We are not the right match but love each other

I was in a relationship with my girlfriend for almost 1 year until we broke up 2 months ago.

We both loved each other very much but we ultimately decided together (mainly me) that we weren’t a right match in terms of life stage and values given we are getting older and it’s time to start taking things more seriously. Main reasons below:

1) she wants to get married vs me I do not believe in marriage and do not want it
2) she wants kids vs me I do not
3) she wants to move in together vs me not being both a) mentally mature enough/mentally ready to have my own place yet and b) also I’m not financially ready to afford my own place

Other than that the relationship was great we loved each other a lot but I knew we had disagreements on the above 3 values and I knew it was holding her back from her future as she was regularly bring up things like ‘when we’re married etc’ so I broke up with her. I truly was breaking up with her FOR HER, it wasn’t me not loving her I really did and still do. But I just felt guilt everyday from holding her back as I knew I’ll never want to be married and have kids etc so I was wasting her time.

I am older than the typical person on this forum, I’ve graduated university and working full time roles now so I’m at a stage where relationships are more serious than being a student so I’m unsure whether I’ve done the right thing and it’s best we both move on.

Problem is I love her a lot and still want her

Reply 1

Dunnig Kruger

Getting back together with her would be a huge mistake. Because she wants kids and you don't. That's an incompatibility that is far too important to the life of each of you. And one with no work-arounds.

You should start your search for a woman that doesn't want children. And that is happy to be in a sexual relationship with you long term without the formalities of a wedding.

This will involve you having to reject a large proportion of the women that you come across. But that's the nature of The Game. Being selective.

Reply 2

Crazy Jamie

Careers Forum Helper

As above, you can potentially work through issues relating to marriage, depending on what they are. You can also work through issues relating to living together, particularly if one person just isn't ready for it yet. Whether or not you want to have children is different, though. People do absolutely change their view on that over time, and whereas someone in their early or mid 20s may simply not be able to comprehend the idea of having children, even a few years later that mindset can be very different. Like everything, the key is to communicate to establish whether or not the difference in that respect is likely to be something that changes over time or not. If it isn't, there is simply no way around the fact that one of you wants children and one doesn't. It's an absolute deal breaker.

In this situation it's telling to me that you are the one who doesn't want kids, and you are the one that has initiated the break up. It's usually the case with these sorts of issues that, if they are resolved, it's by way of the person who originally didn't want children changing their mind. The fact that you have broken up with your girlfriend suggests to me that you don't think there's a realistic possibility of you changing your mind on this. In which you clearly made the right choice, because as much as you love each other, the relationship simply cannot survive if one of you wants kids and one doesn't. For all the positives in this relationship, the better thing is for the two of you to start looking now for partners that share your view on having children.

Reply 3

Admit-One

Universities Forum Helper

Sounds like you had diametrically opposed views on three major issues.

To me they’re valid reasons for splitting and it’s probably just regret unless you have genuinely changed your position on them.