Is My Boyfriend A Hidden Narcissist? We Broke Up, Advice NEEDED Please

I just want to say that this is gonna be a very LONG post since I have so much going on in my head right now. I have kept silent for 2 years about this and I feel that now is finally enough. I am in so much psychological distress, I am heartbroken, angry, upset and numb all at once. I literally don't even know what to do with myself, I feel like I can barely function and I just want to crawl in bed and do nothing all day. I can't focus on my lectures, I can't focus on conversations with people, my head is stuck on him non-stop, I can't sleep, I just hate what's happened so much. Like I said there's a LOT to explain (if you care to read and give me advice or support I would hugely appreciate it) and my family say that its a blessing in disguise, and that he was selfish and never loved me all along.

In a nutshell: My boyfriend - now ex - has decided to move back to Spain instead of staying over here with me in England. I will try my best to explain it all so just bare with me and read it all

A little back story: He has been living in the UK since he was 5 years old (now 19) and I met him when we were both 17. I am now 19, currently in my first year of university and his parents were recently deported (or decided to move, I'm not sure which since the story kept changing) back to their home country. They gave their son a 1 year warning, and he was adamant that he wanted to stay in this country with me. I was worried he would leave, but he had reassured me that he was staying here with me, that he loved me and I was his world and going back to his home country wasn't an option for him. So I carried on as usual and stupidly believed him.

Although I am living two cities away (since I had to go into clearing and had to go to another uni and changed course), I travel back every week on the train to see my partner. He is my first love, I have spent 2 years of my life with him. We have made so many memories, I lost my virginity to him and I put him before anyone else, including myself. He is my world, despite the other red flags in our relationship (which I will address later), I love him so much and I hate myself for it. I feel like I have been so bloody brainwashed by him and have told myself that the way he treats me is normal and okay when IT IS NOT OKAY.

I have applied to transfer universities to be closer with him (which may I add, has been SO stressful for me regarding housing, finance, documents, etc) and move in together second year (since he doesn't like the city I'm in now). The plan is to go halves on rent, and I'm going to get a part-time job to help save money. This was before everything changed.

Since his parents moved back to Spain in January, he has been okay. He misses them, but still video calls them everyday, and says that he is happier being with me. We planned to go see them in March for a week and after that week he just changed his mind on everything. Like, he changed into a COMPLETE different person and I saw the real him. I can't help but feel that his mother has hugely clouded his judgement and is to blame for why he is the way he is. She calls him crying everyday begging him to come back, she tells him how cheap the rent is and how cheap the alcohol / **** are (my boyfriend has a drinking problem, again I will get onto this), she has not ONCE supported him in staying over here with me. She is so immature and selfish that I am SURE that she has caused him to be this way.

When we went to see the family, it was made very clear that I was unliked. His parents didn't speak to me once, and his nan got me on my own and blamed me as the reason why her grandson isn't with her in Spain. I was excluded the entire holiday, they all spoke Spanish around me without translating anything and often I was left on my own wondering what the hell was going on.

I tried to take it all with a pinch of salt, but I ended up calling home and crying to my mum about the whole situation. His parents got married on the weekend, and at the wedding after party my boyfriend got so drunk and said to me (in front of everyone) "I don't want to live in England with you anymore, this is my home here." He said he wanted to live with his family and said that his mother comes first before anyone else, including me. He said that he wanted to be with his grandparents and uncles (even though half of them he doesn't even know!) and that living in England is too depressing for him.

He begged me to move over there with him and drop out of university to be with him instead... Yet I don't know a single word of Spanish apart from bloody Hola. He told me that with the money he earns from working at a supermarket in the UK, he can afford a whole flat / house in Spain for that price.

Now you might read this and think "Okay well this is fair enough, it's his home country and he wants to go back" but I can't get over how fast he's DROPPED me as if I meant nothing to him?

He complains that England is too expensive - now, I know he works at a supermarket, but he DOES get good money considering his rent is very cheap and he lives alone. His older sister and her boyfriend live in the same city as him, his best friend lives in the same city, my family live near him and he has loads of friends at work. Me? I have nobody! I'm stuck in this huge ass city with only 1 friend who is my flatmate. I spend my days studying and reading at my desk, the only thing I ever look forward to is seeing him. And I've been dropped so fast, now I have nothing to look forward to and I feel like I'm not working towards anything. My future was planned with him, and now my future seems dark and I can't even focus on my work which I take huge pride in.

Now onto the red flags of our relationship. Firstly, his drinking problem. He has spent all his savings on alcohol and its BAD. I always tried to make him feel better by saying "Its okay, you can save again next month" but it never worked. I got him a diary for his birthday to write down his outgoings and plan the way he spends his money... It was never used.

Back when I was in sixth form and he was in college, I was studying 5 days a week and I worked Sat & Sun at a restaurant. He was doing a bricklaying course, yet he couldn't even be bothered to attend college 3 days a week. He spent all day at home lingering around, eating and watching TV, playing video games while his mother did everything. When he was meant to do work experience and secure a job after college, he didn't even bother. He told me he was "the best in his class" and never went to a single theory class because "he already knew it all". Well... He failed his theory and never secured a job. His £800 trust fund he got when he was 18 was blown on alcohol, vapes and food. That was meant for his driving license.

He lies about how much he drinks, and we end up arguing so much when we're both drunk so I've had to stop drinking with him. In Spain, all he did was drink and boasted about how cheap the pints of beer were. We argued at 1am in some random dodgy street in Spain and he yelled to me "Dont forget whose f*****g country your in". I felt like crying my eyes out.

He barged me out the way, told me to "effing move", ignored me, didn't translate a word to me. And I knew his family were talking about me in Spanish. And this all started happening after I told him that I didn't want to move to Spain with him. It was like because all of a sudden I wasn't going to be of use to him, he dropped me like a sack of ****.

He strangled me once in my own bedroom and then pretended that it never happened. He threatens to beat me up if I ever cheated on him and then quickly says he's only joking, he withdraws his love from me if I do something he doesn't like, he is NEVER interested in my degree or my interests unless it suits him. I've skipped lectures for him, and everytime I say I need to catch up on them he just bursts out laughing. He has isolated me from all my friends, has fed me so that "no other boy looks at me", he tells me that he should be my first priority. During my A-Level exams (which if you've ever done A-Levels, you KNOW this is stressful time period) I told him I wouldn't be able to see him for a while since I'll be revising. He threatened to break up with me and said "Don't bother talking to me unless you decide to make me your first priority." And I would APOLOGISE to him and I went to go see him instead of revising!

I could go on and on listing all the negatives in our relationship, yet I keep thinking about the good times I had with him and how much I miss his loving company. Yet he could be so evil and selfish, and every time I just swept it under the rug and tried to ignore it. He didn't speak to me at all when I got the implant in because he was trying to have unprotected sex with me, he was never interested when we went clothes shopping or went into makeup stores because he didn't like it and would say "I don't know why you bother to put that s**t on your face".

The two main biggest arguments we had were back in October and August. In August, he forced me to take a gap year instead of going to university. Looking back now, I know why. He wanted to stop me from perusing my education and wanted to control me as much as possible. He said that if I didn't take a gap year with him to save money, he would break up with me. I nearly fell out with my whole family over that, since my mum has always wanted what's best for me and wanted me to work towards creating a good career. He wanted to move in together during the gap year, and could you IMAGINE if I had done that? Right now? He would of ended up leaving me anyway and I would be stuck paying for it all! When I nearly missed my accommodation offer because of the constant arguing, all he said was "Im sorry for ruining your future" and that was IT. I should of known then. But like how I feel now, I always went back to him because of how quickly he could make me feel loved, less alone, validated and appreciated.

In October, we fell out again because he was controlling me non stop. He told me who I could and couldn't be friends with, he said that if I hanged out with a certain group of friends he would break up with me, he wanted my location on on snapchat to see where I was, he would take my phone into the toilet and lock himself in there with it.

Not that I ever had ANYTHING to hide because I loved him. And part of me still does, but on this holiday he has shown me how selfish he is and how quick he is to drop me for a cheaper country so he doesn't have to work as much.

I feel so heartbroken. I feel like my heart has been shattered and although I probably have been VERY lucky to escape a toxic relationship, I still can't get over him and I miss him. I'm weirdly attached to him, I ignored every red flag and lied to people about how well he treated me when in reality there were many times he didn't treat me well.

Don't get me wrong, we had amazing times too. Great laughs, great memories, and he always did look out for me. He told me to not let anyone walk over me, he said I was too innocent and good for this world. I feel like that wasn't a compliment, but rather him telling me that he was using me.

I don't know what to think anymore. I don't think I understand what true love looks like. I feel like my life has no meaning without him in it. I lack immense self-esteem and I have no idea how to build on it.

Anyway, I REALLY appreciate it if you've read this far. Thank you for listening to me, I just need someone to listen and I need to know that someone else knows what Im going through right now.

I just want to say that this is gonna be a very LONG post since I have so much going on in my head right now. I have kept silent for 2 years about this and I feel that now is finally enough. I am in so much psychological distress, I am heartbroken, angry, upset and numb all at once. I literally don't even know what to do with myself, I feel like I can barely function and I just want to crawl in bed and do nothing all day. I can't focus on my lectures, I can't focus on conversations with people, my head is stuck on him non-stop, I can't sleep, I just hate what's happened so much. Like I said there's a LOT to explain (if you care to read and give me advice or support I would hugely appreciate it) and my family say that its a blessing in disguise, and that he was selfish and never loved me all along.

In a nutshell: My boyfriend - now ex - has decided to move back to Spain instead of staying over here with me in England. I will try my best to explain it all so just bare with me and read it all

A little back story: He has been living in the UK since he was 5 years old (now 19) and I met him when we were both 17. I am now 19, currently in my first year of university and his parents were recently deported (or decided to move, I'm not sure which since the story kept changing) back to their home country. They gave their son a 1 year warning, and he was adamant that he wanted to stay in this country with me. I was worried he would leave, but he had reassured me that he was staying here with me, that he loved me and I was his world and going back to his home country wasn't an option for him. So I carried on as usual and stupidly believed him.

Although I am living two cities away (since I had to go into clearing and had to go to another uni and changed course), I travel back every week on the train to see my partner. He is my first love, I have spent 2 years of my life with him. We have made so many memories, I lost my virginity to him and I put him before anyone else, including myself. He is my world, despite the other red flags in our relationship (which I will address later), I love him so much and I hate myself for it. I feel like I have been so bloody brainwashed by him and have told myself that the way he treats me is normal and okay when IT IS NOT OKAY.

I have applied to transfer universities to be closer with him (which may I add, has been SO stressful for me regarding housing, finance, documents, etc) and move in together second year (since he doesn't like the city I'm in now). The plan is to go halves on rent, and I'm going to get a part-time job to help save money. This was before everything changed.

Since his parents moved back to Spain in January, he has been okay. He misses them, but still video calls them everyday, and says that he is happier being with me. We planned to go see them in March for a week and after that week he just changed his mind on everything. Like, he changed into a COMPLETE different person and I saw the real him. I can't help but feel that his mother has hugely clouded his judgement and is to blame for why he is the way he is. She calls him crying everyday begging him to come back, she tells him how cheap the rent is and how cheap the alcohol / **** are (my boyfriend has a drinking problem, again I will get onto this), she has not ONCE supported him in staying over here with me. She is so immature and selfish that I am SURE that she has caused him to be this way.

When we went to see the family, it was made very clear that I was unliked. His parents didn't speak to me once, and his nan got me on my own and blamed me as the reason why her grandson isn't with her in Spain. I was excluded the entire holiday, they all spoke Spanish around me without translating anything and often I was left on my own wondering what the hell was going on.

I tried to take it all with a pinch of salt, but I ended up calling home and crying to my mum about the whole situation. His parents got married on the weekend, and at the wedding after party my boyfriend got so drunk and said to me (in front of everyone) "I don't want to live in England with you anymore, this is my home here." He said he wanted to live with his family and said that his mother comes first before anyone else, including me. He said that he wanted to be with his grandparents and uncles (even though half of them he doesn't even know!) and that living in England is too depressing for him.

He begged me to move over there with him and drop out of university to be with him instead... Yet I don't know a single word of Spanish apart from bloody Hola. He told me that with the money he earns from working at a supermarket in the UK, he can afford a whole flat / house in Spain for that price.

Now you might read this and think "Okay well this is fair enough, it's his home country and he wants to go back" but I can't get over how fast he's DROPPED me as if I meant nothing to him?

He complains that England is too expensive - now, I know he works at a supermarket, but he DOES get good money considering his rent is very cheap and he lives alone. His older sister and her boyfriend live in the same city as him, his best friend lives in the same city, my family live near him and he has loads of friends at work. Me? I have nobody! I'm stuck in this huge ass city with only 1 friend who is my flatmate. I spend my days studying and reading at my desk, the only thing I ever look forward to is seeing him. And I've been dropped so fast, now I have nothing to look forward to and I feel like I'm not working towards anything. My future was planned with him, and now my future seems dark and I can't even focus on my work which I take huge pride in.

Now onto the red flags of our relationship. Firstly, his drinking problem. He has spent all his savings on alcohol and its BAD. I always tried to make him feel better by saying "Its okay, you can save again next month" but it never worked. I got him a diary for his birthday to write down his outgoings and plan the way he spends his money... It was never used.

Back when I was in sixth form and he was in college, I was studying 5 days a week and I worked Sat & Sun at a restaurant. He was doing a bricklaying course, yet he couldn't even be bothered to attend college 3 days a week. He spent all day at home lingering around, eating and watching TV, playing video games while his mother did everything. When he was meant to do work experience and secure a job after college, he didn't even bother. He told me he was "the best in his class" and never went to a single theory class because "he already knew it all". Well... He failed his theory and never secured a job. His £800 trust fund he got when he was 18 was blown on alcohol, vapes and food. That was meant for his driving license.

He lies about how much he drinks, and we end up arguing so much when we're both drunk so I've had to stop drinking with him. In Spain, all he did was drink and boasted about how cheap the pints of beer were. We argued at 1am in some random dodgy street in Spain and he yelled to me "Dont forget whose f*****g country your in". I felt like crying my eyes out.

He barged me out the way, told me to "effing move", ignored me, didn't translate a word to me. And I knew his family were talking about me in Spanish. And this all started happening after I told him that I didn't want to move to Spain with him. It was like because all of a sudden I wasn't going to be of use to him, he dropped me like a sack of ****.

He strangled me once in my own bedroom and then pretended that it never happened. He threatens to beat me up if I ever cheated on him and then quickly says he's only joking, he withdraws his love from me if I do something he doesn't like, he is NEVER interested in my degree or my interests unless it suits him. I've skipped lectures for him, and everytime I say I need to catch up on them he just bursts out laughing. He has isolated me from all my friends, has fed me so that "no other boy looks at me", he tells me that he should be my first priority. During my A-Level exams (which if you've ever done A-Levels, you KNOW this is stressful time period) I told him I wouldn't be able to see him for a while since I'll be revising. He threatened to break up with me and said "Don't bother talking to me unless you decide to make me your first priority." And I would APOLOGISE to him and I went to go see him instead of revising!

I could go on and on listing all the negatives in our relationship, yet I keep thinking about the good times I had with him and how much I miss his loving company. Yet he could be so evil and selfish, and every time I just swept it under the rug and tried to ignore it. He didn't speak to me at all when I got the implant in because he was trying to have unprotected sex with me, he was never interested when we went clothes shopping or went into makeup stores because he didn't like it and would say "I don't know why you bother to put that s**t on your face".

The two main biggest arguments we had were back in October and August. In August, he forced me to take a gap year instead of going to university. Looking back now, I know why. He wanted to stop me from perusing my education and wanted to control me as much as possible. He said that if I didn't take a gap year with him to save money, he would break up with me. I nearly fell out with my whole family over that, since my mum has always wanted what's best for me and wanted me to work towards creating a good career. He wanted to move in together during the gap year, and could you IMAGINE if I had done that? Right now? He would of ended up leaving me anyway and I would be stuck paying for it all! When I nearly missed my accommodation offer because of the constant arguing, all he said was "Im sorry for ruining your future" and that was IT. I should of known then. But like how I feel now, I always went back to him because of how quickly he could make me feel loved, less alone, validated and appreciated.

In October, we fell out again because he was controlling me non stop. He told me who I could and couldn't be friends with, he said that if I hanged out with a certain group of friends he would break up with me, he wanted my location on on snapchat to see where I was, he would take my phone into the toilet and lock himself in there with it.

Not that I ever had ANYTHING to hide because I loved him. And part of me still does, but on this holiday he has shown me how selfish he is and how quick he is to drop me for a cheaper country so he doesn't have to work as much.

I feel so heartbroken. I feel like my heart has been shattered and although I probably have been VERY lucky to escape a toxic relationship, I still can't get over him and I miss him. I'm weirdly attached to him, I ignored every red flag and lied to people about how well he treated me when in reality there were many times he didn't treat me well.

Don't get me wrong, we had amazing times too. Great laughs, great memories, and he always did look out for me. He told me to not let anyone walk over me, he said I was too innocent and good for this world. I feel like that wasn't a compliment, but rather him telling me that he was using me.

I don't know what to think anymore. I don't think I understand what true love looks like. I feel like my life has no meaning without him in it. I lack immense self-esteem and I have no idea how to build on it.

Anyway, I REALLY appreciate it if you've read this far. Thank you for listening to me, I just need someone to listen and I need to know that someone else knows what Im going through right now.

Dearie, if I could see you now, I would give you a huge hug. You went through so much at such a young age. I feel so sad for you yet so happy that he's an ex. Never go back to him. NEVER. You escaped and that's something to celebrate. I want to congratulate you on that.

It's sad that you uprooted your life, and put yourself second to please him but take all of this as a lesson. Know that you came out a winner because you cut him off before things got more serious. Imagine if you were married or you never got the implant, and he trapped you with a baby.

Also, you're very good at self-reflection. You've been honest with yourself, admitted the things you did out of a desperation to be with him, and you've also admitted that you don't feel confident anymore. That's normal especially after a terrible break-up. But know that you did your best, you had good intentions, and you genuinely loved him. It's not your fault that he took that for granted. It's not your fault that he chose to belittle and insult you because he wasn't honest enough to admit that he didn't want to lose his family. That's his loss. He lost someone who was truly there for him. You were more than enough and you'll find someone who will cherish you as you are. But please, in the future, NEVER give up your goals for someone else. In a healthy relationship, you two make compromises so that you both achieve your goals together. It should not be one party re-arranging their entire life for the other.

Dearie, if I could see you now, I would give you a huge hug. You went through so much at such a young age. I feel so sad for you yet so happy that he's an ex. Never go back to him. NEVER. You escaped and that's something to celebrate. I want to congratulate you on that.

It's sad that you uprooted your life, and put yourself second to please him but take all of this as a lesson. Know that you came out a winner because you cut him off before things got more serious. Imagine if you were married or you never got the implant, and he trapped you with a baby.

Also, you're very good at self-reflection. You've been honest with yourself, admitted the things you did out of a desperation to be with him, and you've also admitted that you don't feel confident anymore. That's normal especially after a terrible break-up. But know that you did your best, you had good intentions, and you genuinely loved him. It's not your fault that he took that for granted. It's not your fault that he chose to belittle and insult you because he wasn't honest enough to admit that he didn't want to lose his family. That's his loss. He lost someone who was truly there for him. You were more than enough and you'll find someone who will cherish you as you are. But please, in the future, NEVER give up your goals for someone else. In a healthy relationship, you two make compromises so that you both achieve your goals together. It should not be one party re-arranging their entire life for the other.

He sounds incredibly toxic and unreasonable, silly for him to expect you just to drop your degree and to move to a country you know almost nothing about and where you don't speak the language. If you had done that I almost guarantee he would eventually have dumped you and you'd then find yourself in a foreign country with no support and no degree or qualifications or anything. A loving, supportive partner would have at least waited for you to finish the degree and then you could have had a mature conversation about what your options are regarding moving or staying. And it doesn't seem like he has a particular plan about what he's going to do in Spain, it all just sounds wishy washy and like he's wasting his life drinking and boasting. Does he have a decent job lined up, does he have prospects etc.? Doesn't sound like it. Ultimately he has still spent more years here than in Spain and past the superficial attractiveness of Spain, he may find it more difficult than he's letting on to adjust to a different country and have to work and live there. All in all though it sounds like he doesn't give a crap about you and I don't see how this would have been conducive to a long term, stable relationship. Even if he had stayed, the volatility of his behaviour would have destroyed the situation sooner or later so be glad you've dodged a bullet now rather than later.

Thank you so much and yes I couldn’t agree more. He is so toxic, immature, controlling and unreasonable. I hate the fact that I still think about him non-stop, I just wish he would get out of my head. My mum said the exact same as you did, she said that eventually he would of dumped me over there. She has also warned me that he will most probably meet someone else anyway. He admitted to me that if I ever visit him in Spain, he would rip up my passport and prevent me from leaving the country. He had no shame in admitting it. At first I thought wow okay, he must really love me then if he would do that to keep me. But its not love! Its control. He also has said that he’ll just work in a supermarket over there but again it sounds extremely wishy washy and unrealistic. He just wants the cheap alcohol and the easy lifestyle. He always brags about these huge job titles he wants to be - first he wanted to be a bricklayer, then a fireman, then a police officer, now he wants to join this certain military job where he’ll only work 2 days a week. He wants easy money without wanting to do the real work. And you are also right, he really doesn’t give a crap about me! That took me soo long to digest. I’m not sure whether you’ve heard of what a “trauma bond” is but I think I am heavily trauma bonded too him. I’ve always justified his awful behaviour and forced myself to see the good in him and did everything I could to keep him happy. I’m trying to heal but I really think I might need to go into therapy or go on antidepressants because my head feels fried. And now that hes left me, the control has gone. I feel like I’ve left a cult and now I don’t know what to do with myself?

sorry if this seems hard to understand! I think Im very lucky to have dodged this bullet because if he didnt move back to Spain I know that our relationship would of got worse anyway. So maybe this is the best possible outcome!

he knows you can do better, hence his controll.
once you see how good another man treats you, youll hate yourself for wasting time thinking of him.
go get a good degree, a good side job and a beautiful apartment. when you decorate it youll look down and think 'wow, im doing the best'.
and youll start to realise that now youre spending more time with family, now that his ugly ahhh is gone.
u queen

Yes thank you! At the beginning of our relationship he used to always say “Why do you love me?” Or “Why do you find me attractive when we all know I’m really ugly?” I would always tell him that I thought he was perfect and I loved him for who he was. I always tried to support him and help him with everything. But… towards the end of the relationship, it changed to “You’ll never find another man that treats you as good as I do.” Or, “Nobody will ever do the things for you that I’ve done.” Or, “No English boy knows how to treat a girl properly”. Stuff like that. In reality I think he was terrified of losing me as he knew I could do better.

I hope that one day I meet a decent guy who is loving and healthy. But for now I do also think that being single is whats best for me. This relationship has drained me to the point where I am thinking about going on antidepressants and I am considering therapy.

I know that with time, I’ll heal. Im studying a degree that I love, I’ll hopefully transfer unis and get a part time job and save up to re-take my driving test and treat myself. And eventually I’ll get my own place and I’ll look back and see how far I’ve come!

And your right, spending time with family has helped me so much. Sadly I lost most of my friends due to him but I am very lucky to have my mum help me during this tough time! Although I still think about him non stop, I have slowly started to feel better and I am now reflecting on our whole relationship and I’m realising who he truly is as a person… evil!

Dearie, if I could see you now, I would give you a huge hug. You went through so much at such a young age. I feel so sad for you yet so happy that he's an ex. Never go back to him. NEVER. You escaped and that's something to celebrate. I want to congratulate you on that.

It's sad that you uprooted your life, and put yourself second to please him but take all of this as a lesson. Know that you came out a winner because you cut him off before things got more serious. Imagine if you were married or you never got the implant, and he trapped you with a baby.

Also, you're very good at self-reflection. You've been honest with yourself, admitted the things you did out of a desperation to be with him, and you've also admitted that you don't feel confident anymore. That's normal especially after a terrible break-up. But know that you did your best, you had good intentions, and you genuinely loved him. It's not your fault that he took that for granted. It's not your fault that he chose to belittle and insult you because he wasn't honest enough to admit that he didn't want to lose his family. That's his loss. He lost someone who was truly there for him. You were more than enough and you'll find someone who will cherish you as you are. But please, in the future, NEVER give up your goals for someone else. In a healthy relationship, you two make compromises so that you both achieve your goals together. It should not be one party re-arranging their entire life for the other.

Thank you for your comment! I’m sorry for not replying earlier but I just wanted to thank you for reading what I posted and giving me advice. You have no idea how much I appreciate it so thank you.

You are absolutely right about the first point. The error I made was putting him first. I always felt like I had to keep the peace between us by doing what made him happy. I had to text him every 2 hours, ask him about his day, see him at least once a week, have my location on snapchat so he can see where I was, let him check my phone whenever he wanted, get rid of any friends he didn’t like… it was soo draining. I felt like I had to constantly please him. It was NEVER about me. I’ve had to learn the hard way that you should always put yourself first in a relationship no matter what!

I also agree about his parents. He has a VERY close relationship with his mother. He tells her everything - yes, everything, even intimate details because she asks him to tell her everything that we’ve done together as a couple. Now this isn’t normal surely, unless Spanish culture think this is normal…!! She would call him crying everyday begging him to come back to Spain. He messages and calls her everyday. I didn’t think much of it until people pointed it out to me that its not right. I know his mother doesn’t like me, she didnt say a word of English to me when I went round to Spain. She turned the hot water off when I showered, she didn’t give me any medication when I felt ill, she gave her son different meals compared to me, didn’t have any beds ready when we first arrived to Spain at 3am after travelling all day. Even when I said she looked beautiful in her wedding dress she just smiled at me. I dare not say anything at the time because I knew my partner would of defended her over me, so I called my mum crying instead. I also can’t help but feel his mother is toxic and his father is controlling, which probably explains why he’s so messed up too lol.

You are also right about the alcohol! His drinking is awful… and he’s only 19. Not to mention he treated me like crap in Spain when he got drunk. This just tells me if I had moved over there, he would of treated me like crap anyway. The amount he spends on drink too is awful. He goes on about Spain and how “amazing” their 1 euro beers are, but he forgets that Spain pay lower wages. And because he thinks the drinks are so cheap, he ends up spending more money on alcohol because he thinks he’s getting a bargain (If that makes sense!) so in the long term… he’s spending
more, and the same applies to cigarettes. He smokes so much its stupid. They all smoke a lot over there so again I think it might be a cultural thing.

And yes the strangling, I didn’t tell anyone about that for months! I always justified it and ignored it. I have no idea why I had no anger in me to fight back. I just let him do it. There was another time in Spain when he got drunk and pushed me out the way. I hate myself for not fighting back! I was always too scared to say anything or defend myself because then I would be “disrespecting him” as he would say. But the emotional abuse was horrible. I don’t think he ever loved me. He’s either a narcissist or has some weird split personality because one minute he’s this loving guy and the next, his eyes change and his demeanour changes and he’s suddenly this heartless person. I also think he’s a huge bully. I can’t stand to hear his crap anymore so in a way I’m actually glad he’s going. Its like a huge relief off my shoulders but then I feel guilty for feeling that way.

We agreed to meet one last time last weekend. I cried to him about everything and said I couldn’t believe how fast he dropped me. I was glad I got the closure I needed but I also got to see his reaction. And guess what? He didn’t really care. Instead he said “I have to see my friends later at 4pm to say goodbye” even though Im meant to be his partner. He then changed plans with them and stayed with me instead. He told me he loved me and he always would, he said that it hasn’t hit him yet. But even on his messages he barely texts me, he just goes on and on about him, whats going well for him, how much he’s been working, his plans for when he moves to Spain, how much money he’s saved this month, etc. he owes me £100 too which I gave him out of my savings for a law course but whether he pays it back or not i dont know. I couldnt care less anymore. I think he’s a heartless individual. He says he cares about me but his actions show otherwise.

anyway Im sorry for rambling on. This is my only way of talking to someone about it (apart from my Mum but shes heard enough). I really appreciate you taking the time out to read my problems so thank you I do think I am trauma bonded to him and Im considering getting therapy and going on meds to heal from it all because my head is fried!

Thank you so much for your comment its made me feel so much better I won’t lie, it’s been very hard for me recently! I miss the good times I had with him but I couldn’t go on any longer! The bad was beginning to massively out do the good. In a way I feel so much more relieved. But at the same time my brain is badly fixated on him. I feel like I’ll never get out of this depressive slump that I’m in. I cry non stop, then I feel angry, then I feel okay, then I feel depressed, lazy, exhausted… its been really tough. I know that I would of gone back to him in the past but I really believe that the universe has made this happen for a reason. Its made me look at who he is as a person, and he is evil. Its also made me assess our relationship and if its even worth trying to fight for, which I don’t think it is. Regardless, he’s made his mind up that he wants to move back. I’m just his safety net in case it all goes wrong. He’s made his mind up and thats that. Its time heal and focus on myself. I don’t think I’ll ever go back to him, even if he begged me to try again! I need to respect myself enough to admit that I deserve someone better.

I also think I have come out of this a winner! I have dodged a huge bullet here. I can’t even begin to imagine how awful this situation would of been had we of been married! Or had a child together! He always went on about that as well, but looking back I think it wasn’t out of love at all. It was to control me. He has told me that if I ever visit him in Spain, he would rip up my passport and try to get me pregnant so I can’t leave him. At first I thought this was because he loved me… oh boy. If anything its far from that. Ive had a hard time accepting it too! I did everything to make him happy. In the end it was beginning to drain me.

Anyway thank you so much for reading, I won’t keep going on! I’ve mentioned this in a few other replies but I think I defo have a trauma bond with him. I’m not a psychologist but I do think he’s a narcissist or has some type of personality disorder. Or an insecurity issue where he feels the need to control others!! I just hope that I’ll heal with time and one day I will meet a lovely man who will love me as much as I will love them. But for now, I’m learning to love myself again