Bad relationship with my mum

I am just so done with it all. There is always something that I do, or happens that sets her off on a swearing match screaming throughout the whole house going 'f you cnts, female dogs im leaving and you can see how pull live without me, I hate you all I can't wait till you move out, you ruin everything, why do you make me shout, I hope youre happy with yourselves you ruined my life, have an effing amazing life'
It will be me forgetting to do the washing up, or me and my sister arguing over something small (nothing drastic just sibling squabbles) and she will start screaming and escalating things.
Then she'll wake up the next day and try to pretend like she didn't say any of those things and I really love her when she is not screaming. She works really hard and I really appreciate everything but my life can be stressful too. I have so much pressure from school and work and trying to make sure that everything is perfect so that it won't set her off but she will always find something no matter how hard I try.
I don't like talking about it with anyone cause she doesn't ever show this side of her to anyone but us. She is always doing good by people and she stretches herself and takes it out on us. She'll always say she doesn't mean it but it doesn't stop it from hurting.
Like I'll just go to bed and I can't sleep without my head phones on with music cause my house is small so I can hear her until late at night and I can't sleep so I go to sleep really late and I feel like I'm betraying my family if I complain even just to friends about normal things. They all think I have the perfect family and I kinda like playing into that illusion that I don't argue with my mum and that we are so happy. It's like it helps me to escape into the ideal world that I have created.
Am I just overreacting and maybe I'm just not that good a daughter?

Reply 1

Anonymous #2

Honestly, I can relate to your story to a certain level. I'd say if you already tried to talk to her about how what she does hurts your feelings etc and tried to communicate in a respectful manner and it didn't change anything, the only thing you could do now is to work so hard on your studies/saving money (I'm assuming you're still in school here) and move out for uni that's what I kind of did I still come to visit home but I live in another city where my uni is. I genuinely don’t know any other solution than this. If you tried everything with her at this point you just have to accept her for who she is and the fact it won’t be changing and just think about how to distance yourself to protect your mental health. But you are definitely not alone with this type of experience in life and I hope this was helpful.

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

OP

Thank you!

Reply 3

areebah99

13

same here speak to her mine wasnt undertsanding i left at 16 to live with relatives but also give her a taste of her own medicine see how she reacts

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by areebah99

same here speak to her mine wasnt undertsanding i left at 16 to live with relatives but also give her a taste of her own medicine see how she reacts

I think that probably wouldnt be a good idea here... cause as soon as I overreact about something its suddenly me needing to man up and not be such a wimp about things
Im just gonna deal with it
I've lasted 17 years so I can live out 1 more before uni

Reply 5

Quackers21

2

Original post by Anonymous

I am just so done with it all. There is always something that I do, or happens that sets her off on a swearing match screaming throughout the whole house going 'f you cnts, female dogs im leaving and you can see how pull live without me, I hate you all I can't wait till you move out, you ruin everything, why do you make me shout, I hope youre happy with yourselves you ruined my life, have an effing amazing life'
It will be me forgetting to do the washing up, or me and my sister arguing over something small (nothing drastic just sibling squabbles) and she will start screaming and escalating things.
Then she'll wake up the next day and try to pretend like she didn't say any of those things and I really love her when she is not screaming. She works really hard and I really appreciate everything but my life can be stressful too. I have so much pressure from school and work and trying to make sure that everything is perfect so that it won't set her off but she will always find something no matter how hard I try.
I don't like talking about it with anyone cause she doesn't ever show this side of her to anyone but us. She is always doing good by people and she stretches herself and takes it out on us. She'll always say she doesn't mean it but it doesn't stop it from hurting.
Like I'll just go to bed and I can't sleep without my head phones on with music cause my house is small so I can hear her until late at night and I can't sleep so I go to sleep really late and I feel like I'm betraying my family if I complain even just to friends about normal things. They all think I have the perfect family and I kinda like playing into that illusion that I don't argue with my mum and that we are so happy. It's like it helps me to escape into the ideal world that I have created.
Am I just overreacting and maybe I'm just not that good a daughter?

I don't think you're overreacting. Maybe your mom is stressed out with something or had goals/dreams she wished to have achieved and now thinks she can't cause she's too busy doing whatever. If you've tried talking to her about how she gets angry too easily and should try calming down and it didn't go well, maybe ask her if there's ever something she wanted to do but couldn't and see if you could help make that dream come true. It'd help you bond with her and maybe she'd yell less. If that doesn't work either, what I usually do is do whatever I'm supposed to do and maintain a distance besides that. Did it for many many years and it worked to the point where she's not constantly yelling but it no longer feels like a mother-daughter relationship but at least it's sitll better than earlier.

Also, I would consider trying to talk about this with your sibling as well and see what you both can do collectively to help the situation. Maybe if having the sibling squabbles elsewhere is a solution or you both try to be more aware and calm or work together for your moms goal or something.

Good luck, it's okay to complain about problems. Not betrayal, as much as people try to portray it as it. There's a difference between wanting help and attention-seeky behaviour at the cost of your fam which imo would be ""betrayal"".

Bad relationship with my mum

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