Sex drive; which of us is being unreasonable?

Mods: please don't move this to sexual health or mental health. I put it here as I want advice on my relationship not my mental or sexual health.


I have been diagnosed with a serious mental illness and for the last few years have been on a cocktail of different medications trying to control it. Recently I started a new one and it seems to be helping more than any other in many years. The problem though is that it has drastically affected my sex drive. I don't get turned on at all and everything just feels numb and unresponsive despite my partner's best efforts.

I know this is affecting my partner. They want me to give things another week then tell my psychiatrist I want to switch medication if things haven't improved by then. I feel better than I have in years and it is still quite early days on this medication so I am in general feeling positive about it. But I feel so guilty about my partner. I know they want sex but I am unable to do that right now and I don't know whether this side effect will wear off or how long that may take. I have been "dealing with" them off for the past few weeks as I don't want them to go without.

I feel uneasy about asking to stop this medication, I have tried so many and have so much energy and in general feel pretty great compared to previously. But I don't know, am I being selfish?

TBH this is just one of those horrible situations where there is no right answer. It's not reasonable to expect them to lose a huge part of your relationship (sex) and just put up with it. It's also not reasonable to expect you to compromise your health.

Personally I would say you should tell your psychiatrist asap so they can be aware, they may be able to advise you further given they know more. For example if they told you that side effects often reduce over the course of 2-3 months that would be very different to if the side effects usually last the length of the medication usage. Likewise if they said there is another very similar drug you could try switching to that's a different situation to if you've pretty much tried everything and they don't think another medication will help you.

After you've got some advice from your psych you can talk to your partner again. I think they need to understand it's got to a bit long term rather than over a couple of weeks for making a decision here...

Thank you for your response, Doodle (and everyone else!).
I have been trying to "take care" of my partner's er...needs in ways other than sex but I still feel so guilty because I know it's important to them. Do you think that makes a difference to how reasonable things are? ( anyone else on TSR reading, I would be really interested to know their answer to that too!).I have tried most of the drugs for this condition (maybe 8+) and this one is working the best so far. I'm not sure there are many alternatives left and other ones I have taken either didn't work or had their own range of horrible side effects. I did speak to my psychiatrist who said that this medication doesn't have decreased sex drive listed as a side effect and that was about all he said - however, when I googled it I found forums for people with the same mental health diagnosis as me who found that they did have this side effect. Some said it wore off in time while one even said they still have no sex drive 2 years later even after stopping the drug! So I really don't know. That was very worrying. I tried explaining this to my partner, as well as how much better I feel on this medication but she is quite clear that I need to get off this drug if things don't resolve quick. I already felt like I was never good enough for my partner and now I can't even perform and satisfy them in an area we previously frequently bonded. It makes me feel so guilty and selfish.

Mods: please don't move this to sexual health or mental health. I put it here as I want advice on my relationship not my mental or sexual health.


I have been diagnosed with a serious mental illness and for the last few years have been on a cocktail of different medications trying to control it. Recently I started a new one and it seems to be helping more than any other in many years. The problem though is that it has drastically affected my sex drive. I don't get turned on at all and everything just feels numb and unresponsive despite my partner's best efforts.

I know this is affecting my partner. They want me to give things another week then tell my psychiatrist I want to switch medication if things haven't improved by then. I feel better than I have in years and it is still quite early days on this medication so I am in general feeling positive about it. But I feel so guilty about my partner. I know they want sex but I am unable to do that right now and I don't know whether this side effect will wear off or how long that may take. I have been "dealing with" them off for the past few weeks as I don't want them to go without.

I feel uneasy about asking to stop this medication, I have tried so many and have so much energy and in general feel pretty great compared to previously. But I don't know, am I being selfish?

Sex isn't worth general wellbeing (unless they intertwine, which in this case they eloquently don't).

I'm not sure I understand what you mean?

TBH for me 'receiving' wouldn't be enough to solve the issue. Sex isn't just about scratching a physical itch (or she could just masturbate) - it's about intimacy, being wanted, doing something for each other, having fun and a whole lot more. If you're not into it, even if you're going through some motions to 'satisfy' her then she will know and it will not be the same for her.

I do think she is being unfair by making this a short term issue. It's pretty normal for couples to have dry spells regardless of medication or anything like that so it certainly shouldn't instantly be an issue if your health is involved. Personally I think it would be reasonable to have that conversation if in a few months nothing is better but you should both be able to give this a try. If it's not improving you can also try other things to 'spice things up' and see if it helps.

But you can't force your partner to accept a low sex drive... it sounds like she might not be able to and perhaps that will end up meaning you have to choose. That really suck and TBH I'd be tempted to say you choose your meds on the basis that your GF doesn't sound very supportive at all.

Sex isn't worth your health, unless sex is what is damaging your health in the first place

I'm rarely in the mood now because of depression but I go along with it because it's intimacy and I don't want our relationship to suffer. You dont have to necessarily be 'so up for it' every time, but if you want him to be happy, its not that difficult.

Your mental health comes first. I assume from your posts that you're a male (apologies if I'm incorrect) - there are meds that can help you along, so to speak, such as viagra or cialis. This of course doesn't aid your sex drive directly, but you don't need to be having sex just because you're horny - it can also be just time getting intimate with your partner in a fun activity and pleasing her. Plus side is, if you're not really horny, you'll last a long time

Ok, so you're saying keep taking the meds and try to get my partner to "deal with it"?

If you're being asked to switch medication that is of great benefit to your mental health then he, in my opinion, should get lost. That's just selfish.