Should a guy have to pay for the date?
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Original post by doodle_333
Men had to pay for women in the past because women didn't have their own money to pay for the date (or at least had much less than the guy). That's just not true now. Any man whose self esteem is so tied up in being a 'man' and dominating the woman that he HAS to pay for the date has a problem with women.
In a survey on love and finances conducted by Money and SurveyMonkey, 78% of respondents said they think men should pay on the first date. Out of the 4,447 participants, 20 percent disagreed, while 2 percent declined to answer.
Overall, women were slightly less united on the matter. While 85% of men agreed that their wallets should be on the line, only 72% of women said so.
http://time.com/money/4668232/valentines-day-men-pay-first-date/
All this is not particularly relevant to me (as I'm all settled down etc), but personally, I wouldn't interpret a guy wanting to pay for a date as him wanting to "assert his dominance" over me. While that could be true for a minority of guys, for most I believe the offer is simply a nice gesture (rather than a disguised ploy to control).
(I too buy gifts for other people, and when I do, there is also absolutely no social politics/ulterior motives at play).
If a guy was really insistent on paying though (even after being suggested that a split bill was much more agreeable), I agree that could be a strong red flag (because however the bill is split in the end, it should ultimately be a willfully mutually agreeable & civilized decision made by both people).
Original post by doodle_333
Also at 16 it's unlikely your boyfriend will have his own money so you're basically making his mum pay for your date lol.
Personally I had my first proper job (factory worker) at age 16 and my guy had his first paid job (waiter/kitchen helper) even younger than that (age 14).
Teenagers can also do plenty of stuff to legitimately earn money from their parents (chores around the house, mowing the lawn etc).
I think that if all your money is simply unconditional handouts given from your parents, then it could be also argued that you aren't really quite mature enough in life approach yet to be dating in general.
If a 16 year old boy shouldn't be paying for a date because his mum will be effectively paying for it, you could also say that about any condoms he uses in any sex that results from it ("mummy pays for his johnies" lol).
I think a responsible attitude/mature approach is important when it comes to playing adult games. Some 16 year olds are mature beyond their years, taking responsible approaches towards their life decisions (and having an increasing will to be independent in general). But then you have others who are still living very child-like existences (unwilling to put in any work for money, still tied to the apron strings, treating everything like fun and games etc).
There isn't really a right or wrong age to be dating, but I think a mature approach to it does count for a lot.
(edited 6 years ago)
Your Mum's more old fashioned which is to be expected. There is no right or wrong answers.
Original post by cat_mac
Nah I either split it or make the next one on me (if I know for sure there’ll be a second date). Some guys are really insistent on paying and take offence when you don’t accept because you’re not letting them “be the man” and that’s when you run for the hills.
In principle I think that in this day and age women should offer to pay their own way and not expect the man to do it when it comes to a first date, and perhaps even offer to pay for him at times, but in reality when faced with sort of stuff i've tended to feel somewhat demasculinized.
I've had a few women offer to buy me drinks at social events and I refused purely because it just did feel right to have a woman i've just met buy me a drink. tbh perhaps they were just being friendly and not romantically interested in me.
I remember at a bar/club once a girl walked upto me and immediately asked me if i wanted a drink, i had to fight back the reflex action to say no. I was about to say no, but then figured she would take that as me rejecting her and then walk away. I ended up accepting the drink but did feel demasculinized somewhat in doing so.
On first dates [if I have strong interest in the girl] I will always want to pay. I will let the girl pay half if she keeps saying she wants to go halfs after I keep offering to pay ...but I prefer to pay if i'm honest. No one looks badly upon a woman who go halfs on a date, but there are some women and men who look badly upon a man who go halfs on a date. Also some women offering to go halfs are only doing it as a token gesture and still view it as a mans job to pay. I've seen posts of this nature by women before on other forums. I don't know if you watch celebs go dating but in series one steph platt would offer to pay for both hers and her dates meal, and keep offering ...and if he accepted she would later b*tch about it and say she could never date a man like that.
If I am interested in a woman I do not want give her a reason to look down on me, I do not know if her offer to pay is genuine or a token gesture or some kind of trap [like what steph does]. A combination of all the above means I prefer to pay for the first date ....
I once went on a first date and accidently I ended up paying for nothing. I genuinely felt bad.....
(edited 6 years ago)
Original post by doodle_333
This ^^^
Men had to pay for women in the past because women didn't have their own money to pay for the date (or at least had much less than the guy). That's just not true now. Any man whose self esteem is so tied up in being a 'man' and dominating the woman that he HAS to pay for the date has a problem with women.
Also at 16 it's unlikely your boyfriend will have his own money so you're basically making his mum pay for your date lol.
Men had to pay for women in the past because women didn't have their own money to pay for the date (or at least had much less than the guy). That's just not true now. Any man whose self esteem is so tied up in being a 'man' and dominating the woman that he HAS to pay for the date has a problem with women.
Also at 16 it's unlikely your boyfriend will have his own money so you're basically making his mum pay for your date lol.
It is probably less to do with "being the man" and more "not getting roasted by your mates for letting the lady pay".
The pay gap still exists. Women do tend to earn less still. I have paid for all my partners' meals because I usually have more money than them and feel bad making them go to an expensive restaurant. Nothing to do with being chivalrous; just sheer practicalities.
Original post by Feastful
x.
I find that survey pretty crazy, I would have thought most people aged 20-30ish would be more equal... Not disputing it, just surprised.
I would not have a problem with a guy who offers, it's a social convention. I have been out with guys who insist or think it takes away from their masculinity if I pay - that's a warning. If I say I prefer to pay my way that should never be an issue.
I get that some 16 year olds have their own money but I'd bet the majority don't. There's also no problem with the boy paying for himself with his mums money but you shouldn't expect the other person's parents to pay just because they happened to birth a boy rather than a girl :P so it has nothing to do with condoms.
Original post by Notorious_B.I.G.
It is probably less to do with "being the man" and more "not getting roasted by your mates for letting the lady pay".
The pay gap still exists. Women do tend to earn less still. I have paid for all my partners' meals because I usually have more money than them and feel bad making them go to an expensive restaurant. Nothing to do with being chivalrous; just sheer practicalities.
The pay gap still exists. Women do tend to earn less still. I have paid for all my partners' meals because I usually have more money than them and feel bad making them go to an expensive restaurant. Nothing to do with being chivalrous; just sheer practicalities.
Totally fair if you know you're wealthy. Personally I wouldn't go on a first date somewhere I wasn't prepared to pay for - whatever you wanted. I'm happy for my partner to pay for things for me though, he earns more than me. When I used to earn more I'd treat him too.
Original post by Anonymous
I find that survey pretty crazy, I would have thought most people aged 20-30ish would be more equal... Not disputing it, just surprised.
I would not have a problem with a guy who offers, it's a social convention. I have been out with guys who insist or think it takes away from their masculinity if I pay - that's a warning. If I say I prefer to pay my way that should never be an issue.
I get that some 16 year olds have their own money but I'd bet the majority don't. There's also no problem with the boy paying for himself with his mums money but you shouldn't expect the other person's parents to pay just because they happened to birth a boy rather than a girl :P so it has nothing to do with condoms.
I would not have a problem with a guy who offers, it's a social convention. I have been out with guys who insist or think it takes away from their masculinity if I pay - that's a warning. If I say I prefer to pay my way that should never be an issue.
I get that some 16 year olds have their own money but I'd bet the majority don't. There's also no problem with the boy paying for himself with his mums money but you shouldn't expect the other person's parents to pay just because they happened to birth a boy rather than a girl :P so it has nothing to do with condoms.
hit anon by mistake
Original post by doodle_333
Totally fair if you know you're wealthy. Personally I wouldn't go on a first date somewhere I wasn't prepared to pay for - whatever you wanted. I'm happy for my partner to pay for things for me though, he earns more than me. When I used to earn more I'd treat him too.
I agree. If my date was raking it in, and I was struggling, I would appreciate a little help. But usually it is not the case, and rather than go to a cheap restaurant which is not much of an experience, I'd rather offer to pay and go to somewhere quite nice.
I don't think it's just a guy thing to want to actively want to pay. With my ex I would always genuinely prefer to be the one to get the bill, not because I wanted to "wear the trousers" but just if I really like someone, money is no object. We compromised by taking it in turns, but sometimes there'd be times where one of us really wanted to pay and treat the other person, even if it wasn't our turn (not that we kept track). I think it's generally quite a polite and generous thing to do and if a guy wants to pay he shouldn't be made to feel bad about it, let him enjoy the moment. It feels good to treat someone you like. But no, guys don't have to pay for the first date but I think a lot of women appreciate the offer because it kind of indicates that you see a future and that you don't mind paying initially because it'll balance out when you go on more dates.
When you're as young as 16, you don't tend to have a lot of money so I think it's less expected to regularly pay. But I think on a first date, if you've specifically asked them to go somewhere with you, the polite thing to do is to pay their half, or at least each buy your own cinema ticket but you pay for the popcorn. It's those little gestures that can show you're serious about her and like her. They're not necessary but they kind of make it feel more date-like.
When you're as young as 16, you don't tend to have a lot of money so I think it's less expected to regularly pay. But I think on a first date, if you've specifically asked them to go somewhere with you, the polite thing to do is to pay their half, or at least each buy your own cinema ticket but you pay for the popcorn. It's those little gestures that can show you're serious about her and like her. They're not necessary but they kind of make it feel more date-like.
Original post by Anonymous
Recently I've had this discussion with my mum on whether a guy should pay for the date and she believes he always should but I don't agree .... I will gladly either split it or just pay for myself or for example a cinema date i'll buy the food while he buys the tickets. I'm only 16 and I don't want a 16 y/o boy go broke just cause of a few dates lol but my mum still disagrees . Is she correct or am I? I know it's sort of a tradition but I don't think it's right
It is cheaper than other available methods.
Your mum's generation will generally always think that a guy should pay on dates but younger people seem much more relaxed about it. I only think it's ridiculous when girls go on dates with the expectation that the guy should pay for everything or when guys get really offended when a girl offers to pay her half.
Original post by bones-mccoy
Your mum's generation will generally always think that a guy should pay on dates but younger people seem much more relaxed about it. I only think it's ridiculous when girls go on dates with the expectation that the guy should pay for everything or when guys get really offended when a girl offers to pay her half.
I don't get that, me and my girlfriend always split the bill
Original post by Anonymous
Recently I've had this discussion with my mum on whether a guy should pay for the date and she believes he always should but I don't agree .... I will gladly either split it or just pay for myself or for example a cinema date i'll buy the food while he buys the tickets. I'm only 16 and I don't want a 16 y/o boy go broke just cause of a few dates lol but my mum still disagrees . Is she correct or am I? I know it's sort of a tradition but I don't think it's right
Noone 'should' say a guy should pay. Its just a gentlemanly gesture and its out of respect. No girl should expect it and if they do, best off leave them after the date.
Original post by Luke5125
I don't get that, me and my girlfriend always split the bill
I live with my partner in his house and don't pay any bills, so I always buy everything food related, the weekly shop, takeaways, meals out etc apart from Valentine's day (when we split) and my birthday
Original post by bones-mccoy
I live with my partner in his house and don't pay any bills, so I always buy everything food related, the weekly shop, takeaways, meals out etc apart from Valentine's day (when we split) and my birthday
You are Normal.
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