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Brother's being bullied at Uni

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A lot of the advice in this thread is absolutely appalingly terrible knee-jerk *******s.

Once you get past a certain age, little 'bullying' is intentionally malicious. Its far more likely that it is just insensitive people who have not come across aspergers before 'having a laugh'. These kinds of people can easily be reasoned with, or shamed, into acting more reasonably. The very worst thing he could do is threaten them or otherwise escalate things (he would permenantly become "that psycho").

1) Encourage your brother to rise above it. The facebook stuff is easily avoided by privacy settings he should have set already.

2) With regards to specific issues like noise, get him to speak REASONABLY to the culprits - no blame, no accusations or threats or other escalation, just say that its waking him up at night, and do they mind trying to avoid that. Even if they are doing it on purpose, this sets a record of reasonable behaviour which will later be extremely useful if, for example, the dean or whoever needs to be involved. In most cases they will make more effort.

Note that in many halls, coming home while drunk makes a certain level of noise inevitable - its one of the quirks of halls life. If it is genuinely unintentional and continues, he just has to get over it, get earplugs or find other ways to cope. At my first year halls there were a couple of noise nazis who used to get extremely angry at evening and night time noise (in a very old building with poor insulation, even normal conversation carries). Tbh, so long as the noise was not unreasonable it was their problem - having a quiet conversation in the kitchen before midnight is completely reasonable and if they are so on edge they cant sleep, that's definitely something for them to work on.

3) If it genuinely is malicious (not just in your brothers view but objectively speaking), then consider shaming them directly - send them a plea by message on facebook, saying they are making him miserable. This is a last resort as you should not be fighting your brother's battles.

In some cases the 'bullies' feel justified in their behaviour because of eccentric or anti-social behaviour on the part of the 'bullied' - in this case the easiest way out is to identify the eccentric or anti-social behaviour and STOP DOING IT. For example, in my halls there was a guy who EVERYONE was hostile to because he used to play extremely loud metal music through an amp late at night (and believe it or not, sometimes plug a mic in and kareoke along to "BULLET IN MY HEAD BULLET IN MY HEAD!". I lived next to him and it would wake me up (I'm a deep sleeper) 3 nights a week or more, usually around 3am though sometimes later. I (and several others) tried to reason with him on several occasions, but he just ignored us (literally, no verbal response). I'm sure the hostility everyone projected towards him for the rest of the year could be called "bullying" (for example, he would never be invited to halls parties or group meals), but really I have no guilt about it, he was horribly and unrepentantly antisocial and caused me a lot of suffering. Even if he had some kind of disability (as I guess is likely), this shouldn't mean I should have had to put up with his behaviour.

(edited 13 years ago)

Reply 61

Bonged.

Original post by HarryA

Go there with a bunch of your friends and say something like:

"If that's how you treat those who are close to you how the hell do you expect to get girlfriends? We've all just seen how you treat my brother and none of you are ever going to get with any of us. You guys might as well screw each other because you are never going to get a nice girls with treating people like that".

lol what if they're all mingers. could encourage them.

Anyway, op get your brother to inform the uni/aviation school whatever. Make a point that they are bullying him because of his disability. They should get in alot of trouble.

Reply 62

Escriba

Damn them! Damn them all to hell! But seriously-if I were your brother I would ignore them completely-he's obviously way better than them anyway. Why include such low-lives into his own?

Reply 63

Peregrinum

Original post by haveyoumetmissjones

I know I'll get negged for this. Eh.

We suspect that one of the boys in our flat has mild aspergers, although we've never been informed. I've got to say, from someone else's perspective, it's really quite difficult to be placed in a situation where you are with someone with aspergers alot when you have no experience of it. I would never bully anyone, completely not in my nature and I think it's foul, but you've got to appreciate how it is impossible to tolerate someone who is so eccentric and gah the words wont come out properly. The boy I live with will not leave me alone, and will not stop talking to me if I'm in the kitchen. I try my best not to be snappish and rude, but sometmes I cannot help myself. It must be horrible for the guy, but you have got to see from other people's point of view. Maybe to them he is annoying and rude, and they do not realise why. We understand that our flatmate is different, others dont, and others see him as 'weird'. I know it's no excuse for bullying, but do these bullies know anything of his asperger's?

Also, pulling pranks is the norm in halls. It really really is.

I know this post sounds horrible and not totally coherent, but maybe by talking to and educating the bullies it may stop?

From a POV of someone with AS, I don't think this post sounds horrible or deserves to be negged. However, you should realize that the person who has Asperger's isn't trying to be annoying. Social rules don't come naturally to people on the spectrum, they don't pick them up intuitively. For example, a sort of half-hearted teasing is very difficult for me to make sense of, I can never tell whether the people are teasing me, being serious, being angry, offering constructive criticism or god knows what. And not understanding your own environment is frustrating and exhausting. Anyhow, my point is that snapping at someone else may get your point across in an instant, but a person with AS may never pick it up. As moronic as it may sound, you have to spell it out for the guy. Explain to him, in a constructive manner with no blaming or accusations, which aspects of his behavior you're not fond of. Let him know what is not exactly acceptable and what is acceptable, give him some tips on how he could try to socialize in a way that makes others around him and himself as well feel okay (and if you can do all that without making him feel like he has to be different/someone else in order to fit, then you may very well be on your way to forming a sort-of friendship). :smile:

(edited 13 years ago)

Reply 64

Tallon

That's disgraceful. Your poor brother. At university as well...

Reply 65

concubine

I could make a video diary of what it's like living in my block, that might make him feel better.

Reply 66

Bonged.

Original post by concubine

I could make a video diary of what it's like living in my block, that might make him feel better.

What goes on in your block? :confused:

Reply 67

Cheshire_Cat

Original post by TheSocialScientist

If you study close to London or Oxford I volunteer for the beating up, I'd like to channel my hate for bullies in a few, well-directed crosses, hooks and uppercuts.