The Student Room Group

My mom’s idea of marriage puts me off so much

I’m currently 17 year old female, which is a a very young age i know.
My mom and I today had a random conversation, and she was telling me how her brother married this girl he met in a week and got engaged to her a few days after he met her purely because he wanted an England VISA (it was basically an arranged marriage, they had both never met before that).
Similarly, my mother married my dad through an arranged marriage and they never knew each other before that.
Idk why but I really don’t like the idea of that. Obviously, you probably think I shouldn’t worry because I’m young, but it seems like my mom is almost ‘brainwashing’ me into thinking this is also right for me too.
Once my mom was married, she moved to England and knew absolutely no one. Her story once she was married is so so unfortunate: how she was treated by her in-laws and had to live under their control for several years as she lived in the same tiny house as them.

Sometimes, i can really tell that my mom wishes she got married to someone else by her little jokes’ and comments. It’s sad really.
I wish I could say that my parents get along, but in all honesty, they don’t. They have arguments every day without fail.

I don’t want this to happen to me. Apparently it’s ‘our culture’ to do this (though my cousins are picking and choosing who they want to date and marry).
If this is what my culture is about, marrying someone to borderline take advantage of them, then I don’t want to be a part of it.
I’m a very well educated girl and I think I will genuinely go far in life, but I don’t want to waste all my hard work just to be forced to marry someone. It really annoys me.
My mom also says that dating outside my culture feels
awkward. It just feels like I’m going to relive her whole story.
I know I’m young, but my mom keeps talking about it so it’s a hard conversation to avoid
Reply 1
Original post by Anonymous
I’m currently 17 year old female, which is a a very young age i know.
My mom and I today had a random conversation, and she was telling me how her brother married this girl he met in a week and got engaged to her a few days after he met her purely because he wanted an England VISA (it was basically an arranged marriage, they had both never met before that).
Similarly, my mother married my dad through an arranged marriage and they never knew each other before that.
Idk why but I really don’t like the idea of that. Obviously, you probably think I shouldn’t worry because I’m young, but it seems like my mom is almost ‘brainwashing’ me into thinking this is also right for me too.
Once my mom was married, she moved to England and knew absolutely no one. Her story once she was married is so so unfortunate: how she was treated by her in-laws and had to live under their control for several years as she lived in the same tiny house as them.

Sometimes, i can really tell that my mom wishes she got married to someone else by her little jokes’ and comments. It’s sad really.
I wish I could say that my parents get along, but in all honesty, they don’t. They have arguments every day without fail.

I don’t want this to happen to me. Apparently it’s ‘our culture’ to do this (though my cousins are picking and choosing who they want to date and marry).
If this is what my culture is about, marrying someone to borderline take advantage of them, then I don’t want to be a part of it.
I’m a very well educated girl and I think I will genuinely go far in life, but I don’t want to waste all my hard work just to be forced to marry someone. It really annoys me.
My mom also says that dating outside my culture feels
awkward. It just feels like I’m going to relive her whole story.
I know I’m young, but my mom keeps talking about it so it’s a hard conversation to avoid

It’s your life, not your parents. It’s good to be close to your parents and to keep them happy where possible but absolutely not at the expenses of your own happiness. Find someone you like, date, and then choose to marry the person that makes you happy.
Original post by Anonymous
I’m currently 17 year old female, which is a a very young age i know.
My mom and I today had a random conversation, and she was telling me how her brother married this girl he met in a week and got engaged to her a few days after he met her purely because he wanted an England VISA (it was basically an arranged marriage, they had both never met before that).
Similarly, my mother married my dad through an arranged marriage and they never knew each other before that.
Idk why but I really don’t like the idea of that. Obviously, you probably think I shouldn’t worry because I’m young, but it seems like my mom is almost ‘brainwashing’ me into thinking this is also right for me too.
Once my mom was married, she moved to England and knew absolutely no one. Her story once she was married is so so unfortunate: how she was treated by her in-laws and had to live under their control for several years as she lived in the same tiny house as them.

Sometimes, i can really tell that my mom wishes she got married to someone else by her little jokes’ and comments. It’s sad really.
I wish I could say that my parents get along, but in all honesty, they don’t. They have arguments every day without fail.

I don’t want this to happen to me. Apparently it’s ‘our culture’ to do this (though my cousins are picking and choosing who they want to date and marry).
If this is what my culture is about, marrying someone to borderline take advantage of them, then I don’t want to be a part of it.
I’m a very well educated girl and I think I will genuinely go far in life, but I don’t want to waste all my hard work just to be forced to marry someone. It really annoys me.
My mom also says that dating outside my culture feels
awkward. It just feels like I’m going to relive her whole story.
I know I’m young, but my mom keeps talking about it so it’s a hard conversation to avoid

Imagine living the Asian culture of marriage :rolleyes:
Reply 3
Original post by Anonymous
I’m currently 17 year old female, which is a a very young age i know.
My mom and I today had a random conversation, and she was telling me how her brother married this girl he met in a week and got engaged to her a few days after he met her purely because he wanted an England VISA (it was basically an arranged marriage, they had both never met before that).
Similarly, my mother married my dad through an arranged marriage and they never knew each other before that.
Idk why but I really don’t like the idea of that. Obviously, you probably think I shouldn’t worry because I’m young, but it seems like my mom is almost ‘brainwashing’ me into thinking this is also right for me too.
Once my mom was married, she moved to England and knew absolutely no one. Her story once she was married is so so unfortunate: how she was treated by her in-laws and had to live under their control for several years as she lived in the same tiny house as them.

Sometimes, i can really tell that my mom wishes she got married to someone else by her little jokes’ and comments. It’s sad really.
I wish I could say that my parents get along, but in all honesty, they don’t. They have arguments every day without fail.

I don’t want this to happen to me. Apparently it’s ‘our culture’ to do this (though my cousins are picking and choosing who they want to date and marry).
If this is what my culture is about, marrying someone to borderline take advantage of them, then I don’t want to be a part of it.
I’m a very well educated girl and I think I will genuinely go far in life, but I don’t want to waste all my hard work just to be forced to marry someone. It really annoys me.
My mom also says that dating outside my culture feels
awkward. It just feels like I’m going to relive her whole story.
I know I’m young, but my mom keeps talking about it so it’s a hard conversation to avoid


1) Tell her you don't want to think about it for now because you're focussing on yourself and your education and that you'd rather talk about it with her in the future when you're actually ready for marriage. This should give you a few years of respite from the marriage talks.
2) When you do talk about it, change the convo as quickly as possible. Stay friendly with your mum (and dad) as much as possible though because you want them on your side so keep talking to them but about other things.
3) When it comes to actually getting married/looking for a potential spouse, gently tell your mother/parents that you would rather not rush into marrying someone random because you won't feel comfortable barely knowing them and that it could cause problems further down the line if it turns out you don't get on/aren't a good match (since they seem to go down the arranged-marriage route it's likely that they wouldn't be happy with the idea of a divorce so insinuate the possibility of that happening - without saying it outright). Assuming you're Muslim, tell them that you want to get to know the suitor properly beforehand with the intention of marriage and that you won't commit any sins with them and that you're fine with having a mahram there (very important you highlight how you have no interest in doing anything haram and if they still aren't okay with it gently remind them that this is the acceptable Islamic way of doing things and Islam comes before culture.)
4) If you have any older siblings/cousins who you're close with then get them involved so they can defend you and hopefully your parents will be more understanding as well.
5) If all else fails, play some Islamic lectures on getting to know someone the halal way for marriage and forced marriages etc out loud where your parents will hear them lol. Bonus points if it's a speaker they listen to/respect. Tell them you will not marry someone purely at their insistence without even knowing them and if they try to pressure/blackmail you into it then that is a forced marriage which is explicitly haram.

Good luck sis
Reply 4
Original post by Mohammed_80
Imagine living the Asian culture of marriage :rolleyes:

pfft imagine 🙄🙄

It’s so hard though, especially when you don’t agree with it. What are your thoughts?
Original post by Anonymous
pfft imagine 🙄🙄

It’s so hard though, especially when you don’t agree with it. What are your thoughts?


I’m not sure if you’re Asian or not so I do apologise. But yeah it’s definitely hard on the basis that if you have someone in mind that to of your own choice you wish to get married to yet your parents say yes and their parents are reluctant to speak on the conversation of marriage although they are ready to get married themselves genuinely and yet your seeing old friends around your age that have got already married living a new life that’s just kind of I don’t know how to word it but that emoji sums it up :redface:
(edited 11 months ago)

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