Wondering why I ever got involved with this guy and what he actually wanted.

I have been involved in an on-off FWB for 2 years, which finally came to an end this week.
This guy has been single for 3.5 years and has told me for 2 years that he is still partially in love with his ex-girlfriend and still hurt by what she did ( I don't know what this is)

He told me that he has had feelings for no girls at all since, and that this includes me. However, he has always maintained he fancies me but says 'love can't be controlled' and he 'cannot do anything about it'.

He tells me 'cannot love me' and 'doesn't want us to be together' even if he is attracted to me and really likes me etc... He says he has problems and wants to see a therapist etc. but just wants to be alone..

Anyway, despite this he has wanted to be sexually involved with me but has finally stopped as he realises it won't help my feelings by doing so.

We live far apart and have often sent sexual messages etc. online but every time we saw each other in person he didn't see it as a good idea to sleep together, which I understood but the situation was strange.

He has always been jealous if there were other guys and has even told me this.

We've spoken almost every day for 2 years but we no longer get on well and I've finally decided that this is time to stop contact.

2 nights ago, he came onto me (online) and was asking me to send him pictures and the like. The following day, he said that it shouldn't ever happen again etc.. but this is far from the first time he's said this.

I could have and should have said no from the beginning. Initially, I thought he liked me and convinced myself it could become more. But with time it became clear that he'd never want anything serious and I suppose I thought it would still be a way to have some kind of connection with him and I was very attracted to him/enjoyed the attention.

I know this is the time to move on; I've tried to convince myself (and him) for some time that I didn't have any feelings, but unfortunately I always have.

I know I've really made mistakes with him, we both have, and I just don't know what to make of it all.

Maybe he just hasn't wanted commitment at all, which is fine and I understand... just all this stuff about wanting to attach but not being able to etc. He told me we were just friends, but I cannot understand why he did this for 2 years.

I'm sure there were other girls who he actually had an interest in who he could have done it with. I guess I'd just like to understand better and have answers, and stop myself making this mistake in the future..

Reply 1

becca385

Well he sounds a tad dramatic doesn’t he?! Just tell him straight up that it’s either all or nothing - he either agrees to a potential relationship or he stops going to you when he’s horny.

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

Yeah you are right... but I guess that if he hasn't wanted one in 2 years then it's unlikely he ever will. I shouldn't try to be FWB with him; I've also been in the wrong by flirting with him and now I really need to cut contact.
I just don't know if he didn't want to be with me because of these 'issues' he has, or if it's all just excuses and he just never liked me enough....

Reply 3

crimniam

Cut the ***** out of your life. This is obviously never going to be long term. It's frankly cruel of him to mess you around the way he has. **** wit him if you like, but only keep him as a side ting if you can stay emotionally detached. He doesn't seem worth waiting around for seriously.

Reply 4

Feastful

Original post by Anonymous

I have been involved in an on-off FWB for 2 years, which finally came to an end this week.

Original post by Anonymous

We live far apart and have often sent sexual messages etc. online but every time we saw each other in person he didn't see it as a good idea to sleep together, which I understood but the situation was strange.

I'm a little confused here. If you were friends with benefits but he didn't want to sleep with you (nor loved you etc), then what exactly was the dynamic of the relationship?

Original post by Anonymous

He tells me 'cannot love me' and 'doesn't want us to be together' even if he is attracted to me and really likes me etc... He says he has problems and wants to see a therapist etc. but just wants to be alone..

Anyway, despite this he has wanted to be sexually involved with me but has finally stopped as he realises it won't help my feelings by doing so.

So basically you began a FWB relationship with an issued guy and then developed feelings towards him (but the feelings went unrequited).

Original post by Anonymous

He has always been jealous if there were other guys and has even told me this.

Not much of an FWB relationship if the guy can't handle you being around other guys.

Original post by Anonymous

I know this is the time to move on; I've tried to convince myself (and him) for some time that I didn't have any feelings, but unfortunately I always have.

I know I've really made mistakes with him, we both have, and I just don't know what to make of it all.

Maybe he just hasn't wanted commitment at all, which is fine and I understand... just all this stuff about wanting to attach but not being able to etc. He told me we were just friends, but I cannot understand why he did this for 2 years.

I'm sure there were other girls who he actually had an interest in who he could have done it with. I guess I'd just like to understand better and have answers, and stop myself making this mistake in the future..

He did it for 2 years because you ALLOWED him to do it for 2 years.

2 years is a long time to put up with such a non-relationship!

You need to set the bar higher- although it sounds like he may have stringed you along, at the same time it sounds like deep down you were always aware that this was the case (but you chose to ignore it). But you have to understand, that in life (to a certain extent), people will treat you in life how you allow them to treat you (and when you realized long ago that you wanted something more in the relationship, you should have been clear about your feelings, given him an ultimatum and prepared yourself to move on if he wasn't interested).

Youth is short, don't waste it on those who don't appreciate you.

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

Thanks for the replies.... you are 100% right.

I think that I've been in the wrong for holding on... I think I told myself that he just doesn't want a relationship atm because of his 'issues' but in the future, that could change. But, I have to accept that he would probably never want one with me regardless; even if he tells me he 'cannot get attached'.

Last year he told me 'You know, I really like you deep down." And he said I had 'everything to please' and yeah I guess it's messed with my head, but I am also to blame....

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

At the beginning we had sex but then the last few times he says he 'panicked' and didn't think it was a good idea, but then went back to doing stuff online, which is just isilly really, but again I allowed it.

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

Do you think it sounds like maybe he liked me but just has these issues, or that he knew from the beginning he only wanted one thing with me?

Reply 8

Feastful

Original post by Anonymous

Do you think it sounds like maybe he liked me but just has these issues, or that he knew from the beginning he only wanted one thing with me?

You agreed to a FWB relationship with him- of course he only wanted one thing from the beginning.

Whether he had issues or was making excuses though?

I would guess the latter; although its possible that he had "issues", what the real question should be was whether he had any genuine will to get himself sorted out or not. Sometimes people are a victim of mental health problems, but at the same time, they use their mental health problems as an excuse to get away with repeated acts of bad or shoddy behaviour.

Its a murky area ("how long is a piece of string?" Etc), however, you were with the guy for a long time, and over those 2 years, did he show any real genuine will and make any real efforts to change? No?

Well there you have your answer.

Really, at this point it shouldn't matter whether he couldn't get his act together or lied full stop because you're not going back to him either way. Beyond that point, you're just making excuses for his shoddy behaviour (and you're worth more than that).

Focus on your future more (because if you're always looking behind, you won't be able to see ahead). Sometimes in life you just gotta get tough, because whether someone has genuine issues or not, after a certain point you need to get on with your own life (and what you want out of it).

You both did things wrong in this relationship- use it as a learning curve, value yourself more and move on.

Reply 9

Salma26

If he's told you certain things like he doesnt want a r'ship or it would be a bad idea. I would listen to him and move on in the first instance. He was messing you about because he wasn't in a good place to begin with and he just strung you along to make himself feel better about his life.

Self -respect is key, build on that! - Don't let this happen to you again.

& what above has said ^^

Reply 10

Anonymous #1

Thanks for the replies... I think I've stuck around so much because I tried to kid myself that he really did like me deep down (he actually told me those exact words last year) but that he just had these attachment problems and that eventually he'd fall for me etc.. I know that's totally stupid.. but as he has been single for 3.5 years, I guess I believed it.

The truth is probably that he met me and thought meh I don't really see her as girlfriend material but I find her attractive so I'd like to have sex.. I need to repeat this to myself and as others have said, learn from my mistakes and realise I am worth more...

Reply 11

Feastful

You are definitely worth more. And if you want more, then you have to value yourself more. After all, if you place a very low value on yourself, then how can you expect people to value you any more?
Don't sell yourself short (putting up with shoddy behaviour and making effort for those who don't make any effort for you etc).

There are much better quality guys out there (free of issues, more discerning in standards and wanting much more out of life etc) and some of these guys will want you (and will see you as girlfriend material straight off the bat). Believe it :smile:

!

All begins with endings, and this will be a good point in your life to start getting back to basics and refocus on living life to better yourself (instead of someone else). Recognize, realize and acknowledge how toxic this guy was for you. Surround yourself with better positive people (quality friends, decent caring family members, supportive smart teachers etc).