I cheated on my girlfriend with my male friend

Original post by Anonymous

Just out of interest, why are you so against LDR's?

I'm not against them insofar as I believe that 90% of the time they're not real relationships. They allow people to stay in their comfort zone and not actually have to find a real partner. But I'm not going to tell people what to do, if they think it's best for them then they should go for it.

And cheers for the "analysis", but it's much more simple than that tbh. Yes it was a mistake, I don't want to do anything like that ever again.

Just so I can please your efforts, I'd fall into your final possibility.

If I were to proffer some advice... don't tell her. You'd also be betraying your friend's confidence if you've agreed to tell nobody. But... don't be surprised if five years from now you realise you actually do kinda fancy guys and regret wasting years in hetero relationships. I'm not saying that's definitely the case, but a strong possibility.

Reply 46

Original post by AlexandrTheGreat

I'm not against them insofar as I believe that 90% of the time they're not real relationships. They allow people to stay in their comfort zone and not actually have to find a real partner. But I'm not going to tell people what to do, if they think it's best for them then they should go for it.

I must say this is such an odd attitude. LDRs aren't a comfort zone (if anything people finding them very uncomfortable and insecure is a reason for LDRs falling apart), and they don't particularly impress others, often being encountered with cynicism, or as in your case, a disbelief that they are a "proper" relationship. Putting off finding a real partner? Since when do we "have to find a real partner" any way? It's not like being in a "real" relationship something we all must do, but some of us can't face the responsibility so hack it with an LDR! That's a ludicrous sentiment.

LDRs (in my experience) are really as simple as wanting to stay with someone you value, even if you can't be together always or most of the time.

I know you're not trying to offend or generalise, but I think you're confusing your personal experience/preference with a greater understanding of others' relationships and motivations than you can possibly have. It just seems very arrogant and wannabe guru-ish.

Where have you got these ideas anyway? Based on your friends? Based on what? How have you decided that LDRs aren't "real" and what in your opinion has given you this special insight (into others deeply personal lives and feelings)?

Sorry, it's not personal but I just had to call you out because I think you're so, so wrong.

Reply 47

Original post by Pigling

Where have you got these ideas anyway? Based on your friends? Based on what? How have you decided that LDRs aren't "real" and what in your opinion has given you this special insight (into others deeply personal lives and feelings)?

Age and experience. I've never seen a "Long Distance Relationship" become an actual relationship. I have, on the other hand, seen people who are afraid of being single, afraid of having to take responsibility for their life, remain in them and use them as a crutch.

Maybe it's worth distinguishing a "girlfriend/boyfriend" from a partner. LDR and partner are mutually exclusive.

Reply 48

Original post by AlexandrTheGreat

Age and experience. I've never seen a "Long Distance Relationship" become an actual relationship. I have, on the other hand, seen people who are afraid of being single, afraid of having to take responsibility for their life, remain in them and use them as a crutch.

Maybe it's worth distinguishing a "girlfriend/boyfriend" from a partner. LDR and partner are mutually exclusive.

You saying it doesn't make it true. I disagree that the realness of a relationship is determined by physical distance. Does you mother cease to be your mother when you no longer live with her? That is a relationship which endures despite distance. What rule (other than an arbitrary personal one) states that a romantic attachment cannot continue to exist at a distance?

How old are you and what experience have you had? How do you know what other people are afraid of, or is this something you have decided for them, based on your own views?

FTR I have been in an LDR for 4 years. It isn't based on fear. I'm a very laid back person, which is exactly why I have found it easy to be in a relationship at a distance.. and basically also continue to lead my normal life. But it appears you have already judged (by generalisation) without knowing anything about it. A person who does that is likely to make untrue assessments.

EDIT: I think you would learn a lot about your own attitudes by reading on the analytic era in psychiatry and resultant mistakes made. You are far too keen to attribute your own theories of motivation onto others, without objective evidence.

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 49

Original post by Pigling

You saying it doesn't make it true. I disagree that the realness of a relationship is determined by physical distance.

And I would disagree with you. A hugely important aspect of a committed relationship is sharing your life with another person, making decisions together, being a couple in the eyes of your peers. In an LDR, the two people are living independent lives.

Does you mother cease to be your mother when you no longer live with her? That is a relationship which endures despite distance.

Your relationship with you family isn't dependent on you sharing a life together. A committed, romantic/parental/coupled partnership is.

What rule (other than an arbitrary personal one) states that a romantic attachment cannot continue to exist at a distance?

I'm not the dictator of relationships, I don't purport to tell people how to live their lives. I'm just saying that conducting a relationship at a distance is just playing at relationships, unless it involves a real, pre-existing relationship and a very clear and limited period of separation for practical reasons. Even then, it's case by case.

For example, my partner has had an opportunity to work overseas, but because I'm still studying in London we've decided to stay here until I qualify, and then reassess. Our lives are intertwined and we choose our future together. This stands in stark contrast to an LDR where the two partners are living two separate lives.

How old are you and what experience have you had?

I'm 26. In terms of experience, I've spent about 3/4s of my adult life in relationships, both committed and not committed (insofar as it was just boyfriend/boyfriend type of deal. It wasn't really sharing a life together, making decisions about career, children, marriage etc. The former, you can certainly conduct at long distance, though I think even that if pretty silly. But the latter cannot).

How do you know what other people are afraid of, or is this something you have decided for them, based on your own views?

This is from the experience of my close friends doing so, particularly as both my partner and I are dual citizens from Australia who live in London, are are many of our friends, and some of them were in LDR's with boyfriends back in Aus. It became apparent fairly quickly that it isn't a real relationship, and that such a relationship should be put on hiatus and reassessed when the two individuals actually have an opportunity to be together.

Chatting online and sexting every night is not a relationship.

Reply 50

Original post by Pigling

FTR I have been in an LDR for 4 years. It isn't based on fear. I'm a very laid back person, which is exactly why I have found it easy to be in a relationship at a distance.. and basically also continue to lead my normal life.

"Continue to lead my normal life" you say. That's kind of the point, isn't it? Your life and your LDR are essentially separate and compartmentalised. Imho that's not what a relationship is or should be.

But I'm curious; how exactly could you be in one for four years? Why haven't you moved in together?

Reply 51

Original post by AlexandrTheGreat

And I would disagree with you. A hugely important aspect of a committed relationship is sharing your life with another person, making decisions together, being a couple in the eyes of your peers. In an LDR, the two people are living independent lives.

That isn't true. With the communication methods currently available, it is very possible for people to share their lives and make shared decisions at a distance. Why wouldn't it be? This is certainly something that I and my partner do.

So now you've decided that what other people think is what makes a relationship "real"? Surely this idea would be one that could also apply to any relationship?

Original post by AlexandrTheGreat

Your relationship with you family isn't dependent on you sharing a life together. A committed, romantic/parental/coupled partnership is.

Isn't every relationship about sharing? If you never speak to someone again, one could argue there is no relationship. My point is that distance isn't the deciding factor in whether a relationship (of any sort) exists, interaction is.

Original post by AlexandrTheGreat

I'm not the dictator of relationships, I don't purport to tell people how to live their lives. I'm just saying that conducting a relationship at a distance is just playing at relationships, unless it involves a real, pre-existing relationship and a very clear and limited period of separation for practical reasons. Even then, it's case by case.

You clearly do think you have some sort of authority/special insight though, to purport such sweeping subjective statements as fact. I might as well tell you that you only drink coffee because you have an emotional problem with tea, and then say "I'm not arrogant and presumptive, I haven't forbidden you from drinking coffee! I've just decided why you drink it, all by myself"

Original post by AlexandrTheGreat

For example, my partner has had an opportunity to work overseas, but because I'm still studying in London we've decided to stay here until I qualify, and then reassess. Our lives are intertwined and we choose our future together. This stands in stark contrast to an LDR where the two partners are living two separate lives.

I don't live a completely separate life from my partner. Nor do people at a close distance live completely intertwined lives. Some separation always exists and is healthy.

Original post by AlexandrTheGreat

I'm 26. In terms of experience, I've spent about 3/4s of my adult life in relationships, both committed and not committed (insofar as it was just boyfriend/boyfriend type of deal. It wasn't really sharing a life together, making decisions about career, children, marriage etc. The former, you can certainly conduct at long distance, though I think even that if pretty silly. But the latter cannot).

But does this experience help you when deciding my motivations, my life, my relationship - or do you think what I have to say might be more what you should base it on?

Original post by AlexandrTheGreat

This is from the experience of my close friends doing so, particularly as both my partner and I are dual citizens from Australia who live in London, are are many of our friends, and some of them were in LDR's with boyfriends back in Aus. It became apparent fairly quickly that it isn't a real relationship, and that such a relationship should be put on hiatus and reassessed when the two individuals actually have an opportunity to be together.

In your opinion.

Original post by AlexandrTheGreat

Chatting online and sexting every night is not a relationship.

In your opinion. What a nasty attempt to patronise. Isn't communication actually pretty staple in a relationship? My chatting with my boyfriend at a distance is pretty similar to how we chat when we're together. Yet, one of those experiences is "real", how odd.

What can I say. I beg to differ. I'm not going to tell you how "real" your relationships are, because I don't presume to know about your personal life. You are of a different persuasion, but I generally think people who presume to know are often wrong.

Reply 52

Original post by AlexandrTheGreat

"Continue to lead my normal life" you say. That's kind of the point, isn't it? Your life and your LDR are essentially separate and compartmentalised. Imho that's not what a relationship is or should be.

But I'm curious; how exactly could you be in one for four years? Why haven't you moved in together?

I am in an LDR during university term time (studying a 5 year course). We see one another on visits, and during holidays, which in actuality probably adds up to close distance around 40% of the year. I guess when we're together the relationship is "real" and when we aren't it is "pretend"(!) Although I've always thought of exclusive monogamous romantic relationships as defined by:

- Exclusive monogamy
- Romantic (mutual affection/love)
- Relationship (any ongoing interaction between human beings)

We haven't moved in together, because we have obligations which are miles apart, which is why we are LDR. We will be living together in around 18 months. A decision we've made together (apparently impossible).

My boyfriend knows of most of my friends and experiences at uni, and has met many of my friends in person. He is a big source of support and guidance about things ongoing at uni as well - because he is my partner. He is probably the single most confided in person in my life and equally shares things about his life with me. Obviously, he isn't here for some things I talk about and visa versa - but is not the same true of a short distance relationship? No couple does all or most waking things together. Everyone leads a compartmentalised life.

If I said I didn't lead a normal independent life, you would be the first to say I'm obviously on emotional crutches and desperate for the validation of a relationship. Yet I can happily say I live for myself in addition to having a fabulous relationship - and that's used to undermine my LDR? If I were short-distance, you'd be praising me.

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 53