Why do I feel so bad and sad about my boyfriend’s ex?
I went out with my ex boyfriend C for 7.5 years. We lived together for 5 of those. We split because I wanted to get married and he didn’t, sadly.
We were wanting to stay friends but just drifted and I moved away.
I married (too quickly) and had 2 boys. My marriage was hell & now I’m divorced.
My ex C got back in touch with me a year ago after finding me on Facebook. He just wanted friendship and to find out how I was and if I was happy.
C asked me if we could get back together again. I agreed knowing deep deep in my heart I’ve always loved him & never stopped.
We met up for the first time for a few years and it was amazing - like as if no time has passed.
I had always spoken to my boys about him and they took to each other so well when they met.
We are over 100 miles apart so we don’t get to see each other that much.
We’ve been open about what’s happened to us during the time in between. Thing is I’m really struggling with fact he went out with D, someone he use to work with and I knew fairly well. They were together for 18months. He split with her because she wasn’t for him and he’d described it as ‘friends with benefits’ and ‘hit and miss’!
I’m obsessed with this. I have questions in my head that I want him to answer. Like ‘what was she like in bed?’ ‘Did you go on holiday together’. And thousands more. When I think about it I feel sick inside. My heart pounds. I start feeling very sad. The thoughts just keep hounding me every minute. I don’t know how to let it go and stop the thoughts.
He now refuses to talk about it because it makes him angry and winds him up. He tells me to let it go and the past is the past. He went out with 2 other women after her. But it’s always the thought of him having a sexual relationship with D that I go back to. When I’m with him I think, ‘she’s been there!’
C is the love of my life. He was always faithful to me. I know that for sure.
Has anyone out there got any advice?
We were wanting to stay friends but just drifted and I moved away.
I married (too quickly) and had 2 boys. My marriage was hell & now I’m divorced.
My ex C got back in touch with me a year ago after finding me on Facebook. He just wanted friendship and to find out how I was and if I was happy.
C asked me if we could get back together again. I agreed knowing deep deep in my heart I’ve always loved him & never stopped.
We met up for the first time for a few years and it was amazing - like as if no time has passed.
I had always spoken to my boys about him and they took to each other so well when they met.
We are over 100 miles apart so we don’t get to see each other that much.
We’ve been open about what’s happened to us during the time in between. Thing is I’m really struggling with fact he went out with D, someone he use to work with and I knew fairly well. They were together for 18months. He split with her because she wasn’t for him and he’d described it as ‘friends with benefits’ and ‘hit and miss’!
I’m obsessed with this. I have questions in my head that I want him to answer. Like ‘what was she like in bed?’ ‘Did you go on holiday together’. And thousands more. When I think about it I feel sick inside. My heart pounds. I start feeling very sad. The thoughts just keep hounding me every minute. I don’t know how to let it go and stop the thoughts.
He now refuses to talk about it because it makes him angry and winds him up. He tells me to let it go and the past is the past. He went out with 2 other women after her. But it’s always the thought of him having a sexual relationship with D that I go back to. When I’m with him I think, ‘she’s been there!’
C is the love of my life. He was always faithful to me. I know that for sure.
Has anyone out there got any advice?
I understand that you have a lot of insecurity about D, but remember at the end of the day he chose you. D is part of his past, as is your ex husband as well. There is no point in dwelling over things that happened when you weren’t together but it just makes you and C miserable. The best thing to do is to move forward and have a positive mindset. Enjoy your time together and make new memories so you’re not going to focus on this and in terms of the sexual aspect, just try new things and go places alone together so you’ll feel comfortable with him again. Hope this helps!
Thank you for your answer. I have been trying to move on but I don’t know how to.
Why am I insecure and how can I stop being insecure?
Why am I insecure and how can I stop being insecure?
I feel that you should give yourself time to heal and adapt with the new normal. I know that you’ve got a lot of questions about his past but just let it go and trust him wholeheartedly. Live in the present cuz that’s what’s going to make your future. Sometimes our thoughts are backed by so much insecurity, that they create lies we believe. So don’t let your insecure thoughts ruin something amazing.
Stop thinking about your boyfriend's romantic past, the same way that you have stopped thinking about your wedding day and the breakdown of your marriage.
Has your boyfriend ever asked you about your sex life with your husband?
Or asked your sons to list all the insults you and their father exchanged with each other during fights.
You wouldn't be happy if he did either.
You are probably surprised that D was his type, even for casual sex/fwb.
But the past doesn't need to be constantly raked up, when all it does it get everyone feeling aggrieved or insecure.
The future is the priority not obsessing over the distant past.
Has your boyfriend ever asked you about your sex life with your husband?
Or asked your sons to list all the insults you and their father exchanged with each other during fights.
You wouldn't be happy if he did either.
You are probably surprised that D was his type, even for casual sex/fwb.
But the past doesn't need to be constantly raked up, when all it does it get everyone feeling aggrieved or insecure.
The future is the priority not obsessing over the distant past.
Thank you so much for your quick reply which was sensitive and non-judgmental. Lots of respect. Thank you X
Original post by Anonymous
I understand that you have a lot of insecurity about D, but remember at the end of the day he chose you. D is part of his past, as is your ex husband as well. There is no point in dwelling over things that happened when you weren’t together but it just makes you and C miserable. The best thing to do is to move forward and have a positive mindset. Enjoy your time together and make new memories so you’re not going to focus on this and in terms of the sexual aspect, just try new things and go places alone together so you’ll feel comfortable with him again. Hope this helps!
Original post by Anonymous
Thank you so much for your quick reply which was sensitive and non-judgmental. Lots of respect. Thank you X
You’re welcome, I wish you all the best x
This is so very wise and reassuring. Thank you so much. I felt a weight lifting from me as I read it. ❤️
Original post by Anonymous
I feel that you should give yourself time to heal and adapt with the new normal. I know that you’ve got a lot of questions about his past but just let it go and trust him wholeheartedly. Live in the present cuz that’s what’s going to make your future. Sometimes our thoughts are backed by so much insecurity, that they create lies we believe. So don’t let your insecure thoughts ruin something amazing.
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