The Student Room Group

my parents are not proud of me

Hey!
It's been really damaging my mental health recently.:
I graduated from a top Uni in the UK, even getting #1 for my dissertation, which I did in statistics.

I then got an amazing grad job... 1 year later, I am making over £40k per year... I get a lot of bonuses, too.

Yet, my dad told me that I'm not achieving good enough results, that I am a failure and that I'm gonna live a grey office rat life living in a small flat. One of the reasons was that I left my previous job, which required me to do ACA exams (I simply had enough exams in my life, and I decided to quit after I passed a few first exams... I was literally getting near suicidal thoughts when revising.

My dad makes crazy money and even funded my education (private school, Uni... etc). I wasn't lazy and used it to my advantage. I got 2 part time positions on top of Uni work, which took me over 20 hours per week. I even achieved academic awards (I have a formal academic award for incredibly good A levels).

The reason that he thinks I'm a failure is because I don't work in Finance, IT, or Law. He thinks that other professions are for the poor people and you cannot succeed in them later in your life (e.g. earn over 100k). He says that good women only date those, who make big money... and at your age (23) £40k is not enough. A few of my classmates from school make insane money... they didn't go to top uni or work hard... they simply inherited businesses from their parents (I don't have such luxury)

I don't know what to do... I've been trying to make my parents proud... yet things are getting so bad... that my dad barely talks to me.

Can you please help me to become more successful?
Original post by Anonymous
Hey!
It's been really damaging my mental health recently.:
I graduated from a top Uni in the UK, even getting #1 for my dissertation, which I did in statistics.

I then got an amazing grad job... 1 year later, I am making over £40k per year... I get a lot of bonuses, too.

Yet, my dad told me that I'm not achieving good enough results, that I am a failure and that I'm gonna live a grey office rat life living in a small flat. One of the reasons was that I left my previous job, which required me to do ACA exams (I simply had enough exams in my life, and I decided to quit after I passed a few first exams... I was literally getting near suicidal thoughts when revising.

My dad makes crazy money and even funded my education (private school, Uni... etc). I wasn't lazy and used it to my advantage. I got 2 part time positions on top of Uni work, which took me over 20 hours per week. I even achieved academic awards (I have a formal academic award for incredibly good A levels).

The reason that he thinks I'm a failure is because I don't work in Finance, IT, or Law. He thinks that other professions are for the poor people and you cannot succeed in them later in your life (e.g. earn over 100k). He says that good women only date those, who make big money... and at your age (23) £40k is not enough. A few of my classmates from school make insane money... they didn't go to top uni or work hard... they simply inherited businesses from their parents (I don't have such luxury)

I don't know what to do... I've been trying to make my parents proud... yet things are getting so bad... that my dad barely talks to me.

Can you please help me to become more successful?

By measures which most people would use to define "success", you are successful:
"achieved academic awards"
"graduated from a top Uni"
"getting #1 for my dissertation
"got an amazing grad job"
"1 year later, I am making over £40k per year"

The fact that you father doesn't see that tell us more about him than it does about you. Don't let yourself be defined by the opinion of others (even your own father).

I don't know what words I'd use to describe those who "only date those, who make big money" but it would not be "good women". Also his assertion that "other professions are for the poor people and you cannot succeed in them later in your life (e.g. earn over 100k)" is demonstrably nonsense.

Stop trying "to become more successful". You're there. Enjoy it. :smile:
Reply 2
Original post by DataVenia
By measures which most people would use to define "success", you are successful:
"achieved academic awards"
"graduated from a top Uni"
"getting #1 for my dissertation
"got an amazing grad job"
"1 year later, I am making over £40k per year"

The fact that you father doesn't see that tell us more about him than it does about you. Don't let yourself be defined by the opinion of others (even your own father).

I don't know what words I'd use to describe those who "only date those, who make big money" but it would not be "good women". Also his assertion that "other professions are for the poor people and you cannot succeed in them later in your life (e.g. earn over 100k)" is demonstrably nonsense.

Stop trying "to become more successful". You're there. Enjoy it. :smile:

Thank you for your kind comment 🙏.
The problem is : he thinks that due to his background I have more opportunities... Thus he was also mad that I didn't do a masters degree... That I left after completing my BSc degree.

He thinks that I should have used the opportunity and studied for as long as I could.

Just so you understand, he completed 2 PhD degrees in law and financial mathematics.
Your dad's strange. My parents have given me similar opportunities but have let me know that they don't care how much I earn as long as I'm happy. In fact, most people with such opportunities tend not to work hard and try to live off of their parents' success, so you've done well for yourself. You're objectively successful; let your dad take as long as he wants to realise that.
Reply 4
Original post by Anonymous #1
Thank you for your kind comment 🙏.
The problem is : he thinks that due to his background I have more opportunities... Thus he was also mad that I didn't do a masters degree... That I left after completing my BSc degree.

He thinks that I should have used the opportunity and studied for as long as I could.

Just so you understand, he completed 2 PhD degrees in law and financial mathematics.

I want to express that you are amazing, and I believe you've done an outstanding job so far. Avoid sacrificing your happiness to please others. Your father seems to view you as an extension of himself rather than as an individual. Don't engage in actions that would rob you of life's happiness; it's short, and living miserably is not worth it.

While I understand the desire to please your family, prioritize self-care. Pursue jobs or academics because you genuinely want to, not just to satisfy your parents. Disregard his perception that women only love men with money. As someone older and female, I can attest that a woman who loves you solely for your finances is not someone you want in your life. Once again, I believe you've achieved a lot for your age, and your trajectory can only go upward from here. Avoid comparing your life to others; focus on what you want to do and what nourishes your soul.
Reply 5
Original post by blaisex
I want to express that you are amazing, and I believe you've done an outstanding job so far. Avoid sacrificing your happiness to please others. Your father seems to view you as an extension of himself rather than as an individual. Don't engage in actions that would rob you of life's happiness; it's short, and living miserably is not worth it.

While I understand the desire to please your family, prioritize self-care. Pursue jobs or academics because you genuinely want to, not just to satisfy your parents. Disregard his perception that women only love men with money. As someone older and female, I can attest that a woman who loves you solely for your finances is not someone you want in your life. Once again, I believe you've achieved a lot for your age, and your trajectory can only go upward from here. Avoid comparing your life to others; focus on what you want to do and what nourishes your soul.

Thank you for your warm comment 🙂
Reply 6
Original post by InnateImpunity
Your dad's strange. My parents have given me similar opportunities but have let me know that they don't care how much I earn as long as I'm happy. In fact, most people with such opportunities tend not to work hard and try to live off of their parents' success, so you've done well for yourself. You're objectively successful; let your dad take as long as he wants to realise that.

Exactly this.
Reply 7
Lets look at this another way, your dad earns good money, and his claim is, truly successful people earn good money and rest are plebs. Ok cool, he is entitled to his thought process, but lets take a Nurse, doesnt earn a huge amount of money, but helps a huge number of people, saving lives, and making a difference on a daily basis - THIS is what success is. Success isnt about how much money you earn, its about what brings you joy and finding a balance between happiness and living reasonably comfortable.

Your dads success directly came from the teachers who taught him (by his measure those people aint successful, yet because of what he learned, directly from them, he became a success, like many others before and after)

Whilst its important to take on board what your parents say, you are now at an age where you decide whats best for you, you have done all you can - uni, good education, good grades, good job and if you still cant satisfy, there its not a you problem its a them problem (them been your parents)

Answer this question:
Which of the following would you prefer and think on it

Scenario 1: Working a high paid jobs in Finance, nice car, few holidays per year, nice house, and good savings - but as an individual you are overworked, never see your family/friends, depressed, sad, and unhappy - but you got the money

Scenario 2: Working a job you want, something you want to do, pays pretty well, but gives you happiness, flexibility and its a job where on a sunday evening you look forward to going to on Monday.

Im not saying you cant have a high paid job and not be happy, it does happen. But speak to most people who take jobs for money only and ask them how happy are they?

There is so many factors at play, in a nutshell, you do you. Do what makes you happy and gives you a long life and long good mental health.
Reply 8
Original post by NKNK12
Lets look at this another way, your dad earns good money, and his claim is, truly successful people earn good money and rest are plebs. Ok cool, he is entitled to his thought process, but lets take a Nurse, doesnt earn a huge amount of money, but helps a huge number of people, saving lives, and making a difference on a daily basis - THIS is what success is. Success isnt about how much money you earn, its about what brings you joy and finding a balance between happiness and living reasonably comfortable.

Your dads success directly came from the teachers who taught him (by his measure those people aint successful, yet because of what he learned, directly from them, he became a success, like many others before and after)

Whilst its important to take on board what your parents say, you are now at an age where you decide whats best for you, you have done all you can - uni, good education, good grades, good job and if you still cant satisfy, there its not a you problem its a them problem (them been your parents)

Answer this question:
Which of the following would you prefer and think on it

Scenario 1: Working a high paid jobs in Finance, nice car, few holidays per year, nice house, and good savings - but as an individual you are overworked, never see your family/friends, depressed, sad, and unhappy - but you got the money

Scenario 2: Working a job you want, something you want to do, pays pretty well, but gives you happiness, flexibility and its a job where on a sunday evening you look forward to going to on Monday.

Im not saying you cant have a high paid job and not be happy, it does happen. But speak to most people who take jobs for money only and ask them how happy are they?

There is so many factors at play, in a nutshell, you do you. Do what makes you happy and gives you a long life and long good mental health.

Thank you for your reply. I get that completely. I have chosen the 2nd one. My point is that my relationship with my dad is deteriorating, which strikes me very severely. His Dad was a scientist earning very much no money.
Original post by Anonymous #1
Hey!
It's been really damaging my mental health recently.:
I graduated from a top Uni in the UK, even getting #1 for my dissertation, which I did in statistics.

I then got an amazing grad job... 1 year later, I am making over £40k per year... I get a lot of bonuses, too.

Yet, my dad told me that I'm not achieving good enough results, that I am a failure and that I'm gonna live a grey office rat life living in a small flat. One of the reasons was that I left my previous job, which required me to do ACA exams (I simply had enough exams in my life, and I decided to quit after I passed a few first exams... I was literally getting near suicidal thoughts when revising.

My dad makes crazy money and even funded my education (private school, Uni... etc). I wasn't lazy and used it to my advantage. I got 2 part time positions on top of Uni work, which took me over 20 hours per week. I even achieved academic awards (I have a formal academic award for incredibly good A levels).

The reason that he thinks I'm a failure is because I don't work in Finance, IT, or Law. He thinks that other professions are for the poor people and you cannot succeed in them later in your life (e.g. earn over 100k). He says that good women only date those, who make big money... and at your age (23) £40k is not enough. A few of my classmates from school make insane money... they didn't go to top uni or work hard... they simply inherited businesses from their parents (I don't have such luxury)

I don't know what to do... I've been trying to make my parents proud... yet things are getting so bad... that my dad barely talks to me.

Can you please help me to become more successful?

you asian bro?
Reply 10
Original post by Anonymous #1
Hey!
It's been really damaging my mental health recently.:
I graduated from a top Uni in the UK, even getting #1 for my dissertation, which I did in statistics.

I then got an amazing grad job... 1 year later, I am making over £40k per year... I get a lot of bonuses, too.

Yet, my dad told me that I'm not achieving good enough results, that I am a failure and that I'm gonna live a grey office rat life living in a small flat. One of the reasons was that I left my previous job, which required me to do ACA exams (I simply had enough exams in my life, and I decided to quit after I passed a few first exams... I was literally getting near suicidal thoughts when revising.

My dad makes crazy money and even funded my education (private school, Uni... etc). I wasn't lazy and used it to my advantage. I got 2 part time positions on top of Uni work, which took me over 20 hours per week. I even achieved academic awards (I have a formal academic award for incredibly good A levels).

The reason that he thinks I'm a failure is because I don't work in Finance, IT, or Law. He thinks that other professions are for the poor people and you cannot succeed in them later in your life (e.g. earn over 100k). He says that good women only date those, who make big money... and at your age (23) £40k is not enough. A few of my classmates from school make insane money... they didn't go to top uni or work hard... they simply inherited businesses from their parents (I don't have such luxury)

I don't know what to do... I've been trying to make my parents proud... yet things are getting so bad... that my dad barely talks to me.

Can you please help me to become more successful?

Your dad has a very narrow view of success. As a father he should want the best for his child and that means supporting them along the career/life path they have chosen. He was very driven by money and that's fine, but it is certainly not the only route to success, and certainly not to happiness. Success can be measured in different ways - raising a happy family, contributing to the community, making other people's lives better by the work that they choose to do. It says a great deal about him that he thinks women only go for men with money - that is ridiculous and rather insulting to your mother.

By the standard of any reasonable person you have achieved a great deal for someone your age. If you are still living in the family home, perhaps it's time to move out. Prioritise your own wishes and career aims. Your dad is living his life, don't let him live yours for you.
(edited 2 months ago)
Reply 11
Original post by Anonymous #2
you asian bro?

No. Eastern Eu.
Reply 12
Original post by Anonymous #1
Thank you for your reply. I get that completely. I have chosen the 2nd one. My point is that my relationship with my dad is deteriorating, which strikes me very severely. His Dad was a scientist earning very much no money.

Its deteriorating for now, give it a few years, once your dad can respect and accept ( semi-accept) the decisions you make. Then the relationship will go back on track. As sad as it is, your dad won't be around forever, so you have to do whats best for you, of course this doesnt mean go in the opposite direction and give your parents worry and heart attacks. So long as you aint harming anyone, youv achieved what you set out to achieve, its now time to lay the foundations of working life the way you see fit.

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