my bf doesn’t think i put enough effort into the relationship

I do hold my hands up that i have come across as not putting in effort even though deep down. The other reasons as to why it seemed like I didn’t put effort in is because there were genuine reasons as to why but he took that as not effort. We both view our efforts differently. I can handle not seeing each other for periods of time but i need constant communication and small things like making sure you show me off a bit. When his is me travelling distances to see him. His house makes me uncomfortable and although i genuinely enjoy his company i just don’t like being there and need my space sometimes and he doesn’t understand that. How do I apologise to him because this is is like 3rd time now

If I was in his shoes I would be frustrated too. This isn't a good reason to not make the effort to spend time together in person. Identify what it is about his house makes you uncomfortable and communicate that to him so that he can make adjustments to accommodate you better.

(edited 1 year ago)

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by 1582

If I was in his shoes I would be frustrated too. This isn't a good reason to not make the effort to spend time together in person. Identify what it is about his house makes you uncomfortable and communicate that to him so that he can make adjustments to accommodate you better.

i honestly just need my space sometimes, he’s messy and this isn’t something that can just change over night, the shower makes me feel uncomfortable because it just clogs and like i don’t know what other people are doing in there whereas i’m just used to being at home

Original post by Anonymous

i honestly just need my space sometimes, he’s messy and this isn’t something that can just change over night, the shower makes me feel uncomfortable because it just clogs and like i don’t know what other people are doing in there whereas i’m just used to being at home

Again, these don't sound like good reasons. They all have solutions.

Need space -> go to another room or go outside for a walk. Or put on some noise cancelling headphones and do your own thing for a little while if it is more mental than physical. Communicate that you just need an hour or two on your own. E.g. I'm posting this from the bathtub while my girlfriend is in the bedroom playing video games.

Messy -> communicate that the mess is a factor and that if you're coming to visit he needs to make an effort to tidy up a little bit. Before I moved in with my partner, she would make an effort to give things a quick clean on nights I was coming up because she knew it bothered me. If I was staying a few nights and she had work then I'd clean while she was out.

Shower clogs -> tell him to call his landlord or a plumber or to try and fix it himself?

Don't use these things as excuses not to spend time together. You need to find solutions and implement them if you want your relationship to work. If you can physically spend time together then you should be making that happen - text and phone call only relationships are for people who physically cannot see each other often. Most people would not pick that over spending time together in person and, honestly, you're likely to find that this issue is one that will escalate to the point of him eventually getting fed-up and breaking up with you. This is because avoiding going to his house makes it look as though you do not care enough and that you are not prepared to put in the effort.