Absent father now wants to be in my life.
Hello
I was looking for an independant viewpoint on my situation. The TLDR version is should I give my father who left before my birth be given a 2nd chance.
Some backround information is that before I was born my father left for ireland as he was havinng an affair and got my mother, plus the women he was actually engaged to, pregnant in the same year and seeked to avoid child care. I am now currently 19 and last year he has made contact with me via a letter, I ignored these however during 2017 I had switched Job and he showed up Mid-shift informing me that he was my dad, this happened as unknown to me, His new finace was my work supervisor and informed him of my shift-patterns, university detail, telephone number etc. At the time i felt exetremly betrayed.
Fast forward to today and ive had several interactions, letters and cheques from him (ive only cashed one in due to mother being in debt and needing the money.) From the interaction ive had with him, he seems nice enough but I cant help but feel as if he abanonded me all those years ago and that Id be betraying my mum by seening him. I dont know if i should fully commit to seening him or saying no I dont want you in my life. I felt i would bias views or cause arguments if discussed with family and felt to uncomfortable to talk to friends about it hence the internet.
Thank you for any input.
I was looking for an independant viewpoint on my situation. The TLDR version is should I give my father who left before my birth be given a 2nd chance.
Some backround information is that before I was born my father left for ireland as he was havinng an affair and got my mother, plus the women he was actually engaged to, pregnant in the same year and seeked to avoid child care. I am now currently 19 and last year he has made contact with me via a letter, I ignored these however during 2017 I had switched Job and he showed up Mid-shift informing me that he was my dad, this happened as unknown to me, His new finace was my work supervisor and informed him of my shift-patterns, university detail, telephone number etc. At the time i felt exetremly betrayed.
Fast forward to today and ive had several interactions, letters and cheques from him (ive only cashed one in due to mother being in debt and needing the money.) From the interaction ive had with him, he seems nice enough but I cant help but feel as if he abanonded me all those years ago and that Id be betraying my mum by seening him. I dont know if i should fully commit to seening him or saying no I dont want you in my life. I felt i would bias views or cause arguments if discussed with family and felt to uncomfortable to talk to friends about it hence the internet.
Thank you for any input.
Original post by Anonymous
Hello
I was looking for an independant viewpoint on my situation. The TLDR version is should I give my father who left before my birth be given a 2nd chance.
Some backround information is that before I was born my father left for ireland as he was havinng an affair and got my mother, plus the women he was actually engaged to, pregnant in the same year and seeked to avoid child care. I am now currently 19 and last year he has made contact with me via a letter, I ignored these however during 2017 I had switched Job and he showed up Mid-shift informing me that he was my dad, this happened as unknown to me, His new finace was my work supervisor and informed him of my shift-patterns, university detail, telephone number etc. At the time i felt exetremly betrayed.
Fast forward to today and ive had several interactions, letters and cheques from him (ive only cashed one in due to mother being in debt and needing the money.) From the interaction ive had with him, he seems nice enough but I cant help but feel as if he abanonded me all those years ago and that Id be betraying my mum by seening him. I dont know if i should fully commit to seening him or saying no I dont want you in my life. I felt i would bias views or cause arguments if discussed with family and felt to uncomfortable to talk to friends about it hence the internet.
Thank you for any input.
I was looking for an independant viewpoint on my situation. The TLDR version is should I give my father who left before my birth be given a 2nd chance.
Some backround information is that before I was born my father left for ireland as he was havinng an affair and got my mother, plus the women he was actually engaged to, pregnant in the same year and seeked to avoid child care. I am now currently 19 and last year he has made contact with me via a letter, I ignored these however during 2017 I had switched Job and he showed up Mid-shift informing me that he was my dad, this happened as unknown to me, His new finace was my work supervisor and informed him of my shift-patterns, university detail, telephone number etc. At the time i felt exetremly betrayed.
Fast forward to today and ive had several interactions, letters and cheques from him (ive only cashed one in due to mother being in debt and needing the money.) From the interaction ive had with him, he seems nice enough but I cant help but feel as if he abanonded me all those years ago and that Id be betraying my mum by seening him. I dont know if i should fully commit to seening him or saying no I dont want you in my life. I felt i would bias views or cause arguments if discussed with family and felt to uncomfortable to talk to friends about it hence the internet.
Thank you for any input.
Honestly I don't think anybody can tell you what to do, but I'm sure just talking it through would help.
To give you my experience:
I too have an absent biological father, I have had absolutely nothing to do with him since he left. Although as my mother is also in debt (90% of it due to him), I do take the money. I vehemently dislike him and think he's an actually awful person and no I won't forgive him. My mother talked about killing herself recently because of the debt and stress he caused so in my case, I would see it as an ultimate act of betrayal of my mother to see him.
However, that's my experience and I have fierce opinions on it. You're circumstances, despite the similarities is different and your feelings may be different. Although I have to say his behaviour jumping on you and the abuse of power by your boss is repugnant - I really hope you left that job. I am constantly paranoid my biological father knows what I'm doing/where I live/where I go to university and my mother always makes sure that my brother never tells him.
If you feel uncomfortable with the contact, you don't necessarily have to say you want to cut all contact, but maybe write to him to say you feel uncomfortable and would like him to keep his distance. If he ignores that, I absolutely would cut ties with him as he's being incredibly selfish and ignoring your feelings.
(edited 6 years ago)
No, they always do this.
My own father was the same, only difference is he stuck around till I was 11 - but wasn't a 'father' in any way, shape or form - and was violent and aggressive towards my mum, me and my siblings, very very useless and lazy and made little to no effort to actually be a dad. He worked and had money but he gambled most of it away and gave us the smallest percentage of money to my mum every now and again, enough to pay for food - usually whenever he wanted a decent meal. He never wanted to be a dad, it was obvious. He used to say it himself. And only left when my mum finally found the guts to throw him out. He ignored us for over 10 years but two years ago suddenly tried getting back into our life again, acting like father of the year. Acting as if he had never even left. He was full of praise and compliments, telling us he always thought of us and always loved us (but of course couldn't answer us when we said 'well how come you never called or visited or even sent a ****ing birthday card?' ) but the story is - his parents are dead, his siblings never speak to him, hes got no money to his name and recently had a heart attack as well so of course NOW he suddenly remembered that he has children and wants to be part of our life again. We all work now too and make a decent wage each, even my mum is working and we're in a much better position in life so of course he wants to come back. But we haven't let him.
Two of my friends are the same, absent father their whole life until he suddenly had a reason to come back. They ALWAY have a reason for wanting to come back and sadly the reason is never because they actually want to be part of their kids lives. People who actually want to be part of their kids lives never leave. Even if they break up, they are always around trying to see their kids. They refuse to leave. Whereas your dad and my dad willingly walked, left us, ignored us and then suddenly remembered us many years later. **** him, he didn't care about you so why should you care about him?
My own father was the same, only difference is he stuck around till I was 11 - but wasn't a 'father' in any way, shape or form - and was violent and aggressive towards my mum, me and my siblings, very very useless and lazy and made little to no effort to actually be a dad. He worked and had money but he gambled most of it away and gave us the smallest percentage of money to my mum every now and again, enough to pay for food - usually whenever he wanted a decent meal. He never wanted to be a dad, it was obvious. He used to say it himself. And only left when my mum finally found the guts to throw him out. He ignored us for over 10 years but two years ago suddenly tried getting back into our life again, acting like father of the year. Acting as if he had never even left. He was full of praise and compliments, telling us he always thought of us and always loved us (but of course couldn't answer us when we said 'well how come you never called or visited or even sent a ****ing birthday card?' ) but the story is - his parents are dead, his siblings never speak to him, hes got no money to his name and recently had a heart attack as well so of course NOW he suddenly remembered that he has children and wants to be part of our life again. We all work now too and make a decent wage each, even my mum is working and we're in a much better position in life so of course he wants to come back. But we haven't let him.
Two of my friends are the same, absent father their whole life until he suddenly had a reason to come back. They ALWAY have a reason for wanting to come back and sadly the reason is never because they actually want to be part of their kids lives. People who actually want to be part of their kids lives never leave. Even if they break up, they are always around trying to see their kids. They refuse to leave. Whereas your dad and my dad willingly walked, left us, ignored us and then suddenly remembered us many years later. **** him, he didn't care about you so why should you care about him?
he could have really really genuinely regretted it. I think you should give him a chance to get the guilt off your shoulder.
Original post by sarah99630
he could have really really genuinely regretted it. I think you should give him a chance to get the guilt off your shoulder.
Honestly I hate this mentality. Doesn't matter if he genuinely regretted it, actions have consequences, one of the consequences of leaving your unborn child is that you are not entitled to a relationship with them when they grow up.
I really hope the OP doesn't feel guilty, because none of this is your fault. His 'hurt' feelings of you ignoring him is not your responsibility at all.
Original post by Anonymous
Hello
I was looking for an independant viewpoint on my situation. The TLDR version is should I give my father who left before my birth be given a 2nd chance.
Some backround information is that before I was born my father left for ireland as he was havinng an affair and got my mother, plus the women he was actually engaged to, pregnant in the same year and seeked to avoid child care. I am now currently 19 and last year he has made contact with me via a letter, I ignored these however during 2017 I had switched Job and he showed up Mid-shift informing me that he was my dad, this happened as unknown to me, His new finace was my work supervisor and informed him of my shift-patterns, university detail, telephone number etc. At the time i felt exetremly betrayed.
Fast forward to today and ive had several interactions, letters and cheques from him (ive only cashed one in due to mother being in debt and needing the money.) From the interaction ive had with him, he seems nice enough but I cant help but feel as if he abanonded me all those years ago and that Id be betraying my mum by seening him. I dont know if i should fully commit to seening him or saying no I dont want you in my life. I felt i would bias views or cause arguments if discussed with family and felt to uncomfortable to talk to friends about it hence the internet.
Thank you for any input.
I was looking for an independant viewpoint on my situation. The TLDR version is should I give my father who left before my birth be given a 2nd chance.
Some backround information is that before I was born my father left for ireland as he was havinng an affair and got my mother, plus the women he was actually engaged to, pregnant in the same year and seeked to avoid child care. I am now currently 19 and last year he has made contact with me via a letter, I ignored these however during 2017 I had switched Job and he showed up Mid-shift informing me that he was my dad, this happened as unknown to me, His new finace was my work supervisor and informed him of my shift-patterns, university detail, telephone number etc. At the time i felt exetremly betrayed.
Fast forward to today and ive had several interactions, letters and cheques from him (ive only cashed one in due to mother being in debt and needing the money.) From the interaction ive had with him, he seems nice enough but I cant help but feel as if he abanonded me all those years ago and that Id be betraying my mum by seening him. I dont know if i should fully commit to seening him or saying no I dont want you in my life. I felt i would bias views or cause arguments if discussed with family and felt to uncomfortable to talk to friends about it hence the internet.
Thank you for any input.
Op you have every right to feel the way you do. Even though the circumstances surrounding your birth wasn’t ideal, your father should have been man enough to be in your life.
When I was 7 my dad and my mum divorced and he was pretty much absent after that,upon until I was about 17 (which he f-up by making false assumptions about me). And now I’m in my early 20s he wants to reconnect I work full time I don’t have time to do all the things he has missed out. Unfortunately I feel like it’s too late.
You’re 4 years younger than me so it still possible for you to have a relationship with him. If you really really want him in your life give it a shot and see how it goes. But be open about your feelings ( I wasn’t with my father) and remember he f-up.
Side note: Your father’s new fiancé broke the law by providing personal information about me to your father, (if you were to sue your employer you would have won in court) and that’s unacceptable.
Original post by ChangeOurWorld
Honestly I hate this mentality. Doesn't matter if he genuinely regretted it, actions have consequences, one of the consequences of leaving your unborn child is that you are not entitled to a relationship with them when they grow up.
I really hope the OP doesn't feel guilty, because none of this is your fault. His 'hurt' feelings of you ignoring him is not your responsibility at all.
I really hope the OP doesn't feel guilty, because none of this is your fault. His 'hurt' feelings of you ignoring him is not your responsibility at all.
I totally understand your point. I'm sorry if it came across wrong.
Original post by Anonymous
Hello
I was looking for an independant viewpoint on my situation. The TLDR version is should I give my father who left before my birth be given a 2nd chance.
Some backround information is that before I was born my father left for ireland as he was havinng an affair and got my mother, plus the women he was actually engaged to, pregnant in the same year and seeked to avoid child care. I am now currently 19 and last year he has made contact with me via a letter, I ignored these however during 2017 I had switched Job and he showed up Mid-shift informing me that he was my dad, this happened as unknown to me, His new finace was my work supervisor and informed him of my shift-patterns, university detail, telephone number etc. At the time i felt exetremly betrayed.
Fast forward to today and ive had several interactions, letters and cheques from him (ive only cashed one in due to mother being in debt and needing the money.) From the interaction ive had with him, he seems nice enough but I cant help but feel as if he abanonded me all those years ago and that Id be betraying my mum by seening him. I dont know if i should fully commit to seening him or saying no I dont want you in my life. I felt i would bias views or cause arguments if discussed with family and felt to uncomfortable to talk to friends about it hence the internet.
Thank you for any input.
I was looking for an independant viewpoint on my situation. The TLDR version is should I give my father who left before my birth be given a 2nd chance.
Some backround information is that before I was born my father left for ireland as he was havinng an affair and got my mother, plus the women he was actually engaged to, pregnant in the same year and seeked to avoid child care. I am now currently 19 and last year he has made contact with me via a letter, I ignored these however during 2017 I had switched Job and he showed up Mid-shift informing me that he was my dad, this happened as unknown to me, His new finace was my work supervisor and informed him of my shift-patterns, university detail, telephone number etc. At the time i felt exetremly betrayed.
Fast forward to today and ive had several interactions, letters and cheques from him (ive only cashed one in due to mother being in debt and needing the money.) From the interaction ive had with him, he seems nice enough but I cant help but feel as if he abanonded me all those years ago and that Id be betraying my mum by seening him. I dont know if i should fully commit to seening him or saying no I dont want you in my life. I felt i would bias views or cause arguments if discussed with family and felt to uncomfortable to talk to friends about it hence the internet.
Thank you for any input.
Just as men are trash and so are fathers. Some are actually nice but some fall in this category.
He seems nice and he’s giving u money, which are all the things my dad doesn’t do. Me and my siblings leave in his house but it’s like we already moved out. We pay for everything we need including food. We work and to school at the same time. And we can’t move out cause we can’t afford rent while concentrating in school at the sametime.
Giving your dad a second chance is up to u and I think u should talk to your mom first m.
My Dad left my mum before I was born too, we've never met. I have around 6 paternal half-siblings (from various mums) who I've never met either. He's never provided anything for me, financial or otherwise. I completely relate to you not wanting to talk to your family about this, I feel the same. I think that if I ever tried telling them how I feel then I would feel like I am betraying them. I've been waiting my whole life for him to make contact with me, but it's never happened and I'm starting to lose hope now- I'm 19 too. I always think about a time when I would get to meet him, and I've been trying to fathom how I could facilitate a meeting. It's hard to say what I'd do in your situation, but I have always wanted to ask my Dad various questions about why he never wanted me or if he ever thought about me etc, so I think (if this is what you're interested in) then that's how I would start. But of course not everyone has those questions and not everyone wants them answered. Although lots of people are in similar situations, no two people are going to experience it in the same way, so I can't advise you on what to do. It just depends on if you actually were hoping for/think ahead to a time when you would get contact with him, and if you have any questions that you want to get answered, or if actually, you are completely fine without him in your life and you don't long for any of that. Or maybe you never considered what it would be like to possibly have him back in your life, but now you might quite like the idea (or not). In these situations, we think of and try to protect our families, and in mine and your case, especially our Mum's feelings. But I think this is mostly about you figuring out for yourself what YOU want and what you want to happen. And you are the only person who can figure that out. I hope that you can figure out what you truly want, but I guess that the hardest thing to do. And I hope whatever you choose works out and that you are happier because of it since you should do what is best for you and your own wellbeing. That's easier said than done because, of course, we have to think about how our decisions will affect others, but you should just try to focus on what's best for you right now 
Original post by Anonymous
Hello
I was looking for an independant viewpoint on my situation. The TLDR version is should I give my father who left before my birth be given a 2nd chance.
Some backround information is that before I was born my father left for ireland as he was havinng an affair and got my mother, plus the women he was actually engaged to, pregnant in the same year and seeked to avoid child care. I am now currently 19 and last year he has made contact with me via a letter, I ignored these however during 2017 I had switched Job and he showed up Mid-shift informing me that he was my dad, this happened as unknown to me, His new finace was my work supervisor and informed him of my shift-patterns, university detail, telephone number etc. At the time i felt exetremly betrayed.
Fast forward to today and ive had several interactions, letters and cheques from him (ive only cashed one in due to mother being in debt and needing the money.) From the interaction ive had with him, he seems nice enough but I cant help but feel as if he abanonded me all those years ago and that Id be betraying my mum by seening him. I dont know if i should fully commit to seening him or saying no I dont want you in my life. I felt i would bias views or cause arguments if discussed with family and felt to uncomfortable to talk to friends about it hence the internet.
Thank you for any input.
I was looking for an independant viewpoint on my situation. The TLDR version is should I give my father who left before my birth be given a 2nd chance.
Some backround information is that before I was born my father left for ireland as he was havinng an affair and got my mother, plus the women he was actually engaged to, pregnant in the same year and seeked to avoid child care. I am now currently 19 and last year he has made contact with me via a letter, I ignored these however during 2017 I had switched Job and he showed up Mid-shift informing me that he was my dad, this happened as unknown to me, His new finace was my work supervisor and informed him of my shift-patterns, university detail, telephone number etc. At the time i felt exetremly betrayed.
Fast forward to today and ive had several interactions, letters and cheques from him (ive only cashed one in due to mother being in debt and needing the money.) From the interaction ive had with him, he seems nice enough but I cant help but feel as if he abanonded me all those years ago and that Id be betraying my mum by seening him. I dont know if i should fully commit to seening him or saying no I dont want you in my life. I felt i would bias views or cause arguments if discussed with family and felt to uncomfortable to talk to friends about it hence the internet.
Thank you for any input.
You need to do what you want to do. If you have questions you want answering or things you need to tell him about what he did to your childhood then perhaps think about seeing him, but do it on your terms and take someone with you that you trust.
Do not let his his desire to build bridges influence you if you don't want to see him - he gave you nothing and was never a father to you. You owe him nothing. You should also cash any cheques he sends - it will be a drop in the ocean compared to the financial support you and you mum had a right to expect.
Very best wishes
Original post by Anonymous
Hello
I was looking for an independant viewpoint on my situation. The TLDR version is should I give my father who left before my birth be given a 2nd chance.
Some backround information is that before I was born my father left for ireland as he was havinng an affair and got my mother, plus the women he was actually engaged to, pregnant in the same year and seeked to avoid child care. I am now currently 19 and last year he has made contact with me via a letter, I ignored these however during 2017 I had switched Job and he showed up Mid-shift informing me that he was my dad, this happened as unknown to me, His new finace was my work supervisor and informed him of my shift-patterns, university detail, telephone number etc. At the time i felt exetremly betrayed.
Fast forward to today and ive had several interactions, letters and cheques from him (ive only cashed one in due to mother being in debt and needing the money.) From the interaction ive had with him, he seems nice enough but I cant help but feel as if he abanonded me all those years ago and that Id be betraying my mum by seening him. I dont know if i should fully commit to seening him or saying no I dont want you in my life. I felt i would bias views or cause arguments if discussed with family and felt to uncomfortable to talk to friends about it hence the internet.
Thank you for any input.
I was looking for an independant viewpoint on my situation. The TLDR version is should I give my father who left before my birth be given a 2nd chance.
Some backround information is that before I was born my father left for ireland as he was havinng an affair and got my mother, plus the women he was actually engaged to, pregnant in the same year and seeked to avoid child care. I am now currently 19 and last year he has made contact with me via a letter, I ignored these however during 2017 I had switched Job and he showed up Mid-shift informing me that he was my dad, this happened as unknown to me, His new finace was my work supervisor and informed him of my shift-patterns, university detail, telephone number etc. At the time i felt exetremly betrayed.
Fast forward to today and ive had several interactions, letters and cheques from him (ive only cashed one in due to mother being in debt and needing the money.) From the interaction ive had with him, he seems nice enough but I cant help but feel as if he abanonded me all those years ago and that Id be betraying my mum by seening him. I dont know if i should fully commit to seening him or saying no I dont want you in my life. I felt i would bias views or cause arguments if discussed with family and felt to uncomfortable to talk to friends about it hence the internet.
Thank you for any input.
First the fiance who gave away your work details was grossly unprofessional and would be reprimanded if you made a complaint. She has breached your privacy and misused private records.
Second whatever you decide to do about your father is right. Your life your choice and he has zero say.
I have good insight on this topic, so I imagine youd feel angry, nervous, want to be loyal to your mum, confused and curious. Take your time imo. I wouldnt cash any more cheques unless you had to.
keep him out and then let him in only if you want to and at your own pace. Imo he is a biological father but your mum seems to have done the job of both. he may well have changed, but the reasons he left were not nice , so make him wait. That might be till you are older after uni or 25+ when you are more settled. That is how I would deal with it.
You owe him nothing and dont exist to salve his conscience.
Mine didn't crop up till I was 16 (cynical bugger) I'm fine and happy enough to be in touch with him and all, but I doubt we'll be too close. I've never sought to put him on the spot over him bailing though, what's done is done, but its 100% up to me how much I let him in my life or what, if any, expectations I have (not many) and things seem to work well on that basis.
First and foremost i would like to say thanks for all the well written and helpful posts, I do understand that this is ultimately my decision but i felt the need to express my thoughts and concerns as well as to get the opinions of others who share the same boat.
I am so glad I did as the posts in the chat have given me alot more clarity, expressing both views that i have considered and views that I never though about. I will likely spend some time thinking more about the matter but feel much less stressed/confused in regards to it =).
I am so glad I did as the posts in the chat have given me alot more clarity, expressing both views that i have considered and views that I never though about. I will likely spend some time thinking more about the matter but feel much less stressed/confused in regards to it =).
People like this just play mind games for years. What's to say that he won't be "Dad of the Year" for now, and put a lot of effort into getting back into your life... only to bugger off again at the drop of a hat? You can't trust people who coast in and out of your life in such ways, they are a waste of emotional effort.
Original post by Anonymous
First and foremost i would like to say thanks for all the well written and helpful posts, I do understand that this is ultimately my decision but i felt the need to express my thoughts and concerns as well as to get the opinions of others who share the same boat.
I am so glad I did as the posts in the chat have given me alot more clarity, expressing both views that i have considered and views that I never though about. I will likely spend some time thinking more about the matter but feel much less stressed/confused in regards to it =).
I am so glad I did as the posts in the chat have given me alot more clarity, expressing both views that i have considered and views that I never though about. I will likely spend some time thinking more about the matter but feel much less stressed/confused in regards to it =).
Good, I'm really glad it helped you. Good luck!
Quick Reply
Related discussions
- anyone else?
- kicked out of college
- Dolls' House compared to Bell Jar?
- english creative story
- Dad made me uncomfortable as a child, is this normal?
- Inheritance
- Sports day excuse!!
- Don't know what to do with my life.
- AITA? My sister told me it was my fault our dad is dying...
- What should I do as a Muslim?
- Muslims please
- How do I deal with my on and off step dad?
- How to deal with a abusive father?
- Gillian Keegan: Headteachers should pick up absent pupils from home
- my parents are not proud of me
- i am anxious for A levels because i will start at 19- should i be?
- how does Dickens present Scrooge as an outsider to society?
- Rich Dad Poor Dad
- Was what I did wrong that my father had to slap me?
- Breaking up
Latest
Trending
Last reply 1 week ago
I failed my GCSE'S my parents said they are disgusted with meLast reply 1 week ago
parents aren't letting me go on a uni residential - what do i do?Last reply 2 weeks ago
Dad keeps criticising my university degree choiceLast reply 2 weeks ago
Is this pathetic or genuinely something to be upset aboutLast reply 3 weeks ago
How do I cut off parents at the start of my University year?Trending
Last reply 1 week ago
I failed my GCSE'S my parents said they are disgusted with meLast reply 1 week ago
parents aren't letting me go on a uni residential - what do i do?Last reply 2 weeks ago
Dad keeps criticising my university degree choiceLast reply 2 weeks ago
Is this pathetic or genuinely something to be upset aboutLast reply 3 weeks ago
How do I cut off parents at the start of my University year?
