I'll apologize in advanced - this is going to be a really glum post.
(For context, I study Maths, English Language, Computer Science and Theatre Studies, and I am in Year 12).
I made the decision to go to a Sixth Form that takes two hours of traveling to get to as it was the only one any where near me that I liked and that offered my subjects in combination with each other. I get up at 5:45 every morning so I can be on my first of two buses by 6:55. I did this because I was so set on taking two subjects I cared about and was passionate about together, even if they were completely different (Computing and Drama).
I loved the Sixth Form to start with. Only one other person from my old school went to the same one, so it was a fresh start. Instantly, I was in a friendship group of 8 or 9 people, something which I had never experienced during secondary school. I felt truly wanted for one of the first times ever. On top of this, I'd briefly met some people from the Sixth Form during a camp-type thing, who were very nice and introduced me to people in my classes so I wasn't alone. All in all, I loved this place and felt like I was settling in.
Then, it started going a bit wrong for me. The travel times meant I had to be in bed by 8:30 so I could get up on time. All of my frees were immediately filled up with work just because I didn't get home till 5, so didn't reasonably have a lot of time to do it all. Eventually I caved, and spent a few days at a Sixth Form closer to me. In short, I hated it. I missed my subject combination, and I missed my friends. It is possible I made a rash decision as I had just been in a car accident (so wasn't in a good frame of mind), but either way I felt out of place, and went back to my first choice after a few days.
Now it was my subjects that were getting to me. I had a teacher I completely didn't understand for A Level Maths. What's more, I found the work and homework nearly impossible. The highest I've got so far on our weekly homework is probably a C- quite a few others have been getting As and A*s. I try my best and work really hard at it- I've spent 5 hours at it before- but it still stressed me out to no end because I'd panic because it seemed like I was just too dumb to do the work. I'd attend the revision sessions and ask for help, but even then I'd only be 3 questions in. Realistically, I only picked Maths because I thought I wanted to do Computer Science at university. I went to ask if I could swap subjects a day or so before the deadline, but was talked out of swapping because apparently Maths is just a 'hard' subject and 'I'll get it eventually'. Instead, they allowed me to swap classes so that I had a different teacher; problem solved, I thought.
Even after, though, the work never got any easier for me. I told my form tutor about this and she recommended I swap, even though it was after the deadline. I told her about my plan to study Computer Science and how I'd need Maths, though she said that she thought it would be better to drop Maths for something I enjoy more. She arranged for me to go to two English Lit lessons instead of the Maths lessons, one of which I really enjoyed, but the other I found a bit confusing. At this point, I really wasn't sure whether I should just stick out my current options to the end of the year or swap. I am really passionate about English but I felt like I was giving up on my Computer Science plans, something which none of my family wanted me to give up. In the end, I ended up asking one of my parents to ring up and ask if I could have a meeting with someone, as due to a decrease in my mental health I didn't feel like I could make the decision alone.
They were told that it was too late for me to swap now as it was after the deadline, and that the school shouldn't have let me go to the English lessons. Apparently the Headteacher had also been notified, and they also said that I wouldn't be allowed to swap.
At first, I was relieved because I didn't have to make a decision anymore. Now, though, I can't help but wish that I had swapped.
Apparently Computer Science is quite an infamous course. On the open day, and for the first couple of weeks, my teacher had seemed enthusiastic about the course. Now, though, I am really regretting picking the subject. We have been given a textbook - which the teacher says is riddled with errors and will only get us to a grade C at best- and a playlist of videos as our only source of knowledge. I'm not kidding. I have 39 pieces of homework for Computer Science alone to do during this week off. This is because the teacher doesn't actually ever teach us anything. I know that sounds cliche, but in the past 7 weeks the teacher has only spoken at the front of the classroom once - and that was because I'd explained to him that I couldn't really learn and understand things from the textbook and videos. Since then, though, nothing has changed. I have work that I handed in 5 weeks ago that has still not been marked yet, and more work is being set. I am literally not being taught the content, which has consequently sapped all of the motivation and enthusiasm I had for the subject out of me, which then makes me regret picking Maths because I only picked it to support my Computing studies.
I feel so depressed and unmotivated because of this. I enjoy my other two subjects immensely, but Maths and Computing are always looming on my mind. I don't enjoy school anymore, even though I used to love it. The traveling and workload means I haven't seen my friends or left the house for a non-school reason in about 5 or 6 weeks. I just want a break, and am struggling to see how I can get myself out of this situation. The only happiness I feel in my life anymore comes from my family and my therapist, who are always there for me to talk to.
When I'm 18 and I've finished my A Levels, I hope to apply to study the English Lit A Level at my local college (though I don't know how I'll manage to afford the tuition fees as I'm not from a very well-off background) and maybe go on to do it at degree level because at the moment I can't stand doing Computing any longer than I have to.
Sorry for how messy and long this post is, I just felt like I needed to express how I was feeling. I know it sounds like I'm just picking fault with everything, but please believe me when I say I'm trying so, so hard to succeed; I really am, I just feel so lost right now, and like I've messed up my future.
If anyone could offer any advice- or even just any support- I'd be immensely grateful.
Thanks so much to anyone who read this far.