Fiancé's brother told me he can't stand me =(

Reply 20

VeniViciVidi

18

You're getting married next year, 11 months to make amends.

Reply 21

The_Goose

OP

18

Original post by petitflam

Congrats on the engagement!

he just sounds really immature and i'm surprised that no-one called him out for it at the time.

if you leave it, things will just fester. im sure you could ask your fiance to talk to him to see what happened. you dont want his ugly mug scowling at you dring the wedding!

Thanks

I think people were too stunned to call him out on it tbh. I don't even know if he realises how awful what he said was. I mean if he'd just told me to eff off or called me a bitch then fine - but for him to say that he actually can't stand me is just too hurtful a thing to say to someone - bad mood or no bad mood, there's a line.

Reply 22

Phobia27

14

If your fiance has a 'word' with his brother it just makes his brother hate you even more. Trust me, when me and my ex-stepmum used to argue, my dad used to always side with her, and then he would have a word with me and I would hate her even more.

Maybe he feels he's losing his older brother and you're the one taking him away. The best thing to do is to confront him yourself and get him to explain why he hates you, or just let this pass and let him get over his stroppy phase himself.

Reply 23

Lemozo

Original post by Melting Sugar.

Maybe it might be better to find out why he doesn't like you. If it's just that he's being immature because you're "stealing" his brother away then you can take the high road and hope that in a few years he grows up and apologises for being so rude when he was younger.

I don't think it's personal though. When my sister's boyfriend lived with us, I resented the fact that I just couldn't fully relax and lie on the sofa with chocolate biscuits watching Coronation Street, or sing in the shower because I had the constant feeling that we had a guest. My guess is that the fiance's brother just wants his home to be the same as before the OP moved in.

Reply 24

Snooz

4

Original post by Lemozo

As someone who had his sister's boyfriend living with them for 6 months, trust me, his brother is sick of the sight of you. In his eyes, you're a guest in the house and while you're there it means that he can't fully relax and be himself.

Harsh but true.

I completely agree with this. Even although you are his brother's fiance, it will start to grate on his nerves. I wouldn't take it too personally, but I understand that will be very difficult. If you think that it might be just a case of cabin fever and you're getting those sorts of vibes from him after mulling this over, try talking to him about it.

Reply 25

jthlm

2

I can kind of see where he's coming from, I mean it must be weird having you living there all the time and he probably wants some space. Maybe he even wishes he could see his brother on his own every so often, instead of you always being there. But none of that's your fault. It's your fiance's choice that he wants to be with you, whatever his brother's opinion. The best thing you could do really is just grit your teeth and be friendly, and just look forward to eventually having your own place someday. To be honest, he's being pretty immature but if you saw the petty fights I have with my older siblings it's exactly the same! You're practically family to him now, and when you spend that much time around each other day in day out, arguments are inevitable.

Just ignore what he said, he might not have apologised yet because he feels embarrassed, or if not then he just needs to man up and get over it. Good luck with your wedding, and hopefully moving out soon :smile:

Reply 26

snifferdog

just give him a bj..sorted!

Reply 27

Lemozo

Original post by jthlm

I can kind of see where he's coming from, I mean it must be weird having you living there all the time and he probably wants some space.

It's this. I've been in this exact situation with my sister's boyfriend, and while I didn't hate him as a person, the constant feeling that you've got a guest in the house is horrible when you just want to chill out after work.

Reply 28

The_Goose

OP

18

Original post by Snooz

I completely agree with this. Even although you are his brother's fiance, it will start to grate on his nerves. I wouldn't take it too personally, but I understand that will be very difficult. If you think that it might be just a case of cabin fever and you're getting those sorts of vibes from him after mulling this over, try talking to him about it.

Original post by jthlm

I can kind of see where he's coming from, I mean it must be weird having you living there all the time and he probably wants some space. Maybe he even wishes he could see his brother on his own every so often, instead of you always being there. But none of that's your fault. It's your fiance's choice that he wants to be with you, whatever his brother's opinion. The best thing you could do really is just grit your teeth and be friendly, and just look forward to eventually having your own place someday. To be honest, he's being pretty immature but if you saw the petty fights I have with my older siblings it's exactly the same! You're practically family to him now, and when you spend that much time around each other day in day out, arguments are inevitable.

Just ignore what he said, he might not have apologised yet because he feels embarrassed, or if not then he just needs to man up and get over it. Good luck with your wedding, and hopefully moving out soon :smile:

I just don't see think being the reason - he still mulls around the house in just his boxers and stuff like that, so he doesn't give the impression that it's like having a house guest. I don't behave like a house guest, I always ask him if he's got anything for the wash if I'm doing a load, or ask him if he wants some if I'm making pasta or anything. Me and my fiancé pay our way, we're not free loading or anything. I guess I don't feel like a house guest, his mum and sister have always made me feel like one of the family and we get on so well. It's just really gutting I guess

Reply 29

academic eric

Wait till he's 18 and if he doesnt cop on...

deck him

Or get satisfaction and get right up his nose but whatever you do DO NOT...

pander to his emotional BS. It's in his interests you see eye to eye too.

Good luck and get some sparring practise in just in case :wink:

Reply 30

Fjarskafinn

14

18 year olds hate everyone, I wouldn't take it to heart.

I'll just repeat what everyone else is saying - it's his brother you're marrying, you can't get along with everyone, so don't fret about it too much.

Reply 31

TheFlyingDutchman

7

Original post by The_Goose

I don't really know why I'm making a thread about it - I guess I'm just really upset. I've been living with my fiancé and his mum and his brother and sister (when she's not at uni) for over a year now and we're getting married in march.

I'd always though me and his brother got on quite well, but we went out last night (sort of a belated engagement celebration - because it's the first time his sisters been back since we got engaged) and his brother had been in a pretty bad mood all day and his sister asked him why and we were just chatting and having a joke and stuff and then he just started on me saying "piss off piss off piss off, I can't stand you, I actually can't stand you".

I just don't know how he could say something like this - I have never done anything to him and my fiancé had even asked him to be a grooms man at the wedding and he seemed happy and now apparently he can't stand me?

I know he'd been in a bad mood, but it really felt like he meant it. It's just really awkward now, he hasn't apologised, and a lot of the time it's just me and him in the house and now I don't even want to be here.

I just don't know what to do now - it really hurts.

tl;dr: My fiancé's brother told me he can't stand me, and I'm upset because I always thought we got on alright and he was supposed to be an usher at the wedding, now everythings awkward and I don't want to be in a room with him.

I'm gonna get negged for this but whatever. The point I want to make is what are you doing there ? That's the family house. You don't belong there.

If my sister tried to move her bf/fiance/husband into my family house I wouldn't even accept it. It's not like you're staying for a few days is it ? You're living in somebody elses house. I can't blame him. There is nobody that I would be comfortable with living in my house apart from my own gf but even though she gets on really well with the family I still wouldn't do that to them. A family is a unit, you've probably really displaced him from the situation. Fair enough his brother used to just go and see you on dates or you'd even stay over for a few days but he would always get his brother back. Now you're always there.

Tbh with you I'm never comfortable in my house with someone I don't really know there because let's face it how well does he really know you ? I would not feel good at all about my brother moving a girl in or my sister bringing a boy in and I would probably start spending a lot of time away from home which I would resent the person for regardless of how nice they were.

He doesn't even know you does he ? You're his brothers person not his. I doubt his parents are that happy about it either regardless of what they show.

Obviously it was a bit harsh for him to say it like that but I'm trying to give the point of view from his perspective. My family is very close and I have no issue with my brother or sister bringing someone home for a day or two. Moving in on the other hand is too far. It's my house and I know it's theirs too but that doesn't give them the right to bring someone into it.

Reply 32

anonstudent1

13

Original post by The_Goose

his brother had been in a pretty bad mood all day.... we were just chatting and having a joke and stuff and then he just started on me saying "piss off piss off piss off, I can't stand you, I actually can't stand you".

I just turned 20 and my older brother got married 2 years ago when i was 18, so i guess i was in a similar position to your brother. I think its important to remember just how stressful a marriage time is for your finances family as well as you.
Also when you said you were having a joke, did you say anything that could have set him of? As in were you having a joke at his expense in front of everyone? Even if it was only messing around. I remember when my sister in law first came over and sometimes she would joke around and say stuff that would have been fine if it was anyone else in my family, but because it was her, it was like "who do you think you are to say stuff like that" kinda thing in my head, but as i got older i realised she was just trying to make conversation and fit in with the rest of the family and i was overacting because all of a sudden she was the person taking up all my brothers time.
Also if he was in a bad mood and he said that, i think its easy for you to read to much into it. To be honest I've said worse things then that especially when I was 17, its easy to have a outburst when your constantly forced to be around someone new.
You said, you thought were getting on really well before and its probably because you were. This incident could make things uncomfortable for you if you let it as your acting awkward around him because of what he said and he wont feel like apologizing because in his head he might think he was in the right for having a go at you (it could have been about anything not just the conversation you were having at the time).
I would say when your next alone in the house with him, just ask him if he meant anything by what he said, but i wouldn't act patronising or as if you're telling him of, almost act as if you were in the wrong and see what he says, it was probably was just an outburst.

Wow this is long lol. but Im just trying to get you to see from the little brothers perspective even if he is in the wrong.

(edited 13 years ago)

Reply 33

435540

14

Original post by The_Goose

I don't really know why I'm making a thread about it - I guess I'm just really upset. I've been living with my fiancé and his mum and his brother and sister (when she's not at uni) for over a year now and we're getting married in march.

I'd always though me and his brother got on quite well, but we went out last night (sort of a belated engagement celebration - because it's the first time his sisters been back since we got engaged) and his brother had been in a pretty bad mood all day and his sister asked him why and we were just chatting and having a joke and stuff and then he just started on me saying "piss off piss off piss off, I can't stand you, I actually can't stand you".

I just don't know how he could say something like this - I have never done anything to him and my fiancé had even asked him to be a grooms man at the wedding and he seemed happy and now apparently he can't stand me?

I know he'd been in a bad mood, but it really felt like he meant it. It's just really awkward now, he hasn't apologised, and a lot of the time it's just me and him in the house and now I don't even want to be here.

I just don't know what to do now - it really hurts.

tl;dr: My fiancé's brother told me he can't stand me, and I'm upset because I always thought we got on alright and he was supposed to be an usher at the wedding, now everythings awkward and I don't want to be in a room with him.

Then I guess you'll never be unfaithful with him :wink:

SilverLiningLAD.

Reply 34

anonstudent1

13

Original post by TheFlyingDutchman

I'm gonna get negged for this but whatever. The point I want to make is what are you doing there ? That's the family house. You don't belong there.

Not everyone has those views. The way i see it, my brothers wife (or if i had a sister-her husband) become part of the family unless they act in a way which makes it impossible for that to happen.

Reply 35

academic eric

It doesn't sound like an off the cuff remark but rather something he's been wanting to get off his chest for a while...

At least you are better off knowing where you stand. I have much sympathy but in my experience trying to 'be friends'...

will only result in you being further hurt by unreciprocated effort. Fact is unless he realises he's being unfair on you...the situation will remain. And TBF I'm not sure he possesses the emotional maturity to do that right now...

Take it out on his bro...you'll feel better : )

Reply 36

thunder_chunky

19

Original post by The_Goose

QFA

He'd had a long day and had been drinking so he might have just been tired and not thinking. Then again sometimes when you drink you say how you feel.
You need to have a chat with him when he is sober. Corner him. You need to settle this sooner rather than later methinks.
Also perhaps find out what he doesn't like about you and maybe find a way for you two to connect

Best of luck :yy:

Reply 37

Snooz

4

Original post by The_Goose

I just don't see think being the reason - he still mulls around the house in just his boxers and stuff like that, so he doesn't give the impression that it's like having a house guest. I don't behave like a house guest, I always ask him if he's got anything for the wash if I'm doing a load, or ask him if he wants some if I'm making pasta or anything. Me and my fiancé pay our way, we're not free loading or anything. I guess I don't feel like a house guest, his mum and sister have always made me feel like one of the family and we get on so well. It's just really gutting I guess

I didn't mean to make you feel bad by saying that OP. Even if it was true, it wouldn't be your fault, either way it is his problem. Trust me, I have some experience with this sort of thing myself, only it was a blood-relation, which you'd think would be even less likely! I hope everything will settle down, and he may yet speak to you about what he said. Give it some time and see what happens.

Edit: Just wanted to add this. Things might change once you two are married. When he has some definite sense of a more formal family unit, he might start to relax about the whole thing a bit more. Of course, I could be completely wrong about what this is. Something else could be going on in his life that is just throwing him about a bit.

(edited 13 years ago)

Reply 38

The_Goose

OP

18

Original post by thunder_chunky

He'd had a long day and had been drinking so he might have just been tired and not thinking. Then again sometimes when you drink you say how you feel.
You need to have a chat with him when he is sober. Corner him. You need to settle this sooner rather than later methinks.
Also perhaps find out what he doesn't like about you and maybe find a way for you two to connect

Best of luck :yy: