ruining my relationship because i think my boyfriend is broke

Hi guys, I really need some advice because i’m truly engulfed by this thought every time i’m with my boyfriend.
I believe that a man should be able to provide me security. I’m 21 so any man i date has to be doing well financially or at least on their way to because i’m not going to struggle with someone on minimum wage. I have very big ambitions for myself and want to have a financially stable life eventually and i expect my partner to have the same.

My boyfriend is 24, he has a masters in IT and has an office job that he wants to climb and eventually be a managerial/director role in. But it will obviously take time. The job is around 21k a year however he acquired a lot of debt he never told me about (around 3k) until after i’d question why he was always ‘tight for money’ . He realised this debt was wrong and is actually working very hard to change spending habits and pay it off- he’s made a spread sheet and i know he cut all the credit cards away, i don’t doubt that he’ll be able to pay it as he is very driven. He pays rent and has his own house he shares with others.

Here’s the issue: I LOVE to be spoiled. I’m not materialistic but i can’t deny that i do love giving and receiving gifts - this is something he knows and i think it did bother him because he felt like he couldn’t please me. I like dates, trips and anything cute like that so naturally it is hard for him to do these things when £400 a month is going to his debt and the rest of other bills. DONT GET ME WRONG I try to understand him so much because he does put in effort a lot - the other day he put petals on my bed and decorated my room with candles, he gave me a massage and it was just so adorable. When we started dating he even quit smoking cold turkey for me because i said it’s unattractive and a sign that someone’s a mess if they can’t stand a day without weed. i know that love isn’t just about money but i am wrong to think it’s pretty important that my life partner is in a good job?

I’m obsessed with the idea that he is a broke man and i’m wasting my time. He’s lovely, he’s kind, he’s committed and he constantly talks about how he will climb in his job and how ambitious he is... i feel a sense of adoration and i know he’d really do anything for me. He’s so funny and i really do love him but i just wonder if he will ever be able to provide and give me security. We’ve dated for a year so things have got serious. I know exactly what i’m doing with my life and after i graduate i’m going to be in a steady career and progress. Ideally i want to be at 30k by the time i’m 26 and i never want to depend on anyone for money. But when i look at him he’s 24 and only on 21k? He just got a new job as he used to earn 17k in a sort of ‘post graduation’ filler job until he could find something in his field - he did this for 2 years.

Every time we talk i nag and ask if he wil ever be able to take me on holiday surprises (something i am gonna do for him) and fancy dinners and he always says yes eventually and that it upsets him and he doesn’t feel enough for me.

I’m ruining the relationship but i can’t get this thought out my head - will be in a poor and stuggling marriage - living paycheck go paycheck? Am i settling? In the start of our relationship he wanted to split bills (not an issue with me) but i didn’t like the fact that he’d never spoil me. I LOVE spoiling people but felt it would be weird if i did amd he didn’t especially as he’s the man and i like to be babied lol, I told him and he’s defo more inclined to pay but i don’t like the fact that everytime we go out he talks about his money stress and usually to avoid that i pay or we split because i don’t want to cause him trouble.

Am i being unfair. What do i do to stop this nasty habit? Or do i need to end it now to avoid wasting my time.

i do think you're being extremely unfair. he seems like a hardworking man, and he seems to be smart when it comes to money management.

I think a way to get out of this habit is to change your thinking. wouldn't it be better to be the girl to stuck with him through his debt and struggles, and watched him transform into a better version of himself?

his financial situation is very temporary, and soon he will most likely be able to treat you now and again.

why don't you spoil yourself too if you don't already?

thank you for being honest. A lot of it is probably because my dad has spoiled me all my life and i kinda look for the same in a bf.

But is he good with money management if he got himself i’m so much debt? If he’s constantly ‘tight’ because he wants to pay these bills? I can see he’s trying hard to clear it but at the same time if we go out to eat it’s normally fast food places. It is temporary but i’m so scared that he will just end up broke forever and i’ll be the bread winner.
Also his family are all pretty much doing retail jobs. They have no ambition and they all have 10k+ debt (His mum. sister and brother). This is another reason he’s so keen to get out of debt and start saving - he’s the only one of them that has a proper job and degree. my anxiety fears he could end up like them and i don’t want to comsgantly pester him not to be

Hi guys, I really need some advice because i’m truly engulfed by this thought every time i’m with my boyfriend.
I believe that a man should be able to provide me security. I’m 21 so any man i date has to be doing well financially or at least on their way to because i’m not going to struggle with someone on minimum wage. I have very big ambitions for myself and want to have a financially stable life eventually and i expect my partner to have the same.

My boyfriend is 24, he has a masters in IT and has an office job that he wants to climb and eventually be a managerial/director role in. But it will obviously take time. The job is around 21k a year however he acquired a lot of debt he never told me about (around 3k) until after i’d question why he was always ‘tight for money’ . He realised this debt was wrong and is actually working very hard to change spending habits and pay it off- he’s made a spread sheet and i know he cut all the credit cards away, i don’t doubt that he’ll be able to pay it as he is very driven. He pays rent and has his own house he shares with others.

Here’s the issue: I LOVE to be spoiled. I’m not materialistic but i can’t deny that i do love giving and receiving gifts - this is something he knows and i think it did bother him because he felt like he couldn’t please me. I like dates, trips and anything cute like that so naturally it is hard for him to do these things when £400 a month is going to his debt and the rest of other bills. DONT GET ME WRONG I try to understand him so much because he does put in effort a lot - the other day he put petals on my bed and decorated my room with candles, he gave me a massage and it was just so adorable. When we started dating he even quit smoking cold turkey for me because i said it’s unattractive and a sign that someone’s a mess if they can’t stand a day without weed. i know that love isn’t just about money but i am wrong to think it’s pretty important that my life partner is in a good job?

I’m obsessed with the idea that he is a broke man and i’m wasting my time. He’s lovely, he’s kind, he’s committed and he constantly talks about how he will climb in his job and how ambitious he is... i feel a sense of adoration and i know he’d really do anything for me. He’s so funny and i really do love him but i just wonder if he will ever be able to provide and give me security. We’ve dated for a year so things have got serious. I know exactly what i’m doing with my life and after i graduate i’m going to be in a steady career and progress. Ideally i want to be at 30k by the time i’m 26 and i never want to depend on anyone for money. But when i look at him he’s 24 and only on 21k? He just got a new job as he used to earn 17k in a sort of ‘post graduation’ filler job until he could find something in his field - he did this for 2 years.

Every time we talk i nag and ask if he wil ever be able to take me on holiday surprises (something i am gonna do for him) and fancy dinners and he always says yes eventually and that it upsets him and he doesn’t feel enough for me.

I’m ruining the relationship but i can’t get this thought out my head - will be in a poor and stuggling marriage - living paycheck go paycheck? Am i settling? In the start of our relationship he wanted to split bills (not an issue with me) but i didn’t like the fact that he’d never spoil me. I LOVE spoiling people but felt it would be weird if i did amd he didn’t especially as he’s the man and i like to be babied lol, I told him and he’s defo more inclined to pay but i don’t like the fact that everytime we go out he talks about his money stress and usually to avoid that i pay or we split because i don’t want to cause him trouble.

Am i being unfair. What do i do to stop this nasty habit? Or do i need to end it now to avoid wasting my time.

We don’t live in the 1950s any more. Where’s your self-respect? Pay for your own things.

Incredibly unfair of you to think this way. You're imposing a gender role on him because you're spoilt. Your whole post contradicts your "I’m not materialistic" statement. It would help if you could look at yourself first before you judge his finances. I think he's the one who should avoid wasting his time. He's not your slave, don't treat him as one!

Also his family are all pretty much doing retail jobs. They have no ambition and they all have 10k+ debt (His mum. sister and brother)...he’s the only one of them that has a proper job and degree. my anxiety fears he could end up like them and i don’t want to comsgantly pester him not to be

It's appalling that you went as far as to insult his parents and their livelihood. The utmost disrespect!

My post is about how i can deal with my mindset and whether i should be with him. It’s fine if someone isn’t on the same level or mindset as me financially.
Just because your most likely a male on minimum wage does not mean you have to get personally offended that i choose to do better than a retail job.

And you were saying "I'm not materialistic" - please refer to here; https://www.lexico.com/en/definition/materialistic
Nice ad hominem

I think you need to realise being in your early twenties you shouldn't really expect to be spoiled in any significant way. Starting salaries are just that. If you were 30+ then I think you would have a fair reason to complain. To think people have their lives together these days by their mid 20s is a bit naive.

Yeah that’s true. I guess i just need to be patient and understand. Thank you

Honestly if he is as ambitious as you say he is, as well as having a masters in IT, then it shouldn't be long before he is making a fairly comfortable income. Couple that with any income you have and if you two decide to live together you should have the life you want since he seems to be working so hard for it.

he is ambitious but sometimes can get comfortable. He’s messy and typically lazy about cleaning it etc and puts off tasks like going to doctors appointments etc. I assume this is most men tho and he does tell me all the time about his motivation and ambition to climb his job. I hope he’s telling the truth. This is where my anxiety about it stems from

I think true love has no boundaries. A money issue should never be a problem for people who truly love each other. Money doesn't equal love or happiness. To me it sounds like perhaps you don't truly want to be with him, and maybe need to talk things out. I'm a Christian and idc if I struggle financially as I'm born to a poor family anyway. Love is love, not money.