If you could write your personal statement totally honestly, what would you say?

Writing CVs/job applications is the worst I feel your pain

Companies always use loads of jargon as well on their job descriptions that I usually have no idea what they're on about.

"Please give me the job, I need money and I possibly won't be completely **** at it "

"I'm extremely desperate and I'm trying to phrase this PS so it doesn't sound like 50% begging and crying, and 50% bull**** bragging. So, here we go.

I've had a rubbish past three years and frankly I would quite like something to work in my favour for once, so if you could just look at my GCSE grades and see how fabulous a student I used to be, that'd be grand. I'm clearly dedicated to the course - I've done a ****-ton of reading on it and extracurricular activities based around it - so I'm not sure what more you want from me other than for me to bend over and kiss my ass. Everyone in my academic reference is going to say what a wonderful student I am and how I am so pleasant to have around. The truth is, I hate A Levels. I hate what I'm doing, I hate where I'm living, I can't stand to stay at home any longer, I need a job (and apparently I'm underqualified for Macky D's, so degrees - here I come!), and I don't really know what to do with my life beyond this one very specific career I've chosen, so if I don't get an offer chances are I will probably sit rocking back and forth in my room questioning my existence and wondering why I'm putting myself through the stress and hell that is A2s when clearly I do not have the mental capacity for it.

Thank you very much for your time. I was unsure whether you'd appreciate sophisticated *******s, or a touch of humour, so decided to throw in some sarcasm and hard-hitting truths to spice things up a little.

Please, please take me. I'm so very desperate and I'm doing this all on my own because my college has never had a student achieve A grades at A2 and frankly don't seem to know what on earth they're doing. Have pity on me, I'm doing my best. Your buddy Scott

PS. I will bring some diversity to your institution. If nothing else, consider me for that. Think of the Stonewall ratings!!!

PS. PS. I haven't had a decent night's sleep since starting GCSE. Sorry for any grammatical errors. I'm exhausted."

'Why am I interested in biochemistry? Because it's interesting to me. You keep asking me this, teachers keep asking me this, family keep asking me this. Is there actually another answer??? I'm not trying to be sarcastic, genuinely curious here. Everyone is interested in their subject because it's interesting to them. Frankly you should come up with some better questions.'

Even better is when they don't want you to put the obvious answer of "I've always loved and excelled at science, why the **** would I do a subject I don't like and never achieve anything in??? Next question."

My favourite was when our teacher gave us a list of buzzwords that universities apparently hate so we couldn't use, then told us to 'show your passion for the subject without using the words: passion, love, enthusiasm, always wanted to and always been my favourite'

My favourite bit will always be when she said I should refer to myself as being in my "embryonic state" when it came to my potential to develop further. SMH, honestly.

I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. Not for tuition fees anyway. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. So please accept me into <insert your uni here>.