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My pakistani parents (especially my mom) are extremely controlling...

Girl i felt like someone was narrating my story! This is LEGIT the story of life,i see all my friends wearing cool clothes going to hang out with their friends,i feel so left out.They have social media accounts and I'm not even ALLOWED THAT!Its the worst thing in the world!I pray to Allah that maybe one DAY things will get better,Inshallahtaala.And the worst part is,my brother doesn't care at all either and he makes sure that i don't get basic freedom while he goes out with his friends,goes to houseparties and mom doesn't know and she stills loves him so much.I feel helpless too.Honestly the only thing that keeps me going is Dua and Inshallahtaala,Allah making everything betterHang in there sister!

Reply 121

Aryz

15

Original post by Ayema123

Girl i felt like someone was narrating my story! This is LEGIT the story of life,i see all my friends wearing cool clothes going to hang out with their friends,i feel so left out.They have social media accounts and I'm not even ALLOWED THAT!Its the worst thing in the world!I pray to Allah that maybe one DAY things will get better,Inshallahtaala.And the worst part is,my brother doesn't care at all either and he makes sure that i don't get basic freedom while he goes out with his friends,goes to houseparties and mom doesn't know and she stills loves him so much.I feel helpless too.Honestly the only thing that keeps me going is Dua and Inshallahtaala,Allah making everything betterHang in there sister!

the only thing thats sad is ur brother making sure u dont go out while hes out partying and mom doesnt know *****y situation. ur mom and dad are probably worried about u going on social media bcuz of the dangers that can occur on there and they just want to protect u. .Inshallah things will get better and ur parents will let u have freedom

(edited 3 years ago)

Reply 122

NurseCarol

16

Original post by Anonymous

I’ve been dealing with controlling parents my entire life! My mom controls what i wear (i am not aloud to wear western clothing but instead pakistani clothing even though i live in england), she controls who i am friends with and she controls where i go (i can never go out with friends or go shopping!)

Ever since i was a kid i was never aloud to go to birthday parties or even hold a birthday party. I wasn’t aloud to go to sleepovers or go to a friends house just to hang out. My mom would always have the excuse of “you’re a girl... what would the community think?” And she would yell at me alot.

I tried my hardest to stand up to her but instead she hits me or she yells at me alot. She calls me names and has put my self esteem down so low that i hate myself. I have social anxiety and feel depressed quite alot of the time. My friends are also asian (pakistani, bengali, indian ect) and none of their parents are as extream as mine.

Recently i was aloud to go on a summer school away from my parents and i LOVED it! I was so free and so happy! I got to wear the clothes i wanted and got to be who i am! I loved being an independent individual and i got to do things i never thought i could! I cried when i came home because i hate living in such a extream, controlling environment. When i came home my mom yelled at me, swore at me and made me feel so depressed. She said that if i ever want to go further in education i have to abide by her rules and go to the college she chooses for me and wear the clothes she wants me to wear or else she will pull me out of education and make me do chores at home like cook and clean.

She isn’t like this with my brother because ‘he is a boy’ and he has free will to do whatever he wants! My brother can go out with friends, go shopping, wear what he wants and do whatever! My mom praises him daily and shows her complete affection towards him but when it comes to me i am nothing to her but a daughter she has to marry off one day.

I don’t want to marry a man she chooses for me but instead i want to find love... I can’t because if i ever get caught talking to a boy (even if he is just a friend) my mom would beat me. She will marry me off to a boy of her choice and if I don’t like it then tough luch for me i guess. All she cares about is impressing the family and not her daughters happiness.

I am so insecure on a daily basis because of the clothes i wear and I cannot do anything about it. I can’t move out when im 18 because my mom would disown me and I can’t live without my brother (if i make my mom upset I don’t want him hating me because he is the only caring one in my family)! I feel so trapped in this house, so suffocated! I want to cry all the time! I do think about killing myself but i can never do it because i am scared of death...

I don’t want to live a life that makes me depressed! I want to live a life i want but I can’t and i just need someone to be there for me and understand how i feel. But there never is...

This is awful. I'm so sorry to hear this. You say you are worried about your brother hating you because he is the only caring one in the family.... well, if he is caring then perhaps he wouldnt disown you! This is so much to deal with, I just want to promise you that things wont always be this difficult, try and get through each day at a time, and remember that your life is precious. Everyone here in the student room is here for you, i cant claim to understand how you feel but I do have sympathy. I know many people in life, myself included, who have "escaped" from households that were just too much to bear. Life has so much to offer... and honestly... whether your mother likes it or not, she cannot control you forever! or even now honestly! One day, you will be able to move out, and wear what you want, and she CERTAINLY cant force you to marry someone! She is delusional if she thinks she can have that control over you! My best advice to you, would be to focus as much as you can in school, and get yourself a good education so that you can become independent one day. Infact, is there a teacher you like who you can talk to? I would HIGHLY recommend talking to a teacher, maybe even having a good cry to them. just wait til after a lesson at break, or go to a teacher at their office and say "can i talk to you please?" then say whatever comes to mind. And you can always chat to me if you want. I dont know if there is private messaging on this site, but if there is you are welcome to chat to me. Where are you in England? I am in England too, in Bristol (you dont have to tell me, but maybe we are close).

Reply 123

Aryz

15

are u talking about what i was saying?
all i said was her parents are trying to proteect her bcuz they think social media is too dangerous and i thought it was wrong about her brother stopping her so in no way am i justifying abuse?

oh ok

i like you lol

I'll let ya know lol, I start in september. I've heard its very challenging. Whats it like being a ROTL94?

lmaooooo

Original post by Aryz

have u ever been taken away from your parents

Yeah. They were worse than hers. I instantly got happier.
I've got no grudge towards them now, i forgive them though

Reply 129

Anonymous #9

Original post by ibyghee

oh gawd, where this guy get this law from XD. *child abuse* its an overused word for people without discipline. In no way is what her parents are doing is classed as *child abuse* Maybe yes its a lil unfair, but life is unfair...deal with it.

''child abuse is when a child is intentionally harmed by an adult or another child – it can be over a period of time but can also be a one-off action. It can be physical, sexual or emotional and it can happen in person or online. It can also be a lack of love, care and attention – this is neglect.''

So yes, it's abuse. And there's a difference between discipline and abuse.

My gawd, this is why I hate -narrow minded- south asians, as someone who once had the same type idiotic parents. And before anyone says ''don't call your parents idiots!'', I can, I just did :smile:

. Village mentality from ''back home'' and ''what will the community think?'' bs. No one cares what that community thinks, they should go kiss their asses then. Heck, they should marry the ''community''!

''a lil unfair'' No, it's not a little, I don't know what you're smoking to think it's a ''little''.

OP stated herself her mum neglects her emotionally, not only that but cares more about others' happiness than her own daughter's. Additionally, verbally insults her as well as physically harming her. That' not a good parent, I don't care what people say and from what culture they are. A good parent isn't like that, or at least, not that extreme. Again, I'm south asian myself.

You CAN NOT read that and say ''omg this is dIsCliPinE!''. No, it's not. There's a clear difference between discipline and abuse.

Children shouldn't be ''disciplined'' for doing nothing wrong, or at least, nothing which deserves that.

Ugh, this triggers me so much. You know what, I'll stop typing now or I'll go on and on.

I feel for you, OP. Hopefully you're better now. You can just go off to a far university. What are they going to do? They can't stop you. Just tell your teachers and they'll take care of it. If you think they'll go off to do something as dangerous as, for instance, stab you (which does happen), then tell your teachers. Parents have power, but not as big as the law.

Reply 130

Sha.xo527

13

Original post by Anonymous

''child abuse is when a child is intentionally harmed by an adult or another child – it can be over a period of time but can also be a one-off action. It can be physical, sexual or emotional and it can happen in person or online. It can also be a lack of love, care and attention – this is neglect.''

So yes, it's abuse. And there's a difference between discipline and abuse.

My gawd, this is why I hate -narrow minded- south asians, as someone who once had the same type idiotic parents. And before anyone says ''don't call your parents idiots!'', I can, I just did :smile:

. Village mentality from ''back home'' and ''what will the community think?'' bs. No one cares what that community thinks, they should go kiss their asses then. Heck, they should marry the ''community''!

''a lil unfair'' No, it's not a little, I don't know what you're smoking to think it's a ''little''.

OP stated herself her mum neglects her emotionally, not only that but cares more about others' happiness than her own daughter's. Additionally, verbally insults her as well as physically harming her. That' not a good parent, I don't care what people say and from what culture they are. A good parent isn't like that, or at least, not that extreme. Again, I'm south asian myself.

You CAN NOT read that and say ''omg this is dIsCliPinE!''. No, it's not. There's a clear difference between discipline and abuse.

Children shouldn't be ''disciplined'' for doing nothing wrong, or at least, nothing which deserves that.

Ugh, this triggers me so much. You know what, I'll stop typing now or I'll go on and on.

I feel for you, OP. Hopefully you're better now. You can just go off to a far university. What are they going to do? They can't stop you. Just tell your teachers and they'll take care of it. If you think they'll go off to do something as dangerous as, for instance, stab you (which does happen), then tell your teachers. Parents have power, but not as big as the law.

PREACH!

Reply 131

tmughal

3

I know im late, i hope your doing okay.

Asian, as i thought what a damn surprise smh, they`re all backwards arent they , im an Asian lad but i know couple of girls who are in a family who have been emotionally and physically abused by their own family. they`re more worried about their own stupid honour than their kids future and life. Only way to escape partly of this is by telling someone that can actually help you. yes it might be hard to go through but in the end only better for your own mental health and ur life in the end the way its going. if im right you go to uni, tell them they will 100% help you. they will get you out, find you housing and help you, its a safeguarding duty to them. this is clear abuse in every way shape or form. Dont even know how these type of people repersent the muslim community and say its good. infuriates me. People who are saying this is a islam thing stfu, this happens to everyone, indians, hindus, bengalis every single type of asian, any religion. they all share the damn backward mentality. All they want to preserve is their dignity and honour, only thing theyre doing is embrassing themselves when they get exposed for this type of abuse. You arent alone, there are people out there who want to help you. this is not acceptable in any way shape or form. It is a police matter but they need to take u away from them as soon as possible. last thing you want is them coming, they go and then ur parents start doing things to you.

Reply 132

ibyghee

19

Original post by Anonymous

''child abuse is when a child is intentionally harmed by an adult or another child – it can be over a period of time but can also be a one-off action. It can be physical, sexual or emotional and it can happen in person or online. It can also be a lack of love, care and attention – this is neglect.''

So yes, it's abuse. And there's a difference between discipline and abuse.

My gawd, this is why I hate -narrow minded- south asians, as someone who once had the same type idiotic parents. And before anyone says ''don't call your parents idiots!'', I can, I just did :smile:

. Village mentality from ''back home'' and ''what will the community think?'' bs. No one cares what that community thinks, they should go kiss their asses then. Heck, they should marry the ''community''!

''a lil unfair'' No, it's not a little, I don't know what you're smoking to think it's a ''little''.

OP stated herself her mum neglects her emotionally, not only that but cares more about others' happiness than her own daughter's. Additionally, verbally insults her as well as physically harming her. That' not a good parent, I don't care what people say and from what culture they are. A good parent isn't like that, or at least, not that extreme. Again, I'm south asian myself.

You CAN NOT read that and say ''omg this is dIsCliPinE!''. No, it's not. There's a clear difference between discipline and abuse.

Children shouldn't be ''disciplined'' for doing nothing wrong, or at least, nothing which deserves that.

Ugh, this triggers me so much. You know what, I'll stop typing now or I'll go on and on.

I feel for you, OP. Hopefully you're better now. You can just go off to a far university. What are they going to do? They can't stop you. Just tell your teachers and they'll take care of it. If you think they'll go off to do something as dangerous as, for instance, stab you (which does happen), then tell your teachers. Parents have power, but not as big as the law.

From what I read, the OP is not treated equally. That is clear, no argument there. That's something that needs to be fixed. But from what the OP said, I don't see anything that's wrong? From what it seems like, her mum isn't fully controlling as she was let on summer school. She is allowed to do some stuff, but very rare. I know there are some really bad parents out there, maybe her parents are those type. But from what she has said, there's no way one could conclude that her parents are twisted people.

Reply 133

Anonymous #10

Original post by Anonymous

I’ve been dealing with controlling parents my entire life! My mom controls what i wear (i am not aloud to wear western clothing but instead pakistani clothing even though i live in england), she controls who i am friends with and she controls where i go (i can never go out with friends or go shopping!)

Ever since i was a kid i was never aloud to go to birthday parties or even hold a birthday party. I wasn’t aloud to go to sleepovers or go to a friends house just to hang out. My mom would always have the excuse of “you’re a girl... what would the community think?” And she would yell at me alot.

I tried my hardest to stand up to her but instead she hits me or she yells at me alot. She calls me names and has put my self esteem down so low that i hate myself. I have social anxiety and feel depressed quite alot of the time. My friends are also asian (pakistani, bengali, indian ect) and none of their parents are as extream as mine.

Recently i was aloud to go on a summer school away from my parents and i LOVED it! I was so free and so happy! I got to wear the clothes i wanted and got to be who i am! I loved being an independent individual and i got to do things i never thought i could! I cried when i came home because i hate living in such a extream, controlling environment. When i came home my mom yelled at me, swore at me and made me feel so depressed. She said that if i ever want to go further in education i have to abide by her rules and go to the college she chooses for me and wear the clothes she wants me to wear or else she will pull me out of education and make me do chores at home like cook and clean.

She isn’t like this with my brother because ‘he is a boy’ and he has free will to do whatever he wants! My brother can go out with friends, go shopping, wear what he wants and do whatever! My mom praises him daily and shows her complete affection towards him but when it comes to me i am nothing to her but a daughter she has to marry off one day.

I don’t want to marry a man she chooses for me but instead i want to find love... I can’t because if i ever get caught talking to a boy (even if he is just a friend) my mom would beat me. She will marry me off to a boy of her choice and if I don’t like it then tough luch for me i guess. All she cares about is impressing the family and not her daughters happiness.

I am so insecure on a daily basis because of the clothes i wear and I cannot do anything about it. I can’t move out when im 18 because my mom would disown me and I can’t live without my brother (if i make my mom upset I don’t want him hating me because he is the only caring one in my family)! I feel so trapped in this house, so suffocated! I want to cry all the time! I do think about killing myself but i can never do it because i am scared of death...

I don’t want to live a life that makes me depressed! I want to live a life i want but I can’t and i just need someone to be there for me and understand how i feel. But there never is...

I am Indian and I can sort of relate.

Reply 134

LouiseRu

13

Original post by Anonymous

I’ve been dealing with controlling parents my entire life! My mom controls what i wear (i am not aloud to wear western clothing but instead pakistani clothing even though i live in england), she controls who i am friends with and she controls where i go (i can never go out with friends or go shopping!)

Ever since i was a kid i was never aloud to go to birthday parties or even hold a birthday party. I wasn’t aloud to go to sleepovers or go to a friends house just to hang out. My mom would always have the excuse of “you’re a girl... what would the community think?” And she would yell at me alot.

I tried my hardest to stand up to her but instead she hits me or she yells at me alot. She calls me names and has put my self esteem down so low that i hate myself. I have social anxiety and feel depressed quite alot of the time. My friends are also asian (pakistani, bengali, indian ect) and none of their parents are as extream as mine.

Recently i was aloud to go on a summer school away from my parents and i LOVED it! I was so free and so happy! I got to wear the clothes i wanted and got to be who i am! I loved being an independent individual and i got to do things i never thought i could! I cried when i came home because i hate living in such a extream, controlling environment. When i came home my mom yelled at me, swore at me and made me feel so depressed. She said that if i ever want to go further in education i have to abide by her rules and go to the college she chooses for me and wear the clothes she wants me to wear or else she will pull me out of education and make me do chores at home like cook and clean.

She isn’t like this with my brother because ‘he is a boy’ and he has free will to do whatever he wants! My brother can go out with friends, go shopping, wear what he wants and do whatever! My mom praises him daily and shows her complete affection towards him but when it comes to me i am nothing to her but a daughter she has to marry off one day.

I don’t want to marry a man she chooses for me but instead i want to find love... I can’t because if i ever get caught talking to a boy (even if he is just a friend) my mom would beat me. She will marry me off to a boy of her choice and if I don’t like it then tough luch for me i guess. All she cares about is impressing the family and not her daughters happiness.

I am so insecure on a daily basis because of the clothes i wear and I cannot do anything about it. I can’t move out when im 18 because my mom would disown me and I can’t live without my brother (if i make my mom upset I don’t want him hating me because he is the only caring one in my family)! I feel so trapped in this house, so suffocated! I want to cry all the time! I do think about killing myself but i can never do it because i am scared of death...

I don’t want to live a life that makes me depressed! I want to live a life i want but I can’t and i just need someone to be there for me and understand how i feel. But there never is...

You need to understand that you are a victim of abuse.
Just Google "how to know if you are being abused" and see how many points you score.
The fact that your mother treats you so differently from your brother tells you everything.
She is abusive and does not respect you at all.
To become an adult properly you must control every aspect of your own life.

You are not allowed to do this and live in a prison.

Why is she like this?

Who really knows.
It is probably partly cultural background.

But this point does not matter.

What matters is you.

You need to get away before you are destroyed by her.

First who do you know who could help You?
What age are you?
There is help out there but you must seek it.

Please advise your age so advice is tailored accordingly and I will come back to you.

You are worried about being disowned.
However effectively she had already disowned you by being a monster not mother.

It is time to work out how to leave ASAP.

Reply 135

username5445420

20

Who revived this thread?

Reply 136

Minaellis

1

First of all I'm sorry you are going through this. I am also Pakistani Muslim, growing up I was always a good honest person. I knew I wasn't allowed to meet or choose someone I wanted to get married too. In my case it was my father who was more controlling and abusive. Even when your doing the right things it's still not enough and he didn't care.It is hard but what you have to decide is what is right for you, what do you want in the future. I am in my 30s and my parents still try to control me and say that they will disown me. But there comes a time when you think this is not even a Islamic or even a loving family and maybe you should move on from them and live your life. It will be hard. They will emotionally blackmail you and try and make you feel guilty and accuse you of being shameful and disgracing the family. However, what they don't realise is being too strict is what has caused it and that it is them who are controlling. You need your own space to figure out who you are and what you want. That could be moving out. Your brother may be angry and upset but in time he will understand,espcialky. If he truly loves youPlease do reply. I know this is an old post but I hope you have succeeded and have peace