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Feeling guilty about moving out

So I'm about to finish my degree and I'm going to be moving out of my mums house soon. I'm going to be moving about 25 miles away so not exactly on the other side of the world. Still for some reason I feel guilty as hell for doing it. She said she'll struggle to pay the rent on her own and will need to downsize. Also it's knowing that she could be on her own every single night from now on.
At the same time I need my independence now. We keep having silly arguments so it'll be good for our relationship.

Is this normal to feel a bit of guilt like this?

Thanks
Yes, it's normal.
Change is a part of life as people age, move on and their situation alters in terms of studying/employment/relationships.
But it can be emotional and unsettling at times.

You mother seems very keen to prevent you from moving out of her home.
Does she have any health issues or financial problems?
Of course, you'll have a feeling of uncertainty. You've (presumably) grown up in this home, it's your safe haven and it's natural to feel the way you're feeling.

However your mother sounds a little emotionally controlling and even, a little emotionally abusive? It is just you two at home?
I understand the loneliness that your mother may feel after you leave especially if she's alone but this shouldn't hold you back. A lot of parents have the empty nest syndrome after their children leave and if your mother is alone then this may be more pronounced.

Your mother left her family and her parents, it's just a normal part of growing up and finding your feet.

Reassure your mother that you can see each other often, it's only 25 miles. Show her the benefits of downsizing (saving money, less cleaning etc).

Be kind but be firm.

Original post by Anonymous
So I'm about to finish my degree and I'm going to be moving out of my mums house soon. I'm going to be moving about 25 miles away so not exactly on the other side of the world. Still for some reason I feel guilty as hell for doing it. She said she'll struggle to pay the rent on her own and will need to downsize. Also it's knowing that she could be on her own every single night from now on.
At the same time I need my independence now. We keep having silly arguments so it'll be good for our relationship.

Is this normal to feel a bit of guilt like this?

Thanks
Reply 3
Original post by londonmyst
Yes, it's normal.
Change is a part of life as people age, move on and their situation alters in terms of studying/employment/relationships.
But it can be emotional and unsettling at times.

You mother seems very keen to prevent you from moving out of her home.
Does she have any health issues or financial problems?

Perhaps she does.. In an ideal world she'd like me to stay. But I need to get on with my life. I want to find a girlfriend and settle down.
She has some health issues yes. She's had problems with money but she's got these under control now.
Reply 4
Original post by Mangomilkshake
Of course, you'll have a feeling of uncertainty. You've (presumably) grown up in this home, it's your safe haven and it's natural to feel the way you're feeling.

However your mother sounds a little emotionally controlling and even, a little emotionally abusive? It is just you two at home?
I understand the loneliness that your mother may feel after you leave especially if she's alone but this shouldn't hold you back. A lot of parents have the empty nest syndrome after their children leave and if your mother is alone then this may be more pronounced.

Your mother left her family and her parents, it's just a normal part of growing up and finding your feet.

Reassure your mother that you can see each other often, it's only 25 miles. Show her the benefits of downsizing (saving money, less cleaning etc).

Be kind but be firm.

Hmm emotionally abusive seems extreme. My brother does come every now and then. But yeah it's mostly just me and her. The thing is before the lockdown I'd often be out of the house from like 7am until late at night most times.
You mum needs to become independent financially and emotionally for her own sake. Whether she is single for the rest of her life is up to her and she shouldn’t be saying things like that to her child. My mum was emotionally abusive and trust me when I say that staying will only make her worse.
Original post by Anonymous
Hmm emotionally abusive seems extreme. My brother does come every now and then. But yeah it's mostly just me and her. The thing is before the lockdown I'd often be out of the house from like 7am until late at night most times.

Yes, maybe emotionally abusive is a bit extreme. Even though you were out most days for most of the day, she knew you were going to come back. She most likely feels lost and you must show some compassion. However don't let that hold you back, you have to move on with your life. Like I suggested, show her the positives of you moving out and reassure her that you both will visit each other. It will be a gradual transition for you all but a good one. Just watch, your relationship will improve when you're not in each other's hair all the time!

All the best and congratulations on this new chapter of your life. :smile:
Depending on where you are from, in some ways that is understandable. However, if you are in the US, stop feeling guilty. You have every right to live on your own and have your own independence. So what they don’t like it. They will get over it. Trust me, they will. I’m a parent of 2 grown children and 7 grandchildren. I raise my oldest grandchild as he is a special needs kid. He is now 18, deaf and has ASD. He will probably live with me for the rest of his life or my life that is.

I can understand, to a point, what you are feeling. I was married and had children when my family moved away from Missouri to Utah. My mother was dying of cancer. She did not want us to move. It was against her wishes for us to move away. I had to do what was right for my family and for my sanity. Two years after we moved my mother died. Mind you, my parents were my adopted parents. After years of abuse, I was not close to them. I did not return to Missouri for her funeral.

This leads me to my children. My son moved out and started his own life. Our daughter decided to stay home, even after she got married and started to have children. Her first child is the one I raise. She was not married when she had him. My wife became very sick in 2011. My daughter was there to help me with her mom. In late 2014, my wife was told she was dying. My daughter promised her mother to be there for me. My wife died on Feb. 3, 2015.

My daughter and her family continued to stay with me, for about a year or so after my wife died. When I told them to move out, she was angry because she would not be doing what she promised her mother. Taking care of me. I do not need someone to take care of me. I will be 65 in June. I may be legally blind, but I raise my grandson, keep a house, do grocery shopping, cook our meals, wash our clothes. I do not drive anymore.

My children have moved on. Both my children live over 4-hour drive from me, yet I rarely see them. What I am saying, yes it is emotional to leave your parents, yet you are old enough to live on your own if you have a good paying job or are in college. You deserve to have your freedom. Your parents will be fine. It is an adjustment for both of you. When they realize them having their freedom to travel or do whatever they want, they will enjoy it. They will appreciate it when they see how well you are doing in your life and with what you accomplish.

Let go of the emotional guilt. You will feel better. Live your life.

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