve to be happy. Good luck and take care
My suggestion: your parents can do one. It’s a terrible thing to say and I don’t recall saying that about anybody’s parents ever but if they’re willing to disown their own daughter solely because of the race of her husband, that is seriously messed up and backwards.
But yeah, you need to focus on yourself and what’s best for you. I’ve been dating a white girl for almost 3 years now and although my parents are no where near as strict as yours about these things, I haven’t been able to tell them I’m in a relationship. I’m (hopefully) off to uni this year so you’re in the same boat as me and honestly I think the best option is to do as you please. If you find a Muslim afghan man then that’s great. If not, then brilliant 🤣 invite your parents to your wedding, if they don’t come then it’s their loss. That’s my plan anyway. Bottom line is it’s your life and you deserve to be happy. Good luck and take care
Original post by mueed007
Absolutely shocking to hear. I’ve been brought up in a Muslim house and I thought my parents were strict, but this is f*cking ridiculous.
My suggestion: your parents can do one. It’s a terrible thing to say and I don’t recall saying that about anybody’s parents ever but if they’re willing to disown their own daughter solely because of the race of her husband, that is seriously messed up and backwards.
But yeah, you need to focus on yourself and what’s best for you. I’ve been dating a white girl for almost 3 years now and although my parents are no where near as strict as yours about these things, I haven’t been able to tell them I’m in a relationship. I’m (hopefully) off to uni this year so you’re in the same boat as me and honestly I think the best option is to do as you please. If you find a Muslim afghan man then that’s great. If not, then brilliant 🤣 invite your parents to your wedding, if they don’t come then it’s their loss. That’s my plan anyway. Bottom line is it’s your life and you deserve to be happy. Good luck and take care
My suggestion: your parents can do one. It’s a terrible thing to say and I don’t recall saying that about anybody’s parents ever but if they’re willing to disown their own daughter solely because of the race of her husband, that is seriously messed up and backwards.
But yeah, you need to focus on yourself and what’s best for you. I’ve been dating a white girl for almost 3 years now and although my parents are no where near as strict as yours about these things, I haven’t been able to tell them I’m in a relationship. I’m (hopefully) off to uni this year so you’re in the same boat as me and honestly I think the best option is to do as you please. If you find a Muslim afghan man then that’s great. If not, then brilliant 🤣 invite your parents to your wedding, if they don’t come then it’s their loss. That’s my plan anyway. Bottom line is it’s your life and you deserve to be happy. Good luck and take care
It's not gonna be that easy for her...
Don't worry.
Try to save up as much money as you can, so that when you are finished at uni you will be able to leave and never have to suffer your parent's vitriol again. For your own happiness and sanity.
This type of closed minded xenophobic behaviour is based on a toxic mix of tribalism and family tradition.
My mother's family were even worse than your parents, made her childhood a misery and almost beat her to death when she decided to marry an atheist.
Different era, nationality and religion.
But same old vicious hatred and bullying.
Good luck!
Try to save up as much money as you can, so that when you are finished at uni you will be able to leave and never have to suffer your parent's vitriol again. For your own happiness and sanity.
This type of closed minded xenophobic behaviour is based on a toxic mix of tribalism and family tradition.
My mother's family were even worse than your parents, made her childhood a misery and almost beat her to death when she decided to marry an atheist.
Different era, nationality and religion.
But same old vicious hatred and bullying.
Good luck!
Original post by Anonymous
are you hacking me
PRSOM
(Please Rate Some Other Member)
Commonly used on TSR (the student room) when you want to rep (give reputation points) to someone but the server rejects your request as you are not allowed to rep the same person twice in too short a period.
https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=PRSOM&defid=5932112
Original post by Anonymous
It's not gonna be that easy for her...
Why not ? I’ve re read the original comment and all I’m seeing that’s stopping her from leaving is her relationship with her parents ? She’s said herself her parents don’t care about her emotional (and physical) well being, so it literally is a matter of just leaving and not looking back.
If I’ve missed an important bit of information then my bad but honestly university is the best opportunity you have to leave that toxic place.
Astagfirullah, I won't judge.
All I'll say is get some advice from an Imaam because I know - and can guarantee you - that the Quran condones this type of forceful selective marriage by parents.
All I'll say is get some advice from an Imaam because I know - and can guarantee you - that the Quran condones this type of forceful selective marriage by parents.
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